Hi Everyone-
I just wanted to say that I truly appreciate the comments and the kind and loving support that people offer here. It is the nicest forum I have ever seen. Dennis had mentioned that perhaps I start my own thread so people can respond to my messages about Baden, but I love hearing other people's stories about their beloved animals. Its not all about me, its about everyone and to hear other people who have been through a situation or just want to express the happiness and joy about their pets (or even the despair) definitely helps me to feel more supported. So, I wanted to open up a thread to whatever-good or bad. Someone today told me I should try to be positive and get busy. The words glossed right over me as the LAST thing I want to be right now is positive. I think that there is a time and place and grieving is an important process. I study a lot about the Law of Attraction and am usually in the mind frame with my job (in an integrative medical practice) telling people to 'be positive', but right now I want to be REAL. Like LOA says, you cannot go from 88.9 to 107.5 vibration overnight. Its a step by step process. First it takes putting your canoe in down stream and going with the flow. Right now, that is all I can do...is try to go with the flow and let the tears flow as they wish. When I hold them in and 'try to be positive' it feels like I am paddling upstream. When my dog was dying and I was utterly confused about what to do as the vet kept pushing me saying, there is a 'quality of life here' and wanted me to put Baden down, My friend who helped both of her parents die, and then got into hospice work ended up saying, 'F*C& the vet, there is a 'Quality of Death' as well.' It allowed me to step back into my own intuition and do what I thought and knew in my heart was right. Only we as pet owners can make that decision for our own pets. If they are in excruciating pain, that 'quality of life/death' issue changes (at least in my mind). Its a big ethical consideration that we do not have to explore with humans, as there are less options. Anyhow, I am trying to really tap into myself right now and go through the process, despite what other people think/want from me.

I also wanted to add something that people may or may not have thought of, that dawned on me today while talking to my intuitive therapist. I was telling her how much I was missing Baden and how amazing he was as a person/dog/entitiy-I always called him 'my little man' or 'my best man'. But her response as she was looking into him said, 'well just know that he is so amazing because of the person that you are and the depth and character that you instilled in him. His amazement came from the amazing person that you are.' It was such a nice statement and made me feel good as a 'Mom'. Interestingly, after I got off the phone, I thought back to my dream last night. In the dream, Baden was at my parents house and it was him but he was not the same dog. He was owned by my parents, instead of me. In real life my parents are notorious for raising dogs that are disobedient and not the brightest bulbs. Baden was completely different and I couldnt figure it out-he was agitated, seemed to be mentally troubled and was not the 'happy go lucky' dog that I knew. He had dipped his face in a bag of flour in his defiance and confusion and he seemed to have no idea what was going on or how to behave. I was extremely bothered by the whole scenario and the way he was acting. I thought about what my therapist said and thought, 'gosh....perhaps he would have been a totally different dog had my parents raised him.' It really dawned on me that when we say we are missing a piece of our heart, or a piece of ourselves, we truly are. I guess in knowing that we put our heart and soul into these animals that turned them into the amazing beauties that they were/are, we were truly seeing the side of ourselves that we loved. We were seeing our own self-respect, our own unconditional love and our best selves within a little animal that reflected back everything that is amazing in us. That in itself is a gift, despite the longing/missing them. Perhaps we are truly missing part of ourselves...that extension of our love. When Baden died, I learned true love. On the days that he was living, I lived in love and bliss with him. But, the true learning showed me that every relationship(friendship, intimate or whatever) that I have should be like the one I had with that dog-based on trust, respect, giving, honesty and love.

I cried multiple times today. My words are leaving me as I look around to his pile of dog toys that he had so much fun with. My mind goes back to the guilt of how I wish I played with him more when he was longing to play and I was tired from work/stress. Ugghhh. I know its a natural process and most of us wish we could have done some things differently. We did the best that we could do with what we knew. The time went so quickly didnt it? I wish there was a way to bring them back after they leave after truly realizing what it is like to sit in their void. Some people get their X's back all fixed up who have so much more appreciation and gratitude the 2nd time around. I never did. I do know that during his life I would hug and kiss Baden all the time and everyday I woke up appreciating what an angel that dog was to my life. I knew it would be the most gut-wrenching experience of my life, I just never wanted it to happen. Im still in shock that it did happen. Has anyone really ever come to the conclusion of being okay with death? Somehow in our culture that wisdom seems to have been lost. I am looking to find it........

Be Blessed Everyone. Thank you for being there and listening.....
Amy

Dear Amy

First of all please let me say how sorry I am that your precious Baden had to leave this 'Earthly' plain, and join our Angels at the Rainbow bridge. I truly believe that our hearts and souls are linked for eternity, and I feel the presence of my Angels constantly. Like you and many on here I felt that I would never overcome the pain, sadness, emptyness, that gaping hole that we feel in our hearts, but now after 9 months, I do feel more or less 'whole' again. For me after each and everyone of my darling fur babies who left me the time has been similar. It certainly didn't get any easier, but I do know that eventually we can feel the warmth and presence of our darlings in our hearts and souls, instead of it being a tearing , raw pain.

