Friday, August 6th..a day I will never forget..the day I said goodbye to my sweet Daisy. I was so alone, so scared. A couple days ago I read the posts for that day...I'm so touched that some of your thoughts and prayers were with me that day...Thank you so much. The last week with her was so hard. The clock became my worst enemy..days turned into hours that turned into minutes that turned into seconds. The last 24 hours became the last for everything. The last time we ate dinner together...our last sunset...the last time I watched you hunt for frogs in the evening...the last kiss you gave me before bedtime. I layed awake in the darkness and listened to her sleep through the night. And like clockwork she was up at 5:30 a.m. She stretched and came over to me to kiss me good morning..for the last time. I didnt want to start the day..our last day. We ate breakfast and went outside to watch our last sunrise. after a couple of hours I gave her a treat..her last one. After that she layed down for a nap. The house was so quiet, I just watched her nap. The clock seemed to be ticking so loud, I thought at 9:35 I will put my shoes on and take her for a ride...for the last time. Walking up to the vet's office was the longest walk. I stopped at the door picked her up and just stood there for a moment, knowing once I opened that door the world was going to come crashing down on me. I stood inside behind a wall infront of a small window. I held on to her to tight as I rocked her back and forth whispering in her ear that I loved her. They called her name...for the last time. I signed papers and took off her collar for the last time. I started crying, I kissed her...for the last time. I sat in my truck sobbing clutching her collar to my heart..when I was able, I drove home, layed on the floor where she was napping just minutes ago...and cried. It scared me at times...hearing myself cry out loud..I could hear the pain and heartache behind it. I cant believe she's gone. She's all around this house, her bowls, her bed, her toys, all the pictures.

One day I will be able to look at those pictures and smile and remember I what a wonderful and happy dog you were, and all the good times we shared. But until then. . . I will cry.

One day I will be able to go outside and remember all the things you liked to do, digging in the garden with me, looking up at me with dirt all over your face, so proud that you were helping mommy, all our sunrises and sunsets, watching you lay in the sun, playing with with the frogs at night. But for now I will stay inside. . . and I will cry.

One day I will go walking on the ditch. The same walk we used to take for years. I will . . . because that was your most favorite thing to do. It wont be for awhile because I've never been out there without you, and they will ask "where's Daisy?" Right now I dont have the heart to tell them you are not with me anymore. So for now I will stay home . . . and I will cry.

One day grandma and I will talk about you and laugh at all the silly things you used to do. You loved grandma. She will miss you on her laps. But until then . . . we will cry.

One day I will go camping again. It wont be the same without you. You loved to go fishing. Grandpa will miss his fish inspector. But for now the fish can wait. Maybe next year . . . and I will cry.

One day I will get used to coming in the front door and not be greeted by you and your wagging tail. Instead I will have to deal with the deafening sounds of silence, this will have to be the new norm for me. But for now . . .I will cry.

One day I will get used to waking up in the morning without your Daisy Kisses. I loved those, I will miss those the most. But until then . . . I will cry.

One day I will wake up in the morning and realize that I didnt cry myself to sleep. It is then, that I will know that the healing process has begun. God will heal the broken hearted. But until then . . . I will cry.

For the past 24 years I have been on Mommy Duty with you and KittyKat. You both had me on a schedule. Now I'm not quite sure what to do. I feel lost, lonely and confused. I will struggle for awhile until I find my own schedule. I believe that I was blessed with the one perfect cat and the one perfect dog. There could be no other, I will not be hearing the sounds of pitter patter paws in my house anymore. I couldn't possibly go through this pain again.

The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that you are in your new body, no more aches and pains. So you run along and go find KittyKat. She will be so happy to see you again. And when I come to the end of my journey here . . . I will cry . . . for the last time. Only these will be tears of joy because I get to see my two girls again.

I love you Daisy
My little bug-a-loo
I will never forget you

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This is so beautiful AlexisMarie!

I am thinking of you and Daisy.

This is one of the most touching things I have ever read here. Thank you for this.

Oh my God - I can't even see what I'm typing here because I'm literally crying my eyes out after reading your post. I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little girl. I don't even know what else to say right now, but I just had to comment on your post and let you know how it moved me and how sorry I am for your loss. And you are right - one day the tears will become less, one day you will be able to smile at the memories. But until then -- cry. Feel what you need to feel. Let everything out. We are all here for you for as long as you need us.

Thinking of you -- Cheryl x

Dear AlexisMarie, thank you so much for your beautiful post. I think I have wiped the tears off my glasses enough so that I can see what I'm typing. Your post is a testimony to the love you share with your precious Daisy and KittyKat. This love you share transcends the boundaries of time and space that we are confied to on this side of eternity, AlexisMarie. What a beautiful love it is!!!

Please know you are not alone in your grief healing journey, AlexisMarie. Each of us are with you to share in your healing tears, to share in your precious memories, to share whatever you feel comfortable sharing with us. Each of us here are with you now, AlexisMarie, and for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, AlexisMarie, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Its been one week today when I said goodbye, and its been hard. I woke up early..like I have been all week. I opened the patio door in my room and just stood there looking out at the stars...saw alot of them shoot across the dark sky. Its amazing how quiet the world is at 3:00 in the morning. My brain keeps wanting to replay the last moments with Daisy.....over and over and over. Sometimes I feel like I cant take it anymore. It hurts so much. I go back to work on Monday and I'm not looking forward to it because I will have to pretend that I'm doing ok when I'm not.

I finally turned my phone back on. Just dont want to talk to anyone yet. This house is so quiet. Awful not hearing the sound of my own voice anymore. I used to talk to her all the time. I dont have any kids, not married.....and for the first time in my 44 yrs....I feel so alone, sad, and just empty. The one thing I could not control was when she would no longer be part of my life. My life now will always be different....changed...I hate change.

I'm grateful for this site. Even though its hard reading other posts of those who have lost their furbabies....there is this odd sort of comfort. Im glad you all are out there.

To my Daisy:

I Love You. You made me a better person. I miss your cute little face looking back at me....I just miss everything about you.

Hi, AlexisMarie, please know you are not alone in your grief journey. Like you, I am also the only human in the household. Each of my furkids have been special to me as they have been with me at different times in my life journey. I have experienced times in my life journey when I have been without beloved companions. It is different - - the sound of silence is deafening.

Yes, having to put on the "public face" is going to be hard. For me I was ever so thankful for the privacy of the restroom where I could go to release some of the built up emotion so that I could go back to my desk and continue on with my work. Concentration was very difficult, so I had to really force myself to stay focused. But while you may / will have to "make believe" at work and with other people in your life, please know this is one place where you can always come to share whatever is in your heart and on your mind for as long and as often as you need to. Each of us are here for you, AlexisMarie - - you will never need to put on a "public face" for us.

AlexisMarie, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi AlexisMarie--

I wanted to join in on your thread and tell you how very very sorry I am about your loss of Daisy. What a bittersweet last few days you had together, filled with both love and pain. I am so sorry.

I too have been alone a good part of my life. I don't even have any living family members, and haven't since 1987, so, often, my pets have been my only companions. Right now I live in a small complex of very cool people who are all friends, so I have people dropping in all the time and people I can easily visit, so I'm not so very alone now, but I can remember times...

The most painful of all was back around 1997, when I decided to convert a big van for comfortable camping, give up having a home-base, and hit the road for a couple of years. My beloved Great Dane, Diva, died of old age during the van conversion process, which was not a surprise--leaving Luna, my 7-year-old Weimaraner, as my only companion. For months I worked on the van, and kept talking to Luna about how WE were going to hit the road and have excellent adventures, about how much fun WE were going to have... and then right before I was due to take off camping full-time, Luna was diagnosed with terminal cancer all throughout her body.

My vet convinced me that I did not really want to take a dying dog out on the road, since I had no way of knowing what would happen, when and where, and so I took Luna for a last walk, and then had my vet put her to sleep...

I couldn't leave, and I couldn't stop WAILING, for three weeks. All along, the plan had been for Woman and Dog to go out into the world seeking new experiences together, and suddenly there I was, totally alone, trying to get it together to start travelling. I have never been so miserable in my entire life. I wailed so much that my friends thought I might need to be hospitalized. Finally, I managed to leave and strike out on my own, and I wailed the whole first week that I was travelling. Gradually, it all began to become more bearable, but...talk about feeling alone!!

