I'm sorry I haven't posted since the other day. This has been a week of absolute highs and lows. The blood transfusion made Nicky strong enough for a "rescue protocl" chemo, which is the last treatment effort available. On Wed a.m., the chemo vet called and sounded stiff on the phone. He said he wasn’t very hopeful for a good outcome but did say Nicky's bloodwork was showing some improvement and he had taken a small bit of food over night. He asked if my husband I could come in right away to talk about it in person. You know that’s never good.

When we got there, the staff said we should go back to his cage because the doctor was busy. It was really weird—all of the techs were kind of standing in a group and stared at us.I took that as the sign that we were about to get the bad news. We went up to Nicky’s cage and he got up and nudged at the door. He was wagging his tail slightly and even tried to get out when the tech opened the door. We visited for 15 min. or so and I asked the tech if I could feed him. Nicky started eating and even pushed for more (of course, I couldn’t do because his stomach is in such bad shape). He even barked at a dog that was being wheeled past us. It was right then that the chemo vet came up behind us with his face all lit up (yes, the guy who had seemed like such a robot—was grinning from ear to ear!). He said during the morning he had decided to make the call to stop treatment because Nicky had been so lethargic but he wanted to give him more calcium and one last chance at seeing if he would change at all around us. He said his bloodwork was looking good enough that he would give him another thing of chemo the next day and if it stayed as good we could TAKE HIM HOME!!!! The guy literally gave me a half-hug on my shoulder. (All of the vet's stories about remission reference a golden retriever he treated. I get the impression that Nicky is more lucky than even I realize to have made it out of there.)

I can't even tell you the emotion I felt driving NIcky home. When I got him out of the car, I set him on the front lawn and just collapsed in tears. I was just so thankful to be there with him in the sunshine. Feeling grass underneath us and the smell of our neighbor's lilacs. It was like all of the hell since Satrday had finally taken us to this beautiful moment. I'm not a very religious person, but I just sat there on my knees sobbing and praying thanks.

I know the end is coming regardless, and that it will most likely be at my call. Best possible scenario is six months. If you had talked to me Friday, I would have been amazed for him to see Sunday. Each day is something that feels like a lucky prized piece of borrowed time.

Honestly, I don't know if remission is happening. Even the papers from when he was released say they aren't certain. Nicky is still barely eating and can't stand for more than a few moments without getting all wobbly. He is on so many medicines right now that I'm crushing and trying to give through a little plunger. He is so sweet and kind to tolerate as I sometimes have to grip his little mouth open to push the concoctions inside. He still has a lot of time where his energy is little more than a rag doll. I've been sleeping with him on the floor of our home office on a sleeping bag since we got him back on Thursday, because I'm worried he'll wake with diarrhea. He leaks from his rear a bit regardless. I'm applying diaper rash cream because the filth during his time at the ER vet has left him terribly raw. I know anyone else seeing all of this would think it is pure craziness. I still have a lot of moments where I am feeling guilty that we're putting him through too much and that he deserves better than this.

I'm trying to focus on savoring the little time we have left. This afternoon, my husband and I put him in a stroller and walked him several blocks to make the loop we always used to walk before I would leave for work each morning. Nicky was exhausted, but he still managed to raise his little muzzle a couple of times to sniff the wind. You could tell he knew he was where he belonged. Tonight I'm just feeling really blessed.


I also just wanted to say thank you to all who wrote such lovely messages the other day. I'll be writing you back individually, but I wanted to be sure you would see since it has been awhile since I've posted. You'll never know what your kindness has meant. I've been feeling so alone and just drowning in all of this. Having such support--and from some who are in the midst of such unbearable pain of their own--it's really kind of given me a whole new faith in the goodness of people. You may never realize how much your words meant to me, but it really was the only thing getting me through some of the darkest moments.

Hi Nicky's Mom
I am so happy that you have brought your sweet boy nicky home. I have been saying prayers for you both and have prayed for my angels to keep watch over him. Thank you for postng and letting us know how he is doing. Just follow your heart nicky will certainly let you know when and if its time. So please enjoy every hour and every minute of time you have with him. Hopefully he will beat all the odds against him. But for now the main thing he is back home with you.

God Bless and give Nicky a kiss for me
Hugs
Anna
xoxox

Such wonderful news to wake up to this morning, I am so happy that your darling Nicky is back at home with you. As Anna said, treasure each moment , hour, day and hopefully you will have much more precious time together. I've also been praying and asking my 'Angels' to watch over you, and will continue to do so. The stroller walk is a great idea, I bet Nicky loved it, seeing and smelling all his favourite places. Nicky , darling keep that tail wagging and have lots of hugs and licks with your Mom and Dad who love you so much.

Love and hugs

Jan and my Angels and Pixie xx

This is such great news, I bet he is so happy to be back with you and at home. I will be praying he continues to improve and you will have quality time together for many, many more months.