I love your photo of Baden, he's a darling, and he reminds me of my darling 'Soot' my black lab, who has been my Angel for 18 years now.
Your posting is beautiful and a wonderful tribute to your Baden and all our Angels. Yes we help to make them what they are, but oh boy do they help us to be 'better' humans. Our hearts become more generous and caring, hopefully more like theirs. Sharing that wonderful 'bond' is the greatest gift in life, and we must understand that we are so lucky to have the honour of being able to experience it.
Take each moment, one at a time. You are a spiritual person, watch out for 'signs' that your dear Baden is letting you know,' Mommy I'm ok , I'm here and I'll never leave you'.
I have had many signs from my dear Angels over the years, be they fur angels or human angels. They bring me so much comfort and have convinced me that this 'earthly' phase in our existence is but the start of our eternal journey.
I send love and a big comforting HUG for you and your darling Angel Baden.
Thinking of you.
Love Jan and my Angels and Pixie x

Amy, Baden is gorgeous! What a handsome boy.

I do believe we have alot to do with our pets personalities....and vice versa. I can be very inpatient and moody...and so could Brutus at times. Any good qualities I have most definately came from Brutus....I always say my bad qualities came from my parents...lol.

Praying for peace for you,
Hugs,
Sonya

A big hug and Thank You to both of you. I am trying to be strong. Its so hard. Sometimes I feel like the wires are going to cross in my brain and Im going to lose it. Yes, these animals brought out the best in us, which it has been said thats what a true friend is. My dog was a true friend to me, and there for me in thick and thin. He had my back, always!

Its strange because dogs have been staring at me lately...and trying to run from their owners to get to me. Its like they know something, as if they can see, 'oh my god..she lost her best friend.' It is quite bizarre. I do think they have some higher wisdom. I wanted to share a link with you all. This lady has been helping me to connect with my dog. She is a medium and has brought some solace to the situation. xo

http://www.keen.com/details/LuckySpoons/Li...estions/5329392

Amy,
I agree that our animal friends do develop who they become with our help. When my boy died, one of the gals at the Vet's office wrote in a card to me that "Stew was the coolest cat I've ever known. But much of who he was was because of your love for him..." and I do have to sort of agree...he became more confident and sweet the longer I had him. He and I really meshed. I certainly can't take all the credit, but I'd like to think think that I had something to do with how he turned out. I know I definitely became a better person thanks to Stew's influence on me.
It makes me feel a little bit better in my grief when I think of this, thanks for bringing it up.

Kelly

Amy, thank you so much for writing that post. I have been reading this forum every day and am so amazed at the hearts of the people here-- sometimes I would think that kind of love only existed between me and my dogs, and considered the "outside world" to be full of heartless people. But to read the words of all of you, writing about your feelings of loss and love, and feeling exactly that myself is so helpful because it puts me in the presence of the same kind of love that I shared with my Sluggo, and that you all share with your beloved pets. Yes we are truly better because of them, and they were made better because of us. I find myself being thankful that I was such a good mommy to him, because what if he had gottten someone else who wouldn't have taken care of him, addressed his medical needs, wouldn't have loved him or taught him this love? I imparted that love and beauty to his soul, and he to mine.
Its truly remarkable that I have read so many words here and each one of them were the same words that were on the tip of my own tongue, and could have been recited word for word from my heart. There must be something that brought us all here, and I would like to think that our beloved pets are also here too, sharing in this space with us, feeling our heartfelt words and outpouring of love to them.
Tracey

This is a wonderful place, wonderful people and I do believe our angels are here also. So many of us come here just to write to our angels for I too feel this is a link to our Angels. For it is them who brought us here. We are all connected through them. I choose to believe all our angels are together there at the rainbow bridge watching over us as we are helping each other here. We all share the same feelings just like you said Tracey as going through and reading other post they are like reading exactly what we are feeling. We are the blessed ones who had the oppritunity to share and experience the love of an animal. A love that goes far beyond this world, one that not even death can distroy. I like how Amy put it that some people get second chances with ex's and the love was much stronger. Can you imagine loving our Angels any more then we already do. But I do believe they come back to us more then once in our lives through other fur babies. I beleive life is a constant circle maybe that is the meaning of eternity to be reborn over and over. Atleast thats what I want to beleive that they only leave us for a short time to be reborn in a new healthy body. They will find thier way back to us. I have had what I call a reincarnation of a dog. I had a dog that would smile what I called an Elvis smile she would curl her upper lip and show her teeth and would waggle her butt. About 5 years later after I lost her I got a dashound that did the exact same thing I would always say it was my girl reincarnated. I often wonder how many of us here have had similar experiences. I do know they have sent many signs letting us know they are with us. Oh Sonya I truely loved what you said your good habbits were from Brutus and the bad ones from your Parents made me chuckle.

