mfazz
Aug 6 2010, 06:51 PM
My 16 year old cat died last night. He died lying right next to me, with his paw on my thigh. I watched as he took his last breath.
I can't stop crying, can't stop thinking about him. I can't believe that he is gone.
Scooter was just the best, such a personality and spirit. I found him on the street when I was in grad school and took him in with me. He was such a love. He was also extremely vocal - he meowed ALL the time, any time of the day or night. He loved to sit in front of me when I was talking to someone and meow in my face in order to block the conversation. He also loved to cuddle and drool all over me.
For a few years, it was just me and him, then came my husband. When my daughter was born I was overwhelmed (she was colicky), and for that first year, I hate to say that I barely acknowledged him except to feed him. After that year, things of course were more settled and I could spend more time with him.
But even after that.....
there were many days when I felt like he did not get attention. There were days that he was pushed out of the way. There were days when I pushed him off of the dining room table and yelled at him. There were days that I wished I did not have to deal with his litter, especially when he began urinating all the time. There were a few tiring days when he peed on my luggage or clothes and I actually thought about how easy it would be when he was gone. He could no longer sleep with us because he would meow all night and keep us awake, so we put a gate up to keep him out.
I know that along with these bad times came loads and loads of great days. Days where he was loved and held and spoiled rotten. Days of sitting outside on the hammock with him and reading. Hours of petting his belly. So much love. But all I can think about are the times where I let him down or ignored him.
Sorry for the length of this. I needed to say these things. I am living with so much guilt over the times I failed him that it is blocking all the rest.
Cheryl83
Aug 6 2010, 07:03 PM
Hi,
I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved Scooter. He sounds like such a wonderful cat -- a real character. The pain you are feeling is so very raw, and I know right now you feel like the tears will never stop. Just take each moment as it comes; feel what you need to feel. It is normal to feel guilt. The "what ifs" the "I should haves" but the truth is, you could have cuddled him all day and you would still think, 'I should have done more'. Your love for your precious Scooter is clear, and I know he knew how much you loved (and still love) him.
We are all here for you during this painful journey.
Cheryl x
wchamilton
Aug 6 2010, 07:10 PM
QUOTE (Cheryl83 @ Aug 6 2010, 08:03 PM)

Hi,
I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved Scooter. He sounds like such a wonderful cat -- a real character. The pain you are feeling is so very raw, and I know right now you feel like the tears will never stop. Just take each moment as it comes; feel what you need to feel. It is normal to feel guilt. The "what ifs" the "I should haves" but the truth is, you could have cuddled him all day and you would still think, 'I should have done more'. Your love for your precious Scooter is clear, and I know he knew how much you loved (and still love) him.
We are all here for you during this painful journey.
Cheryl x
Scooter sounded like he had too much personality for his own good. I am so sorry for you loss. It's never easy to lose a family member but here you're going to find support, understanding and compassion. We've all been where you are right now and even though it doesn't feel like it I promise you'll heal. Someday you'll think about Scooter meowing in your face while you were on the phone and you'll smile.
As far as not paying enough attention to him, the fact that he chose to pass away sitting next to his favorite person, with a paw resting on you, shows he didn't take it personally.
My thoughts are with you.
I'm so very sorry for your loss of your beloved Scooter. I lost my cat a year ago and had to make the decision. I know what you mean about feeling guilty since I thought of all the times my kitty was alone between my work schedule and other things going on but he was always there to greet me when I finally arrived home. They are so loyal and they overlook our shortfalls. He stayed with you literally to the end. I know how it is to be so tired and not wanting to deal with any more sickness with your kitty-it is so hard. He had a good life for 16 years and you did your best I am sure. We all have other things that demand our attention. Try to take it easy as much as you can right now. I know how hard this is and grieving is so difficult. In time I am sure you will remember more of the good times but right now all you can think of is what just happened. I'm sure others will have better words to support you but I do know how you feel.
mfazz
Aug 6 2010, 07:59 PM
Thank you everyone so much for such wonderful support and encouragement. It has been a hard day, and I have been constantly on the verge of tears or sobbing for most of it. I loved Scooter so much and I cannot imagine now how to feel happy or normal in my home without him. I would give anything to have one more day with him. On Monday, I get to take his cremains back home and I am going to bury him in the garden, right by the catnip plants we planted in the spring. I know once he is back here it will be really comforting to me and my family.
