Hello all. I am John. It took me about a week to get here. It was not because of fear or anything like that, it is because I was ashamed......because of guilt I would have to publically admit if I did. I let my little furbaby Angel suffer for 5 days when I should have let her go much sooner. It will be clear to see once I spin the yarn.
On the day before my wife`s birthday my little albino fert (short for ferret...it`s easier to type...honestly) was put down by our vet after a terrible 5 day struggle with a cancer that was not detected until far too late. Angel was a furbaby that came into our lives after our 8 year old fert Abigail died of old age. Abigails picture is on my avatar and is the silver fert. The other fert is Chase who at the tender age of 4 died mysteriously in her cage. Angel should have never been allowed to suffer those 5 days but she did and here is how I did it.
After being diagnosed with the cancer the options were dismal. We tried a conventional treatment (prednisone) that is recommended for this type of cancer and also they gave us a morphine based medication for her pain and medication to settle her tummy. The whole medication thing was a disaster. The prednisone made her so sick that she stopped eating almost completely. She would only take food in little tiny bits and only if you hand fed her. This was the beginning of the end (in my flawed human opinion) for you see it really should have been the end but I could not see it......could not admit it. If ferrets or any animal this small misses a couple of meals it is pretty much a death sentence for the creature. Angel missed a little more than a couple of meals after the medication fiasco and began to slowly fade away.
This is where I should have let her go. I know how this works. I am on fert #5 now. How much exposure to the cycle of life in these small frail animals must I endure before I "get it" We took Angel off her prednisone and began to hand feed her little by little while giving her the prescribed morphine doses. The food just wasn't enough but we hung on to her. She got thinner and thinner, could hardly walk but each morning we awoke she was there to greet us. The little tyke could hardly lift her head. The life light had gone out in her eyes. It was only then after 5 days of torture I realized what I had to do.
I cried my eyes out all the way to the vet. The vet was swift in relieving Angel of the burden of life. We took her home and she is now buried in that special place in our backyard when not so long ago there was only one fert there.....and now Angel makes 3. I knew even after 1 day.....the first day, I should have taken her to the vet. I prolonged that creatures suffering in an ill conceived attempt to lengthen her life when I KNEW THAT CREATURE WAS GOING TO DIE.
It is because of this act that I now feel guilt. My selfishness caused her more pain in her life than if I had just let the Creator run the show. My payment is the guilt I will feel every time I think of those 5 days. I do not wish to "get over it" or "forgive myself" or any other crazy notion and will want or even "need" to feel that guilt when I revisit that time through the mind’s eye. If you think that I am a martyr or enjoy tormenting myself I assure you this is not the case.
I have experienced that I learn much better from dismal mistakes than easy success. I believe we are tasked by a Higher Authority to take care of that which cannot take care of itself. In the realm of the domestic creatures don't you indeed find it odd there are people that announce themselves as "cat people or "dog people" or some kind of person who claims a favourite domestic pet? I just happen to be chosen to be a "ferret guardian" by higher but I won't be a good one if I don't stop playing God and persist in using "frail human knowledge" to hang onto some poor creature whose time has simply come to pass on this earth
I dream of being a ferret foster or ferret rescue. I need that guilt to remind me that I am just the guardian of these creatures, NOT THE KEEPER, and I never have been or shall be the Keeper. There is only one Keeper. In a rescue or foster situation love must be tempered with spirituality in order to best serve the little creature. I want my Creator to know that I have learned through this experience. That I deserve to be the guardian of such a fine (and really friggin cute!) animal like my beloved ferrets.
Remember there is such a thing as good guilt
Guilt is pain and pain is the great teacher
I will not let this little creature down again....but knowing my human frailties and my intense love for the ferret I`m sure my Creator will no doubt have to pick me up and put me back together again when I lose another fert. It can be difficult emotionally when dealing with frail creatures that have a short life cycle. I see more losses than in the cat and dog world. Death comes knocking at the door more frequently. My Higher Authority must know however that I am trying my very best to "let go". I have been gifted with many incredibly bright and lovable ferrets. He must know for certain that I am worthy of being a ferret guardian or I would not have been picked to be one!
Full Version: Guilt For Life
I feel exactly the same way, only for different circumstances. Please read through some of the threads here and you'll see that guilt is paramount in our grief. Just reading your post, it overflows with the love you have for all your little ones and the special bond you had with Angel. You're a good man with a big heart and your little Angel was so blessed to have you. I'm in a bad place right now but just had to reply, as I feel your pain but also the love you have for Angel. God bless you.
