Last year, I lost one of my best friends and used this site for healing. It helped very much. I am hoping for some comfort once again.

Today I found out that another one of my fur babies has cancer. In the Fall of 2009, he had a splenic tumor removed that was diagnosed as being non-cancerous. A couple of weeks ago, he was showing the same signs as he did with the splenic tumor. He was bleeding internally and when he underwent surgery, they found several lesions on his liver. The Vet felt that the original diagnosis was inaccurate and that the cancer has metastized. He removed three of the lesions and my worse fear has become a reality.

He probably doesn't have a lot of time left with me. If any of the liver lesions were to rupture, he would bleed internally again. My Vet said that I can see a specialist and do chemotherapy with him, but I don't want to put him through anymore. I am so heartbroken and confused. I don't know what to do for him at this point. I don't want him to be in pain. I don't want to say goodbye... I don't know how much time I have and I can't stop crying. I don't want to stress him out either by being upset, but I can't stop.

Michele

I am so sorry for what you're going through, Michele. I can only imagine the time of pain and confusion you must be going through right now.

One thing to remember, and this helped me when I was faced with putting my cat Opal to sleep in 2007, is that you can't explain to a pet why something is going to cause them pain and make them understand it. If you were to put your fur-baby through more surgery and chemotherapy, all he's going to know is he's suffering, probably at the hands of someone he doesn't know, and he doesn't know why.

When forced to choose between that and slipping away peacefully while in the arms of your most loved person while she gently pets you and tells you what a good cat you were, I think the choice becomes clear, even if it's a choice you never want to make.

I hope you don't have to make this decision any time soon, but if you do, as you learned, we're all here for you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please keep us informed of his progress.

Michele, I am so sorry you are going through this also. I know how upset you are right now. My Daisy has a mass on her spleen and I chose against the surgery. She will be going to heaven this Friday and a little bit of me is dying every day. I wanted to get the surgery, I wanted for her to be better. But....it was what I wanted....not what was best for her...sometimes the best is having to say goodbye. You will do what best for your baby...Please keep us posted on whats going on.

A big hug to you and your baby

Annette

I am so very sorry to hear about your pet. Though I have never had a pet have cancer, when my vet told me my pomeranian Lacey was in the late stages of heart disease I felt the same way as you. Unfortunately, Lacey died yesterday and I'm back to the tears.

I think your story is rather similar to mine, and I'll keep you and your pet in my thoughts. Enjoy the time together that you have left. Take a lot of pictures, do things that he wants to do. You never know when it's their time to go so make his time here with you days you'll look back on and smile.

Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. As I sit here sorting through my thoughts and feelings, Jack is laying at my feet curled in a ball sleeping. He changes positions quite a bit and I wonder if he is in pain or uncomfortable. I brushed him this afternoon, because it is one of the things that he loves and he seemed to enjoy it, but not with the enthusiasm and joy he once had. I have feelings of guilt for putting him through the second surgery because now he is uncomfortable as he recovers. Another question I have is does he hurt from the cancer or the surgery? Is it in his best interest for me to let him live out the rest of his life like this or to let him go before the next lesion ruptures and he bleeds again. The Vet said that she would have him euthanized if (when) he has another internal bleed. Do I let him get to that point or end it now?? I wish I knew if he was just in a recovery mode or is in pain from the cancer. I can't imagine how different life will be without him by my side. He is truly my best friend and has been the most devoted being I have ever had the priviledge to know. How sad life will be without him.

I'd give it a week or two to see how he feels. If he's in pain from the surgery he should be getting back to normal and if it's not.. then it could be the cancer. Maybe talk to your vet. Ask what your vet would do if he or she was in the situation as you are. Just try to make your puppy as happy and as comfortable as you possibly can, and really that's all you can do for now. Also think on the positive side. Having hope can do some amazing things.

Michele,

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

You ask if you should let it get to the point where he has another internal bleed or "end it now". It is a terrible choice and one that I would not wish upon anyone, but I don't think anyone can really give you that answer. You just have to spend time with your baby. Talk to him and love him. You will then know what choice is right for you and him.