Thank you for reading what I wrote and not judging me. I feel like I am the only person who had selfish thoughts and actions with their pet, and the guilt is amazingly hard to deal with right now. I just hope that in the balance, I ended up showing him how much he was loved.
Thank you.
moon_beam
Aug 7 2010, 01:04 PM
Hi, mfazz, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Scooter. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company.
Mfazz, life is life - - and our beloved companions understand the dynamics of what is happening in the household far better than we do. You never neglected Scooter's needs - - you made sure he had food and clean water every day, you made sure he was healthy and never ignored taking him to the vet when he needed medical care. I definitely believe our furkids do things deliberately to get our attention -- even if that attention is to be firmly reprimanded for their inappropriate behaviors - - like getting up on the table when they KNOW that is not where they are allowed to be. It's like a game to them - - and they train us so well in playing along.
One of the many hard emotions to deal with in this grief journey is "guilt." It is an emotion that comes along with the territory of grief. Hopefully in time you will come to realize that your precious Scooter did not hold any grudges. He loved you with all his heart even when you were yelling at him at the top of your voice "NO", or body blocking him from where he really didn't need to be at the time. More importantly, hopefully in time you will come to embrace the many loving memories you have with your journey of Scooter, which is what Scooter wants you to focus on. And hopefully in time you will come to know that your Scooter's sweet Living Spirit is forever with you in whatever you do and wherever you go.
Mfazz, one of the many important things to remember during this grief journey is that you are not alone. Each of us here does understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, mfazz, and please let us know how you're doing.
Peaace and blessings,
moon_beam
BudTheCat
Aug 7 2010, 03:39 PM
mfazz, I am so sorry to hear about your cat. We had to put our kitty down just on Monday August 2nd. He was barely a year old. I am so overcome with guilt and grief and I am trying to stay strong. We have 2 other cats and a dog but I cannot give them the attention right now and I that sounds horrible which is adding to my guilt. This is my first pet loss.
I keep hearing how it takes time and it is a choice whether you want to be consumed by this or not. This website is a wonderful place and the Chat is also great.
ladywolf
Aug 7 2010, 04:04 PM
Mfazz--
I too am so, so sorry to hear about Scooter. It is so very hard to lose our fur-kids, especially when we have the feeling that we didn't spend enough time with them, or the "right" kind of time, or enough time at the end, or whatever our particular regret is...
Guilt does seem to be a natural part of the grieving process, but it can be terribly destructive, too. Please try to be gentle with yourself. You had changing life circumstances during the time that Scooter was alive, and he learned to go with the flow and so did you. Scooter had a long and happy life, and he never remembered when you WEREN'T there for him--he remembered when you WERE. Try to focus on the happy memories when you can--but don't block your grief, either, as it is so important to let it all out.
Scooter is somewhere very special now, playing with other fur-kittie friends!
Hugs from Margi, Spiritwolf, and Sir Leopold, the Knight of Octaviar
mfazz
Aug 7 2010, 04:37 PM
Thank you so much. I cannot express how much comfort you all have given to me with your kind words and advice.
Today, my husband and I put together a photo album of Scooter memories. It helped me to see so many picture of him - sitting with us on the couch, lying around looking so contented and happy, hanging out in the garden, and eating treats. When I see those pictures, it reminds me of the good things, the loving times, and the fun things we shared with him. And it helps me to believe that my love for him was strong and evident in so many ways, even with the less than perfect times mixed in there.
Scooter was picked up for the crematorium this morning. We will get to see him one last time on Tuesday, then we can bring his ashes home with us later that day. I can't wait to have him back here, where he belongs.
