Last Thursday, 6/17, I was on my way home from work, singing and bopping in my car and thinking about how I was going to be goofy and dance for my dog and cat when I got home. But I got home and Kitty didn't meet me at the door. I feel like I knew at that moment. He has met me at the door every single day for the past 6, nearly 7, years.

I called him, and then ran upstairs and looked at his bed and it was empty. I went into the bathroom (where his litter box is) and thought I could see something through the pebbled glass door of the stand up shower. And it was him. I yelled at him because I was scared, and when I touched him he was obviously gone. I just started screaming and ran downstairs and called my mom. She came right over and we took him to the vet.

He seemed fine the previous day. He ate dinner like normal, slept in his bed next to my bed like normal. He had come to me seeking affection while I was laying in bed reading that night. And I pushed him away because I was trying to read. And I will never get over that guilt. What if he was trying to tell me something? What if he knew he was dying and I didn't pet him one last time? And the weird part is that just the night before his death I had been thinking about how old my dog and cat were and was adding up how much longer I had with them. I was thinking that 5 years was a safe bet, and it really bothered me because I then thought, "5 years isn't long enough! What am I going to do?" And immediately after THAT thought, I was thinking that I should take them both in for check-ups at the vet because my side job had been going good and I had extra money. Little did I know it wouldn't be 5 years. It would be one day. Did those thoughts come to me as a premonition?

Besides that, I'm wracked with guilt that his death was due to something I did or could've prevented. One of them (my dog Magic, or Kitty) had had diarrhea in the living room on Wednesday night. I just assumed it was Magic since Kitty uses a litter box. And Kitty sat next to me and watched while I cleaned it up. What if it was his last ditch effort at telling me something was wrong? I had noticed a few days before that Kitty has gone to the bathroom right outside of his litter box, and I thought it was because he was telling me he wanted his litter box cleaned. And it seems like he was cleaning under his tail a lot in hindsight. Now all of these things are coming back to me and they seem like signs that I ignored. I should've taken him to the vet.

After he passed, I asked my vet to do a necropsy (they said the word autopsy is only applied to humans) and he warned me that they may never find any cause. He called me the next day with the results and said that Kitty looked perfect. His organs were fine, they didn't find a blood clot in his heart, and his stomach and intestines had no blockages or signs of poison. I don't believe my vet that he even did the necropsy. How could they not find anything?? The vet said that it was likely an underlying heart condition that killed him. He was only 6.

I took for granted that he would always be there. I took for granted that he always WAS there. And I feel like there was more I could've done, and more time I should've spent with him. I hope he knows how dearly I love him and miss him. I'm like a zombie. I'm having trouble walking. My voice doesn't sound like my own. My grief feels so heavy that it's pushing on my lungs and I can't get a deep breath. I've hyperventilated a couple times in the past few days. I'm having trouble sleeping. I can't stop crying.

No one understands why I'm this upset, and no one is respectful of my grief. I'm glad I found you guys because I need to know that there are other people out there who don't just consider their pets as pets. I am 30 and have no plans of having children. THESE are my children. And I've lost a child and no one understands my loss.

Thank you for reading. I am just in utter shock.

Sincerely,
Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I am so sorry for your great loss and the shock of losing your beloved Kitty so suddenly. I know how deep your grief is and how completely heartsick you are. You are so right - to most of us, our pets are our children, and losing one is just devastating - and many people simply don't get that.

I lost my dear child, Abbey, a beautiful golden retriever, over a year ago, and I still come to tears easily as I grapple with the huge void she's left behind. I loved and appreciated every single day I had with her over the 9 years, and I too, always wondered in more recent years how much more time we'd have together. I wondered if I had these thoughts b/c she was sending me messages that something was going awry. She died much earlier that I ever thought. She seemed so young, happy, and exhuberant until suddenly the cancer symptoms started to appear. Then, 4 months later, she's gone like the blink of an eye. I have much guilt as well, b/c no one is ever prepared when life deals us these hugely unfortunate situations.

Remember that we are only human, and we always try and do the best we can in each moment, and that's all we can ever do. We can not torture oursleves with guilt based on retrospect. Our pets knew/know we love them completely and unconditionally, and they us. They want us to remember only the joy they brought to our lives. It would crush them deeply to know they've in any way caused us pain. That thought has helped me tremendously to focus on the joy that Abbey has brought, and try to let go of the pain -- a long process no doubt.