Hugs to Everyone
Anna and my Angels
xoxo

Hi Everyone-
I thank you for those who have commented. And...I apologize, I have not had much to give lately. I am in the process of uprooting my life in the midst of dealing with the death of my favorite little entitiy of all times. I literally do not have one constant in my life right now-its all changing dramatically-Im moving, closing my business, boyfriend is gone, dog is gone, friends gone....etc. I have barely been holding myself together. I cry everyday and if I am not crying I am holding it in, wishing that I could turn into a water fountain. But, I have been in complete survival mode, just trying to get my stuff sold and get out of here. I am still in such a state of shock-I CANNOT BELIEVE that this is all happening. My dog was the 'person' I was closest to and had never had such a connection with anyone in my life like that. He was my rock, my everything and my absolute best friend. I am sure you all understand. I just feel so lonely without him that sometimes I feel like I am going to die from the pain that is in my heart. I went to bed screaming last night-screaming at God, screaming at the universe about the unfairness of it all. How could this life grant us these amazing creatures that we love so much only to take them away. Mine got taken away in a time I feel like I needed him most. I miss him sooooo much. Sometimes I feel like I am going to throw up and nothing, I mean NOTHING can make me feel better about it. I think this is the worst thing I have ever been through in my life. I would give anything to have 'my man' back. Then I get worried and wonder where he went and who is taking care of him. Then I start to question the whole 'other side' and what in the world is going on up there. Why is it that no one knows? How is it that we are living in this place with no idea about what happens to us after. I know we all speculate about what is up there and hope that we will all see our beloved animals again, but its all so esoteric. If there is one thing I do believe-I believe that we will see them again. It just seems like such a LONG time coming. I cannot believe I have to wait that long to see my baby. I wish I were 80 now. Im tired and my life seems dull and lifeless without my boy in it. He gave me such happiness and such a spark. No matter what was going on, I knew I could get through with him beside me. Now I just dont know. I sort of feel like I will never be happy again...like I will always have this dark cloud above my head due to life's unfair twists that are unavoidable. This Love hurts and I loved that dog so much that the pain in the aftermath feels like it could nearly kill me. Sorry to go on and on. I just needed to get some of this out. I go to bed crying and wake up crying almost everyday. It has been about 3 weeks. I do not feel better. The reality of how he really is not coming back is starting to set in and my heart is breaking at the thought of that. Uggghhh.....

Thank you for listening and gosh I hope you are all hanging in there. I know this is so hard for all of us.

Baden's Mama

Baden's Mama...I'm so sorry for all the unfortunates in your life right now, it is certainly making your pain worse. When major life changes happened to me, I always felt "ok" about them even if they were not good changes because I had Brutus, that constant...Baden was the same for you. I too went to bed crying, woke crying, hid it when I absolutely had too (still do, I've gotten very good at it). Things will get better, it's going to take time, be easy on yourself. Baden is somewhere beautiful, I have to believe that...and you will see him again. How could souls so great have no where to go?

Hang in there and take care of yourself, I will be thinking of you.

Hugs,
Brutus' Mom

Hi,

I'm so, so sorry for everything you're going through. Life really is throwing everything at you all at once. It sucks. But you WILL get through it. And you will come out the other side a stronger person. Losing my baby, Daisy, as the hardest thing I've ever been through, but I was saying to my friend the other day that I feel "more human" for going through it - and surviving. I miss Daisy every single day, and that still hurts, but I can now think of her and smile. It took me a while to get to this place, but I got here. You will too.

Keep talking to your precious Baden and sharing your worries with him. I know he still hears you.

Hang in there. Sending you hugs -- Cheryl x

Amy,

Such a big loss, losing your Baden. All the other stuff, boyfriend, friends, job, home...they all pale in comparison to the love and connection you had for your "little man". I know that nowhere probably feels like home at this point. It's only been 3 weeks in the process of "life after Baden", compared to your time together. Yet after 3 weeks you are coming out of the denial and realizing the reality of the situation of not getting to see him again, at least in this incarnation, on this earth, at the present time. For me it's been 2 months, and a level of denial has been stripped away...I am painfully accepting that I won't get to be with Kota ever again. I don't know what is "beyond" our bodily limitations nor what is beyond our earthly living. I can picture you crying there, feeling lost and alone. Where are you headed, have you any friends to talk to, do you have immediated plans for moving, and for supporting yourself? Sounds like so much turmoil, and the on thing you need the most to ground and comfort you is no longer available. The dark cloud will pass, of course, someone told me that, "Things always look the darkest...just before they go completely black." Or, "Cheer up things could get worse...so I cheered up, and things got worse." I'm more like Woody Allen who said, "I'm the type of person who always looks at the glass as being half full...of poison." I wish you some good thoughts of your beloved Baden, and I know Baden wishes you some good thoughts for yourself. Glad to see you back here.

