The past three weeks have been the hardest of my life. My sweet boy Nicky, a 14-year old rat terrier, has stage 4 lymphoma (masses on spleen and small intestine). He has suffered so much already. My husband pushed for chemo, and his ultrasound today shows it has all been to no avail. It is Monday and he hasn't eaten since Thursday. He has been at the ER vet since Saturday. Today his chemo doc said we could do a blood transfusion and try another type of chemo that has a 50-50 shot of buying him more time, another 6 mos. at most. He didn't say a word about Nicky's comfort or what he was likely feeling. His only comment on euthanizing was that "no one would look down on it." I honestly feel like my boy is nothing more than a number to him. I knew it after the first round of chemo when I drove to pick him up and asked about side effects and he couldn't be bothered to say anything more than "check the brochure." He even kept refering to Nicky as a she throughout the discussion of his disappointing ultrasound today.

This is killing me. Instead of having the end I wanted for him--the one his primary vet offered of coming out to our house to put him down--I've now put him in this horrible hell where he is resting in his own excrement (from persistent diarhea) in a cage surrounded by the whimpers of recovering patients with a bunch of tubes in him and high likelihood of dying without me by his side. When I visited him tonight his upper lip was stuck in a sad little grin because they hadn't given him enough water to keep his mouth wet (he has IV support). I keep bringing him fresh blankets and beds at every visit and wiping his rear as much as I can to minimize the filth but they only have visiting hours between 12 and 2 and 6 and 8. I can't believe how awful his life is right now. I begged my husband to make this stop but he seems just as resolved to see if the transfusion gives him enough energy to make it home and be with us for a day or two. There is bleeding in his GI tract that won't stop without the next round of chemo so I think he is fooling himself that our boy will ever make it through our front door. And what then--get better just to have more chemo? The transfusion is likely to take 2-3 days to show any improvement (if it will) which means more suffering regardless. This is no life. He is my dog--I had him before we were married and have taken him and paid for all visits, etc. through the years so I know I have power over his care. Yet I just can't bring myself to go behind husband's back and do this and I can't seem to get him to get on board with the reality that is happening. This afternoon the chemo doc told us transfusion or end it and that he would give us "a few moments" to decide. A precious few moments! I gave in and said transfusion. I'm so angry that I can't dig in and find the voice for my sweet boy who has none right now. I don't want to have to do this--my husband said how could I live with myself--but I don't know how I can live with myself already knowing what his past few days have been and little outlook for nothing but others just like them for the few days ahead with a 50-50 shot at some relief only to eventually face more.

The irony is that I'm the big animal lover and my husband is usually Mr. straightlaced lawyer. I never thought I'd be the one that wouldn't have the luxury of being the emotional one pleaing to take extraordinary measures. I'm a vegetarian, for crying out loud. I've volunteered for years at shelters. I actually met NIcky dog walking--the sweet way he would walk up every walkway to someone's front door and give a look back at me like "Is this where we're going?" absolutely stole my heart. I actually feel so guilty when I think of the shelter. I can't believe how much all of the money spent could have done for so many there. I feel sick and selfish when I think how much has been--and is being--spent. All from my savings, too, because I want to be sure my power over care isnt taken. I'll be working this back for years. But it just so different when you're looking at your own and feel like you have to do whatever you can. I've never said no.

I adopted Nicky at 10. He needed a lot of costly dental work and had been at the shelter for quite some time. Over the past few years, he's made it through a knee surgery, rupture of a disc in his neck, dog mauling from a stupid off-leash neighbor--I just can't seem to face that he's made it so far and there isn't any more fight to fight now.

I absolutely ache without him here. I slept with a heating pad near my leg last night and pretended it was him. I can't stand that there is nothing but miserable options no matter which way I turn.

Dear Nicky'sMom

I feel so sorry for what your and your precious Nicky are going through right now. He knows that you are taking care of him in the best way you can, even though it seems so awful to you. You are giving him every chance by him being in the intensive unit, but I know its so heartbreaking to see our fur babies in such clinical surroundings when all we want to do is get them home and hug them and assure them. I'm sure he will be sedated and so hopefully he will not be suffering too much. Visit him whenever you can, he will know that you are there for him.
I am sending my prayers that he will soon be back home with you.