As tough as it was to lose my Abbey, I know it's even tougher when you do not have any time to prepare for the loss, when you do not have a chance to say goodbye, or even adjust to the idea. I am glad you found this site, which has been a sanctuary to all of us trying to come to terms with our losses and trudge through the grieving process. We all know for sure how deep the loss of a pet cuts through us. The great support here, and ability to share stories, is incredibly helpful toward healing.

Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. May warm memories of your precious Kitty comfort you at this sad time.

~Cyndi

Thank you so much Cyndi. I hope I'll be able to offer as kind of words as you just have when my grief isn't quite as fresh. I'm so sorry to hear about Abbey. And I hate to hear that you are still hurting a year on, though I totally understand.

I don't want to be upsetting Kitty by making him feel bad that he had to go.

"Remember that we are only human, and we always try and do the best we can in each moment, and that's all we can ever do."

That struck me, and I hope to remember it in the coming days. I always did what I thought was right.. I didn't neglect him or purposefully kill him. And he knows that.

I may never have answers or come to terms with that side of my guilt, but I don't know that they would help much anyway.

I'm single and live alone, and have only had Kitty and Magic to rely upon for the past 6 years. It's been them and me against the world. And now one of us is gone, and it just doesn't work. And I don't know what I'm going to do.

I hope Magic is ok. I have been paying extra attention to him. He and Kitty were best friends and were always curled up together. It made me feel better about having to leave for work everyday, knowing that they had each other.


This is Magic and Kitty in their usual pose.

Rachel,

They say the amount of grief we feel is equal to the love that we felt. The fact that you are hurting so intensly is proof of how much you loved your precious Kitty. Please don't doubt if he knew you loved him - he did know, animals have a special way of knowing these things. Feeling guilt is normal, but please try not to dwell on these feelings. You couldn't have known at the time that anything was wrong; looking back you might think you are seeing signs; but it's only because you are looking so hard. Besides it's so hard for us to see signs that something is wrong with our babies, because we just can't bear to accept or think about it. Please try not to blame yourself so much. I know you want answers so very badly; but maybe there aren't any. Maybe it was just his time to go.

I want you to know how very sorry I am for your loss. I know all too well the pain you are going through right now. We all do. The lovely people on this forum who give their hearts so completely to their furbabies understand. We know about the feeling of having your insides ripped out, the empitiness, the loneliness, the fact that it hurts to even breathe. But just keep breathing. Allow yourself to grieve... cry if you need to, scream if you need to. Your pain is still so very raw at the moment, but you will slowly start to heal. I'm not saying it will go away completely... but it will be different.

Take care of yourself and keep posting. I am here for you. We all are.

Hugs -- Cheryl xx

Thank you Cheryl. Your post made me cry. I never could've imagined it would be this hard. I take comfort from everyone's words, and knowing that there are others that love their animals as much as I do. And our babies aren't alone, that's for sure. They've probably all ganged up together.

Dear Rachel,
I am so sorry for your loss. It is hard to find people who understand....I couldn't have children and yes, BooBear was my child as much as was possible. The people who do understand are here. It has been a few days shy of two months and it still hurts so much. I will keep you in my prayers. Tina

Thank you Tina. It IS so hard to find people that understand. I'm angry at my friends for not understanding. I guess it's not their fault, but they could at least give me an ear.

I'm so sorry about BooBear.. It's just heartbreaking.. So much grief here. I'm torn because I want to read people's stories and offer some comfort, but at the same time, it is so hard seeing and feeling so many people going through this.

I really appreciate you, and everyone here, taking time from your own grief to reach out to me. I'll stick around to return the favor when I can.

Hi Rachel,
I am so sorry about your incredible loss. My dog Cleo was only 9 when she passed and she ended up having a disease that we had NO idea about, and to this day have no idea how she got it. Cleo wasn't acting too weird either, but we were about to leave for vacation when I told my husband that she was very lethargic and we should just get her checked especially since it was the time for her yearly check up. She was diagnosed with IMHA that day and ended up passing 3 months later. The reason I am telling you this is because your kitty could have been completely healthy and not really having too many underlying issues which wouldn't lead you to think that something was wrong with him. The guilt consumes us all, but you have know that it's nothing you did, or didn't do, that lead to what happened to him. I completely understand you wanting to know WHY and I still to this day ask that question.