Dennis

Amy... can you tell me what the lady from the website has done for you in detail?

I wanted to share a link with you all. This lady has been helping me to connect with my dog. She is a medium and has brought some solace to the situation. xo

http://www.keen.com/details/LuckySpoons/Li...estions/5329392
[/quote]

Baden's Mama-

I am so sorry that all of these things are happening to you, it just doesn't seem fair. I know it doesn't help to hear this right now but you will come out of this a much stronger person.

I went thru a lot of the same things with my soul mate Callaway that you are going thru with Baden... I felt like I was going to die, my heart was actually skipping beats and I would feel this strange electrical pulse periodically, this happened for almost fours months, I really believe that was from my heart breaking. Losing Callaway was the worst thing that has ever happened in my life and I feel bad saying that because both my dad and my sister died. The pain that I felt after losing Callaway was the most intense thing I ever felt, I truly didn't think I would survive but I did and so will you. I still hurt after 9 months but I am functioning much better now.

Please come on here often and express your feelings, that was the thing that helped me the most when I was trying to survive after the death of Callaway. We are all here for you and want to help in any way that we can.

Take care of yourself,
Rhapsedy

Thank you all for your support. Its tough and thank god there is this website/forum. I am travelling right now and spending some time with relatives. I feel like I am trying to keep my mind off of it and its all soooo weird. It just hit me again now while I am alone. My dog's ashes were in my car and I had this terrible sense like I had left 'him' in my hot car. I am so used to being responsible for him, wherever we went...I was always thinking ahead about picking him up from daycare/bringing him wherever. I finally went and grabbed his ashes and brought them into my grandmother's house-I couldnt deal with the feeling anymore. There is a part of me that doesnt want to get over this. It almost feels like if I stop hurting I will lose him forever. At least with the pain, it sort of feels like his importance is still with me. I feel scared for the day I am over this and perhaps I will forget what he was like, or forget how he smelled. I dont want to accept that he is gone. I feel like I am in a bad dream and somehow one of these nights I will wake up and he will be back beside me, and life will be different than the cruelty it has delivered. I cannot stop asking 'why why why' does it need to be this way. I mean I always knew his death was inevitable but I guess I never thought about it too long and somehow felt/hoped/wished that it would never happen to him or that we could both leave this life together. Maybe I could find the right chinese formula to give him immortality. I even had dreams about him being cloned and they were never ok. I knew there could only be one of him-one soul, one amazement. Its so hard to be this close to something-its the greatest gift and the worst pain imaginable. I just wish life could be different and the hardest thing about this acceptance is NOTHING I do can ever change this reality. Its the ultimate surrender and the ultimate act of having absolutely no control. If I had a genie in a bottle and I could wish for anything in the world, it would be for my dog to come back. Sometimes I feel like I may not make it without him or I may go insane. Its just so devastating and I do not know what to grab onto. I look at his pictures and this all seems like a joke....like I dreamt it up and he will walk through the door with his big smile and come hug me. Uggghhh....how it hurts. I know this is all crazy-talk but it hurts so much, I just need to get it out. I feel like I could cry all day today. Typically I cry until my head feels like its going to burst from a headache and I have to make myself stop.

As far as Alene, she is a medium and she has connected to my dog on the other side-she has told me so many things that no one would otherwise know. I know she is for real. When I am freaking out so hard and miss my dog so much and just want to talk to him, I have called her a couple times. She is wonderful.

I hope everyone is hanging in there and finding some kind of joy in life. I also hope to someday be able to help other people on this site the way others have advised me. Right now, I am still trying to figure out how to get through this myself. The death of a loved one sure does suck.....and this by far is the worst experience of my life. Its made me afraid and I am unsure how to carry on with myself and make moves forward in the future. God Baden- I just wish I had you back!!!!!! ~Hugs~

Hi Baden's Mama,

Reading your last post brought me close to tears. I was nodding my head whilst reading, pretty much relating to everything you said. Especially when you said: "Its so hard to be this close to something-its the greatest gift and the worst pain imaginable" How true that is! I, too, would give anything to have my baby back. To feel that unique bond again; to feel complete; to feel whole; to feel happy. It is so, so hard, isn't it? Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be truly happy again. Before, no matter what was going on in my life, all I had to do was look at Daisy and I felt complete happiness. When I was with her, everything was right in the world, and nothing else mattered. Now it feels as though nothing is right in the world, and nothing matters.

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I'm sorry any of us have to go through this. I hope your heart finds some peace soon.