I know how devastating a cancer diagnosis is. My beautiful kitty was diagnosed with it this past Friday; it came on so suddenly. The Vet said the type that he had usually does. My baby and I spent a lot of time together over the weekend, and I took a lot of pictures (probably more this weekend than ever in his life). At one point he looked at me intently, and I knew he was ready and that to keep him alive much longer would only have been for selfish reasons.

Good luck with whatever your decision is. You will be in my thoughts.

Hi, Michele, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies with the diagnosis of your precious furchild. Right now you are doing the best you can. Spend this time with him, cherish this time with him, and don't be afraid to be honest with him about how you're feeling. I could never disguise how I was feeling with any of my furkids, - - how can we even try - - for they know us so much better than we know ourselves.

Michele, like the other wonderful people in this forum, please know you are not alone. We are here for you every step of the way. I know you have questions that are burdening your heart as to what is best for him. The answers wlll come, Michele, and you will do what you need to do when it is the right time for the both of you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Michele, and please let us know how you and your precious furchild are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Well, we had an okay night. Jack slept somewhat peacefully. He would change positions quite often, but otherwise seemed to rest well. He's still not eating great. I give him little bits of anything he wants. He isn't eating his food anymore, just whatever he feels like. Still waiting for the Vet to call to talk about palliative care. I actually have three older dogs that are all in need of palliative care, so it'll help to talk to her. I think she's getting tired of me calling her so often. My dog, Toby, whines alot and seems anxious. She has a respiratory problem that she's had for a couple of years and it has been getting worse. She's also suffering from a high liver count and what else I'm not sure. She's on medication, but she still whines alot and seems uncomfortable. The days ahead are looking pretty grim. I do have a Vet set up to come out to my house to put them down peacefully when the time comes. Maybe I should see this Vet for the palliative care? She doesn't know much of their history though, so I'm not sure.

Toby is eating and drinking okay and sometimes she seems her normal self. I keep waiting for a sign the both her and Jack and hope that I don't miss it when it comes. Do you know 100% when it's time??

Michele,

I am glad to hear that Jack slept somewhat peacefully and that he is at least eating something. I am also glad to hear that Toby is eating and drinking.

I know how painful it can be to see that same spark of your baby inside. It makes it that much harder to know that you will soon have to make the decision, but they WILL let you know.

I don't think you will miss it. When Diamond was ready, he put out his paw, and I put out my hand. He didn't like to have his paws touched, but he put one paw out anyway. We laid on the floor paw-to-hand for a little while. Then he looked me in the eyes, and I just knew. I cried a flood of tears, but I knew.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. You are in my thoughts.

Diamond-Bear,

I am so sorry for what you had to go through with your Diamond. Your paw-to-hand story is so sweet. I spoke with the Vet for a bit today and she made me feel a bit better. She told me what to look for to ensure a good quality of life and she also said that our pets have such empathy and if we get upset around them they don't understand and they think that they are the ones causing the upset (even if they're not). I don't want my babies last days to be like that, so I need to get it together for them. I've decided that if I need to have a "moment", I need to do it on my own time. I want to be strong for them, however difficult that may be. She also said to take one day and week and assess the situation, rather then dwell on it on a daily basis to avoid the stress... easier said then done. I hope I have ALOT of time left in order to do this. Regardless of the time, I don't think that I will be very successful in putting it out of my mind the majority of the time. It's all I think about. It weighs heavy on my heart.

Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts. You, my friend, are in mine as well. The loss of your Diamond is still so fresh and I'm sure that it is painful for you.

Michele

Michele,

I understand what the Vet is saying about our pets having empathy, but I really do not agree that they think they are the ones causing the upset. Pets understand much more than many humans give them credit for, and if they are your babies, you have a connection with them. Be with them, love them, stroke them, cry if you need to. You do not have to "be strong" in front of them. If you fall apart in front of them, they can give you comfort.

I know how hard it is not to think about it every moment. I hope you have A LOT of time left with them, as well.

I sure do hope they are doing better.