Thinking of you.

Jan and my Angels and Pixie x

Nicky's Mom....I am so sorry for what you and Nicky are going through. Your post really drives home for me for two reasons...one, I have a rattie, we've had him about a year (he was a rescue and he is two now), Ratties are one of the smartest, loyal, loving, brave, tough, and funest dogs. They are definately underrated and actually very rare in my state. Two...your topic "What is the right way to die?"...is there even a right way? I have so much guilt because I feel I gave up too soon on my Brutus in my avatar...and in reading others posts, many have guilt because they feel they held on too long....I think guilt is there no matter what, it is all part of the grieving/pre-grieving process. All you can do is look into those sweet loving eyes of Nicky's and make a decision...there is no wrong decision....go with your heart. I am sending prayers for you and your darling Nicky. Please keep us updated.

Many hugs,
Brutus' Mom and Tanga (my rattie)

Nicky's Mom,

My heart goes out to you, hon, really it does. We had to put Bruce, our 15-year-old beloved boy kitty, to sleep a week ago, and I haven't stopped crying since. It kills me to think of all the injections and needles that poor boy had to endure the last week of his life, only to see all those treatments not make a difference as his body deteriorated daily. Guilt has become my new best friend.

All I want to say to you is to "Let Go and Let God," Nicky's Mom. Pray your heart out to whatever Being is your God. Talk to Him, open your heart and confess all the hurt you're harboring. It doesn't matter if it's God, Allah, Buddha, or even Ra or Thor. He is there for you, and he's there for your husband, too. I'm not a religious fanatic, please know. I have just found that this has helped direct me - helped me see a way when I was frantic and distraught and feeling very lost.

Last week the sorrow of losing Bruce and wondering if I did the right thing swept over me like a monsoon. I staggered into the living room, kneeled down and just poured my heart out to God. My body shook and my eyes cried a river as I spoke aloud to Him and confessed to Him my sorrows, my guilt, my fears, my loss, my feelings of inadequacy, my grief, my pain, my regret -- everything and anything. It lifted my burden a little, it seemed....

I think Nicky knows you're doing everything in your power to make him better. Animals are SO much smarter than we give them credit for. Just pray in your heart for the strength to get through this. God loves your dog tenderly and completely, and no cat or person EVER leaves God or is seen by Him as anything less than beautiful and adored

We are all here for you, for as long as you need us. Please remember that, always.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

Maggie
Bruce's Mom

Dear Nicky's mom, he's a beautiful little boy and my heart goes out to him and you all, in this very difficult time. I'm praying for you all.
I just lost my baby who was nearly sixteen a week ago and I know how much all those years together give you a very special bond and how it is when you feel your baby slipping away from you in whatever circumstances. God bless you and give you strength you need.
,

Nicky's Mom,
You are in a very difficult situation. You want to do what's best for Nicky, but there isn't necessarily a clear right answer. I am SO SORRY. I also believe with all my heart, that Nicky knows that you are trying to do what's best for him. I think he trusts you. And, because I've gone through my own recent loss, I can tell you that no matter what you decide, you will likely be haunted with horrible guilt, because that's seems to be what happens to kind animal lovers like us (I'm a vegetarian too, for the same reason). PLEASE keep in touch during this time so that people here can help you through that time. You are obviously a very kind person and this is going to hurt you like crazy for, well, likely a very long time--but you're not alone.
Maybe the transfusion will help him to have a little more energy. Perhaps then you can bring him home and still do the original plan that your primary vet offered (that's what we did for my Stew.) It is so hard to do the right thing when you're the primary decision maker, but you can do it (whatever that is, I don't want to tell you what to do). Try to think only of Nicky, not yourself or your husband, and try to decide what kind of life he would want, or even how/where he would want to say goodbye. That's what I did. It's horrible to be faced with a decision that may take away somebody who means so much to you. It contradicts your own heart in a way, but unfortunately that is the duty we take on when we become gaurdian over our sweet animal friends. And I think that a concrete thinker (like your husband)maybe isn't what Nicky needs right now--he needs his best friend and Mom to help him.
You will find stories in this forum of people who feel terrible for waiting too long, and of people who feel terrible for acting too soon. There just isn't a right answer.
Please keep us posted.
HUGS to you from one sad, guilt-ridden tormented soul to another--
Love
Kelly