Sending you hugs - Cheryl x

Amy,

I agree with Cheryl in that she and I can relate to everything you just wrote. I too am "on the road", down in Los Angeles visiting relatives and friends. Thing is, I feel like I need to get back home, "just in case" I made a mistake and Kota is waiting there for me. I emailed a counselor who is running a pet support loss group but she won't tell me how much it costs, and since I'm just here for a week I could only go one time. Down here in L.A., it seems like everyone is doing things, has lots of money, fancy cars...and me without any of the basic amenities of life, well this evening I was driving along a main boulevard, just to be going somewhere, and I had to pull over and cry. Crying that after 16 years of always bringing Kota down here with me, now it's just me. And I just sat in the car while it got dark out. I kept turning the car engine on and off but really had no idea where to go to. Ended up in a book store, it was so quite in there, and my insides were just screaming. It's now two in the morning, sleep won't come, I want to go home, but feel like there is no home to go back to. I feel like I've just come back from a war, and I'm losing the battle. Does it help you to have Baden's ashes with you. I have a few of Kota's ashes in the car but there is really no place down here that I want to spread them. I did originally get Kota down here in L.A.. I actually tried calling the people whom I got her from, to tell them what a great friend she was to me, but after 17 years, their phone number had changed. Yeah...the missing of them constantly...it's a hard one to deal with. Hope your travels give you some sense of having some sense of something.

Dennis

Cheryl-Thank you so much for your words. That is sooo amazing that a bunny got so close to your heart. I had a bunny when I was very young-somewhere around 6 and I really enjoyed it, as much as a 6 yr old could I guess. I named it 'B' for Bunny (my simple mind) and one day I was so sad to go out to its cage and see it gone with the chicken wire ripped off and a ball of some other animal's hair attached to the wiring. I knew something had gotten it. When I got Baden, I started calling him 'B' and in fact everyone called him B for a certain period of his life. I swore he was the reincarnation of my bunny. Its the soul that lives in an animal that becomes so close to us....it doesnt really matter what the animal is. For a bunny 7 yrs is a long time to live, yet I get so sick of people saying, 'oh your dog lived a good long life.' To me, it will never be long enough. But yes, the emptiness is something that I have never felt before in my life. I am literally just surviving right now....that is all. Its a day by day affair.

Dennis- I feel the same exact way. I am back in NH where Baden actually came from. I have not talked to his birth parents/breeders in 15.5 yrs and was thinking about calling them also. I was also wondering if maybe there were some of Baden's relatives around. Yet, Im planning to move to Hawaii and cannot get into another whole dog extravaganza. I feel like I could only have Baden. A dog seems like too big of a responsibility to me, but Baden was like my left leg-just a part of me that was no extra burden. We had such a deep respect for each other. I got to my parents house today and felt like I was 'tripping on acid'....a serious twilight zone. I have not been here in 9 years and I do not necessarily want to be here. I am trying to stabilize myself and not pay rent or be responsible so I can take the time to heal. I sat in the living room in my 'weirded out' state and imagined Baden walking in and making all of my weirdness go away, as he always did. He was my big grounding influence. Wherever he was I felt safe even if every cell inside me was screaming with terror. I have to say that all those fancy cars, big houses, big-shot jobs blah blah blah you are seeing down in LA dont mean a thing. I experienced that life with an X boyfriend of mine who treated me terribly, whose family had more money than they would ever know what to do with. I learned a lot-about greed, appreciation or lack thereof and how truly miserable most 'things' make people. The truest thing that creates a human being is 'I think' what we are all on this forum for right now. Its the amazing LOVE that we all shared with these special entitities. I know how great that love was/is because of how hard it hurts. I wish it didnt have to hurt, for all of us. And....I also have to say that I am so proud of the men on this forum who cry and who share their emotions. This society has such a way of repressing men and telling them that they have to be 'strong and macho.' I think the 'real men' are the ones who are not afraid to show it. After all, we are all human. For me, it does help to have Baden's ashes with me...a bit. The vet gave it to me in a velvety bag that says something about Rainbow Bridge on it. At first I thought it was cheap that I paid so much and didnt get an urn. But now I like it because I tote it around and sometimes even sleep with his ashes cuddled up beside me. Of course, nothing truly helps but I am trying as many pretend tactics as possible. I think right now, all I am looking for is a sense of something in the midst of this nonsense. I am not sure if I will ever find it again. I think Baden gave me a sense of direction, a sense of life, a sense of love and enlightened my senses. I kind of feel like a body in motion-lacking sustenance, direction, ambition, etc. I am hoping to find it again and have this deep unfilling dissatisfying sense like I wont ever feel that complete again until I actually die and see him again. I felt like I shared a spirit with that dog-if he got sick, I got sick at the same time. I would tell him 'my heart is your heart'. When he became deaf I would point to him and me a few times and say, 'you and me' and he knew we were going to spend the day together or that I was bringing him with me. Even at 15 yrs old he would get up every morning and get ready to rock the day. He never wanted to stay home so he either got to come to my office or more typically go to his favorite doggy daycare.