Hang in there,
Teresa

Well, I lost two best friends today. My girls got their angel wings. Jack is still with me, thankfully, but I am soooo sad, empty and regretful because I don't know if I did the right thing. Toby has been struggling with her respiratory issues for a long while now and she has been coughing for much of the nights lately. She whines when trying to get comfortable, as well. Molly became weaker this past weekend. She was stumbling alot and panting/salivating. She also seemed unable to get comfortable. They were still eating and drinking though and able to go outside. Do those criteria make the decision for us? Everyone kept saying well are they eating and drinking?? They were, but other things seemed wrong. My Husband thought that they were ready, but I'm not convinced. I asked the Vet if I was doing the right thing and she said that it was good that I didn't let them get really bad. That didn't comfort me much. All I got out of that is they probably had more time. She said that Molly had a heart murmur. Was that the only problem... could I have done somthing to help her? How do we know when the right time is? Who are we to decide when their time is up? I wanted them to pass together because they were so close and one without the other didn't seem ok. I am heart broken and sick. I miss them so much. LIfe as I know it will never be the same and it is so very quiet around the house.

Hi, Michele, I am so o o o sorry for your losses of Toby and Molly. I can so imagine the state of absolute shock, disbelief, and depression you must be feeling. Perhaps what the vet was trying to help you with is the "quality of life" versus "quantity of life" struggle that we all go through in trying to come to a "decision." Whatever the circumstances are that bring us to making "the decision," there will always be second guessing because our hearts are consumed with sorrow.

Michele, I hope that you will come to know that you always did the very best for Toby and Molly at all times and in all circumstances with the information you had available at the time. Please know we are with you through this grief journey for as long and as often as you need us. Please also know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, Michele, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Michele, I am so very sorry about Toby and Molly and what you are going through with Jack. I, too, lost 3 precious babies close together this year. I know what you mean about wondering if the time was right because the "criteria" seems to be the eating/drinking issue. And I always thought the same thing until I lost our first boy, Frasier. I can assure you that eating and drinking are not the defining factors. Frasier had several complications near the end but the most severe was complete kidney failure brought on by medication we used to get rid of fluid in his abdomen that most likely accumulated due to heart failure but we'll never know. Anyway, his kidneys could no longer function at all, yet just before the vet got here to put him to sleep he drank water. I panicked thinking I was doing the wrong thing. He's drinking, that must mean he has a will to live and to fight, right? Well he may have had the will but the fact was he couldn't function no matter what without his kidneys.
So, don't question yourself when it comes to that. You did the right thing. Every step of the way, I'm sure you did the right thing. I know that because I can tell how much you deeply loved and still love your babies. Like Diamond Bear said, there's a connection. And because of that connection, you suffer the pain so they don't. Your last act was making sure they didn't suffer. You took on all that suffering onto yourself solely so they wouldn't suffer a minute. Down the road, I'm sure you will feel that the time was right. Our vet told us that we could wait with Frasier but that within hours he would be in distress. It would have been evening and we would've been panicking. I couldn't take that risk for him just to hold onto him a little longer. When we had to put our dog, Buck, to sleep in June, we could've waited a little longer. Even though he couldn't get up on his own that last day, he was still catching that golf ball in his mouth. He would've done that all night. But his kidneys also had shut down. There was nothing left. He was still enjoying his peaceful time with us when the vet arrived. But again, we would've been going into the night and worrying he would seizure. We had to hurt ourselves at that time by having that awful act take place so that he wouldn't suffer. He never knew how bad he was. I've wrestled with that over and over but in the end, I think it is a blessing. He never knew. He never suffered. And your sweet Toby and Molly never suffered. And Jack won't either. No matter how it happens. You won't let there be suffering.
I don't know you so what I've written may sound strange. I just know where you are right now. I've lived it too many times this year. And I know how badly I needed the hugs I received on this forum so I'm trying to send one to you. I hope you can feel it. My thoughts are with you as you agonize these hours. Please keep us posted.
-Donna