Nicky's Mom,
Your decision is one that many of us have faced, especially recently. I lost my Cleo 3 weeks ago to a horrible disease (IMHA). She actually lived for 3 months after diagnosis and crashed twice due to infection. Each time, I did EVERYTHING in my power to keep her alive. "Do whatever is necessary" I would tell the vet each time. The last time she crashed was the night we had to put her down. Like you, I wanted her to make it through. I couldn't even imagine my life without her and imagine not waking up without her in my arms. The vet called while she was in ICU and said she wasn't doing well. We went there and while I knew deep down inside she was suffering, the vet gave us the option of giving her a transfusion, which would be a 50/50 chance of survival, but made it very clear that IF she were to make it, she would have horrible complications not only from the IMHA, but from the septic shock she went into affecting her organs. My husband thought it was time, but I couldn't bear it and said do the transfusion. They called us two hours later (on the eve of her birthday of all freakin' days) that she wasn't going to make it through the night. We had no other option but to put her down or she would suffer through the night. I cannot even tell you the emotions that I went though, and still do. But, the point of my story is that in the end, when I look back at what happened over the last 3 months (and especially that awful night), I really understand how much she was suffering. I kept her alive only for ME. I couldn't live without my first baby! How could I???? But now I realize more than ever, that it was best for her no matter how hard the decision was for me.

The decision is hard, so hard that it is the most heart wrenching decision you will ever have to make. But knowing that your boy is suffering and will most likely not make it through this, just think.... is it really something you want to put him through?

I am so incredibly sorry for the hurt, confusion and the feeling of being completely torn. No one can tell you what decision to make and what is the right one. My story is just one side...... and I like you, I did EVERYTHING for Cleo up to the point where enough was enough and I knew it was time. You have done SO much already for your boy. You have given him a great home and so much love. In the end, that above all things is what matters.

I wish you much peace tonight and hope that you will come to a decision that you are comfortable with.

-Christine

Hi Nicky's Mom--

I wanted to express my sadness for your situation also, and ask how Nicky is doing today?

I don't have any wonderfully sage words of advice for you--in fact, I haven't read your entire posting, I'm sorry to say. I had two dogs at the vet today, and I had my own pain and just couldn't let in a lot more. But I read enough to know that you are in great distress over Nicky's situation and don't know quite what to do.

Trust your inner voice (the "still, silent voice within," I believe the Christian Scientists, of which I am not one, call it.) You'll know, or find out, what is the right thing to do. You can trust that voice...

Big hugs and much love from Margi, Ladywolf, and Sweet Pea (my neighbor's dog, but my rescue a year ago)