So I truly understand what you are experiencing right now, and I have deep empathy for you. It's very, very hard to go it alone.

I send you lots of love and hugs--

Margi, Spiritwolf, and Leopold the Unlikely

Dear AlexisMarie:

I can't even imagine how hard it was to type that. I am sure through many tears. It made me cry. Yes, we love them SOOOOOOOO much and it's almost unbearable to let them go. I have nothing more to say but I understand and my prayers and love go out to you. There is nothing worse than this, I believe. Please know we care for you here.

Hugs,

Diane

Thank you MoonBeam, Ladywolf and Diane....for being out there. I know we cant rush grief....it would only make it worse. I feel like someone locked me in a rollercoaster ride in the dark and I cant see where its twisting...and turning up ahead. Just need to ride it out. I just hope Daisy understands that I did it out of love.

I did see a double rainbow yesterday before sundown....I dont even remember the last time I saw one of those. It did make me smile....and cry. Cry....thats all I seem to do. Never knew I could cry this much. Sometimes when she would do something cute I would say to her "You silly, what would I do without you" It pains me that... now... I know the answer to that question. I would hurt.....and I would cry....

Annette

I love you my bug-a-loo!

AlexisMarie I am so sorry. Your letter was beautiful; it spoke to my heart. to watch the days go by must have been unbearable I can barely imagine. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your beautiful letter. You are not alone in your grief. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hi, Annette, one of the things I privately call this grief journey is "the winter of the heart." When we lose a beloved companion it feels like all the warmth, all the fun, all the sunshine, all of the meaning of what makes the journey on this side of eternity worthwhile and bearable is gone -- vanished - - leaving our hearts feeling cold, barren, bleak, broken, frozen.

Annette, the tears we cry are called "healing tears" - - and that is what we must do to help our broken, frozen hearts heal from the painful physical loss of our beloved, cherished companions. It is a season that seems to last forever - - dark nights that never seem to end and days that we wished would never begin. But with the help of healing tears and the comfort of others who truly do understand how we're feeling - - one day - - when we least expect it - - we do eventually feel our hearts begin to thaw from our grief. And when this happens, we can find ourselves smiling at our memories of our beloved companions that have been hidden under the "winter" in our hearts. And then we can find ourselves embracing the sweet Living Spirit of our beloved, cherished companion - - truly knowing that they are forever with us wherever we go and whatever we do. And once again, we can feel the warmth and glow in our hearts that fills us with renewed strength to continue our journey on this side of eternity as our beloved companions want us to do.

Annette, I wish there was some way this grief journey was not so painful to endure, but I haven't found any way to "fast forward" through it. Please know each of us here are sharing in your grief journey, walking beside you, reaching out to you across the miles to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Annette, and please do let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

AlexisMarie - your post truly shows us the deep love you have for your dog -- I am so sorry for your pain.
Sharon

I am truly sorry for your lost. I hope you and your family keep the treasure of that pure love they gave you in your heart. That is the greatest gift of all.
kim

It's been 2 weeks today since I gave my Daisy her last kiss. It's been hard....real hard. I just cant quite accept that she is gone. I see her beds empty and her toys that she will never play with again. It's hard to be outside without her. Even though she was an inside dog we spent alot of time in the yard. I've never had a problem with anxiety....but I guess I do now. When I'm outside my heart starts to pump, I cant breathe, the tears start to fall and I have to go back inside. The same thing happened when I tried to go for a walk. I got to the end of the block and felt the anxiety start to kick in and I had to run back home. It just didnt feel right to walk without holding on to her leash without her on the other end. Maybe it's too soon....I dont know....I dont know about anything anymore.

I do know I miss my routine. Now I get up, get ready for work, and leave. I skip at least 20 steps in the mornings and many more in the evenings. Every thing I did was for her, with her, because of her. After I lost my cat 4 yrs ago, Daisy was 5. I decided to try my best to give Daisy the best and happy life that she deserved. I knew she wasnt going to live 20 yrs like Alexis did, but never did I think I was going to lose her only 4 years later. So every time I left the house I told her "I love you, see you later". And at bedtime it was.....treat, kiss on the nose, "I love you, see you in the morning". I look back...I'm so happy that I did that.

I'm lucky if I get 3 hrs of sleep a night. Every night at 1:00 am, I wake up and not able to fall back asleep. I'm not sure how much longer I'm gonna last doing that. I find it hard to work, drive, anything.

I look at that person in the mirror....and wonder....will the tears ever stop? Will she smile and laugh again? or will there always be a hint of sadness behind them?

Will the dark circles under her eyes fade with time.......or will they forever be the scars of sorrow

Will her heart ever mend? Or will it be broken forever. Like a puzzle with that one piece missing...

I read when people come back after 6 months or a year, and they are happy and at peace because they have moved forward. What If I dont move forward? What if I'm that one person that cannot seem to get through this? It scares me how much pain I'm feeling. I'm distancing myself from the outside world right now because the mention of her name sets me off to a crying frenzy. Some of my friends are txt msg and emailing me cause they havent heard from me in a couple of weeks. It's "Haven't heard from you, how are you and Daisy doing?" Everyone always included her in our conversations. I would always sign both our names on cards, so they started addressing cards with her name also, even sending her gifts on holidays. So one by one I've been emailing back "Daisy is not with me anymore" Everytime I have to tell the story....I start crying all over again like it just happened. Now I know why some people say they feel like they've taken a step back. I feel like that now.

I see papers and receipts with dates on them and think.....that was a good day, Daisy was still with me, I was happy, life was good.....I miss my old routine....I miss my Daisy.

Daisy: I love you....thank you for my dream....I knew you and KittyKat would find each other...I just knew it. It was good to see her again also. Both of you looked so young and happy. You didnt even have one gray hair on you anymore. I wish mommy could have stayed with you, but she couldnt. I'm just glad the both of you are together again.....I love you both with all my heart

AlexisMarie, I could have just written the post you wrote. I just got up off the kitchen floor. I broke down as I was trying to do some cleaning. I sat in front of the oven where I could see my distorted reflection and asked myself if that's what I really look like. The darkened, mis-shapened figure I saw in the glass is a true reflection of what I feel. I turned and stared out at my boys' graves. I asked over and over when it would get better. Losing all three in less 9 months apart has left me with anxiety attacks much like you mentioned when you tried to take a walk. I have days with no energy at all. I have complete spans of time that I don't remember what I did.
And the thing is, no one knows this except the people on this forum. Thank you for sharing your thoughts today. I'm not glad you're feeling this way but knowing that someone else does, makes me feel less like a floating balloon.
My thoughts are with you.
-Donna

Thank you Donna, it helps to know people are having the same "symtoms". Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind....like I've lost control. Going to bed is tough but waking up is worse. When I wake up....for a split second it feels like a normal day....then all of a sudden everything that has happened comes rushing in and slaps me across the face.

I read your story...it made me cry. I cant even imagine going through what you've been through. I'm so sorry. If I could reach through the computer I would give you a big hug.

For the first couple of days my circle of humans were great, very supportive. But now I'm getting the sense that they are getting uncomfortable. I'm hearing things like: You need to get out of the house, keep busy, get your mind off of it. I wish I could get my mind off of it.....I wish I could stop crying....but I cant...right now it's impossible. Why is it hard for some people to help us get through this instead of trying to get us to get over it. Just give us a hug....no words.....just a hug. But I just give them some excuse as to why I cant go....I wish I could just be honest with them and let them know how bad it hurts....that she was more than just a dog...she was my child.

Yesterday I finally ran the vaccum. When I emptied the canister I was surprised at how little of her hair was in it. Next time its going to be less...and less...until there's nothing left....like she was never here..it hurts. My brain is getting used to seeing her beds empty...I even had to look at a picture of her in her bed..just to see what she looked like in it. She was the light in my life....now I feel like I'm total darkness...trying to find my way out...sometimes I dont even feel like trying. I'm just so grateful for this site...it's keeping me from going crazy.

For you, and everyone out there.......hoping...that peace is just around the corner for us.

