Well it's been just over a week since my Midnight passed. I can't believe I wasn't awake when she was still alive just a short time before I got up. My son saw her at about 4:30 AM. I got up at 8:15 and just thought she was sleeping. I went to make my coffee, had it and then went to her. Once in a while she slept so no big deal. She was old, no need to jump around to greet me like she usually did in the past. So after a week of crying, crying, crying...to exhaustion...I now have awoken at about 5 am for a week. I am sorry Midnight, I wasn't there to comfort you. You looked thoughtful when I found you. I still wonder what you were thinking about when I walked over to you laying on your blankie waiting for me

You were born on March 13, 1995 at midnight, ergo your name. I had the honor of witnessing your birth at home. We found your mother wandering the neighborhood for months before we took you all in. We found her sitting about a block away so patiently in front of a home but never going in. We figured your mama, Kelly, was pregnant after a while after we finally coaxed her into our home. Proud Kelly, knowing she had another home and they not wanting her probably after finding out she was pregnant. How cruel. I couldn't believe it. We didn't plan on you and 6 brothers and sister coming into our lives. We made the commitment to Kelly and them,raised all of you and we happy when your brothers and sisters were adopted. I don't know why noone wanted you, but how could I give you away? So you and Kelly stayed and became a wonderful part of our family. Kelly passed away 3 years ago about this time at age 13 and I know how you cried when they took her away one last time. But you became as your mom before you a most protective, loving and funny girl...I will miss you guys forever. You were born in this home, and you died here, guess it can't get much better for a dog, but no matter how they go, it's horrible. Sorry for this being long, but needed to share. Thanks

Dihann, thank you for your story. It wasn't too long, don't worry. I'm sorry about Midnight. Your letter is very touching. I think it's great that she was born there as well. Not many people can say that. I know you wish you were there with her in her last moments but it sounds like it was peaceful. And there is no better way. I'm truly convinced of that after losing 2 recently and getting ready to lose another. You didn't have to make that awful decision for her or watch her wither away. I know it doesn't comfort you at all right now. And I'm so sorry. It sounds like she and her mom had a wonderful beyond wonderful life with you. They lived really long lives and only because of you.
I hope you will get some peace soon. I know you miss her and it will be hard getting used to her not being there. Please let us know how you're doing.
-Donna

Dear Donna


I don't know how to reply in this forum so please forgive me if this ends up in some crazy way or not at all. Thank you for your kind words, they are just what I needed to hear. Maybe not being there when she died was a blessing in disguise. I would of probably freaked out and scared her, dragging her to the vet, where she hated to go. It ended as it should.

To so thoughtfully reply and help me, when you are going through your own personal hell is beyond me. I am so sorry you recently lost 2 and are losing another one. OMG, how much can one take? I don't know what the circumstances are but I pray God give you peace and comfort through this, and that it will be as peaceful and easy as can possibly be. Thank you again for reaching out to me....you don't know how much that means. *Hugs and Tears*

Dihann

Dear Dihann--

Often, I find it helps to try to comfort others when we are in need of comfort ourselves. I'm so, so sorry for your loss of Midnight. I know how you feel too--I've lost two dogs today, my magnificent Ladywolf, and my rescue dog, Sweet Pea, who went to live with my neighbor Dewey. Sweet Pea was put to sleep around noon and Ladywolf died at five...

I lost my other dog, Poppers, six months ago. With both Poppers and Ladywolf, I wasn't there at the exact moment that they died. I had been up all night with Poppers, and finally decided to try to catch a nap, and she died while I was sleeping. This afternoon, I was out on the front porch when Ladywolf took her last breath. It took me a few minutes to realize that I couldn't hear her breathing anymore...

They say that more people die alone in hospitals during the wee hours of the morning than die when people are visiting them. The theory is that it is just so hard to leave loved ones that the dying person or animal waits until the loved ones aren't there to let go. I believe this is true.

Your tale is a great love story, and you should not feel guilty for ANYTHING. You obviously did everything right, and Midnight knows it.

Peace and blessings to and from our fur-angels!

Margi and Ladywolf's and Sweet Pea's spirits

Dihann,

I was chatting briefly with you today when I got called away. When I got back both you and Ladywolf were gone. I read your post. Sorry I missed it before. What a wonderful start to a life together. I mentioned that I too had another dog, 30 years ago, with whom I helped her give birth to another wonderful companion for me and the mother dog. Unfortunately, he had cancer and died by the age of 7. I lost my sweet little girl, Kota, one month ago. I too can picture the moment I got her and am able to relive the history of our 16 years together. Being single, she was my main love. The hurt is still as intense as it was the day she passed. I cared for her daily for the last 1-1/2 years, not even working so I could be with her daily.