It is so hard I know. But I think its just meant to be taken day to day. Im trying to be really gentle on myself right now, with few expectations and a lot of time allotted to grieve and try to heal. I wish you all the best and may we all get through these hard times together.

Amy

Its been 6 weeks to the day. I dont even know how I feel besides down. I am out of the shock stage and in full grieving stage. I cry almost daily and if I dont Im fighting back the tears. If I dont let it out, I literally feel like Im choking. Family members are starting to look at me like they dont understand what is wrong, or perhaps why I am still crying, or maybe they choose to not talk about it. The acceptance part is hard. Much of me does not want to accept. Im angry that I have to accept this. It seems unfair. It seems like it shouldnt be a part of life that is true. People tell me Baden is still with me but I crave his physical presence. I want to touch his warmth and his fur and lay my head on him like I always used to. I havent felt much happiness in the past couple weeks. I know I do not even smile once on some days, let alone laugh. Life seems dull and boring and Im trying to find my way. Baden was the best love I ever had and may be the best love I will ever know. It is likely. Its hard to let that go and know that he has transitioned to another form that is so unfamiliar to me. Some days I feel like I will be forever lost without him and its hard to find the drive to keep going. I try to post to others when I can, but if I dont its because Im in so much pain that I fail to have any healing words. I know I need to give this more time. I guess I dont even wish that the pain would stop. When I wish, I am wishing for the impossible and that is to have him back in my life. The reality of all this is not sweet. I hope some of you are finding peace today and perhaps a smile....

I have found some peace today and over the past few days... I just went out to Winston's grave, moved the paving stones and fence and covered his grave and a bit of distance out from it with chicken wire. I then put the stones and fence back, then covered the exposed chicken wire with cut grass until I can get back to Lowes next week and get a few bags of marble chips, which I'll line the outside of his grave with to cover the wire.

I talked to him the whole time I was out there... told him how much I missed his antics, his personality and his companionship. I told him what a good dog he was and how I wish he had not had such a love of running free, but now he's forever free and running.

I had another cry and now I sit at my PC feeling drained but good.

I wish I could tell you, Baden, that your grief is almost at an end. I wish I could come to see you, give you a hug and let you know that no matter what your family and friends think of your grief that there are people out there that understand the depth of your grief and know how badly you're hurting. From the bottom of my heart, I hope you someday can think of Baden and smile, with maybe just a silent tear running down your cheek.

Please keep in touch with us here... you know as well as I do what a Godsend this board is to pet lovers that are hurting.

Thank you for your words. I am so sorry about Winston. Whether it was a few years or many years, its hard on its own level and very heartbreaking. I know it is hard for all of us here and the grief occurs in stages and is different for everyone. I think I have hit the 'reality' stage which I dont remember in the 5 stages of grieving. Im not in acceptance, but out of shock and realizing now that this is real. It has caused more depression. I know this just takes time. Its just hard some days to pull my head up from its low-hanging position and have faith that somewhere out there are dreams, reasons for pursuing this thing called life and a reason for it all. Its all very heavy right now and everyday I am drained from my grieving sessions. I feel like a zombie walking around in my world, just existing, but not necessarily what I would call 'living.' I send a prayer to you and the beautiful resting place that you have created for Winston. It sounds like an amazing memorial spot, dedicated to what a great dog he is...now running free. Im sure he got a wink, a meeting and perhaps a run already with Baden....

~Amy

Amy, I'm sorry you are having a difficult time, all I can say is hang in there and try to think of all the happy memories of Baden. Things go up and down, but know you will get through this. I know right now it doesn't feel that way, but you will smile again, especially when you think of him.

Many hugs,
Sonya

Thanks Sonya! I know you understand as you and Brutus had the true soulmate connection as well. I was looking at Brutus' picture and it even appears that he had the same sort of silver collar/necklace that Baden had. Its so kind of you to continue to offer your words of support to those of us who are new to this grieving process. Its somewhat comforting to know that months down the line I will be a bit more stable (hopefully) as you exemplify.

Its a hard transition...
Hugs back....
Amy

Hi Baden,

I was going to send you a message, but it says your inbox is full and won't accept any more incoming messages. I ho. pe you are doing well, I'm a bit under the weather. I think it's been close to two months since the passing of Baden. I've tried the chatroom but usually no one is there. Maybe I can get your email if you feel like it. Hope you are hanging in there. It's been close to three months now without Kota, still having a rough time. Everyone here has there own pace and time limit for grief.

tahoeden (using yahoo)

I feel everyone's heartbreak immensely. It has only been less than 3 weeks since we had to say goodbye to our kitty Sadie. I have been doing okay, but last night I dreamt about her all night and woke up crying. I still see her everywhere. She was truly a soulmate...I swear we knew what each other was thinking by looking in the other's eyes.