Annette

Hi, Annette, what you so appropriately describe about feeling like you're losing your mind is a very normal reaction to your deep grief. I assure you, Annette, that you are not.

From my own grief experiences I am coming to the conclusion that I don't think this grief journey is about "moving on" without or "moving beyond" our beloved companions, but rather rebuilding our lives with their sweet Living Spirits forever with us. We are blessed to have been their guardians and caregivers during their physical journey with us. It is adjusting to the physical absence of their presence with us that is very painful in this grief journey - - both phyiscally and emotionally - - but they are never "lost" to us - - for they are forever a part of us in our hearts and memories - - and nothing - - nothing - - can ever take this away from us.

Annette, it is very important that you allow yourself to grieve for Daisy, for in the process it is my sincerest fervent hope and prayer that you will come to know that she is still with you - - forever a part of you - - for love has no boundaries - - it is not confined to the physical laws of time and space. Love transcends all dimensions of existence - -both the ones we know and experience on this side of eternity and the ones our hearts hope for that will reunite us with our beloved companions at our appropriate time.

I know what you and Donna mean about looking at your reflections. A few weeks ago I participated in a mini-family reunion, and pictures were taken. Yesterday my sister e-mailed the pictures, and I was saddened by the one of me. As I looked at the picture I was totally shaken by how old and haggered I look - - a shattered shell reflected through the camera lens. I already knew this from looking in the bathroom mirror every morning, but the picture just confirmed my own assessment. The only real joy in my life is my little Noah, and my heart breaks for him that he is now stuck with just me for his companionship. This isn't fair to him. By rights he should still have his big adopted kitty brother Eli (who would be 10 years old now) and his sibling baby sister Abbygayle (who would be 7 years old) with him - - but they are with the angels (Eli December 2006 and Abbygayle March 2010) so instead he's stuck with just me.

Unfortunately society in general does not understand that the grief journey for a beloved companion is the same as it is for a human family member or friend, so it is understandable to feel "abandoned" by the folks we have come to rely on as our first-line support in day to day life when they cannot understand our grief in the loss of our beloved companions.

Annette, we will never abandon you in your grief journey. We are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. With us you will never have to put on a "public face" or "pretend" that you are doing better than how you feel. And this holds true for now, for 6 months from now, for a year from now, for 10 or 100 years from now. And you will never have to be concerned that your precious Daisy will "disappear" from you. Vacuum all you want, Annette - - it will NOT take away your precious Daisy's sweet Living Spirit from you.

Will the void that is in our hearts ever completely go away? Probably not - - for it is a reminder that a very important part of us - - our precious beloved companion - - is no longer physically with us. But hopefully in time, Annette, there will come a day when you find yourself thinking about your precious Daisy and you will find yourself smilig - - genuinely - - and hopefully then you will feel - - truly feel - - her sweet Living Spirit surrounding you - - encompassing you - - with her love as she always did while she was physically with you, and as she is even now in this "winter of the heart" journey you are now traveling.

Annette, I hope somehow that you will feel comforted and encouraged by what I have shared with you, if not possible now then perhaps someday as you're reading through the posts. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, that you are never alone as each of us here are walking right beside you in your journey, and that I honestly look forward to knowing how you're doing.


Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your precious doggie. I just recently had to put my spaniel to sleep he had leukemia. He was only 8. I know how you are feeling like life is not the same and how can you find meaning in life again. Continue to talk about your sweet doggie it helps to talk about her. I am always talking about my tyson. Know that you are not alone. We all feel your pain. We will never judge you, we understand. Comfort in your time of need. doggielove

I'm coming up on one month now...I still can't believe she's not with me. Last week I had to pick up her ashes. Standing at the counter I couldn't believe that all these years of joy...it's come down to this. I knew this day would come, but I guess you're never really prepared for it. Waiting I started getting nervous, my heart pounding, dizzy...(oh Daisy and Alexis too...now mommy knows how you two felt everytime I had to take you there...I'm so sorry) I saw the small window behind the wall were I last stood with her telling her over and over how much I loved her...This was the last place she saw alive...My tears started to come. Just then I heard the girl say -I'm so sorry for your loss- I said -Thank you- and left. Now it just seems so real....so final....no more waiting to see if I will ever wake up from this horrible nightmare....no more sitting in the living room watching tv....waiting...for her to run in with one of her toys so we could play....no more kisses...the proof is in my hands now...in a little box with a ribbon around it. I guess I have to accept it now....or surrender to it.

When I was driving away I took one last look at the office and I was sort of...relieved...that I would never have to set foot in that place again. They are wonderful people...they took care of my babies for the past 24 years....but for the second time I have walked out of there with my arms empty and my heart broken....and I could never do this again. I love animals...I've grown up with dogs and cats all my 40+ years...Daisy and Alexis were all mine...I was their mommy...but its the saying goodbye....watching them take their last breath...having to let go and walk away is what I cant do anymore.

Emotionally and mentally, sorrow has taken me to depths that I have never experienced before...never knew existed...physically, my heart actually hurt, with pain...especially my last week with her...I felt like I was having a heart attack. Now the -pain- part is gone and so are the panic attacks and I'm getting at least 4 hrs of sleep now insteat of 2 or 3. But if I got another cat or dog, 10 or 15 years from now I honestly believe that I would not be able to get through it. I would be afraid that I would not love them fully...like they deserve...because I would always fear the end...It makes me sad...this is the first time that I will not have a furbaby around me. Has anyone ever felt this way? or am I the only one?

I'm having my -moments- , I call them my "mommy moments" like when I woke up the other night to an awful thunder storm the first thing I did was reach behind me to put my hand on her so she wouldnt be scared, like I always did...but all I felt was her empty bed with a couple of her stuffed animals in it. Or when you turn around to look behind you before you back up so you dont step on them.....when you open the front door and automatically look down to see them. At bedtime when we used to go up the stairs, she would always try to beat me...as she passed me I would grab her little butt and make a honk..honk..noise, she would always run faster and when she would get to the top of the stairs she would turn around to look at me a wag her tail like crazy...she always got such a big kick out of that... every time. Now when I get to the top of the stairs...I just have tears rolling down my face. But if I should ever have any doubts or should ever question if I was a good enough mom...having a "mommy moment" will always remind that..yes...I was.

I put her ashes next to my cat Alexis, along with her favorite tiny stuffed animals. It just doesnt seem fair...just a couple of months ago things were great...we were happy. I had to get something out of the closet and there they were...all her little jackets and sweatshirts hanging neatly in a row. My heart skipped a beat...I took my favorites...her demin jacket, her little red hoodie, and her football jersey (I had exactly the same ones that I would wear) I always looked forward to the winter so I could bundle her up in one of them...she looked so adorable wearing them. Now she will never...ever...wear them again. I broke down...went to my bed holding them and cried for what seemed like forever. I think getting through my "never-evers" is going to be tough. Just getting through one day is tough...I never stop thinking about her....

I love the lyrics to the George Strait song "The Breath You Take"

Life's not the breaths you take
The breathing in and out
That gets you through the day
Ain't what it's all about
Ya just might miss the point
Try'n to win the race
Life's not the breaths you take
But the moments that take your breath away

Daisy: I love you and miss you. Thank you sweetheart for my mommy moments. Thank you for letting me fuss over you...and spoiling you. You took my breath away every second of every minute of every single day. I love you

