My precious little baby: a sixteen year old Shih Tzu named Holly. She was born in October of 1993 and we got her December of the same year. She was so tiny: standard color, the runt of the litter. I was six years old.

My sister and I took turns sleeping with her every night until, one day, my sister lost interest because of the new cat. Holly slept with me most nights from then on and, just before we moved in 2000, it became permanent.

Initially she was my mom's dog, but somewhere along the way she became mine. She went everywhere with me. Car rides, stores, parties, walks, everywhere except where she wasn't allowed. I never got to bring her to school with me, although I promised her I would when I got into college. I never got to keep that promise.

The beginning of this year was rough for her. She started getting sick so, desperate, I took her to the vet where they gave her a few one-two shots and she was fine again. The second month it became on and off and we switched vets because, as she got older we knew she was going to go soon and our old vet wanted us to leave her overnight. I expressed that I did not want her to be left overnight because if it was her time I wanted her to die at home where she was happy and comfortable.

She developed pancreatitis late April and we nursed her through it. She was fine for about a month until Wednesday of this week. My parents left on vacation on Monday so I'm alone watching the house. I stayed behind because Holly was too old to travel and I wanted to stay with her. The summer started out rough for me, as well. Between crashing my car, failing a course, failing to nurse a baby finch back to health and Holly's constant illness I've been stretched far too thin. I don't handle stress well to begin with, so I haven't taken the time to relax at all this summer.

Wednesday she took a turn for the worse. She vomited, had diarrhea and, while part of me knew it was time, I denied it, gave her a quarter of a chewable Pepto Bismol, fed her a little, gave her water, and went to bed with her. The next day she was worse. She vomited blood and had bloody diarrhea. She was lethargic, but she insisted on staying in my lap or on something that smelled like me. She wouldn't eat or drink and I knew that it was coming. So, last night I stayed up the entire night, talking to her and petting her, trying to ready myself for the inevitable, sure she was going to take her last breath at home where she was safe and happy.

Sadly, this morning I knew I had to take her to the vet. She wasn't in pain, but she was sick and suffering. I had to suck it up and get her to the vet. He was in surgery, but he took care of her right after, even though I was a walk-in. He diagnosed her with kidney, liver, and pancreas failure and she was bleeding in her stomach. I called my mom who told me not to cry and she arranged to have Holly put down.

At one-fifteen I arrived at the vet to have my baby trying to jump into my arms. I held her and stayed with her while the drugs were administered and at one-thirty she took her last breath and seemed to just fall asleep in my arms. I kept telling her how much I loved her, but it didn't feel like enough. I don't know if she knew or understood why I was doing what I was doing, and I still think it's my fault and that I should have done something more for her. I stayed with her for about an hour after he pronounced her dead and just pet her. I couldn't stand letting her go.

She's going to be cremated and I'm getting her ashes. I'm somewhat religious, but I'm terrified of death and I hate that I sent her to face it practically alone, even though she was in my arms when she passed. I don't have any shoulders to cry on because no one's here, but I need some kind of support. I guess I need someone to tell me it's okay and that I didn't hurt her and that she forgives me for making her suffer those last few days. She's my precious baby and I can't imagine what life will be without her.

By the way ... is it overly strange of me to be seeking out where my baby slept so that I can smell her? It's almost like ... I need it ... it calms me down when I can smell her ... I haven't asked anyone because I don't know if I should be concerned or if I'm just so distraught I want to feed the denial part of my mind.

Dear MissingHolly,

First let me say that the picture of Holly shows how special she was. I'm sure that others on this forum, once they read your heartbreaking post, will write to you and agree with some of the things I have to say. Most importantly is that you did the most courageous and humane act of pure love for Holly, by putting her down. I put down my dog, Kota (also 16 years old) last month, and I remember all too well the "twilight zone" feeling your in when holding your loved when for the last time. I too had her cremated and have been sprinkling her ashes at various places where we would hike or swim everyday.

I can't believe that your mom told you not to cry. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your parents, but putting it plainly, your mom was way off her rocker by telling you that. The way you described Holly, and all you did taking care of her, especially during her sickness, is incredible. I'm gonna leave religion out of this...after Kota passed I lost faith in what is out there, if there is a doggie heaven or what. I do talk to her everyday and cry and touch her pictures and tell her how much I still love her. And YES, Holly completely knew how much you loved her, and at the moment of her passing, your love was your final gift to her, putting her out of her pain. A lot of people wait way to long to put their pets too sleep. My dog was still eating and sniffing, and I even took her to do her favorite thing, swimming, on her last day. But the vet said that with her severe arthritis, she was probably hurting pretty bad. And it sounds like Holly was hurting too, from all the symptoms you described.

Plus, being alone ( and I live alone too), in your house, can be suffocating. How can you not cry after losing something so pure and connected to you. Cry, sob, wail, yell, hit your pillows, let the tears out of your eyes and the snought run out of your nose. There is nothing as devastating as what you are going through. Call some friends and let them know what happenned, and just cry over the phone, nothing needs to be said if you don't feel like talking. It's brave of you to come here and write after what you have just suffered today.

