Reading your posts has helped me feel better. Please hear my story.

My lovely cat Majestée passed away last night at the vet's. She had stopped eating, her liver was bad and treatment would've been very expensive with no telling if she'd properly recover. She was almost 16. Her birthday was in 3 weeks. This is the first time I had a pet die on me, (other than a hamster or turtle.)In fact, I've never had someone this close to me die at all, humans included. I knew she had to die eventually. She was getting old. But it's just so hard.

Please tell me, how did you survive through this? This is unreal. I have never cried so hard in my life. I cried so much that I ran out of tears. I was scared I was going to hyperventilate. This morning I am still crying. She wasn't there when I woke up. She wasn't there to ask for food. She won't be there to greet me when I come home. I can't imagine her not being there. She was sleeping on my bed just yesterday. She was sitting on that chair. She was lying down on that balcony. She was sitting in that corner right there. Now she's not. Not there. She's not there. This can't be true. She has been with me through everything for the past 16 years. I have lived more than half my life with her. I can't imaging anything else. I won't be hearing her funny-sounding meowing anymore. Her purring. She won't lick my hand anymore. It hurts so much, what do I do?

She's going to be incinerated along with other cats. It happened so fast. I wanted to keep her ashes but it's too late now. I don't even know what the vet does with the ashes.

I always thought I wanted to have more cats, but why have them when it's so painful when they leave? I still have another kitty with me. Now I'm scared for when he will leave me too. I have to go back to work on Monday. I don't know if I can. I feel so alone. Please help me.

Here are pictures
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v395/sap...luna/Cat/4b.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v395/sap...luna/Cat/m2.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v395/sap...luna/Cat/m3.jpg

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your Majestee was beautiful.

My cat was almost 16 years old too. Her birthday would of been this upcoming Monday. It is very difficult when we lose our companion. Sometimes it does happen so quickly. I too decided to have her cremated along with other kitties. There is no wrong decision. You are deep in your sorry right now. Try to give as much attention you can to your other cat. They feel our hurt and sorrow. The other kitty maybe grieving too. We are here for you share what you are going through. You will know over time if you want another kitty or not.

Karen aka Mishasmom

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my cat of 15 years and know how hard it is to not see her where you always saw her. It took a long time for me not to look down when I opened the door to make sure my kitty was not in the doorway. One thing I wanted to mention that for me as well I made the arrangements so fast at the vet's office and did not realize that things may not happen immediately. My cat was taken to the pet cemetary and I found out later that he was not picked up from the vet's office for almost a week. So it may not be too late to change your request to a private cremation so you can get the ashes back as you would like. I don't want to get your hopes up if it happened already but it does not hurt to call the vet and see if you can change things now. It may be possible.

I am very sorry to hear of your loss and know exactly what you are feeling--we are a multi-cat household--and we have experienced it many times. Just recently--within the space of one month--we lost 3 cats. This is a good place you have come to--it was a big help when I lost a cat through a very tragic accident.

Check with your vet--"sad" is right-at our vets--the pet creamatory picks up once a week---hopefully they still have Majestée there. She was a pretty cat and it will get better--with time--don't be afraid to feel what you feel and give your other kitty lots of love--I truly believe that they know---

I'm struck by how many elements are common in just about all our stories-- the feeling of unreality, the feeling of not being able to breath, the feeling that our lives have lost purpose or meaning. Also, a lot of us seem to have semi-suicidal thoughts. We might visualize ourselves being euthanized alongside the pet, or we might express a desire to die in place of the pet.

Also the feeling that you can never have another pet because you can't bear to go through this kind of loss again, I think a lot of us have felt that. And I think that feeling creates more anxiety because you start telling yourself that you'll never again have this special kind of relationship that you had with your pet. And who wants to go through life like that?

I have felt all of these things in the past two and a half weeks since my cat Flo died on June 26th, just a week and a half short of her 17th birthday. She was a brown tabby too. Like yours. With a little white muzzle.

I feel like this forum has saved my life, or at least my sanity. I hope it does the same for you.

Unfortunately, there is no way to speed up the grieving process, Sapphireluna. It is just unbelievably painful, and you are probably still in shock from what happened. The loss of our pets is often harder than the loss of even important humans in our lives, because we love our pets unconditionally, and they us, and the apparent loss of that love is horrifying, especially when you've never gone through it before. I am sorry that you are having to feel this devastation that almost everyone on this Forum has had to face at one time or another in our lives--I, most recently, about five weeks ago when I lost my beloved Ladywolf, a 90% wolf hybrid whom I adored.