It's plainly obvious to see how much you loved him. I have a daughter named Izzy and a baby on the way and let me tell you that Cleo was just as much of a "daughter" to me as my children are to me. The fact that you feel this way about your animal is just proof to me that you gave your kitty the best life possible and loved him with all your heart. What helps me get through the day is knowing how lucky I was to have known Cleo and to know the many blessings she brought to my life, even though her life was cut short. You too need to put your foucs on knowing that as well. You were a great momma and you still are because of your intense grief and sense of loss and trust me, your kitty knows it and feels your love. There are very few in this life who experience such a strong bond with our pets, hence the reason why so many don't understand how painful it is when they pass, especially so suddenly. Again, this is where you need to count your blessings knowing that you were one of the fortunate ones to have had that connection with your pet.

I hope you can find some kind of comfort today. I know how incredibly hard it is, but don't dwell on the what-ifs, but rather celebrate the wonderful memories.

Much love,
Christine

Thank you Christine.. I read your thread about Cleo and it made me cry. I guess I'll continue doing a lot of that in the coming days. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way too. It really brings to life the cliche of "I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy."

I really am thankful for the time I had with him, even when he was tearing down my curtains, putting holes in my screens, killing my houseplants and throwing up on the carpet. He was the sweetest wildest kitten who matured into the sweetest slightly less wild cat. So affectionate and such a joy and comfort to me through a lot of hard years. Thank you for reminding me of that. I wish I could just fast forward to a time when I will be able to smile at the memories instead of them killing me though.

I am getting ready to go home from work.. That's one of the hardest parts. No Kitty meeting me at the door. No Kitty to feed and cuddle and talk to. No Kitty to just BE there. He was never in a different room than I was, so even when we weren't interacting, he was always there.

I'm thankful my dog is still around to share this with me. I'll be taking him for a long walk when I get home, though I don't have much energy. But he (and I) need a distraction and some extra attention.

I hope everyone will be ok this evening. I'll check back in tomorrow.

xoxo,
Rachel

Hi, Rachel, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your precious Kitty. I do so know how you're feeling. Within a 39 month time frame I also lost two 6 year old kitties who joined the angels due to cancers. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. And it doesn't matter if its our first loss experience or our hundredth - - the pain of loss is unbearable, particularly in the early deep grief.

Clinical professionals now recognize that the loss of a beloved companion is as devastating as losing a human family member or friend. Unfortunately our society in general does not understand that the grieving process is the same, and sadly even those who are closest to us are not always as empathetic to the grief we are feeling which is both emotionally and physically painful.

As difficult as it is to accept your vet could be very right with the results of the necropsy (autopsy and necropsy are the SAME procedure). These same results also sometimes happen with human autopsies. "Unknown Causes" is always hard to understand - - even with all the scientific and medical technology at the disposal of the veterinary practictioners. When we are deep in grief we want to know "Why", and sometimes there just isn't a conclusive answer.

The questions "Why", "why didn't I', "why did I", "I should have", I shouldn't have", and so on are all a part of the grieving process. It's part of the struggle to reconcile the reality that our beloved companions are no longer physically with us.

Rachel, our lives are changed for the better when our precious furkids come into our lives, and when they leave us to join the angels it feels like we die with them. During their lives with us they give to us their unconditional love and undivided attention, and we in turn surrender ourselves to them without reservation. And this is one of the many reasons why it is so painful - - both physically and emotionally - - when they are no longer physically with us because they do take the better part of us with them - - the part of our hearts and lives that belonged only to them.

Rachel, this grief journey is one of the most difficult experiences we will have on this side of eternity, but it is one that you will not walk alone. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Rachel, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Rachel,

I am so terribly sorry that you lost your Kitty. Especially at such a young age. I hope you won't dwell on the guilt feelings or think that you missed something. Kitty's behavior sounds like normal cat behavior to me. Sometimes these things just happen. Your vet could be right and there could have been an underlying heart condition. That happens with people too sometimes. I can tell by your words how very much you love your babies and what a wonderful mom you are.

The pictures of Kitty and Magic are so adorable. They are just beautiful. I just lost my heart dog, Chico on June 16 to CHF. He has a sister, a cat named Betty who is 14. They never, ever cuddled together! Chico loved her and I'm sure she did him too in her own way, but all they did together was fight and chase each other around the house. It's so sweet to see yours so loving together.

I certainly know how you feel about going home. It is just heartbreaking to walk through that door and not see my pup smiling and wagging his tail, so happy to see me. Today is one week and it is still unbearable. I am so sorry that you are going through this too. Maybe Kitty and Chico have met at the Bridge and Kitty will allow him to cuddle with him. Chico would love that.