@ladywolf - I would love to think of Scoots playing with other cats (and bossing around some dogs too!) right now. That was a nice picture you put in my head - thanks.
@BudtheCat - I am so sorry for your loss too. To lose such a young cat must be especially hard, and I feel so sad for you. We have three dogs, and I know how hard it is right now to give them attention when your heart is broken.
@Moonbeam, Sad, wchamilton, and Cherly83 - thank you from the bottom of my heart for reaching out to me. I have read your replies quite a few times already, and over these next few days I will try to think about what you all wrote and try to change my thinking to not be so hard on myself. I suffer from obsessive disorder and panic, so this kind of negative loop in my head is unfortunately normal for me. It is my way of coping I think.
BudTheCat
Aug 7 2010, 05:44 PM
mfazz, I suffer from severe anxiety and depression so I completely can relate to the constant racing thoughts, rumination, etc. Please hang in there - "we" will get through this.
ladywolf
Aug 7 2010, 06:57 PM
Mfazz and Bud the Cat--I too am prone to severe depression and anxiety, so I totally understand how the mind can drive you crazy with repetitious negative thinking. Just try to remember that the mind is basically a useless thing, unless it is trying to remember how to drive a car or balance your checkbook!!
Margi, Spiritwolf, and Leopold, King of Hystericon
moon_beam
Aug 8 2010, 09:07 AM
Hi, Mfazz, I am so o o o o glad your husband helped you put together a memory scrapbook of Scooter's life with you. I, too, have a daily struggle with PTSD and Survivor's Guilt for different tragic reasons. My furkids are my life, and losing any of them is very hard for me, too. So, I do understand the challenges you are enduring.
In my adult life I have always made a memory "something" of each of my furkids who have joined the angels. At first it was a simple memory booklet. I made enough copies to share with their vet and vet techs because they were so good to my furkids, and it helped them to stay focused on the good memories I have of them instead of just remembering their physical decline and circumstances of their death. I also made memory scrapbooks just for me, and treasure those scrapbooks. They help me to remember that the life I have with them on this side of eternity is real. I have now also added the challenge of making memory slide shows of my beloved companions with accompanying music, and this, too, has been very healing and therapeutic.
Some folks make memorial gardens if they bury their beloved companions, and some folks make donations in their furkid's names to organizations that do rescue work or research into the illness that claimed their beloved companion's physical life. Some folks establish "Good Samaritan Funds" in loving honor of their beloved companions with the proceeds going to help other folks who are having financial challenges taking care of their furkids.
Mfazz, it is important for YOU to do whatever will be helpful for YOU as you travel this grief journey. Although the grief phases are the same in terms of clinical definition each individual's journey is different because each journey is very unique to each individual's experiences and circumstances. But the "constant" in each journey is knowing that you are not alone - - that you have others who truly do understand what you're going through and who are walking beside you every step of the way.
Mfazz, thank you so much for sharing with us about your precious Scooter. I hope someday you will feel strong enough to share more stories with us of Scooter's life with you. Please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us, Mfazz. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
mfazz
Aug 8 2010, 10:30 AM
Thank you Moon Beam - the support on here is so wonderful. One day, I hope to repay the favor to someone else who is suffering.
Today, we made the stone that will mark the place where Scooter will be buried. It simply said:
Scooter
1995-2010
Dubbie
Dubbie was my nickname for him. He always came running or gave a little meow of acknowledgment (if he was feeling lazy) when I called out "Dubbie". When he was dying, I said his name over and over - he always liked to watch my lips as I said "Dubbie", I do not know why. But he knew that it was only for him.
I miss him so much.
moon_beam
Aug 8 2010, 01:07 PM
Hi, mfazz, our furkids know they are loved, and they enjoy special things we share with only them - - one of those things is our special names for them. Of course your precious Scooter enjoyed hearing his special name for you said it only for him. How comforting it was for him to hear it as he traveled his journey to the angels. He still hears you - - the sound of your voice is as special to him now as it was during his physical journey with you. The only difference in your relationship is that it is no longer bound by the physical dimensions of time and space that we are confined to on this side of eternity.