In my case, I feel Ladywolf's presence around me everywhere I go in my house. She is still here, even though she isn't--it's kind of hard to explain. And I'm not even a very religious person, but I feel her spirit very strongly. Perhaps that will happen for you too, in time.

Remember to breathe, and take this one moment at a time. Be sure to take care of yourself--eat, sleep--even if you don't feel like it. Work can be hard, but it can also be a good distraction. I'm unemployed right now, bored witless, and have the whole day to sit around feeling sad about a lot of things, and that's not good either.

My heart goes out to you. Majestee was a gorgeous kitty--it's no wonder you are feeling such grief. Grief is another of those darned "learning experiences" that we all have to go through at some time or other, and unfortunately, your time is now. Please continue to come to this Forum--it is so wonderfully helpful!

Big big hugs from Margi, Spiritwolf and Leopold the Terrible (my new kitten!)

Thank you all so much. This is a wonderful site. I feel better knowing I am not alone. I have friends who have expressed sympathy for me, but I live alone so I do feel lonely. I feel like my other cat is sad, but I wonder if he has noticed already that his friend is gone.
I was trying to do some cleaning today and I kept crying because I saw her hair everywhere and cleaned it off. I saved some of it and placed it in my scrapbook.

Thinking of you Dear Sapphireluna, and your beautiful Majestee. Hugs for your other kitty , who will be feeling the loss too. I would check at your vets, as I think they kept my Noushkafor a few days, until the collection, but remember that she is with you in your heart and soul forever.
Hugs
Jan and my Angels and Pixie xx

Just read your post please call your vet it does sometimes take a few days before they pick the animals up. I went back two days later and picked up my max he hadnt been picked up yet and I brought him home and burried him. So you may have plenty time to let them know you want your babies ashes. I am thinking about you

Hugs
Anna and my Angels

I am so sorry Sapphireluna. I lost my Nikita four almost five weeks ago and I know the terrible grief you are going through; the thought of her not being there in her usual places doing her usual things is devastating right now. Unfortunatly as Margi said there is now quick way to get throught this grieve, it is a process with some days being beteer some worse. Many little things will trigger your feelings and right now memories are painful. But it does get better, we don't forget them but that feeling of emptiness and utter loss does subside. This is a wonderful place where you can share your grief and vent your feelings with those who understand. She was such a pretty kitty, I'm so so sorry.

John

Hi, Sapphireluna, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Majestée. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. And it doesn't matter if it's our first loss or our thousandth - - the grief journey is still painful - - both physically and emotionally.

How do you get through this grief journey? One day at a time, Sapphireluna - - sometimes one moment at a time, particularly in the early grief journey when we are in the deepest, darkest part of the journey. Unfortunately our society in general does not accept the reality that the grief journey for the physical loss of a beloved companion is identical to the loss of a human family member or friend. In fact, clinical professionals are now recognizing that the physical loss of a beloved companion can be more devastating because - - our beloved companions offer to us their unconditional love and undivided attention, and we in turn surrender ourselves to them without reservation. The human/beloved companion bond is deeper than the human/human bond. This is one of the many reasons why the physical loss of a beloved companion is both physically and emotionally painful.

The goal of the grief journey is to try to find a peace in your heart and mind that will help you to be able to continue your journey on this side of eternity that will honor the new relationship that you have with your beloved companion - -for your relationship with Majestée has just temporarily changed to a different dimension. Her sweet Living Spirit is still forever with you in your heart and memories, and she is still very much a part of your life as she always has been and always will be. Physical separation does not diminish the love that you shared during your journey together on this side of eternity. The love you share now is no longer dependent on the restrictive laws of time and space that we are physically confined to on this side of eternity. But it takes time to adjust to the physical loss of our beloved companions, and unfortunatley, this is a very painful, and bitter, process of the grief journey.

Sapphireluna, you are so right - - you are not alone in your grief journey, and this is one of the many important things for you to hold onto. This grief journey has so many highs and lows, twists and turns, ups and downs and turnarounds - - sometimes all at once in one day at different times during the day. Margi has given you some very good advice, along with the others. I know what it's like to go to work after a loss, but that doesn't stop the wave of emotions from bubbling up and running over. Thank goodness for the restroom where you can go to release some of the emotions privately so that you can go back to your desk to continue your job - - whatever your job may be - -. And then for me, in addition to the restroom, there were the drives to and from work tears streaming down my face with gut wrenching sobbing. Coming home can be as painful even when there are other beloved companions still in the household, for the entire dynamics of the family unit have changed - - because you, the other furkids, as well as the structure of the home know that someone very important is physically missing. It is important for you to release the grief you are feeling, for the tears you shed are healing tears - - they literally release the toxins that build up in your body from the stress of grieving. Some folks think that if they suppress their grief that it will help them not to feel so sad, but what they are actually doing is more harmful for those emotions will eventually surface and can be more painful both physically and emotionally to deal with whenever and however they are experienced.

