It's been a couple weeks since I posted. I was having a really hard time but the last week has been different. For some reason, I've felt ok. I still cry some but I don't feel so weighed down all the time. I hadn't gotten angry at all about Cooper's death, which is weird for me, but the past couple weeks I've had to deal with my vet's insurance agent to settle our complaint. Doing this started to bring out the anger. But I've pretty much let it go. I feel like I'm starting to become detached from what happened. I don't know if this is how you feel when you're starting to accept what happened or if I'm detaching from it unintentionally. I just keep thinking this is the calm before the storm, like I can't possibly be accepting it.

Anger with the insurance company is probably natural as you see them assigning a dollar value to something that to you is priceless... your Cooper. How can you assign a dollar figure to what you lost? There's no way.

Grieving is such a personal thing... you really can't say how long it'll take you to accept what happened to Cooper; you just know when it happens. If I had to hazard an opinion I'd say that you've accepted that Cooper is gone and are at the same point I am with my Winston. I miss him terribly and am liable to tear up thinking about him but the crushing grief I felt when he died has subsided and is now just more a sadness over what I lost. It's the little things now that really make me miss him; I'll walk into the kitchen and loudly call out "who wants a cookie?" and my girls will come running into the kitchen and sit quietly waiting for their cookie. To not see Winston there is heart-breaking, especially since the last time I saw him alive was when I gave him a cookie. It sounds to me like you're there as well, and it's a good place to be. Now you can start thinking of the good times you had with Cooper and smile at them, with maybe just a tear rolling down a cheek.

-Clay

Hi, My Heart Cooper, thank you so o o much for letting us know how you're doing. This grief journey is not a straight line process at all. At each progress point we experience different stages of anger, acceptance, numbness, etc.. Tackling a "settlement" with an insurance company can certainly arouse a lot of different emotions, and anger is very close to the top of the list for sure.

As for "acceptance" I am beginning to seriously believe this word is misleading when it comes to grief. For example, you can "accept" the final score of a sport game, even when your team loses. Can you ever really "accept" the physical loss of a beloved companion? I think the better goal is "adjust". One of the hardest things to do during our grief journey is to figure out "where do I go from here" "what do I do now" and "who am I now". Our lives are intertwined with our beloved companions that we become one entity with them, and this bond continues when they precede us from this side of eternity. This is what love is - - love is not limited to physical boundaries of time and space.

You ask if what you are feeling could be "the calm before the storm." My Heart Cooper, only time can bring you a definitive answer. I hope Clay is right that you are at a place now where you can remember your precious Cooper without feeling the crushing pain of grief in your heart. But wherever you may be at any time in your grief journey, My Heart Cooper, please know we are here with you and for you whenever you need us or would like to share a precious memory with us.

My Heart Cooper, I do so hope and pray that life is treating you kindly and that you can feel your precious Cooper's sweet Living Spirit with you wherever you go and whatever you're doing. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how things are going for you.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Tiffany,

I'm glad you're feeling a little better. I do, however, agree with everything moon_beam says. There have been many times where I've had a good couple of days and I've thought to myself, "This is it. I think I've finally accepted it," then -- bam -- I suddenly find myself in tears again and feeling depressed. Then I've felt kind of angry and feel even more upset because I thought I was doing okay. I think what I've learned now is to stop putting a label on how I'm feeling. It is a rollercoaster, and I've learned to just kind of go with it. To appreciate the good days while they last. To accept the bad days too, because they're also part of the healing process. So try not to put pressure on yourself, allow yourself to feel what you feel. It's good to hear from you, and I hope your good days continue.

Take care, Cheryl x