There is a chat room here. Go to the top of this page and click on "Go To Main LS Website". Then on the left of the page you'll see a column of different places. Click on "Chat". Then you just type in "MissingHolly" where it says to type your name. I've heard that late at night, people who live in other countries and time zones, get in the chat room. Keep writing here, as much as you want. Please call a friend, maybe someone can come over and just be with you, in this time of pain. Once again, Holly was lucky to have you and I'm sure that she is grateful for your decision to take her out of her pain and sickness. You did all the right things. It just hurts to hurt.

Dennis

Thanks for the reply. I needed that.

My relationship with my parents is actually very loving. As the baby of the family I am quite spoiled in some regards, although I'm trying to break my habits. Apparently I cry too much as my dad gets aggravated whenever I get upset or if something happens because it means I'll sob and wail and be miserable for days. I know my mom wants me to be happy so I can get to work in the morning and keep my job (I need it since I have to buy a new car and pay for the remainder of college), but it hurts me more when she tells me to stop crying. I can't help it ... especially now. Holly was my best friend and she went through so much with me. I'm having her ashes made into a necklace so she can walk me down the aisle when I finally get married, see me graduate and be there for my children like I wanted her to be.

dear missing holly, i am so very sorry for your loss. i know the pain that you are feeling and the horrible emptiness that you feel inside. holly was so beautiful and you were both so blessed to have each other. you were very lucky to have her for 16 years. my last kitty passed away at 14. you did nothing wrong and there is absolutely no reason to feel bad or guilty. what you did you did out of love. you sacrificed your feelings because you loved her that much. you took away her pain and her suffering and she went to sleep knowing this. she doesnt have anything to forgive you for for all of our wonderful furkids are just love, 100% love. she left knowing how much you loved her and if she could talk, would have told you how much she loved you too. for me, i became more spiritual and began to believe in a higher being after the loss of my fred 1 1/2 years ago. i needed to believe that i would one day be reunited with him and that i would be able to hold him again. i would like to say to you that holly is ok now. whatever you believe, she is no longer in pain. she did not die alone, she was in the arms of her person that loved her the most.
its ok to cry, its ok to scream and cry some more. i remember crying so much my eyes were swollen shut. i remember screaming so loudly into my pillow. you need to get your sorrow out. im so sorry you are alone right now, but i am sending you big big hugs. you are not alone. keep posting even amongst your tears because on the others side are a lot of people that care. weve been where you are and we just want to help you get thru this really difficult times
you are in my thoughts and prayers.
patricia

Hi MissingHolly
I am so sorry for your loss. Your precious little girl was adorable. I know you feel all alone but remember she is with you even if you dont have her physical presence. We are all here to talk to. And no you did nothing to hurt her you did everything to help her and keep her from suffering. You sound like a very special person and devoted yourself to your little girl. Please know if you need a shoulder to cry on you have alot of those here. I will be thinking of you and Holly. Your parents should be very proud of you specially to have stayed home with Holly.

Hugs
xo
Anna and my Angels

Dear Missing Holly

First let me say how sorry I am for the loss of your precious Holly. What a little darling she looks in her photos.
You have been very brave for her and looked after her and made sure that she won't suffer, bless her dear soul.
Writing your story on here is a wonderful tribute to her, and also sharing her photos, thankyou for that.
I think what your mum said is something us 'mums' say automatically when our children are upset, the words probably just came out with her distress, for both you and Holly. I 've said it myself , when I've known that it was a futile and stupid thing to say, just us mums trying to be over protective. I'm sure she'll cry with you when she returns. If the tears come, let them flow, feel all that you have to feel, don't hold back your emotions. You seem to be a very sensitive and caring person and the things you are saying and doing are only natural. I know I did exactly the same. I couldn't wash Nouskas blankets or bed, or put away her food and water bowl for ages. Wouldn't even vacuum her hair away. It's been the same with everyone of my Angel dogs and there have been many. However much the sadness hurts when they move on and leave us, I would not have been without any one of them, ever, so much so that 6 months down the road I have rescued another.
Your Holly will be watching over you and will always be with you, in your heart and soul. Watch out for signs no matter how small they may seem, that she is letting you know that she's forever by your side. Many of us here have had all sorts of signs, and in my mind there is no doubt. My 'signs' are real, and they give me so much comfort.
16 years is a wonderful age for your Holly to reach, just shows how much she's loved and cared for. So sad that our fur babies can't stay with us physically for longer, and have to leave us at all, it just hurts so much, I know.
Please know that I am thinking of you and your Angel Holly.
Hugs Jan and my Angels and Pixie xx

What an amazing and beautiful young woman you are and Holly was one lucky dog to have had a carer like you. She was a real cutie and she looks so happy and loved in her photos. It is ok to cry, crying is a part of grieving and grieving is a part of life. You certainly did everything humanly possible to keep Holly going and you gave her your all, it is a lot for a person to go through, expecially as you are so young and had to do this alone. You have my sympathy and great admiration, I know how it feels to lose a sould mate like you just have, it hurts beyond belief. By the way, it's not "odd" by any means to want to be near Holly's blankets and take in her smell and remember her very being. I used to bury my nose in my horses coats as I groomed them and I can still remember each respective smell they all had, even to this day, I can still recall what each one of them smelled like. Oh I don't tell many people that one, only people on this forum would understand how it's not nuts to be so close to an animal. I send my prayers and hugs to you xx

madi