It's been a long while since I've been here. But, I remember when you lost Abigail and Chase. I remember when you got Angel. I lost our beloved cat Scooter at around the same time you lost Abigail and Chase. I also remember the joy in your heart when you got Angel. I am truly sorry for your losses. It is hard to imagine what you are going through.
I know how you are feeling. While I do not think you were selfish in keeping your Angel with you for those 5 days, you did what you could to keep her comfortable. And, she knew you loved her those last 5 days. In the end, you did the right thing. Please, don't be hard on yourself (though I know I would be doing the same thing. There are days when I still cry over the loss of our cat Scooter to kidney disease. We helped him battle it for 18 months, and he had come around to his old self again. Put on the weight he lost, was eating like a champ, and his coat was beautiful again. When I went back to work for the summer, that's when he began to fail quickly. I felt guilty for going back to work and not being here and gone all day. But, I try to not think of the what ifs anymore. I say Scooters name every morning, and every night before I go to bed. He used to drink water from the faucet whenever I'd turn it on to wash my face in the am and pm. Since he passed, I've never forgotten for one day to day his name.
I'd sworn that we'd never get any more cats, but our total is up to six now, and that is all for us. Two are 12, one is 11, 7, 6 and 4 years old.
Again, I am so sorry for your loss. When I saw your name, I remembered that we had suffered losses at the same time, and I just wanted to say, that I will be thinking about you.
Pleae, don't be hard on yourself. What happened, came on so fast, and you did everything you could do, given the time you did have. Please, keep in touch.
Scooters Mom
I know how you are feeling. While I do not think you were selfish in keeping your Angel with you for those 5 days, you did what you could to keep her comfortable. And, she knew you loved her those last 5 days. In the end, you did the right thing. Please, don't be hard on yourself (though I know I would be doing the same thing. There are days when I still cry over the loss of our cat Scooter to kidney disease. We helped him battle it for 18 months, and he had come around to his old self again. Put on the weight he lost, was eating like a champ, and his coat was beautiful again. When I went back to work for the summer, that's when he began to fail quickly. I felt guilty for going back to work and not being here and gone all day. But, I try to not think of the what ifs anymore. I say Scooters name every morning, and every night before I go to bed. He used to drink water from the faucet whenever I'd turn it on to wash my face in the am and pm. Since he passed, I've never forgotten for one day to day his name.
I'd sworn that we'd never get any more cats, but our total is up to six now, and that is all for us. Two are 12, one is 11, 7, 6 and 4 years old.
Again, I am so sorry for your loss. When I saw your name, I remembered that we had suffered losses at the same time, and I just wanted to say, that I will be thinking about you.
Pleae, don't be hard on yourself. What happened, came on so fast, and you did everything you could do, given the time you did have. Please, keep in touch.
Scooters Mom
I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. I guess I am a little confused about your comment
"if I had just let the Creator run the show"
Then would you have taken her to the vet sooner or just let her die when nature took its course-the way the Creator intended?
I do know what you feel about guilt though. I still feel guilty for everything about the way my beloved cat died but I know I was powerless to stop it from happening eventually but wish it had been more humane and easier. Try not to feel too guilty but I know how hard that is.
"if I had just let the Creator run the show"
Then would you have taken her to the vet sooner or just let her die when nature took its course-the way the Creator intended?
I do know what you feel about guilt though. I still feel guilty for everything about the way my beloved cat died but I know I was powerless to stop it from happening eventually but wish it had been more humane and easier. Try not to feel too guilty but I know how hard that is.
Dear John
It is clear from your postings that you most certainly are a 'worthy Ferret guardian'. The love you give and receive from your dear ferret companions is testimony to that. Angel knows how much you care and that everything you did those last few days , as in the whole of her precious life, was because of your love for her. I know how you feel exactly, as I too feel so guilty about not taking my Noushka to the vets sooner. Also did I keep my Tasha with me longer than I should. We can only do what we feel is right at the time, hoping that even the fact that they still seem 'happy' to see us, and be with us, they are still ok to carry on. It is such a dreadful and final decision that we have to make on their behalf that we can never be sure in our hearts and minds, when it is the 'right' (for want of a better word) time. I think while there still seems to be a glimmer of quality of life, however small that glimmer is, we can't bring ourselves to make that final decision. I don't think it is because we are selfishly keeping them with us, but just that it is too hard for us to let go while that 'glimmer' is still there. All I know is that our fur babies would not want us to suffer over that terrible decision that we have to make for them. They know that out of our love for them we are doing what we feel is the right thing. After the event we then question ourselves, was it too early? Should we have let them go sooner?
I am thinking of you and your Angel and sending prayers.
