It's been 40 days today since I've seen my little man. It's hard to believe I haven't kissed him or held him or told him I love him in 40 days. I feel ok this morning though. I have these moments of semi-acceptance every once in a while. I guess eventually, they will come more often. I just keep thinking that he has to be disappointed in me. He could've never imagined, when I dropped him off that morning, he'd never come home. I hope he doesn't blame me. I guess I am giving human emotions and thoughts to a dog, which I'm sure he wasn't capable of. But it's hard not to.

Dear My Heart--

I just wrote you a long response, and then a little computer burp caused it to vanish. So I'll make this one shorter...

I'm glad that you are okay, and are experiencing moments of "semi-acceptance" and relief from the pain. But I wish that you could see your way clear to being gentler on yourself and not blaming yourself for what happened to Cooper. How could he possibly blame you? You did nothing wrong. You took him in to the vet to get his teeth cleaned, in good faith and with the confidence that everything was going to be all right. A horrible, freak accident occurred which was not your fault.

Clearly, you loved Cooper madly. You would never have done anything intentionally to hurt him, and he knows that.

It is so sad that guilt often turns out to be a necessary part of the grieving process. I'm not making you "wrong" for feeling guilty--just pointing out that this is the time to give yourself a break and not make your grieving process even harder than it already is. Everything you did was "normal"--just the outcome was not--it was tragic. Be kind to yourself, and be kind to your beloved memories of Cooper. You did nothing wrong.

Big hugs from Margi and Spiritwolf

Dear My Heart
What Margi is saying is so true. You absolutely did nothing wrong. The only thing you ae guilty of is loving your Cooper with all your heart.

Hugs
Anna and my angels
xoxoxo

Dear My Heart Cooper, I know how you feel. Today I only cried once so far. I started to ask myself if that means I'm doing better, but part of me knows I'm not doing better, I think I'm just so tired that the physical exhaustion has dulled my emotions. I feel guilty too like you, Sluggo like your Cooper was in for a procedure that was supposed to make him better, and I let him down. I keep telling myself that if I acted sooner, the disease wouldn't have progressed as it did and therefore maybe I'd have done this treatment sooner he would have been stronger then, and it wouldn't have taken his life. Then I go back to blaming the vets, if that first vet didn't put him on such a high dose of that medication...or if that specialist vet would have gave me a list of signs to look for...the mental torment is what wakes me up at night. Yesterday my daughter and I talked in the car for a long time. One of her friends was killed last October and she was talking about him and telling me how he visits her...and she had dreamed of Sluggo the night he died although I didn't tell her about it till the next morning when she came over. She said she felt it and she feels now that it was his time, she doesn't know how but she feels it. She is an empath and somehow that brought me peace, knowing that maybe there is a grand design out there. Another friend of mine who is very spiritual said that he has something else to do now...so maybe just maybe there is more to this physical existence, and our souls have journeys here, and then a continued journey elsewhere. Someday we will all be in the same place, and we will see from the broader perspective what this all means, I have to believe that.
Take care,
Tracey

It's strange because it truly was our vet's fault that Cooper died. They made a mistake and messed up. But for some reason, I place more blame on me than the vet. We've filed the appropriate complaints but I've yet to get angry. I kind of hope I never do. In Coop's five and a half years, anger was never an emotion I associated with him in any way. And I don't want to do that now. I want his memory to be all joy and love. I've tried to convince myself that maybe we are all given a set amount of time at the beginning. Maybe this was all he was supposed to have. And if this wouldn't have happened, something else would've. So I should be grateful it was peaceful and painless for him. I am struggling a lot with the religious/spiritual aspect though. I've always believed in spirits but not in heaven, even though it didn't make sense to me that I could believe one and not the other. But now I want nothing more than to believe.

Hi,

Just what you said at the end of your post, the struggle with religion and spirituality. Me too. I want to believe, but my heart keeps saying that what it comes down to is that Kota is just no longer here with me. My loving her goes off into empty space, and it hurts to have this kind of love. Every moment spent with Cooper, every touch, kiss, smile, walk, feeding, cuddling...every decision right up until the end, was done out of the simple obviousness of your life together...it was obvious that you had no choice but to love each other. Cooper had a life, a life worthy of royalty. I'm sorry you have those regrets and what if's...I'm not sorry that you got to have a life with Cooper. Thinking of you.

Dennis