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Hi Nicky's Mom
I dont know where to start but I first want to say I am sending you an Angel to watch over your Sweet Nicky. Then to say my heart goes out to you peronally. Your story has touched me and really hit home. My max in Dec had the same diagnoses as your Nicky so I know how you are feeling. Let me first commence you on all your efford to save your precious baby. My situation was the opposite I wanted to try everything, we were told we could have surgery to remove the tumor and that max would probably need blood transfusions and then do chemo. If we didnt want to do that our vet said we could do steriods to buy some time. Of course I wanted to save my boy or atleast have more time. We were told just like you that she would give us a few minutes to decide and she left the room. I atleast wanted to do steroids and my husband was the one who was trying to be realistic and make me see what if he stoped eating in a week and all the what ifs. So in that few minutes that we had I on the opposite hand as you I said ok I dont want him to suffer and had him put to sleep. Afterwards I had all the, I killed him, I didnt give him a chance all those horrible feelings that comes after the fact. So there is no wrong or right way. I do want to say after reading your post and all that your Nicky is going through has made me realise If I had done all the things as you, I would still of had all the feelings that you are having putting them through all the treatment. So no matter what we choose we dont know what is right or wrong. Had I had more then a few minutes, I would have probably done the same thing as you. Our heart tells us one thing and our mind tells us another. All I know is that we cant stand to see them suffer nor can we stand the thought of loosing them. So I say to you and your husband I totally understand and you both are right in your feelings. I want to say my prayers are with you both and your sweet Nicky. I will pray that your Nicky isn't in alot of pain. If it comes down to you making a decision your heart will tell you when the time is right. God has a way of guiding us, and giving us the strength in difficult times. Please give your Nicky a kiss from me and I will ask my Angels Max, Dozer Lady and Smokey to watch over him. Please know that all of us here are thinking of you and your little boy. We all understand how hard it is to not want them to suffer and not wanting to let go either. Remember one thing, love really is never having to say your sorry, for whatever ever choice you make. Please keep us updated.

Sending you Big Cyber Hugs
xoxo
Anna and My Angels

P.S Here is somehting I wrote after my decision,

G- The GRIEF that I feel
U- The ULTIMATE sacrifice I made to free you of pain
I- All the what If's
L- The LOVE and LOYALITY I LOST
T- The TRUST you had in me, and how I let you down

After reading the type of Guilt you are feeling I would like to right this for you

G- The GREIF and Guilt you feel thinking all he has been through
U- The UNCONDITIONAL love you have for Nicky
I- IF you could only take away all his Pain
L- Cant bare the thought of LOOSING him
T- TRUSTING in your heart that you are doing the right thing

Just really doesnt seem that there is any write or wrong decision when it comes to our love for them.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I lost my fur soul mate 2 1/2 months ago. I couldn't bare to see my kitty suffer and made the quick decision to put him to sleep. He was only 3. He hadn't suffered long. He began having seizures in December. I did research and found that the meds to control seizures weren't very reliable and they were toxic to cat's liver. He would eventually get sick from the meds. Instead of putting him through any more suffering I and my boyfriend made the choice to put him down. It wasn't a financial decision, it wasn't a "not enough time" decision, I would have spent any money or spent any time (I had done this before with a cat that had diabetes and I gave her insulin shots every 12 hours for the last 3 years of her 10 year life). I was willing to do whatever it took, but when I took a good look at the facts, I felt that for HIS SAKE it was not worth it. I loved that cat more than my boyfriend (don't tell my boyfriend that:) ), and would do anything for him. I felt my cat was too good for that kind of suffering. There was no answer and he would slowly die from the meds and or the condition. (Which was either epilepsy or a brain tumor).
I got to be there when they put him to sleep verses, him dying from a seizure while I was out. His passing was so peaceful. I kissed him on the nose and forehead like I would do every night when he feel asleep in my arms. He let out a deep breath and lowered his head and he was gone. It was quiet and peaceful, but oh so sad.
Deep in my heart I know I did the right thing, but I have been suffering a great deal of pain from his passing. I miss him terribly and I sometimes do feel guilt that maybe I should have tried the meds even though in my better judgement I know that they wouldn't work out in the end.
Take from my story what you will. I think we all feel guilty here whether we put our pets too sleep "too early" or "too late". I hope you can find peace with whatever decision you make.
HUGS

Missy,

Your story touched my heart. Chicken that I am, I couldn't stay when the vet put our cat Bruce to sleep 10 days ago. I feel like a terrible mom. I couldn't even kiss him goodbye. I couldn't even look at him -- I hated to see him so close to death *sigh* I feel lower than a ##roach's pet snail....

I've been agonizing myself these past 10 days, wondering if he went peacefully (the vet won't tell you the truth, after all). If your baby did, I hope mine did, too.

I hope they've become acquainted at the Rainbow Bridge. Our furbaby was 15, so he could be your furbaby's grandpa, LOL...