Sapphireluna, thank you so much for sharing with us your precious Majestée. You truly did the best for her by releasing her from her physically failing body so that she can be healed and restored to her former healthy body in the company of angels, even though it is at a great sacrifice to you. That is what love is - - that is what a GREAT love is - - putting the need of another before ourselves even when it means that our hearts will be shattered with deep sorrow.

Sapphireluna, I hope in some way what I have shared with you will be of some comfort to you. Right now there are no adequate words that can take away the deep sorrow you are feeling. But please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please do let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

One more thought before I go on my camping trip. Our cats were about the same age when they died. I think once cats get that far past their natural lifespan (I think of a natural lifespan as how old the cat would live to be in the wild.), they develop all sorts of funny little symptoms, and the vet more often than not can't tell you what all those symptoms mean. With Flo, she had symptoms consistent with cancer, diabetes, kidney failure, immune system failure, arthritis and probably a few other things. If I had made the decision that I was going to rule out each possible disease and then treat whatever was treatable, I think the last year of her life would have been hell for her. She might have died just from the stress of going through all those diagnostic procedures.

I think part of what you're going through is maybe some regret about not treating Majestée's liver condition. I think I would have made the same decision you did, because I think at that age, you don't know what's going to happen when you treat one ailment. In all likelihood, another terminal condition is lurking right around the corner, and then you've put your pet through all that stress for no good reason. I think once your pet gets to a certain age, you have to think in terms of what they call for people "comfort care."

I just say that because part of the healing process for me has been hearing people say "You made the right decision." Or, as the vet said to me the morning we put Flo down, "It's the sane thing to do."

@ kurt_t
I understand what you mean. Treating her would have been very stressful and the vet would have had to keep her for a few days. I'm sure she would've been scared and unhappy. It makes me feel better to think that she is no longer suffering.

@ moon_beam
Thank you so much. Although I will miss her, I know she is with me in everything I do. I have been hurting myself by replaying her final moments in my head over and over but now I'm trying to just think of the good memories.

I managed to call my vet. it's not too late to get her ashes, but I have to go down there today and pay..I didn't want to go back there knowing she is still there, but if I don't I may regret it later. Wish me luck.

Hi, Sapphireluna, I do know how traumatic it is going to be for you to go back to the vet to pay for your precious Majestée. It's hard going back to the same vet - - even when it's under more "positive" circumstances with a healthy furchild just for routine care. After my Eli joined the angels it took me six months to be able to take my other furkids into the vet for their medical check ups without tears welling up in my eyes. When I took my Noah in for a check up and to get his Rabies vaccination last month I just barely made it through the visit. When we got back into the car and on the way home I broke down sobbing because it had only been 11 weeks since my beautiful Abbygayle joined the angels (see Abbygayle's Journey for more details when, if, you want to).

Just know we are here for you whenever you need us, Sapphireluna. We do understand everything that you're going through, and I'm glad you're being able to get your precious Majestée's ashes. I hope getting your Majestée's ashes will be a comfort to you. Please let us know how things went, okay?

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you.
I went there to make the arrangements yesterday. I started crying as soon as I came in and saw the door to the room where she had been alive in, just 3 days ago... I was crying as I talked to the lady and she asked me what I wanted to write on the plaque...
It was very expensive, but I prefer to know where she is. I will keep her ashes and maybe someday I'll decide if I want to bury them or scatter them or keep them.
I will have to go pick them up when they call. It's going to be hard to think I am holding my kitty, except now it's just remains in an urn... But doing it made me feel better. I was afraid to regret if I didn't done it.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It has been 10 weeks since my kitty soulmate died, and I felt the way you describe. It will never go away, but the grief becomes less overwhelming and less scary as time goes on. I remember the anxiety I felt when I went over his last week in my mind over and over again...I felt like it was hard to breathe, the permanency of his being gone...for good...made me feel like I was suffocating. I used to wake up at night having trouble breathing.
I just want you to know that you've come to the right place. For me, knowing that other people loved their animals as much as I did, and somehow survived the loss, is what kept me going. It's hard to talk to people about it in everyday life, most just don't understand.
I know the sadness of losing your beautiful girl is almost consuming right now, but I ask myself "would you give up your time with Stew, just to save yourself the grief you're feeling now?" and my answer is ALWAYS "No way!" Our time together was so amazing, from the first day...he taught me so much, and I gave him a pretty good life. I'll take the pain ten times over if I have to, I don't ever want to forget our time together.
I had no other pets, and felt so horribly alone (even though my husband and daughter are here, they are furless...not the same) so we got 2 rescue kitties over the last couple of weeks. They are so NOT Stew, but that's ok. I'm trying to grow a connection with them. Having them hasn't taken anything away from Stew. I still picture him everywhere, in every room.
Somehow, life goes on, because it has to. We're here for you through this process.
Take care.
Kelly