Annette, your post really touched me. Once again, your words describe exactly how I feel. When I sweep the floor, my heart aches that there is no more of Buck's fur to pick up. I look at his leashes and collars hanging on the wall and sigh, knowing he'll never wear them again. I touch them each morning as I leave for work and pause. This morning as I moved away, I accidently jingled the tag on his collar. Oh, that sound. It was haunting.
I understand the finality you're feeling by getting Daisy's remains back. It makes it real, I know. We finally found a garden statue for Buck's grave and placing it on the ground brought that same finality you mentioned.
My heart goes out to you. I can't believe you had the strength to go into the vet. When we went to pay our bill and return Buck's meds, I began to panic as we got closer. My breath got short and my chest tightened. I told my husband I couldn't go in. Thankfully, he went in alone and I sat in the car. I couldn't even look at the door or in the window that was right in front of me. I turned my head and cried the whole time he was in there. I had been in the office after Frasier died and again after Niles died but this was different. Going in there after Buck meant everything really was over. That they ALL were really gone and this was final. I wish I never had to go back but unfortunately, I have to because of the girls we've adopted.
I understand how you feel about not wanting more. It's ok to feel that way. You may change your mind and you may not. I'm glad to give these 2 cats a home but I wish every day that I hadn't. They're sweet and they deserve all the love in the world but I don't have it to give, you know? I gave it all away already. My love is buried in the yard three times over. I guess I'll have to grow some more, I don't know. I stressed over the boys being sick for sooo very long that if I notice anything with these girls, I shut down. I completely disconnect from them. My husband has to take over taking care of them. I don't worry about them getting sick yet like I thought I would but I just crash when one doesn't eat or go to the litterbox when I think she should. I just want nothing to do with them then. It's very sad for them. I hope I can get better with that. But anyway, my point in telling you this is to say not to feel bad about not wanting any more right now. It's a decision that's very difficult and heartwrenching to make and to reverse. Take your time.
My thoughts are with you and your sweet Alexis and Daisy.
-Donna

Annette,

Your post to your precious Daisy (I guess all 'Daisys' are extra special ) brought tears to my eyes. The intense love you have for her is so touching, and it's heart breaking that you had to lose her. I know exactly how you feel about getting another pet. I, too, don't think I can ever go through this again. Sometimes I think about getting another one, to ease the longing in my heart for furry cuddles and kisses, but then I think back to the day she died. To the day I brought her little body home, and literally collapsed to the floor. I've never felt pain like it. I never want to feel it again. But then again... if I never have another animal in my life, I know I will never be truly happy again. To not know that love again ... I guess I wouldn't really be living. Maybe we just need to give it more time.

So sorry again for your loss. Sending you hugs, Cheryl x

Hi, Annette, yes, I can understand your hesitancy - - reluctance - - to have another beloved companion. I am into my senior years. This time last year I had three furkids -- two kitties and one Black Lab. Now, it's just my little kitty boy Noah and me. He is 7 years old now, which is middle age for a kitty. And because of my age and physical challenges that will become even more challenging as I get older, Noah will probably be my last companion. I am not looking forward to having to assist him on his final journey, whenever that will be. But I don't want to precede him out of this life, either - - to be the final family member to leave him - - alone.

With the deepest of love that we share with our beloved companions comes the deepest sorrow of separation that we will experience on this side of eternity. It goes with the commitment we make to them when we embrace our companions into our hearts and homes. The sorrow that you feel - - the deep grief you have - - are a testamony to the greatest love you and your precious Daisy share - - yes - - share - - because even now she is with you and will ALWAYS be with you. She is forever a part of you as you contnue your journey on this side of eternity - - nothing can ever take her sweet Living Spirit from you.

Some pepole fear that when the deep grief lessens and as they adjust to the new dimension form that their relationship with their beloved companion is taking that they will forget their precious companion - - that it is being disloyal to them to not hurt - - to not deeply grieve. Annette, I hope that as the deep grief lessens for you, that you will come to know that you will NEVER EVER need to worry about forgetting your precious Daisy. She is a permanent part of you. Even when the mind grows dim with age, there will ALWAYS be a spark in your heart glowing with the memory of your precious Daisy. I promise you that, Annette.

And Annette - - she didn't take her jackets with her. She left them for you to keep so that you could hold onto them. They are physical connection you will always share with your precious Daisy until you are reuinted with her at your appropriate time in eternal joy. Just know that when you wear your jackets she is wearing the set she has been given from the angels.

Annette, thank you so much for sharing your precious Alexis and Daisy with us. This grief journey is a one day at a time journey, and we are here for you - - with you - - beside you - - each step of the way. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please continue to let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Donna, Thank you....thats exactly how I feel....like I have no more love left in me to give. Half my heart went with Alexis 4 years ago and the other half went with Daisy. I've been around other cats/kittens but I never had the desire to get another one, I think I'm going to feel the same way with a dog. Donna, I also bumped Daisy's collar earlier this week....and yes...it was a haunting sound. I wanted to move it, but its always hung in the same place for years. It is hard having to do all this alone, but I do realize that grieving should never be done alone. Unfortunately there is no pet grieving support groups in my town, or the neighboring ones either. And paying someone for an hour once a week wouldnt do anything for me other than emptying out my wallet. I grieve every day, not once a week. I'm glad you are here sharing your thoughts...thank you. I know you worry alot about your two girls...but all good moms worry. They are lucky to have you.

Cheryl: Yes...I hope time will make us heal. One day I know we will be celebrating our sweet "Daisies" lives instead of counting down the months since they left us. When I'm ready to enjoy being outside again, I'm going to plant Daisies all over the yard, I will plant some in honor of your Daisy also.

MoonBeam, your reply about Daisy's Jackets made my heart melt. Thank you. I was thinking how awful it was going to be when I have to pack up all her things and put them away in a box. But now, thanks to you, I'm not going to. That closet in the other bedroom has always been Daisy's Closet and thats what it's going to stay. I'm leaving her clothes hanging so I can look at them and touch them whenever I feel like it. Whose going to come over and tell me otherwise? It's not written anywhere that I have to put everything away. Sometimes it takes someone to tell you how it "could be" instead of how it "has to be". Give Noah a big hug from me.

Annette

Dear Annette, it is soo o good to read your post. I am honored that I was able to help you about Daisy's jackets and clothes. And I LOVE the idea of planting daisies in your yard!! That's wonderful!!! You are so right about there not being any "set rules" with this grief journey. Each one needs to find what is helpful for them. In sharing with one another what has helped us, it helps others to work through their grief process as to what they feel comfortable with in their hearts. I am very honored that I was able to be of help and encouragement to you.

Annette, I hope this evening and weekend will be a peaceful one for you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Annete.... your posts, your feelings, your sorrows, your heartaches....are exactly like mine. Thank you for posting because I was getting so worried about myself, thinking, God... help me, please...., am I ever going to stop crying, stop hurting.

My precious buddy, Little Bit, was hit by a car, right in front of me (I can see the whole movie right this second), and the reason she ran in front of the car is because I called her to me. A milli-second after I called her, I saw the car coming, and I froze, hoping she would freeze too, but she didn't. It hurt me so bad, and does this very moment, seeing her get hit by that car, picking up her fractured little body, racing her to the Animal ER, knowing very well that she was in the process of dying... This happened on Thursday, Sept 2...., and like you, when I look at something on the computer, I think.... "When I wrote that, Little Bit was still alive," and I have the added thought...., "And she could still be alive if you would have taken one more moment to look down the street before calling her to you." And my heart falls, and I get sick to my stomache. But everything I see is time-stamped with that tragic moment. Right now I am on a break at work...., and I am thinking, "This time last wekk, Little Bit was still alive...," and my heart sinks, and I feel sick to my stomach again, and I remember - once again - she could still be alive if I hadn't called her at that precise moment. That simply adds torture and torment to already unbearable sorrow.

So, don't think you are "crazy" with your thoughts, because you are not. Everytime I walk outside my front door, especially at around 7:30p (when I walked out and called to her), my heart sinks and the tears well up in my eyes and I think..., "Oh God...., if I only..." There is a tree across the street where she was stretching (she was a cat, but thought she was a dog - she would chase sticks and always ran to me when I called her - always) for the last time when I saw her. I said aloud, "What is Little Bit doing over there...,?" with a smile on my face. Whenever I saw her and we hung out together, she gave me such joy because she loved life. She did everything with a smile on her face.

And you are right.... 3:00 in the morning has it's own kind of darkness and lonliness. I work midnights, and I feel this even moreso now that my buddy is gone. On my nights off, when only I was awake in the world..., I knew Little Bit would be the other heart beating during those hours and I would walk outside, and she would be there in an instant. I would swoop her up, her little back legs swinging upwards and I would cradle her in my arms and kiss her little black furry cheeks and tell her that I loved her.