Jan and my Angels and Pixie x
It is clear from your postings that you most certainly are a 'worthy Ferret guardian'. The love you give and receive from your dear ferret companions is testimony to that. Angel knows how much you care and that everything you did those last few days , as in the whole of her precious life, was because of your love for her. I know how you feel exactly, as I too feel so guilty about not taking my Noushka to the vets sooner. Also did I keep my Tasha with me longer than I should. We can only do what we feel is right at the time, hoping that even the fact that they still seem 'happy' to see us, and be with us, they are still ok to carry on. It is such a dreadful and final decision that we have to make on their behalf that we can never be sure in our hearts and minds, when it is the 'right' (for want of a better word) time. I think while there still seems to be a glimmer of quality of life, however small that glimmer is, we can't bring ourselves to make that final decision. I don't think it is because we are selfishly keeping them with us, but just that it is too hard for us to let go while that 'glimmer' is still there. All I know is that our fur babies would not want us to suffer over that terrible decision that we have to make for them. They know that out of our love for them we are doing what we feel is the right thing. After the event we then question ourselves, was it too early? Should we have let them go sooner?
I am thinking of you and your Angel and sending prayers.
Jan and my Angels and Pixie x
John,
I'm so very sorry about what your going thru. I like you am feeling overwhelming feelings of guilt. But my situation is very different. I feel directly responsible for what happened to my lil madi, bc if It weren't for me opening my patio door to move a huge plant that had drawn ants, she would have been still with me today. It was a freak accident, at least that's what many people tell me, bc she had NEVER ran into the street before, she would even walk on the sidewalk or grass when she saw a car coming and she always wore a leash. Which is why I still don't get it!! I think about it ALL the time. At times I feel people just don't get how I'm feeling (I know everyone here does) but I can take comfort in knowing that our Creator does and He feels the pain I'm going thur. Knowing that helps but still does not take away all the pain, guilt ect. I wish I can say that I know exactly what your going thru but I'm sorry I cannot, bc for each person it's different but just know that were all here to help you cope and deal with your loss.
Luv,
Madison's mommy (a.k.a. Linda)
QUOTE (sad @ May 11 2010, 10:07 AM) 
I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. I guess I am a little confused about your comment
"if I had just let the Creator run the show"
Then would you have taken her to the vet sooner or just let her die when nature took its course-the way the Creator intended?
I do know what you feel about guilt though. I still feel guilty for everything about the way my beloved cat died but I know I was powerless to stop it from happening eventually but wish it had been more humane and easier. Try not to feel too guilty but I know how hard that is.
"if I had just let the Creator run the show"
Then would you have taken her to the vet sooner or just let her die when nature took its course-the way the Creator intended?
I do know what you feel about guilt though. I still feel guilty for everything about the way my beloved cat died but I know I was powerless to stop it from happening eventually but wish it had been more humane and easier. Try not to feel too guilty but I know how hard that is.
Well done! You have raised a very good point!
First of all, I guess I would not have let the Creator totally run the show. I should have taken my baby straight back to the vet the next day and let her go. So yes I would have helped her on her way to the Creator by having the vet put her down.
What I did was to go against the Creators wishes and try to keep her alive when death was apparent & imminent, and my little girl paid the price. It is a mistake I won't make again.
To sum up...if it is apparent that the time has come to end a future furbabies life because of a terminal illness I will not try to play God and "reverse the decision" so to speak. I will take the baby to the vet and through tears of anguish help the little creature to meet its Maker.
SHORTRISH! I am so glad to here from you again. I remember you very well. You were a poster whose thoughts I was always in earnest to read. The death concept for me has come a long way since that cold November day when I found baby Chase dead in her cage. I learned much about grieving from you and people like you during those tormented times. Thank you for all you have done for me....then & now!
About one hour ago, we went through the exact thing. See the Murphy Thread.
Murphy had cancer, metastatic squamous cell carcinoma. I dug the grave on May 1.
A couple of days later, she had a rally. Today, the vet told me this is not at all unusual.
She began to eat, walk, and purr when petted.
We stole ten extra days in which to tell her we loved her, and thank her for the fifteen years.
This morning, it all unravelled. She could no longer stand or walk or eat.
It's over. We had hoped she'd sleep and be content and die peacefully at home.
But today I had to talk to my wife, and say, "We are keeping her here for US, now, not for her. There will be no more good days."
So I feel guilty, but only about five days' worth. She should have gone at the happiest peak of her rally, not beyond it on the slide down.
This is a very sad household at the moment.
At the very instant of diagnosis of fatal metastatic cancer, I let Miles go. I am not happy about that, but wish I had done it with Murphy. It would have been better than writing fictional hopeful endings and let her struggle trying to stand or walk like she did today.
I agree. the next time, there will be no hesitation.
Murphy had cancer, metastatic squamous cell carcinoma. I dug the grave on May 1.