Thank you for your thoughts and hugs. I struggle with the fact that I have no idea what was wrong with Molly in the end. Her liver enzymes and pancreas levels were elevated earlier this year, so she had an abdominal ultrasound performed. The Vet said that the liver, kidneys and spleen all looked liked they could be having problems, but without exploratory surgery, there was no way of knowing. I chose not to put her through the surgery due to her age and the stress she would incur. The Vet today said that she had a heart murmur and that was why she looked pot-bellied. My reasons for today were because she was rapidly panting, salivating and was very unsteady on her feet. She had vestibular syndrome a few years back and her actions reminded me a bit of that. None of it makes sense to me. There doesn't seem to be any connection. I'll never know if she was truly in pain and suffering. I only assumed so because she was unsteady, panting and didn't seem to be able to get comfortable. Although Toby also struggled with high liver values and respiratory issues for a fairly long time, I chose today because I did not want her to live without her best friend, Molly. I knew that she probably wasn't feeling well some of the times, but was it fair to end her life based on what my decision was with Molly??? Saying goodbye to them was so hard because I had to split myself into two. I feel like I didn't give them all of me in the end. I miss my girls so much and I am so very sad... I close my eyes and try to remember things like my last moments with them, what they sounded like when they barked, the clicking of their nails across the floor... and I see them just like they were this morning sniffing around the yard, eating breakfast and just being... life just goes on without them. It's surreal to me. I don't want to go to sleep because I know that when I wake I won't see their furry little faces. The reality of what is will return.

Hi, Michele, one of the hardest things to reconcile during grieving is how life just seems to continue on. For me it was life on "automatic pilot" - - bills still get paid, I still go to my job, I still get groceries, I still do chores around the house" - - but where am I? Nothing seems "real" for a very long time, and then comes the reality of finally having to "re-build" my life once again - - without a beloved companion's physical presence with me. The physical change is overwhelming - - not being able to see, hear, feel, touch, and taste - - their physical presence.

I have learned through my life - - many years now - - that physical loss does not end the love connection. Love is eternal - - it is not bound by the physical laws of time and space. The transition to embracing our beloved companion's sweet Living Spirit is difficult because we are still very much a part of a physical-oriented existence. And this is a part of the grief journey - - hopefully coming to understand that our beloved companions are still very much a part of our lives even though they are not physically present. They are forever a part of us, for their memory is forever in our hearts and memories. Nothing, not even the dimming of our minds from age, can ever take them away from us, for their sweet Living Spirit will forever glow warm in our hearts and memories.

Michele, I hope you will come to know that you always did the very best for your precious Toby and Molly. They are together in heaven's perfect garden once again healed to their youthfulness because of your unselfish act of love on their behalf, even though it is at a great sacrifice for you. For this is what great love is - - - doing for someone else - whatever the life form - - what is needed for them.

Michele, please know we are here for you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

moon beam,

Thank you so much for your words... they helped alot. I guess as each moment passes, I heal just a little. I take comfort and am grateful that they let me be part of their lives. No matter how much it hurts in the end, the journey was worth it and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I lost my sweet boy today.