But she won't be there this upcoming weekend. Already when I wake up from a fitful sleep I walk out and look on the back patio - where she usually was, waiting for me to wake up; or if she wasn't there, I would check on the window sill in my den. I'd pull the shade back and see her upside down, feet sticking straight up in the air, sleeping - but she is no longer ther. I still do it, and every time I do it, my heart sinks and hurt starts all over. When she was still with me, the minute I opened the back door she would come racing around the corner at a zillion miles an hour, too see me..., just like she did that fateful day.

I worry at times, too, that I will be one of those rare people that can nver get over a traumatic event, because it is constantly running in my mind. I pray to God for relief, and that one day this movie will at least fade...., but I also prayed right before Little Bit was taken that God help me change my life - which I wasn't happy with (bad habits). And my life certainly changed on that fateful day. I am not the same, nor am I doing those bad habits I was doing.

I went on the "live chat" line a little while ago, but no one was online. That's the problem with midnight shift, no one is ever around... except Little Bit always was.

Thank you for your beautiful postings. When I read them I cried so much, and exclaimed..., "I FEEL THE EXACT SAME WAY!!!"

I am so thankful for these boards, and the people that man them and reply to my posts... thank you all so much. I hope what you say about the healing process is true.



Little Bit:

I'm sorry I called to you at the moment. I hope you didn't suffer and I hope you felt my presence when I carried you. I love you Little Bit... and I miss our midnight talks - so much....

Its been a month now....yesterday was the 6th...I guess its time to count months instead of days and weeks...until I reach my one year mark. Why do we do that? The counting? I guess it's just part of the process to get us through. I remember in February of this year Jan 16th came and went. That was "the day" for my cat Alexis. I was looking at her picture in my room, I was smiling. Gosh, I remember that horrible day...it was my first...my first furbaby to leave me...remembering the pain, but I was glad I didnt remember when it came around this year (I dont want to remember their last day). I was glad that I was able to move forward and be happy again......But....little did I know....I would be going through that horrible nightmare once again with my Daisy. It seems twice as hard this time....especially with all the old memories of Alexis added to it.

I went walking yesterday...I had to...I needed to. My body hurts with all the sorrow and tension and crying. I wasnt moving around much. I'd come home from work, and just sit or lay down. I've had this pain between my shoulder and my neck. It hasnt gone away since this all started. I walk around with my shoulders right up underneath my ears all the time, I think I even sleep like that. I try to get myself to relax but 30 seconds later I'm right back to doing it again...and again...and again. Kinda like when I catch myself several times a day holding my breath. Every day..takes such an effort just to get through...its so hard. If I didnt have work, I would probably just stay in bed crying..but I cant...so I walked.

It was difficult...I felt the panic coming..but I fought it. No one was out, just me...just me crying. The pain in my shoulder went away...for a couple of hours anyways..but I'll take it. I'll take an hour of peace anytime now. This morning was a little harder. There were dogs walking their parents. It hurt looking at them as they walked by. They were happy. I said my good mornings...I was glad it was dark...I was glad they couldnt see my tears. At this time of year I usually walked the mornings alone in the neighborhood because it was so dark...then after work I would take Daisy out on the ditch. (The ditch was her favorite...I wont walk there yet...maybe in the spring I will...there is no way I'm ready for that......baby steps...) But the last time I walked her was in the neighborhood because it had rained for a few days and the fields were too muddy to get through. Our last walk...the last time I was happy.

Coming home....its as if I'm walking into someone else's house....standing in someone else's yard....living someone else's life. I dont even know who I am anymore. I have to "Re-Learn" how to do everything again....without her. I don't even remember what I enjoyed doing before I got her. I just know everything I enjoyed doing...was with her. It feels like someone just ripped out all the happiness in me and left me with nothing but sadness. When I'm at work or away somewhere, all I want to do is come home. And when I'm home, I feel like I need to get away...because I feel like I'm drowning. I just miss her...I miss Us.

Daisy: I miss you so much. I miss you taking me for my walks...it just doesn't feel right not to have you walking in front of me anymore. I love you....mommy

Hi Annette,

Once again, your post really touched me. You so eloquently express the true agony of losing something you love so much. Of losing a part of yourself. I can so identify with the feeling of not finding joy in anything anymore. The feeling of not knowing who you are without your baby. I wrote about that a lot in my posts to my Daisy. In fact, I even wrote a poem about it. It does start to get slightly easier with time. I don't think we will ever get over it -- but I hope we can get through it.

Even the pain you've been feeling in your shoulders -- I got that too. I also had constant headaches, which ended up turning into a chronic sinus infection, which I still suffer with now. I think it all has to do with the physical toll that grief takes on your body. It really does take it all out of you emotionally and PHYSICALLY. Keep taking your walks. Be kind to yourself.

You're in my thoughts -- Cheryl xx

Hi, Annette, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. The emptiness and the accompanying silence is deafening, isn't it? Acknowledging the anniversaries is part of the grieving process, particularly during the first year or so post-loss. When my Samson joined the angels in 1998, he was my first canine companion, I felt the same way as you - - I couldn't stand to be away from home and yet when I was home I couldn't breathe -- I felt like I needed to get away. It took quite awhile before I felt any comfort being home, before I felt my house was once again a home.

Annette, in time you will remember your precious Daisy just as you remembered your precious Alexis - - smiling. Right now, though, your heart needs time to reconcile your grief, and this is just going to take time, Annette. Grieving does put extraordinary stress on our physical bodies, so I'm glad you're trying to get some mild exercise in to help with this. Since your body is used to walking, this is a great way to lessen the effects of stress.

You are so right about the "baby steps" in this grief journey. Right now, though, it must feel like you're crawling and every time you try to stand, you feel your legs giving way underneath. But you are not alone, Annette. Each of us are here reaching out to you, holding onto you, supporting you with our collective strength through your sorrow and grief.

Annette, I hope you can feel my individual thoughts and prayers reaching out to you through the cyber miles, and that I do look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

It was a rough weekend for me. I knew it was coming, at the end of the week, I got in my truck I just screamed and cried all the way home. I think all this "pretending" for the work people just got to me. This weekend it just seemed like all the -little things- came up. It's been so hot and humid with the rain, and when I walked in my house....I could smell her....in every room was her scent. I didn't even turn on the air because I didn't want her smell to go away...so I sat there with my eyes closed and took in long deep breaths. God....I miss her. The cable people needed to come by so I moved the tv cabinet out and on the floor were some of her little nuggets. She always used to take a mouthful and run into the living room, spit them out, and eat one by one. On the cabinet there is a small ceramic box with a lid, when I moved it I opened it just to see if I had anything in there....I did...her first collar, I always liked the way purple looked against her black coat. A few weeks ago I tried looking for it but figured I must have thrown it out. Now I have it in my purse and she's with me when I leave the house. When I was looking, I found something of hers in every drawer, every cabinet, every closet. Old tags, empty prescription bottles, pictures, etc. She was everywhere. When the cable guy came I heard him open the gate...it was so quiet...my Daisy Doorbell wasn't here to let me know someone was coming...I would always have to pick her up to let them in. She was my little protector...sometimes I would put her in front of the mirror so she could see how big she really was.

Also over the weekend they were showing a movie on Judy Garland...then the actress started singing the song "Over the Rainbow"....ugh...I thought....really?....THAT song...NOW? I just stood looking at her picture on the wall and cried the whole time...I didn't even wipe my tears...just let them fall to the floor. What is it about that song? You never hear it, but when you lose a furbaby it's the most sadest, heart wrenching song ever.

I'm reading a book on grief. I bought it years ago when I first had to go through this. When I opened it up, the book marker was only at page 11. So I started over...every page seemed like they were talking about me. It describes grief like a dark tunnel, when you take your first step in, is the beginning of your journey. Since life is always moving forward...we must also..in spite of the pain, because we cant go back....we can stay...we must move forward or we might get stuck. That's where I'm at...stuck. Every step I take a step forward, I cant help but look back. Back to the life with Daisy. Happy. Right now it just seems like I'm taking one step further from that life...just...away, and part of me doesn't want to leave it behind.