I know what you guys mean about yearning for their physical presence, even though we try to comfort ourselves with the idea that they are always in our hearts. I would do ANYTHING to hold her for even 5 minutes....to scoop her up and bury my face in her belly fur. She loved that and would purr like a Harley. I'm sure most people would think I was crazy, the way I loved on that cat...and she soaked it all up like a sponge.

There are SO many memories...but one of the most touching was how she would always bury her face and "hide" in the crook of my arm as we waited at the vet's office.

I wonder how many people understand the agony of losing a pet soulmate....I know all you guys do, but I think there are a lot of people who have pets and aren't really that attached to them, so when we lose such a close friend and have an awful time with the pain and grief, they don't REALLY understand. Am I making any sense?

thank goodness for places like this. We've all said this for many different reasons, but what on earth did we do before the internet?

HUGS to everyone...

Thank You AngelCareOne! That is so beautiful, sweet and thoughtful. Im still having such a hard time with this. Its been 4 months and I still find myself in shock. I had such a bad day last friday and when I got online and saw this message I felt like I was going to choke...not your fault, Im just still at that place. Its as if Im underwater holding my breath all the time and if I let out the air, the tears will follow. I have changed locations, moved to an island, have a new boyfriend per se, new job, new life and it all just seems surreal. I just wish Baden would come back and I know he is not going to. Sometimes I feel as if I get communication/messages from him but it IS his physical presence I miss. I miss walking with him, having him next to me, hearing him snore, I miss EVERYTHING about him. Its the greatest love and the worst loss I have ever had. No one out here really understands. They dont understand my sadness, my sensitivity to life right now, my overall 'low' outlook. They didnt know my dog and those that did understand it better. But, I think after 4 months people just expect you to be over it by now. Im not over it. I havent moved on and I dont know if I ever will. He will always be my ultimate best friend. Sometimes I feel like a complete zombie just walking through my life. Im going through the motions but underneath I am so broken. Its a heartbreak like no other. To most people they have no idea-because I just fake my way through life. Many people have asked me why I moved out here and when I tell them my dog passed away I barely even get a recognition from most people. Its as if I said 'I got a new job' or something insignificant. I think its one of the worst losses possible in life and people have very little compassion/understanding outside of this site. I have not come to this site very often because talking about it and reading these posts are still so hard for me. I could cry at a dime. For the most part, I have to try not to think about it because I will start crying at work or in public and then 'knowing' that I cant 'think' about my baby makes me even more upset. Its a whirlwind of emotions. Right now, Im again choking back the tears since my roommate is just in the other room and I know most people will just think Im crazy for crying STILL. Its so so very hard. I wish life didnt have to be this way and we could at the very least, in the midst of all the other nonsense going on in this world, have our beloved pets for our lives to love and cherish and help us through. It just seems so unfair!

I wish you all the best everyone! I hope this gets easier on all of us. Thanks for being there.
Hugs,
Amy

Dear Amy

I was happy to see that you posted but so sad for you. You certainly are not 'crazy' and I'm sure that many of us felt just the same at the 4 months stage. Just absolutely lost and heartbroken and yes life seems to be just an 'act. We're just going through the motions. It will get 'better' dear Amy. The hurt never goes completely, thats impossible when we have known such love, but life does feel worthwhile again. Probably even more so because of what we have shared and still share with our fur/feather Angels.
You have lots of things going on right now. New boyfriend, new job, new location, thats a lot for anyone to cope with, but I do hope that everything works out for you. I'm sure it will, but give yourself time and do let yourself cry if you need to. Please don't think that you must hold back. People, if they care about you will understand. They might not know how to deal with it, but try not to worry about that. I cried again yesterday, because my hubby asked me what should he do with my Noushkas Bed (a big pink cushion that she loved to sleep on in our bedroom). Of course I want to keep it, theres no way I can let that go. It's just over a year and yes at times the tears still flow. We kept my Tasha's bed and its all washed up and back in our room and Dear Pixie now sleeps on it. I know thats what Tasha would want, and it makes me feel good to see it being used for a darling new fur baby. It felt strange at first , but now I know its 'right'.
Your dear, precious Baden will want his Mom (Mum as we say here) to enjoy life again. It's so good that you feel his 'spiritual' connection. I think we are both very lucky there, as are many of our friends on here.
Please let us know how you are and maybe something of your new life. I saw in one of your posts that you could be moving to Hawaii. It sounds like a wonderful , magical place to me, here in frosty, cold England. Somewhere I have always wanted to visit....... maybe one day !!
Please know that I am thinking of you and sending a hug for you and your Angel Baden
Love
Jan and my Angels and Pixie xx