I too wish to add my sorrow over your loss of Majestee. You said you have been hyperventilating. When my dog, Kota, passed two months ago, I felt a weight on my chest, like I had lost part of my heart and lungs, and just couldn't breathe. Two weeks after she was gone, I developed bronchitis, which has lasted 6 weeks. An acupuncturist friend of mine stated that when a person goes thru severe grief, it settles in their lungs. Regardless of this, your loss is still so fresh and new. It really sucks. I, and others here, know how intensely hard it is to accept that their is life after such an unbearable loss.

Friends and family mean well but many don't understand, nor can they feel, the sadness and emptiness you have to bear. Like you too, I am single, no family, live alone...no in home built-in support system. Please keep coming back here, especially in your times of despair and hopelessness. You will always be accepted here. There is also a chat room on this site. Nothing will ever replace your Majestee. I personally feel it's good you still have another kitty companion, and it's normal now to think of her mortality too. In time, you will become more "in the present" with her. Please know that you gave her 16 years of paradise here on earth. It's such a helpless feeling. You will survive.

Dennis

It's amazing how kind the people here are! You guys really understand. My friends and boyfriend mean well and understand that I'm sad, but they can never truly understand.

I will adopt another cat. But not now. Maybe later. There are so many cats in shelters who need me. It's selfish not to give them the space I have.
I feel much better, thank you all.

Hi, Sapphireluna, just getting caught up on how things went for you going back to the vet to make arrangements for Majestée. I have found having my furkids' ashes is comforting, and I hope you will find it to be the same for you, once you get beyond having to go back to the vet's office to pick up her ashes.

Unfortunately our society does not accept the fact that the grief journey for a beloved companion is the same as that for a human family member or friend. Also, unfortunately, more times than not it is the people who are the closest to us - - family or friends - - who are the least understanding. I have the same situation with my older siblings. This is one of the many reasons why this wonderful Forum was developed - - to be a place where we can come to share our hearts with others who can understand what we're going through - - where each of us can find comfort and encouragement with each other.

Sapphireluna, I hope in time you will be able to feel Majestée's sweet Living Spirit still with you - - continuing to share your heart and life as she always has and always will, and that this will be comforting to you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please do let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Sapphireluna:

My Baby girl Myszka passed away the same day as your baby. I'm in the same boat as you Her birthday would have been 5 weeks from now. I'm so sorry for your loss because I know how unbearable this is right now. I can only hope and pray that they are at Rainbow Bridge and perhaps they met each other on the way there.


I've only been on this forum as long as you have and feel very comforted by everyone here. I cry but I know Im not alone.

I too have another cat left and worry about him to. I dont know if this will help you but this morning I went to a shelter. Not to adopt but to see all the cats that are looking for luv. I dont know if I can get a cat right now. I mean yes I can and it will help my guy at home but no because I feel I am crushing my baby girls legacy with me. but regardless the shelter helped a little

Myszka, our story is so similar, isn't it! I hope you are doing well despite everything. I too went to a shelter today! I'm a volunteer dog walker there. I looked at all the kitties too and felt a bit sad. I will get another cat, but not now.

I am doing better. I am doing much better than I would have imagined. In fact, I feel guilty for feeling this good. I imagined myself crying for weeks, but I have stopped crying. I feel disloyal. I still miss my kitty dearly, but I have stopped crying and I'm trying to forget the bad memories. Am I terrible for not being in that much pain anymore so quickly? I don't understand. It's not like I did not love Majestée enough!

Is any one of you joining the Monday Candle Ceremony? I went for the second time and cried more than I thought. But it is comforting.
I received my cat's ashes. The cremation company was really nice and sent me a card and the Rainbow Bridge poem and a certificate of authenticity. They also included a lock of fur. It made me cry a lot. I had Haruka, my remaining cat, sniff it and he licked it. He licked the urn too. I wonder if he knows. I displayed the urn in my living room, not sure where to place it.

It makes me happy to have her near me, but at the same time it makes me feel so sad to think that my friend from so long is now a pile of dust. She was there just 2 weeks ago. It seems like she's just away for a while, that any second now I'm going to see her turn the corner to my room. But she's not coming back. Sometimes I imagine seeing her, but it's just a cushion, or a shadow...
I know this is all part of life, but it's still just so painful.