Midnight chose you, thru the vehicle of her mother, whom you so unselfishly took in that night. I think it was a blessing she passed at home, while you were sleeping or having your coffee. She trusted it was her home and chose to spend her last moments there. Going to the vet to euthanize one's pet, is not a pleasant experience. What did you do with Midnight's body? I myself hate the bouts of intense sobbing and crying as they seem endless, yet it is the ONLY way to get through the process and grief, not just to get over it. We don't ever get over it. I don't know when the pain lessens. Others here have found relief within a month, several months, years. The problem with waiting for the grief to subside, is that the more the time goes by, the more our loved one becomes a memory. But memory's are in our mind, the remaining love is in every cell of our body. Wherever Midnight is, maybe doggie heaven, it can't compare to the paradise you gave him on this earth. I know how fresh the loss still is for you and your family.

Shame is defined as "I am a mistake". Guilt is defined as "I made a mistake." You have no shame nor should be guilty. Of many of the stories I've read here, you made no mistakes in judgement, decisions, or choices for Midnight, during and at the end of his life. You can feel honored that the both of you had a reciprocal love for each other, and a life that most dog's on this earth don't even come close to having. Cry, sob, cuss, obsess, bawl, hold a pillow to your stomach, and cry somemore. I and other's here know exactly the pain and grief you are in. I hope one day you find solace and the feeling of a great accomplishment that you were with Midnight from the moment he entered this life until his final breath. There is no harder loss, at least for me. My life has changed irrevocably since Kota passed. Some friends say, "Oh, now you are free to travel or do whatever you want." All I want is to see my Kota again. I now find little joy in things. I picture her everywhere. I don't feel complete when I'm around others and often feel I'm burdening them. We aren't a burden but now carry a large burden, in the form of our grief for our lost love. I want you to know that I am thinking of you and Midnight and asking you not to beat yourself up for how his life ended. It ended being at home with those he loved and whom loved him. Peace to Midnight on his continuing journey.

Dennis

Hi Dihann, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your darling Midnight. I read your story and it touched my heart at the way you took dear Kelly in and cared for her and her babies like you did, I just love people like you. We don't always get to be with our loved ones when they pass and that is so sad, but Midnight was in her home, on her blanket and among the people she loved and who loved her and that must have been so peaceful for her. Unfortunately, because of the intense love we have for our pets, us humans can't let go so easily and I have the deepest sympathy for you because I know exactly how you are feeling right now. I totally hit rock bottom when I lost Ulriich, he died alone on the cold road and it nearly killed me too at the time, he was my life, but a year on, with the help of people here I am coping. Thinking of you and sending hugs xx


madi xx

Hey Dihann

Sorry I had to cut our chat short. It's now about 7:45pm, my time, so I know it's getting close to 10:00pm for you. My brother called long distance. He's coming up with his kids this weekend as my brother-in-law is putting on a big 60th Birthday Bash, out in someone's meadow, and me and my brother were going to be some of the people playing music there. I'll look for you in the chat room soon. Take care.

Dennis

July 3,

I think it's about a month now since Midnite passed. Wondering how you are doing, how things are in Chicago, how your son is doing. Thinking about you. Take care.

Dennis

Hi Dennis:

I have been thinking about you too. Was hoping to catch you in chat, but have been booted off more than once with difficulty getting back. Thank you for thinking of me when you are going through your own grief regarding Kota. Yes, it's been a month and some of the ladies here have helped me and I hope them in chat. My son's situation is stable for now. As for Midnight, not a day goes by without a tear being shed and memories flooding back.

Dennis, you have so much love to give, and I sure Kota would want you to be happy and not wallow in sadness and pain. In human terms, I know that if I had died before my husband did, I would want him to find someone else and be happy. It would so pain me if he stumbled about life without me mired in grief, guilt, etc. I think Kota and Midnight would want the same for us if they could let us know. I hope you are doing better and finding some peace.

I don't read the forums on a daily basis, but will now....seems the chatroom is vacant a lot lately, or my timing is just bad. The anniversaries are hard, and they will always be, unfortunately. Thanks again for your kindness.

Diane

Diane,

I was just reading Margi (Ladywolf's) post and she got a new cat. I haven't been here as much as I'd like, but finally starting to get over my 6 week bout of bronchitis. A friend's wife just put down her 23 year old cat today...a long life but it was time. I guess for you it's been about a little over a month and a week. Coming up on 2 months on July 7. Got Kota on July 14, 1994. When I was trying to decide about taking her, a friend with me said, "There is no perfect decision." Turns out she was the perfect decision. This evening I went for a drive, needing to get out of the house. Just drove and cried, no where in particular to go. I miss going to the vet, to the pet store, to all the places where we would go walking and hiking. Even at the store, I have to turn my head when I walk past the pet food aisle.

I usually check the chat room around midnight, before going to bed. I'll check it earlier in the evening and see if you might pop in. My sister is always encouraging me to look at Craig's list and the local humane society websites. Sometimes I browse but I still think too much about Kota. I just feel that another pet would feel like such a stranger in my home. Still looking for work, even if it takes me to live somewhere else.

Hope Chicago isn't too humid for you. I understand what you say about shedding a tear everyday for Midnite. Maybe catch up with you soon in the chat. Take care.

Dennis

Hi Dihann
It was nice chatting with you tonight -- I'll keep you in my prayers and hope you can soon have better days. Think about walking those dogs -- I think it will help.
Let's keep in touch
Sharon