Hi Nickys Mom
I hope Nicky is doing better. Just want you to know I am thinking of you and your little boy. I am praying for him and pray to our angels here to watch over and comfort you and your husband and sweet Nicky. We all here understand and feel your pain that you are going through.
Please know we are here for you.

Hugs
xoxo
Anna and My Angels
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Nicky's Mom
Sending good vibes for you all and praying for the best possible outcome.

Jan
I just wanted to let you know that your words brought me more comfort than you'll ever know. Any time I started feeling overwhelmed with helplessness, I would try to focus on him knowng we were there for him. I brought him a blanket and bed each day. I know the folks at the clinic probably thought I was crazy since they have everything there, but all I could think was that I wanted him to smell home and not forget that there was something good out there, that he has a family, a home, his toys, a yard, the sunshine, the wind. (My husband doesn't even know this, but I even rubbed one of the blankets in the grass one morning because I was begining to doubt that he would ever see outside again.) I honestly can't express enough gratitude to you, your angels, and Pixie for your prayers and well wishes and beautiful note. You literally got me through the darkest hours.

Thank you so much for your prayers. I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You're in my thoughts as well.

I just wanted to say thank you for your kind note. After reading it, I started to look at a lot of the other posts. You really helped me to see the other side and feel a little less burdened by the difficult path we're now on. I hope your little Tanga brings you as much joy as Nicky has brought me. They're definitely a breed like no other! Not sure if Tanga does this, but Nicky would yodel in a low, gutteral Chewbacca-sounding way any time he was shut behind a closed door or left at the other end of the stairs when my husband and I were home. It is supposed to be a very rat terrier trait. I tried to get it on video once, but Nicky would stop on a dime anytime he saw the camara around the corner. I laugh every time I see the video. It's like a private joke between Nicky and me that no one seeing will ever know. Is Tanga a digger? That's also supposed to be pretty common to Ratties. I didn't think Nicky had the trait until one day I was out gardening and got startled when some dirt hit my ankle. I turned around to find all of this dirt flying up behind him as he looked like he was well on his way to China. Talk about 15 pounds of pure determination!

Hi Nicky's Mom...Tanga is really not a digger, but I have caught him in the act once or twice, he spends alot of his time tormenting my mix Radar, he loves to play....and oh yes, that howl/yodel. He howls when he is in a good mood and he will have a toy in his mouth and do it, it is hilarious. I'll have to try to get a video of it eventually. Yes, they are determined!

Many hugs,
Brutus' Mom

Thank you, Maggie. Your words touched me so much. That you could show so much compassion for someone else while you are still reeling in your own fresh pain literally brought tears to my eyes. I don't know how many times over the past few days that I've thought of you, your faith, and the need to put things in God's hands, and it truly helped keep me from giving in to the overwhelming feelings of guilt and frustration with the helplessness of it all. I had my own similar moment crying in the car in the vet's parking lot when I left after visiting hours the other night.

I'm so, so sorry to hear about your loss. I wish I could have words that could bring even half of the comfort you have brought me. Bruce is very lucky to have had a mom who loves him so much. I know he could tell you were trying to do the best for him you could. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself for not being in the room when it happened. He knows you always have been there for him. On some level, he may have wanted it this way as a better goodbye. If he were to have seen you so upset, it would have been likely to bring him great stress. Although I haven't had to be there yet, I've heard that it is peaceful--and from people who would tell it to me straight. You loved him with your whole being and that's all any of us can do.

I know you may not realize this, but your strength and faith when facing such pain has truly been an inspiration for me. You've handled such a tremendous loss with more grace and kindness than I could only hope to show.

Anna
Thank you so much for your prayers and the good thoughts. I just know on some level Nicky must feel all the support that those in his life--and even those he hasn't met--have been having for him. That he is still with us this morning and has battled so hard to make it back home is nothing short of a miracle.

Thank you, Missy, for sharing your story. I can't imagine how painful that must have been, especially when he was still so young. He is lucky to have had such dignity and peace in his passing. I can only hope the same for my sweet little boy.