It also talks about past losses. Now I know why some of my posts include my cat Alexis. Because I never actually "finished" grieving for her. Maybe things came up, work, bills, family, house issues, health issues. And so I put it aside, like I did the book, never got back to it.....never finished. But I don't think most people will finish. The world is so different these days. Everyone wants a "quick fix" for anything. People around us expect us to "hurry up and finish grieving because you have other things to do"

But as far as grieving goes, every step counts. We have to take every emotion that comes our way and deal with them one by one. Like depression. There will always be some form of depression with grief, you cant have one without the other, and it will hit some harder than it does others. But it OK to be depressed, as long as you recognize it and it doesn't become a way of life. Just like happiness is a choice, so is depression.

We have to be honest with ourselves. Admit how sad we really are...and how bad it really hurts. Just because I can take a walk in the mornings now and sleep at night doesn't mean the sadness and emptiness and the heartache is gone...it's still there, and it will be, for a good while. So while I was fooling everyone around me to thinking I'm doing ok, I also fooled myself, that's why I crashed this weekend. I'm still not doing good with the never getting to hold Daisy again. I just want to feel her in my arms, to feel her heart beating against mine. I hate that it hurts this much.

I'm sorry to go on and on...but I just came off a horrible weekend and I just needed to talk to someone.

Thanks for "Listening"

Annette

Daisy: Hi Bugaloo...I love you. I thought of you all weekend long. When I went walking this morning I saw alot of teeny tiny frogs under the street lights. I know how you loved to play with them...even though mommy always told you not to put them in your mouth...you always did. But that never stopped you. I miss the way you used to climbed on my chest when I was laying down and put your front legs around my neck and rub your face underneath my chin...like you where hugging me. I don't know where you got that from, you just learned to do it all on your own. You always knew how to make me happy.

Always thinking of you...love mommy

Hi Annette,

Thank you for sharing how you're feeling. You always express the pain so clearly. Whenever I read your posts, I find that I'm nodding my head as I read. "You're right..." "That's so true..." "That's exactly how I feel too..."

I'm sorry you had such a bad weekend. I just know though.... I know that you WILL get there in the end. It will take a while, but you will get there. The reason I know this is because you have such a 'healthy' attitude towards grief (if you know what I mean?). You're dealing with things exactly the right way. I'm right here with you, as we make our way back and forth through this long, dark tunnel.

Thinking of you.
Cheryl x

Hi, Annette, putting on the "public face" is hard when your heart if filled with deep sorrow. I remember so well the drives into work and home - - gut-wrenching sobbing. I was ever so thankful for the privacy of the restroom where I could run into when I couldn't hold back the tears - - just long enough to collect my composure and then go back to my desk.

Finding those precious "treasures" -- Daisy's collar, her tags, etc., - - something EVERYWHERE - - is wonderful!! I have experienced that, too, and do the same as you - - carry them with me wherever I go.

Annette, I hope someday you will come to understand that you will NEVER leave your precious Alexis and Daisy
"behind" as you move forward one step at a time. You won't have to look "back" for them for they are right beside you now and will always be just as they always have been. I hope that when you get to that place in your grief journey that you will feel a peace in your heart - - filled with the presence of your precious Alexis and Daisy.

Thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, Annette, for sharing your heart with us. During our journey with our beloved companions, we are whole picture - - a completed puzzle, if you will. When we lose their precious physical presence with us, a HUGE part of that picture, or puzzle, is ripped apart - - our lives are forever transformed to re-inventing that picture - - to once again completing that puzzle. So, don't worry about coming here to "go on and on" - - or as some folks put it "rambling." It is a part of the journey that will help us to make our picture, or puzzle, whole again - - INCLUDING our beloved companions who are with the angels.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Annette, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Annette, thank you for posting. Like Cheryl, when I read your posts I just nod and nod and want to write down little things you've said so I'll remember to reference them when I reply to you. You hit everything dead on! From the depression, to the physical pain near your shoulders, to finding her things all over. All of it is so familiar! "That's me! that's me!" I keep saying.
But as good as it feels to be connected in some way, I'm so sorry you're having to feel the way you do. This process is just so awful!
My husband and I have been painting the outside of our house over the last 2 weeks (ugh!) but as we've cut down large shrubs and cleaned out corners, we've found remnants of Buck everywhere. From his toys to his fur. We've cried almost every day. And I was vacuuming yesterday and stuck the vacuum hose under the computer cabinet and came out with one of Frasier's paper balls attached. Everything I do, everywhere I turn, they're there. But not in a good way. It's just reminders that their things are here but they are not. I like the idea of putting Daisy's collar in your purse. I think I may do the same.
Like your baby, mine were my life. They defined everything we did, most decisions we made, how I felt on any given day, on and on and on. I don't want things in my life that they don't know. We met our new neighbors the other day and it saddened me to think that they'll never know Buck. They don't know about him and that WE were never us without him. Everyone else in the neighborhood knew him. He was the first dog in our area of the neighborhood. They'll never know that. People I meet now don't know they are a part of my life. When people ask if I have pets, I falter with my answer. They don't want to hear that we HAD 3 boys but now we have 2 girls.
Reading back over what I've written, I didn't intend to make this about me. I meant just to try to show how very much I connect with what you've written. Your anguish comes right through the computer. My heart goes out to you.
-Donna

Thank you Cheryl, MoonBeam and Donna...it is a difficult process...your replies help me soooo much. The depression has gotten a hold of me, not in a bad way, but enough to know that its there and I should keep a watchful eye on it. It's the separation anxiety that I'm suffering from now. I have never been away from Daisy for more than 24 hours. that was usually due to one of her surgerys. I would always hate it when they would call and tell me they wanted to go ahead and keep her for the night and I could pick her up in the morning. I would always go to bed crying cause I hated having her sleep somewhere else.

I never went on vacation while I had her unless I was able to take her with me. My neighbors and friend always offered to take care of her so I could go...but never did...never wanted to. Not that I didn't trust them, but, I didn't want Daisy to be sad when I wasnt there at bedtime. I knew they wouldnt do all the mommy things that I did...the hugs...kisses...everything she was used to on a daily basis.

I've read some of the post regarding having to leave the site for a while to heal. I understand too. It is very hard. Here are some emotions we may experience during the grieving process: loneliness, helplessness, disappointment, resentment, depression, bitterness, dismay, abandonment, lack of control, denial, rejection, guilt, anger, jealousy, fear, pain, loss, sorrow, apathy, rage, confusion, anxiety, sadness, inadequacy, envy, dread, anguish, betrayal, distrust.

Is it any wonder how we even can get ourselves through this? I know of at least 6 of those that I sufffered at the same time. It's hard when the thought "I'll never be that happy again" keeps running through my head.

Donna, I read your reply on another thread, I'm sorry regarding your health issues. I totally understand. Yes, your health comes first. I havent been in to see a dr, but I think they would be telling me the same thing. I pray to God every night to help all of us on this site to get through this. I hope you can pop-in when you feel better. I have really connected with your posts.

When we leave this earth God will dry our tears, I think He does the same with our furbabies.....they're happy and in a good place now. He wont let them see us in pain right now. He knows how to take care of them. He says all old will become new again, He's not just talking about man...he means all his creations. There will be animals in Heaven, I dont think He will create new ones to be with us. God wouldn't create to just throw away. We will see them again.

Annette

I love you Daisy

Hi, Annette, I can so relate to your reluctance to leave your precious Daisy for a vacation as I am the same way. I am gone away from my furkids during the day 5 days a week to go to work, and I don't want to be away from them in the evenings or weekends, unless I have to be for a family event that I really do need to participate in. Many people don't understand this, but I understand exactly what you're talking about.

This grief journey is a challenge both physically and emotionally. The stress from grieving does take its toll, and that is why we must do what is best for us in order to "survive" this journey.

Annette, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I feel like a blanket of sadness has fallen on me now. I've had to "control" my crying. When I have a sobbing breakdown, the next day I would wake up with chest pains...on the left side. But if I just let myself shed tears, the chest pain is gone. I wrote down things that I enjoyed doing before I got Daisy and while I had her. Part of healing is that we re-discover our favorite things we liked to do and revisit them and make new..happy..memories. I love going to the movies. When they cut my hours at work and I started having Fridays off...I decided that instead of staying home and cursing the economy, I would get up early, take Daisy for a walk, work in the yard or clean then when she was getting settled in for an afternoon nap I would go see a movie. So this afternoon I'm going to try to go to the movies. If I feel like I need to leave in the middle of it...I'll leave. Then next Friday I'll try again...and again..until I "remember" thats what I enjoyed doing. It might be easier said than done. But I need to try. The holidays are just around the corner and if I'm not further along than I am now with this process, I'll crash hard again. Every now and then I would come across someone who would say: I hate the holidays...I wish they were over--- I could never imagine how anyone would hate them that much....I do now. If the holidays started next week I would want no part of it. It's going to be sad without her.