Mfazz, being able to make your own marker for him is also very special, even though it must have been very hard to make it, for right now everything seems to be the "last" thing we can do for them. But in reality it's just a beginning of a new dimension in our relationship with our precious beloved companions. But it is a very difficult adjustment to not having their sweet physical presence with us, both physically and emotionally. Just remember, mfazz, love has no boundaries, - - and Scooter's sweet Living Spirit is forever with you wherever you go and whatever you do.
Mfazz, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
mfazz
Aug 10 2010, 03:05 PM
I hope he still hears me moon_beam because I have been talking to him. I am not a religious person, and still struggling with what I believe spiritually, but it makes me feel happy and comforted to say his name out loud.
Finally, tomorrow will be the day I get to bury him. Thought it was going to be Monday, then Tuesday, but it is set for 8:30am tomorrow for sure. I get to see him one last time too, and get some fur clippings along with his ashes. I hope this day will be peaceful, rather than extremely painful, but I am just not sure how it will go.
moon_beam
Aug 10 2010, 04:48 PM
Hi, mfazz, one thing I have learned in my journey on this side of eternity is that the loss of a beloved companion raises a lot of questions in our hearts and minds. We find ourselves questioning things that we thought we knew beyond all shadow of a doubt. Grief makes us very vulnerable emotionally and spiritually.
Mfazz, my only intention in sharing what I have come to "know" is offer comfort and encouragement. It is not ever intended to "convert" anyone into thinking or believing as I do. It is my earnest, heartfelt prayer that in time you will come to a peace in your heart as to what YOU believe, mfazz. If whatever I share can help you in that process, - - in whatever way that is - - then what I have written has truly been helpful.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow when your precious Scooter comes back home. It is important for you to do what is comforting for YOU, and I so do understand how comforting it is for you to say his sweet precious name. Please know you are close in my thoughts and prayers, mfazz, and will look forward to knowing how you are doing and how everything goes tomorrow.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
mfazz
Aug 11 2010, 04:47 PM
I buried my Scooter today. I was able to see him one last time at the crematorium, get a fur clipping, talk to him, and give him one final touch. It was hard to let them wheel him away, because I knew what was coming and that I would never again see that little face, with his caramel nose, kitty acne, and lovely white and brown fur. But then again, his body was only a vehicle for who he was - that big personality, his spirit, and his loving nature - at least that I what I am telling myself over and over. We then took his ashes home and buried them in the garden. My daughter put two little stone bunnies next to the stone we made for him. This weekend, I will plant some flowers and catnip there.
I hope it gets easier with time, but today was tough.
Baden
Aug 11 2010, 07:52 PM
Hi mfazz,
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I am sure your baby had such a wonderful and happy life with you! I know it does not take away the pain at a time like this. My dog also took his last breath in my arms. It is a very profound experience and I think it can be rare these days with euthanasia now taking over. Its very spiritual, deep, profound, amazing yet scary and weird at the same time...at least it was all of these for me. It was very hard for me to get those last moments out of my head for a while, and I had never been so close or touched death before like that. Time has helped to take the scariness out of that moment. We will never forget our amazing animals, but it does get a bit easier as time goes on. Its a loss like most of us have never experienced before. Its very heavy on the heart and I have found that the best thing is to just let the grief out. It is the expression of love that we had/still have for our animals. Hang in there...we are all here for you.
Hugs and Blessings,
Amy
moon_beam
Aug 12 2010, 12:52 PM
Hi, mfazz, I'm so glad to know that your precious Scooter is back home with you. Keep telling yourself what you are - -that his body was merely a physical vehicle for he who is - - his sweet precious Living Spirit - - who is forever with you wherever you go and whatever you do.
It is important for you to do what is comforting for you to help you through these difficult days and times in your grief journey. And always remember we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us, mfazz. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
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