Hi Janika-
Thank you for the kind message. Its a rare day when I can bring myself to posting on here it seems. It just triggers so much in me and turns me into a water fountain. Im not one to avoid my pain, but this seems to be a pain like no other and therefore I can only deal with it in small increments. Otherwise, I am afraid I may never get back up again from a fetal position. I did in fact move to Hawaii and am trying to keep myself busy with 2 jobs and also trying to get my own business going. Hawaii is beautiful but I would give it all up to have my dog back. Since his passing, other people's dogs and family members are passing that I know. Its awful to witness, as I know the pain that follows. I think some people deal with it better than others. I am moving forward because I have to but Im not feeling complete at all without my loving dog in my life. I had a meltdown the other day just looking at his pictures, realizing that I do not have my dog's fur/body anymore and that is is now a bag of ash. It seems like a sickening thought.

My car is being sent out to the island and his dog beds are in it and I feel happy yet sick to my stomach about seeing them. I remember his smell and can smell it in my car and on his beds. It will probably be another moment of sadness/breakdown. My brother got in a bad accident the other day-a rollover in his jeep. It rolled 1.5 times but he was okay, thank god. He hit his head and cannot remember how he got out of the car. I was having a dream about my dog at the time, and I was standing in a doorway and he ran by me quickly through the door, and had a playful kick but was clearly on a mission. I then woke up and called my Dad to find out my brother had been in an accident. It makes me wonder if my dog had been running to save my brother, whom he was very close with. I tend to think yes. I remember thinking in the dream, 'oh he isnt really dead.'

I think you are right Janika about what Tasha would want. When I went to my doggy daycare house and hung out with the lady, who I am friends with, I opened Baden's boxes of toys and couldnt give anything up but 2 toys. I noticed the dogs and how much they were enjoying the toys, ripping them apart and running all over. After I had packed everything all back up, I decided to give them all the toys except the very sentimental ones to the dogs. The dogs had a hoe-down and ripped them all apart. My dog LOVED toys...even at 15 yrs old. I know he would have wanted those toys to go to them. I just feel so guilty still. I was going through so much stress during his last few months. He would pick up toys to play and I was so drained that I couldnt play with him. I had no idea he would be leaving my life. It makes me feel terrible, knowing that he probably knew and just wanted to play and I didnt grant him that due to my own stressors/selfishness. I miss him so much and just wish he were here and that we could play together again. There is such a hole in my heart. There was no way I could even stayin my old apartment anymore....the pain is intense here but it would have been worse there. Im sorry I do not have much to contribute to the site lately, Im just trying to survive and get by myself. I am thinking about everyone though and I send my hugs, love and blessings to you all. I know this is so hard on all of us.

Thank You,
Amy

Hi Amy,

My eyes filled with tears while reading your posts. I can feel your pain and I wish so badly that there was something I could say or do to make it all go away. I wish I had a magic wand that I could wave to heal all our hearts. But unfortunately, there is nothing I can say or do, and I don't have a magic wand. All I CAN do is offer you my sympathy and understanding -- a cyber shoulder to cry on, and a cyber hand to hold. I hope you find some healing soon, and I hope you know that your handsome Baden is watching over you right now, and surrounding you with love.

Thinking of you,
Cheryl xx

Hi Friends,
I can barely find the words to speak. Its been 7 months. Im still not through this. I dont know how to move through this, accept this or even try to move on. I just feel like Im triggered all the time, and trying to find a new will to live. I think some people on this forum have husbands, wives and families to live for. I feel like I have nothing. I went through a catastrophic break-up right before my dog died...then he died and I was beyond devastated. I moved to a whole new place, instantly found a guy who sort of caught me while I was falling. I didnt want to be involved. I got pushed into that place. I have now lived here for 5 months and that relationship has come to an end, and he was again very unhealthy for me-degrading, cutting comments with an unknown future with this guy. I just feel totally empty. When I look back at all the failed relationships and the one little guy who totally loved me and was by my side unconditionally, who is no longer here, I feel like jumping off my balcony. Life just seems so unfair and I have no interest in anything anymore. This most recent break-up was the final blow to my already fragile self. Im not sure what to do, where to turn or how to get myself back up. I feel like I need to go to a rehab and get filled up again and learn how to cope and deal with life's problems, but I have no money to do such a thing. I guess Im just reaching out because I have no idea what to do and how to get through this like a normal person. feel like I cannot handle anymore loss, I have had so much and its just killing me.
Thank You,
Baden's Mom

Amy,

Cool picture of Baden. I felt like coming here, as you know, it's my last night here at the house where Kota and I last lived. I too am feeling so heavy and sad. Stay away from the balcony...whenever you fall, Baden's love will be there to catch you.

Dennis