Yesterday when I went walking, I passed a couple with their dogs. (since that first morning I went I've been the only one out there) and it's just like Donna said....they'll never get to know Daisy either. They just know me as the lady that walks by herself. they even crossed to the other side of the street. But I used to do that too...I just figured that people walking alone didnt want to be bothered with a dog jumping on them. It never crossed my mind that maybe they were alone because they just lost their best friend. I feel like I dont belong to the "walkie group" group anymore.

When I discovered the ditch and took Daisy we were the "newbies". Any given day at any given time we would see 2 or 3 furbabies walking their humans. We would stop and talk and got to know everyone. Daisy loved it...she made me love it. Everyone loved her. we may have not remembered each others names but we always remembered the furbabies names. An Daisy had her nicknames.....Lil One...Peanut...Cutie...Precious. We soon became one of the originals and every year we would welcome the next newbie to the bunch. But every year we would have to say goodbye to one. It was always so sad...just one day you wouldnt see them..not even the owner. Once in a while would one would get up the strength to walk. You could see the sorrow and heartache...even from a mile away....but never saw them again. I kept having to push aside the thought....we're next....it's going to be us next.....and it was. Now I know why I never saw them again....its just too hard to be out there without Daisy by my side.

I have to do something with all this extra time now. In the mornings I have an hour of idle time. I clean or just sit and watch the news. Before I used to be running out the door so I wouldnt be late. Mornings with Daisy were all fun and games. When she was younger she would be outside barking at the school bus and kids, but when she got older she would hang out on the bed until I got out of the shower. Then she would lift up her head and look at me and turn over on her back. she knew what was coming....the zerbert monster was coming. I would put my arms up in the air and make monster noises as I walked to her then I would bury my face into her little tummy and give her zerberts....then always give her a good one in her arm pit. She would take off running into the other bedroom....come back with her front legs down and butt in the air, giving me the sign "Do it again Mommy...do it again!" and I always would. I wish they were capable of giggling. What a precious sound that would be to hear. It does make me smile now...knowing I would spend that extra time every morning before work with her....my "giggle time".

Now it seems like nothing interests me. At the end of the week co-workers will always ask "what are you going to do this weekend?" Sometimes I feel like just telling them "I'm going home to cry...and I'll wake up...and cry. I'll probably wake up in the middle of the night..again...sit at the edge of my bed look at the stars....and cry.....OK!...so stop asking"..........and so because of this...I will force myself to go to the movies. And afterwards I will stop by a tattoo shop....I've been toying with the idea for the past 20 years but always talked myself out of it...mainly because I never knew what kind of tattoo I wanted....until now. I'm going to get a daisy on the inside of my ankle...something small and pretty..something girly-girly..like my Daisy. So I'll look around to see if I like anything and maybe in the next couple of weeks I'll have one.

Daisy: Mommy sure misses our "giggle time". I hope God lets us hear the giggles when we meet in heaven. I love you

Hi, Annette, I'm getting caught up on some posts, and I read the poem you posted for Donna. What a lovely prayer poem.

Annette, unfortunately our lives and routines do change when we lose the physical presence of our beloved companions. Some people who still enjoy walking find different paths to take so that the "reminders" are not so painful.

Annette, I hope with all my heart that you are able to find a path you can travel that will bring peace to your heart and soul and life. I wish there was something I could say that could take away the pain you are feeling - - the emotional pain of loss, the physical pain of absence - - the pain of sadness. Unfortunately I do not have that power, but I hope you will feel my sincerest comfort and encouragement coming to you across the cyber miles to let you know you are not alone.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Annette, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

MoonBeam,

Thank you for your words of encouragement. My thoughts and prayers are with you also, and your precious Noah too. I hope life is going well with you. Lotsa Hugs.

Dottie,

Thank you for my picture. It brought tears to my eyes....good tears. I'm so glad you put butterflies...It reminded me of when butterflies and hummingbirds used to fly around 2 or 3 inches from Daisy's head. It was so magical....sort of a SnowWhite-ish way. They would even follow her...sometimes she would jump at them but for the most part she would just sit and look up at them. I was never quick enough to capture it on camera......I'm glad you did. Thank you, that was so sweet of you.

Annette

Annette, I choked back the tears when I read your long post. My sentiments, exactly. My heart goes out to you. I smiled when I read about the zerbert monster! We played "shark in the bed" alot with Buck. Good memories. Good but hurtful memories.
I've never been through anything like this before. My husband and I mourn every day. I cried myself to sleep just last night. Just thinking about how they're all gone. ALL gone - almost at once. It's still surreal.
You know I understand your walking concerns and also the movie. I wish you the very best as you try to go.
I also very much understand the chest pain thing. Maybe I haven't let it out enough because my pain doesn't go away. I'm still awaiting results of my ultrasound to find out if I actually have a physical problem or if it's grief.
Anyway, I'm thinking of you and appreciating your notes to me.
-Donna
Oh - I also love your idea of the tattoo! It's perfect. I don't have any but have contemplated it for a long time to remember my babies - long before they got sick, actually. I haven't come up with the right thing yet and I'm also a big chicken so I'm anxious to hear how yours comes out.

It's so good to hear from you Donna. I know all the millions of good memories can be so painful right now. And like you, I've never had a more difficult time in my life, than what I'm going through now. This has literally knocked me to my knees.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your husband. I pray that your tests come out fine. Please be kind to yourself...you've been through alot this past year. Hopefully it's just stress due to grief. Stress can cause alot of problems for some. I take over the counter sleep aids during the weekends and I gave up all caffine and now I sleep slightly elevated from my waist up. I just pile a bunch of pillows to make a wedge...I wake up a few times...It'll take time to get used to it. I know sometimes when I feel like I'm relaxed, I can still feel my heart beating against my chest. Like when I went to the movies. I even sat close to the end of the isle...just in case. But I made it through to the end...it was hard.

I was glad that Friday morning came and went and I, for the first time, didnt "re-live" my-- countdown to 10:00 am Fridays-- like I have been doing. Thank God.

It's hard to think that we have to go on living out the rest of our lives without them. The corners of my mouth point down now. Soon I'll be reaching 2 months without her...and have cried for her every day. I've accepted that she's not coming back.....but thats it...the rest is still the same. So I know how you feel Donna, I'm right there with you. You're not alone...alot of us are here for you. But God will put a stepping stone in front of us everyday...and everyday we will take one step. If you dont want to...thats ok too...He'll leave it there for you when you are ready. Then tomorrow He will put another one for us...and another one.

We just need to "celebrate" (for lack of a better word) the times we laugh at something on TV, or get through most of the day without crying.

I watch Fraizer every morning before work (I think of you and your boys now when I watch it) Fraizer was kind of upset when he heard his dad tell Eddie he loved him...and asked Daphnie if he did it often. It made me smile. I cant believe how easy it was for me to tell my furbabies that I loved them...all day...every day. But yet, I could be with my family or on the phone with them and hang up without even saying it. It wouldnt even cross my mind unless one of them said it first. That's why it hurts so deep....because we love them so much.

God Bless

Annette

Annette, you couldn't have said it any better. Good luck to you this Friday. I have a feeling you'll do ok.
-Donna

Hi, Annette, I deeply appreciate your stepping stone imagery. And engraved in those stepping stones are His footprints showing us the way through our grief - - tenderly guiding us through each day, always providing comforting arms and shoulders to lean on, and when we are not strong enough to take the steps, He carries us. Thank you so much for this beautiful imagery - - my eyes are filled with tears as I'm writing - - thankful tears for your beautiful words.

I know what you mean about the corners of your mouth pointing downward. The only time I really smile is when I'm home with my little Noah - - my sole survivor in a home that used to have four furkids. Because of my age and physical challenges Noah may very well be my last companion, so I am savoring every moment with him.