In the Fall of 2009, a splenectomy was performed to remove a tumor. The biopsy revealed no cancer. In July, 2010, he went through the same symptoms as in the Fall. He was hospitalized and on his way to an ultrasound collapsed. The ultrasound showed another mass and it was scheduled to be removed. He received a blood transfusion prior to surgery for strength. During surgery, the Vet called me to say that he had numerous lesions on his liver and the cancer had obviously metastisized. The mass that they went in to remove was scar tissue and had they not opened him up, they wouldn't have discovered the lesions on the liver. What did I want him to do? I couldn't make a decision right then, so the Vet said that he would continue with the surgery until he heard otherwise from me. By the time I called him back, surgery was completed and three lesions were removed. These biopsies revealed hemangiosarcoma and obviously the Fall diagnosis was incorrect. I was devastated. Jack was a very sick boy and was hospitalized for quite a few days before I could take him home. When he did come home, I felt so bad for him. I promised myself that I wouldn't put him through any more... I don't think that he ever fully recovered after that surgery. He was looking at his abdominal area lot like something was bothering him and his appetite wasn't the best. He tired more easily and just wanted to be with me and rest most of the time. I tried different foods, supplements, medications... Last Saturday, he was showing symptoms again. My heart sank... I took him to the Vet, and although, his blood work didn't show that he was bleeding internally as he had been the last two times, he was dehydrated. She gave me fluids to inject under his skin three times a day to rehydrate him. He did improve, but kept having episodes where he didn't seem well. It broke my heart every time I injected the fluids because I didn't want to cause him anymore pain and I was doing just that with the needle. On Monday, I took him back to the Vet. More extensive bloodwork showed abnormal numbers and the Vet felt that it was probably the liver. The liver count was quite high. When she told me the news, I looked at my boy. He was just resting on the floor. I knew (at least I thought I knew) that he was uncomfortable. The Vet said that I didn't need to make an immediate decision but I probably would have to do so within the week. The toxins that were in his blood would most likely cause him to have seizures next. Every time I thought that I would lose my boy in the last year, I didn't, but now I didn't have any more time. I got on the floor with my boy and stayed with him for his final journey. He wagged his tail until the very end.

I miss him so much. I am just devastated. I'm afraid that I may have put him through more than I should have. He was a love of my life and he took my heart with him when he passed. I can't stop crying. I just want to crawl into a hole. I don't want to sleep because I know that when I wake up, he won't be here. I won't see his sweet face looking up at me over the edge of the bed... his paw lifting up to me as if to say "hey"... his tail endlessly wagging... his most sweetest face looking at me from the passenger seat in the car when we would go for our rides...(He loved our rides. Even when he was sick, he would run to the door with enthusiam if he thought that I was going anywhere. It would break my heart to leave him behind.)... our conversations ....

Molsonsmom, I am so very very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you now. You did everything you certainly could and I don't think (for what it's worth) that you held on too long or put him through too much. You did what you felt was right out of the love in your heart. You did good.
I understand wanting to crawl into a hole. I still wish I could live in that hole alot of times. Our dog, Buck, was the same way your baby was at the end. He was playing with his ball with what little energy he had left until the very end. Seizures were hours or minutes away as well. I understand what you're feeling and I just wanted you to know.
Please let us know how you're doing.
-Donna

Dear Molsonsmom,

I first would like to say that my condolences are with you during this hard time. I know the pain you are feeling. Please stay strong and know that your decision in the end was based on the love that you have for your beloved dogs. I too was faced with a similar situation and as each day passes I try to remember that I had to make the same decision because I loved my dog so much and could not see him in further pain. It is never an easy decision for us to make and the many what “if” and “should of” play over in our heads. Please know that you did the best you could and I hope as each day passes you begin to smile again from all of the good memories that your beloved pets have blessed you with.

I am sending you many warm hugs during this hard time.

MommyluvsuLukas

Hi, Michele, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Jack. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our beloved companions on this side of eternity - - at great sacrifice to ourselves - - so that they can be healed to their former youthfulness in the presence of the angels.

Michele, unfortunately guilt is one of the hardest emotions of this grief journey to reconcile for it comes from looking back and thinking all the "what if's" "why didn't I's" "why did I's" "should have's" should not have"s" - - all the things that come to haunt our hearts and souls from the deepest sorrow we will know on this this of eternity - - the physical loss of our beloved companions. But hopefully in time you will come to know that you did everything that was in your power to help your precious Jack be comfortable - - right up to his very last days and hours and minutes - - of his earthly journey with you. He knows that whatever you did for him - - including the subq fluids - - was done with the deepest love in your heart for him.

One of the hardest things to adjust to - - if not THE hardest - - is rebuilding our lives without the physical presence of our precious companions when they have joined the angels. It is both physically and emotionally devastating to NOT have their physical presence with us. And yes, when they precede us to the angels they do take the part of us that belongs only to them with them, which is why we feel that a part of us is missing - - the part that belongs only to them. You see, during their earthly journey with us they give to us their very heart and spirit with their unconditional love and undivided attention. They give us so many memories to treasure, and we in turn surrendered a part of ourselves to them which they took with them to keep us close to them while they patiently wait for our appropriate time to be reunited with them in eternal joy.

