On tuesday (9/28) I had to put my cat china of 12 years down and the grief and guilt are incapacitating. She was old anywhere from 16 to 19 years old i am not really sure. I never felt that i chose china rather she chose me and I strongly doubt that I will ever love another animal as I loved her.

I found china in a ditch in the fall of 1992 and never imagined how amazing she would be. It is too painfull to talk about her right now. The grief I almost feel as though I can deal with, but the guilt is eating me alive. I have read all the many posts online here and other places and now this is normal but it does not make it any easier.
I took her to the vets after many weeks even months of avoiding the obvious. In the last weeks she rarely ate more than a spoonful at a time, had trouble walking, sleeping, breathing the whole shabang. But she still had that sparkle of life in her eyes and that purr that only a happy cat makes. On monday night that was gone and I knew i had to stop avioding the obvious and get her help or accept that our time was over.

My guilt comes from not spending days thinking about it and holding and loving her or giving it time. I took her to the vets the next day at 1:15pm and she was put down by 2pm. I feel so selfish because if I stopped and though about it I wouldn't have been able to do it. I couldn't bring her home and KNOW I was bringing her back the next day to die. I feel I did it more for me than for her.

The other major guilt I am feeling at this point is regarding my other animals. I have other two cats, sera and jordan, whom I do love but not in the same way I loved china. She was my girl. I never questioned it it just was. They had all come to a tacit agreement over the years and neither of my other cats were really close to china so they don't seem very effected other than me being a walking basket case. At times I can't help but think that the deep love I had to give to another animal died with her and that I am only acting with the other cats. This is truely a horrible feeling but i can't seem to help it.

If anyone else has gone through something similar to this I sure would appreciate hearing about it or any words of advice on how to deal with this because I am really at a loss.

Thank you -M

Dear M,

I'm so sorry about your beloved China.

I can say, that I lost my girl (a nine year old border collie) on June 5th. I was utterly devastated. I have another dog, Falkor, but Luba was my girl. When she died I felt exactly as you do. I had to "act" around Falkor. I felt very guilty about it. I love Falkor dearly, but he wasn't my special little "animal soulmate" that Luba was. I was also terrified that if I let him in, he would die too. He has been sickly his whole life, and I was always trying to prepare myself that any day could be his last.

Luba never had a sick day in her life with me. She died quickly due to an underlying hidden heart problem. I had no chance to say goodbye.

The good news is: Falkor and I really have connected over the past months. It will be 4 months since Luba died this October 5th. I miss Luba more than words can say, but I've let new life in. I'm even contemplating adopting a dog that I've had visiting my Falkor. He was quite devastated by the double loss for a while. He lost Luba, and, for a while, he lost me.

Don't feel guilty. Just try and do the best you can for your other cats. They may well play a key role in your healing.

Stay in touch here!

Steph

Hi mpres,

I've been through something similar, too, with my cats. My primary bond was with Smokey, who'd adopted me when she was a kitten. I was her human and that was it! I think she only accepted my next cat, Kela, because Kela was so weak when we found her. (She was huddled, freezing and starving, in the snow in a bush near my apartment.) Kela always played second fiddle to Smokey, letting Smokey rule the house.

When we moved in with my future wife and Kela found herself with more space, she blossomed. Smokey was still my "baby," but Kela had begun to lay claim to me, too.

Smokey's death devastated me. It took months to get over losing her. But afterward, Kela and I became closer than ever. By the time Kela passed away (at age 22!), we were bonded at least as closely as I'd been with Smokey. Maybe even closer. Kela would lie in my lap and look up at me with total adoration in her eyes. That never failed to melt me, or to earn her the same look in return. (Dear Smokey usually preferred challenge and dominance to adoration.)

When Kela died, my wife's cat Summer moved in to fill the void. Summer started his life as a feral kitty, and it took him a LONG time to learn to trust anyone but Jo Ann. He seemed to know that I needed comfort after Kela died, though, and I think he needed comfort himself. He and Kela had grown to be good friends, and he missed her, too.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this.... (I'm still a little lost today. It was only yesterday that we had to put Kirby to sleep.) Maybe what I'm trying to say is that each relationship is going to be different, and that the relationships can change and become different things at different times, just like our relationships with other humans.

I'm so very sorry for your loss with China's passing. I hope you will give yourself all the time and room you need to grieve for your dear friend.