I will keep you in my prayers, Rachel. Take care of yourself. Let us know how you are doing.

Berta

Rachel,
I am so sorry for the loss of Kitty. I know the pain you are going through I also lost my Lexa two weeks ago unexpectedly she was 6 and a half years old.
Everyone here has been very nice and understanding. The pictures of Kitty and Magic together are so sweet. Know you are in my thoughts.

Michelle

Rachel,

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. It's such a painful experience and the guilt can be overwhelming and add such pain to an already crushing loss. This community has been such a source of strength for me. I honestly don't know how I would have gotten even this far without the caring souls that even in their grief have extended their love and sympathy. Thank you for your own post on my thread regarding the loss of Gabby. I haven't been on the forums in the last few days. I just couldn't bring myself to read about Gabby.

Please don't blame yourself for anything. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Guilt can be so incredibly debilitating. I've felt it so much lately. The questions you asked yourself sound like my own inner monologue. Maybe I could've done more. Or I could've done things differently. I shouldn't have let her suffer for so long. The guilt can have us second guessing ourselves until we become physically ill. Our rational minds simply shut down and our hearts take over. Kitty knew how much you loved her. Please don't beat yourself up.

It can be doubly tough losing a pet since so many others may express sympathy but can't understand why it's affecting us so deeply. My wife and I don't have kids. Gabby was one of our children. Our attachment to our little furry loved ones is no less important than the bonds we have with our human family. What makes it so much harder is that so few people actually get it. They downplay our loss. "It's just a cat," they say. "You can get another one." Clearly these aren't the people we need to turn to.

Be strong. Let the happy memories sustain you. I hope that you continue to post on the forum and find strength here. So many amazing people, hurting so much, but so giving of themselves.

Thank you again for your kind words regarding Gabby. You are in my thoughts.

Be well,

John

Rachel,

I'm sorry for your loss of your kitty. There are several of us who understand how hard it is to be single and lose our pets. We just have to take one day at a time. It is good that you are giving your doggy extra attention at this time. This is the place for support and to be able to express how you feel.

Karen -mishasmom

Rachel,

I read every post replying to the lost of your Kitty. Everyone is so right on with their sincerity, understanding of what you are going thru, acceptance of however you need to be, and caring about how much you are hurting. It is such an unbearable loss, oftentimes without any seeming comfort about. Please write here whenever you need too, whatever you need to, and express your feelings with any words you want. It's such a devastating shame that she passed so young. Like someone else said, the "why's" may never be answered. But knowing there are people like you who treated their loved one as a child, shows your humanness and sensitivity. How lucky and fortunate that you both found each other on this earth. I know you hurt and when the "missing them" comes upon you, it can be suffocating and unending. I'm glad you still have Magic, who is probably grieving in his own way. I lost my dog, Kota (of almost 17 years) seven weeks ago, and it still feels like my leg has been cut off, is still bleeding, but feels like it's still there. I wish for you some peace of mind in knowing that you loved Kitty as much as any lover there could ever be. Thinking of you in your time of sorrow.

Dennis

Hi Rachel,
I can definitely understand the feeling of loss especially at home or when doing things that remind you of him. Every day I pass by the reservoir by our house I immediately think about Cleo loving to go swimming there. I still open the door slowly when I get home from work thinking she's behind the door to anxiously greet me. I find myself in the dog food aisle reaching for her treats sometimes. It's all so weird that I still do that and I know you will be catching yourself doing that for a long time. It IS very painful. Everywhere you look it reminds you of your kitty. It will take time and time will start to heal this pain and even turn those memories into the happiest of times for you.

When Cleo passed, all I wanted to do is hold her and tell her how much she meant to me. Someone here told me to talk to her. That she is still listening to me. So that is what I do to this day. Even through tears and heartache, I allow her to know that I am thinking of her, that I miss her and that I wish she were here. Allow yourself to talk to your kitty and let him know all the things you are feeling. He is listening and will be waiting, along with all our other babies, for you!

-Christine

I agree with Christine. It DOES help to talk to your baby as if they were still here. Because I'm sure they are still here - there have been too many signs for me not to believe this. I have a pillow with Daisy's image on it that my finance got me as a gift. It's a lifesize image. After she died, I put the pillow on my bed, so it's the last thing I see of a night, and the first thing I see in the morning. I say "night baby, love you" everynight. I speak to her in my 'baby voice' that was only for her. Just hearing that tone of voice again helps me feel like she is still here.

So, try it. I hope it helps.

Thinking of you. Cheryl x