But even though we don't have their precious physical presence with us, we DO have their sweet Living Spirits forever with us in our hearts and memories. Love knows no physical boundaries - - it is not confined to the physical laws of time and space. So, as we continue our earthly journey we have their eternal love with us - - always sharing in real time whatever we do and wherever we go. The love bond that we have with our beloved companions continues on - - not even the dimming of our minds from age can ever take this away from us for our hearts will always burn warmly with their memory.

Michele, I know right now there are no words that can adequately offer you comfort or come close to consoling your broken heart. If there were, then this grief journey would be a lot easier than what it is, at least I would hope so. Please know you are not alone in your journey, not even during the darkest moments. We are here for you, Michele, for as long and as often as you need us.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Michele, and please do let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Michele, I'm very sorry for your loss. Having to say goodbye to that many furbabies in such a short period of time...my goodness...my heart goes out to you. I know the decision is never easy. The guilt of - what if's -, oh those are the worst. but you did everything you could for your Jack. And you did it out of love, believe me Michele, if you didnt have those surgeries done you would feel guilty for not doing more for him (I know...that is the guilt that I'm going through now...if only I had the surgery done on Daisy she would be here with me now...but she's not). We make this decision at the moment...and yes one day we will look back and know that it was the right one. Jack knows you love him very much, and he loves you too.

Annette

Well, it's one week ago almost to the minute that I lost Jack. I feel so much sadness... I don't think I was able to truly miss my two girls that I lost three weeks before Jack due to the fact that I was so busy taking care of him, so it's all came crashing down on me. Anyone that hasn't had multiple dogs in their home and have lost so many within such a short time cannot imagine how quite and lonely it is. I'm missing my babies... I have a big knot in my stomach most of the time. I try to keep busy so that I don't think so much. I don't want to be home, yet I don't want to go anywhere because then I have to come home and miss my greetings and the reality of what is I would imagine that I'll be getting a call in the next day or two from the Vet letting me know that Jack's ashes have been returned. I kept thinking about him all week... wondering where he is. When I get the ashes, it will be so final.

Hi, Michele, multiple losses, particularly in a short period of time, can multiply the grief exponentially, paticularly when you have to "suppress" your grief as you're taking care of others who need your focus. I went through that when my Oslo joined the angels last November 29, 2009, because my beautiful Abbygayle was in end stage Fibrosarcoma and needed my focused attention to make her time with me and her sibling brother Noah as comfortable as possible. It was only until she joined the angels in March 2010 that I could actually "break down" and grieve them both - - and it has been a challenge making my way through this grief journey.

So, what you are experiencing, Michele, if it's any comfort to you, is normal - - and you are among friends here who are walking your journey with you and beside you.

Michele, yes, getting our beloved's ashes back is just another "reality" that our beloved companions are no longer physically with us. Their ashes are a two-edged sword: on one side it is comforting to having their ashes back home with us, while on the other side of the blade it is a reminder that we can no longer hold their precious living bodies in our arms, that we have to rely on our precious memories of their earthly journey with us so that we do not go insane from our grief.

Michele, I so do wish there was an easier way through this grief journey. The only thing we can do is hold fast onto our precious memories, embrace our beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits in our hearts and memories, and hold onto the comfort that we will be reunited with our beloved companions when it is our appropriate time to join them in eternal joy. And of course this just takes time - - one day at a time, and holding onto the comfort and support of those who know what you're going through.

Michele, thank you for letting us know how you're doing, and please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

THANK YOU MOON BEAM.

Dear Michele

I am so sorry for your losses, and the recent loss of your dear Jack. I know how empty and lost you must feel. Yes the house just doesn't seem right at all does it when we have been used to sharing with our precious fur babies. Remember they will always be with you though, always watching over their mom, and wanting her to be ok.

I send a big hug to you and you precious Angels.
Love Jan and my Angels and Pixie xx