I hope that today has been a decent day for you, Annette, a peaceful one. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Annette, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you Dottie...what a cute little hummingbird, I just love this picture. I just took down my feeder last weekend. Its always sad to see them leave...I didnt get a chance to enjoy them this year...but at least I know they will be back next year.

My Dearest Daisy:

I can't believe it's almost going on 3 months...I hate that my life is soooo different without you.....it hurts.

I hate that I have to say "I love you" to your pictures now.

I hate that the last pictures I took of you...were... the last I will ever take of you.

I hate mornings, lunchtime, and bedtime without you.

I hate that your snoring and little doggie noises don't wake me up in the middle of the night anymore.

I hate that you're not here to remind me......when its time for a cookie.

I hate that your treats are still in the pantry.....because I just don't have the heart to give them away.

I hate that there's crumbs on the kitchen floor.

I hate that my legs don't fall asleep watching tv because you're not laying beside, in the middle, or on them and I didn't want to move and disturb your nap.

I hate to hear the neighborhood dogs barking...and you're not one of them.

I hate taking my walks alone.

I hate being in the backyard and not seeing you running around.

I hate not having to pick up your poo.

I hate that your toys sit next to your ashes....instead of thrown all over the house.

I hate that Fall is here...our favorite time of the year...I was always "Driving Miss Daisy" around. I miss that.

I hate that your fur is not on the bed, on my clothes, and sometimes the one in my glass of water, or at the bottom of my cereal bowl.

I hate looking in the mirror.....and seeing how sad I really look.

I hate that silence makes a sound....and I have to listen to it every day when I'm at home.

I hated having to say goodbye to you.....my dear friend.

I Love you,

Mommy

Hi, Annette, I feel your brokenness, emptiness, sadness in your post. Our lives change when our beloved companions join us and we share our daily lives together, and they change again when they precede us to the angels. I do hope someday the brokenness, emptiness, sadness will lessen so that your heart can once again feel the wholeness of your precious Daisy's sweet Living Spirit surrounding you just as she always did during her earthly journey.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Annette, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you MoonBeam. Sometimes I wish the grieving process will just "hurry along" because the sadness can be overwhelming at times....but I know that wouldn't be a good thing. I ran into a couple of neighbors last week...they didn't know about Daisy yet so I had to tell them. It was hard saying those words...the "past tense" words. Just hearing them come out of my mouth was so strange...like I was talking about someone elses dog you know? What I did wrong was trying to "hide" from people in the beginning so I wouldn't have to talk about it...but now that I'm running into them...ugh...Its like I'm re-living it all over again...like a knife stabbing my heart.

I read that some people can look at pictures....smile and think of good memories. I can't....I guess I'm just not at that point yet because looking at them just makes me see what I don't have right now. Like everyone here says: I just want to hold him/her again.

I feel like I'm in a row boat...rowing and rowing....seeing the shore line...thinking...I'm almost there...almost there. Then a gigantic wave pounds me and drags me and my little boat way out in the middle of nowhere...so there I go again...rowing and rowing with my little toothpick oars.

I knew she would have to leave one day....but it's always --too soon-- when they do. And I know she's in a good place and being well taken care of with my kitty and all the other babies....but I guess the "mommy" in me wants to see "this place" with my own eyes to make sure that it has everything they need.

I hope you are well....always looking forward to your replies with everyone...take care

Annette

Hi, Annette - - I love your depiction of the row boat and toothpick oars. And that gigantic wave not only sweeps you back out to sea, but it swamps the boat as well so you're not only having to row but bail as well. Oh yes, I know the feeling well. And I can relate to your wishing that this grief journey would hurry up and move on - - more to the point - - never happen. One of the coping mechanisms we try to use when we are in a crisis situation - - and losing the physical presence of a beloved companion certainly counts as a crisis - - is called "rationalization." We "know" it's better for them to not be here suffering - - absolutely true. We "know" they are in a better place - - absolutely true. We "know" we are blessed to have shared our lives with them during their earthly journey - - absolutely true. But unfortunately this does not console or comfort our grieving hearts that ache - - physically and emotionally - - to hold them, to feel them, to touch them.

Our lives are based on the physical senses of sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch. Adjusting our lives without the physical presence of our beloved companions is a HUGE one, and unfortunately, is a very painful one - - both physically and emotionally. We also experience what is called "detachment" - - the very thing you experienced when you were talking to the person about your precious Daisy. This is also a coping mechanism that protects us from being overwhelmed in difficult situations sharing information that is painful to us. Our minds, body, and spirit are not separate entities. What affects one affects the other parts of us as well in some form or fashion whether or not we are aware of it at the time.

To cope with our grief we need each of these coping mechanisms. Unfortunately they don't always "work" when we'd like them to. But we need to keep telling ourselves that our beloved companions are in a better place so that eventually as the deep grief passes hopefully our hearts and minds will be in some form of peace - - which is what our beloved companions want for us. And there are times when we need to be able to "detach" ourselves from feeling the enormous grief of our loss so that hopefully eventually our hearts and minds will be filled with the joyful memories we have of our beloved companions - - which is another thing that they want for us. Of course this grief journey is a lot more complex as are these coping mechanisms, but I hope in sharing some of this information will help you to know that what you are feeling, Annette, is NORMAL.

Annette, don't worry about not being able to look at your precious Daisy's pictures yet. You do for you what is best for you, and please don't compare yourself to anyone else, okay? Oslo's Alma Mater, Guiding Eyes for the Blind in Yorktown Heights, NY, is holding a picture contest for their "retired" service partners. The employee who is heading up this project wrote me a lovely note asking me to send my favorite picture of Oslo. Even though it's coming up on a year of his joining the angels, it was a bit of a challenge to go through his pictures, and I couldn't decide on just "one". So I e-mailed four or five pictures that I liked the most and asked her to pick one because I just couldn't right now. So, I do understand how you feel about the pictures. They can be very comforting, at times, but only at the RIGHT TIME FOR YOU.

Annette, it is always good hearing from you and sharing how you're doing. It is an honor to be able to offer you comfort, encouragement, and support in your journey. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, my friend, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi MoonBeam.....yes the word "detachment" as you describe, this is what I'm going through...thank you for -getting- these words out for me (I can't seem to even think straight these days). Everything I do is done with very little enthusiasm anymore. I think with the holidays coming up and all....I don't want to disappoint friends and family by being sad. I was even thinking of just buying a plane ticket to anywhere and telling my family that I will be visiting "a friend" for Thanksgiving.....just so I can get out of town for a few days and be able to.....feel the way I look.

And like some have mentioned hanging up their furbabies christmas stocking.....oh....I feel the same way. Just thinking about it makes me cry. This will be the first year - in many, many years (40+) - that I will not have a pet in my home during the holidays. I'm scared....that it might take me to a dark place. God give me the strength to get through it. But hanging the stockings is something we have to do....in spite of the pain. Come Christmas Eve and Christmas Day I think we would be very disappointed in ourselves that we didn't put them out. Maybe we should pick a day or a weekend when to hang them....and light a candle....strength in numbers right?

Last weekend I woke up to Daisy walking on my bed. I felt her take a couple of steps and stretch...then take a couple more steps. I opened my eyes when I realized what was happening but...I couldn't turn around....I was unable to move...out of fear I think.....and my heart was beating so hard. But why would I be frightened by it? I always tell her to "come visit me" and "let me feel you near me". It upset me that I reacted that way.

It's always good to hear from you, MoonBeam. Your words felt like a life jacket was placed on me, now I can "get back out there". I hope you will be able to post Oslo's picture they chose so we can all see.

Thank you for being here with us. Take Care

Daisy: The peach tree in the backyard has turned colors....beautiful colors. I loved watching you run through them....well...your legs were so short that you actually hopped through them like a little bunny...you're so cute. Please help give mommy the strength to get through the next few months. I think of you every day. Please come visit again. I love you.

That's a really special picture of Daisy. You mention hanging Daisy's stocking and the fact that you and others can do it gives me more support that we can too. I doubt it would be easy, but would it be any easier than not hanging any stockings and seeing that?

I am glad you are doing better, it always makes me feel better than others are doing better.