Hugs to you and Nicky,
Brutus' Mom

Fantastic news! I've been praying for the best for you all and to read that you've got your baby home is the best news I've had in a very long time. Bless his little heart, cherish every wonderful moment you have together. He's a very lucky boy to have you both as his Mom and Dad.
Hugs and kisses for dear little Nicky from me xx.

Hi, Nicky's mom, I have read through your posts about your wonderful boy, and I, too, and so glad to know that Nicky is home with you. Whatever happens please know you have done everything in your power to give him a loving home. I did read through your first post about Nicky, and could not respond. I was very upset about the treatment you were receiving from the vet, and I did not want that being the focus of my reply to you. But you and Nicky have been in my thoughts and prayers. Your post this morning truly gave me a deep sigh of relief.

Nicky will let you know when the time has come to ease his journey to the angels. Right now it sounds like he also is very glad to be back home with his mom and dad, and is savoring every moment possible. How wonderful that you have a carriage for him. I did the same thing for my Samson prior to his joining the angels 12 years ago. At that time there were no carriages specifically designed for furchild companions, so I got a regular baby carriage for him, and he enjoyed it once he was able to get settled comfortably.

I know you are savoring every moment that you have with your precious Nicky, and again, I am so o o glad he is back home with you. Please know you and Nicky will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers, and I will look forward to knowing how things are going.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Nicky's Mom. I was busy reading your original post and trying to reply to it this morning when I discovered you had started this thread. I'm going to paste my original reply to you but I am so pleased that Nicky is home with you. There's comfort in just that, I know. I hope you will have many more days together.
Here's what I was saying on your other thread:
[[[Nicky's Mom,
I'm so sorry about what you're going through. I'm also sorry that I'm just know replying. I read it the day you posted but I remember I was at work and couldn't reply. Things then started unraveling it seemed for our dog Buck and I got caught up in that. So, I'm sorry. I hope Nicky is showing some signs of improvement.
Nicky's Mom, I wanted you to know that I so much understand you being in this rock and hard place position. I respect your desire to not go against your husband's wishes. I, too, was in that position just 2 months ago with our sweet 15 year old kitty, Niles. I was home with him on his last day and I saw the sharp decline. I knew it was time but my husband wasn't here and he insisted that we wait until the vet and he could get here. Unfortunately, our vet wouldn't be able to make it here until the following day. I knew waiting was wrong but I refused to go against my husband. I don't live in the 1950's mentality but I do respect my husband. I held out and sadly had to witness Niles' passing early the next morning without the assistance he desperately needed. He died in my husband's arms around 5:30 a.m. after a long night of restlessness. I "slept" on the floor with him through the night and went to get my husband for my own comfort just moments before Niles got into distress. My sweet little king kitty deserved to go more peacefully than he did and I wrestle with that alot. Do I resent my husband for it? Well, maybe a little. But my husband found so much peace in the fact that he got to hold him as he passed. When Niles' brother, Frasier, died last August, we had him put to sleep here at our home. I did the holding that time while my husband couldn't even be in the room. I didn't understand that then but maybe that's why he needed to be with Niles this time. I don't know. But I do know the end result would've been the same. I would still be sitting here without my boy. And I would have guilt no matter what because I had guilt all over me about putting Frasier to sleep. There's seems no way around that, as I know others have told you.
I wish I had words to comfort you. But I thought maybe it might help to know other people have been through what you're going through. I know before I found this forum, I thought no one could possibly understand. I was completely lost after Frasier died. I just kept repeating that I wish I knew people who had gone through it. I needed so badly to hear people say that I would survive this and laugh again someday. When I found this forum, I found just that. My heart goes out to you, Nicky's Mom. It really does. I'm so very sorry for this situation.]]]
So, it's outdated now but I still wanted you to know that I respect you for following your husband's wishes. Maybe it's working out positively for you!
-Donna

Hi Nicky's mom--

Like everyone else, I too am SO GLAD that you have Nicky at home now. It sounds like that vet's office is kind of...weird? And not a place for any self-respecting little boy dog to spend his time. Your paragraphs about putting him on the lawn and just being so glad for the sunshine and the grass, and about walking around the neighborhood with Nicky in a stroller brought tears to my eyes--you are obviously caring very very well for your precious Nicky. He'll let you know when it's time to go, and it won't be "artificial" like it would have been in the vet's office. You'll see the signs and know.

Like you, I treasure this site and all the wonderful people who are here. I started coming when my Poppers was dying back in November, and have been a regular here ever since, in large part because I have this ongoing loving "project" called Ladywolf, whom I obviously adore. People have been SO supportive here, new friendships have been formed, money has been donated for Ladywolf's care--it's all been pretty amazing. What a great bunch of people we are!

I hope that you get to treasure your extra time with Nicky. Don't expect too much from him--take pleasure instead in the tiniest things. That's what I do with the Wolf. Just the fact that she has her head up instead of down most of the time now that she's on insulin makes me really happy, just seeing her walking around the yard overcomes my sorrow that she can't go for "real" walks anymore. We start out with baby steps, and we often end with baby steps, I guess.

Sending much love in your direction--

Margi and Wonderwolf