Sympathetically,

-- Daryl

Such a sad and familiar tale... I feel so bad for you. Max was my owner, just an alley cat that I found because of a "free kittens" sign. I adored him and he me. My first husband abused me and Max would lick my wounds, rub all over me and "bite" me when I'd cry. He traveled to Massachusetts from Ohio with me when I was forced to move and came back with me when I could. When I got the courage to leave the asshole (husband, not the cat) he came with me to my boyfriends (now my husband of 14 years) and started over with me yet again. One night, when he was barely 6 he went to sleep in the window of the house and died there. I could not have him necropsied, I couldn't handle the thought so I have no idea why he died. I still had his twin brother Mort to care for but Max was my baby! Mortie became SO depressed and he looked for Max all the time for months. I swore I would NEVER get another cat and if I did, it would be "just a cat" to me. Mortie died on I-70 1 year after his brother doing what he was always doing by then, looking for Max. 3 months later.. there it was AGAIN.. "FREE KITTENS!!" Oh no I didn't!! Oh yes I did!! They are Mo and Bo, they are almost 12 now and Mo is as loved by me as Max was, he even has A LOT of Max's personallity traits! At first I thought it was wishful thinking that he was like Max, but after all these years, I know it's true.. it's almost as if (dare I say it??) Max came back in Mo!! As I sit here now trying to deal with the horrible murder of my sweet dog Dexter whom I was forced to euthanize before he bled to death from everywhere, I too question and feel guilt.. intense guilt. If only I had checked the fenced in area, I would have found the poison, I KNEW the worthless guy who killed him was capable of it.. but I didn't. I had too many other things to do at the time. Now I have a very new puppy in my life, a Min Pin named Scrappie and GUILT?? Oh yea.. there's LOTS of that to go around!! I won't tell you time heals all wounds, because I don't believe that myself right now.. but I know Mo is the kitty love of my life and I truly believe Max had something to do with that.

You are in the midst of the grieving process, and you are probably a bit numb. As for the guilt, you gave her a good life and a dignified death - you upheld your part of the bargain for her, even though it hurt you. I don't know if you will feel as strongly towards the other cats. I had Carmen put to sleep over three years ago. I had her for my entire adult life and had gone through so many changes with her for the 20 years we shared. I had Oswald for 16 years, and I was close with him, too, but not quite as close as I was with Carmen, because I had Carmen when I lived alone for a number of years. It was us - the two girls. When Oswald came along, I found that I loved him differently, because he was a big baby, not independent like her.

Although I love the two kitties that I have now, we haven't shared as much history, so the bond doesn't go as deep. And that is okay, too. It may or may not come with time, and I each of my cats a bit differently. I am assuming it is the same with you. Don't be so hard on yourself. You know you have the capacity to love greatly. China was your proof of that. Since you do have the capability, it will probably come again.

I am sorry for your loss.

dee dee

As far as your feeling guilt over not loving your other pets as much as you loved China, I would think that's a perfectly normal thing. As time passes, I'm certain you'll grow to love them maybe even as much as you loved China; but they'll never be a replacement for her and you'll never love them "more" than you loved her.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with the pain of losing China. Guilt seems to be one of the first emotions we feel with the grieving process. It's a long hard road that we all must travel. Please know I fully understand what your feeling. All of us here share your heartache and we'll be here to listen whenever you need to talk. Please do keep us posted on how you're doing.

__Jim

Dear M,
You know, when an animal (or a person!) will not eat any more---it is over. They are telling us..."no more..I need no more nurishment..I am done"...but we do not want to accept natures laws. I saw my own mother reject food at the hospital before she died. It broke my heart! But the body, whether it is a cat a dog a horse or a human knows when it is dying. When it is dying "sustenance" is no longer required.
Remember that your beloved china never had thoughts of the future. Those are human concepts. China never thought about the future upcoming minutes hours days or months. People do that, not animals. They live only in the "now" and you provided all China's "now" in the most loving and giving way. You have deprived China of nothing. You are only feeling deprived by the physical loss of her. This is all normal. The guilt is normal too because you were the provider of everything for China. It is a big responsibilty and you wanted to keep providing for China's life. But China's life had come to an end and that is what you can not control. Take solace in knowing China is at the rainbow bridge with all our fur friends. She is 100% happy, whole and healthy..just waiting for the day when she gets to reunite with you again. You were wonderful to her the whole way.
Love,
Patti