A couple of days later, she had a rally. Today, the vet told me this is not at all unusual.
She began to eat, walk, and purr when petted.
We stole ten extra days in which to tell her we loved her, and thank her for the fifteen years.
This morning, it all unravelled. She could no longer stand or walk or eat.
It's over. We had hoped she'd sleep and be content and die peacefully at home.
But today I had to talk to my wife, and say, "We are keeping her here for US, now, not for her. There will be no more good days."
So I feel guilty, but only about five days' worth. She should have gone at the happiest peak of her rally, not beyond it on the slide down.
This is a very sad household at the moment.
At the very instant of diagnosis of fatal metastatic cancer, I let Miles go. I am not happy about that, but wish I had done it with Murphy. It would have been better than writing fictional hopeful endings and let her struggle trying to stand or walk like she did today.
I agree. the next time, there will be no hesitation.
I came back to heal and it appears definitely to be the right thing to do! There are folks that responded in kind that I have not met until now but let me say thank you for the heartfelt sympathy.
I do not want to give anyone here the wrong impression. I do not have the guilt of the kind: "I wish I had...." or "If only I had"....you know...the bad guilt that we use to persecute ourselves and worsen our grief.
The guilt I wish to carry is "good guilt". It is a strange concept that I was introduced to here when I came here the first time. I made a mistake that had a profound effect on a creature I loved dearly. I do not want to forget that. That knowledge will be important in the near future here is why....
I am starting to get to know others that have ferrets that...let’s just say it turned out to be not quite the right pet choice for them. No fault of their own but decided along the way that a ferret was not quite right for them. This is how I got my little Angel baby! It looks like another is going to be coming my way very soon. An older male ferret will probably enter my life in the next couple of weeks. He is nearing the end of his lifespan. I will of course adore the creature and in probably 2 years or so he will die. You can see the problem already. Grief cycles will be a lot more frequent in my life because the creature itself has a short lifespan. Ferrets can live 8 years but that is a long life for a ferret (although my Abigail almost did it!) I must do what is right for these little tykes and that includes sending them on their way to meet the Almighty if that is what is required of me, remember this is about the ferret! No more trying to keep them on this earth if I know in my heart they are going to die. I am just lying to myself and hurting the species of animal I love most in this world
I do not want to give anyone here the wrong impression. I do not have the guilt of the kind: "I wish I had...." or "If only I had"....you know...the bad guilt that we use to persecute ourselves and worsen our grief.
The guilt I wish to carry is "good guilt". It is a strange concept that I was introduced to here when I came here the first time. I made a mistake that had a profound effect on a creature I loved dearly. I do not want to forget that. That knowledge will be important in the near future here is why....
I am starting to get to know others that have ferrets that...let’s just say it turned out to be not quite the right pet choice for them. No fault of their own but decided along the way that a ferret was not quite right for them. This is how I got my little Angel baby! It looks like another is going to be coming my way very soon. An older male ferret will probably enter my life in the next couple of weeks. He is nearing the end of his lifespan. I will of course adore the creature and in probably 2 years or so he will die. You can see the problem already. Grief cycles will be a lot more frequent in my life because the creature itself has a short lifespan. Ferrets can live 8 years but that is a long life for a ferret (although my Abigail almost did it!) I must do what is right for these little tykes and that includes sending them on their way to meet the Almighty if that is what is required of me, remember this is about the ferret! No more trying to keep them on this earth if I know in my heart they are going to die. I am just lying to myself and hurting the species of animal I love most in this world
QUOTE (Jon730 @ May 11 2010, 06:02 PM)
I agree. the next time, there will be no hesitation.
You appear to be the same kind of guy I am....I learn from dismall failure more than I do from an easy success. You have my sincere condolences on your loss my friend.
Shortrish...I don't know if you have ever seen the youngest furbaby I have. Her name is Rocket and she came after Angel. We got her as a seven week old kit.....WHAT A BRAT SHE IS. I am sure she knows the sun rises and sets over her LOL
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QUOTE (Mymadi @ May 11 2010, 11:23 AM)
John,
I'm so very sorry about what your going thru. I like you am feeling overwhelming feelings of guilt. But my situation is very different. I feel directly responsible for what happened to my lil madi, bc if It weren't for me opening my patio door to move a huge plant that had drawn ants, she would have been still with me today. It was a freak accident, at least that's what many people tell me, bc she had NEVER ran into the street before, she would even walk on the sidewalk or grass when she saw a car coming and she always wore a leash. Which is why I still don't get it!! I think about it ALL the time. At times I feel people just don't get how I'm feeling (I know everyone here does) but I can take comfort in knowing that our Creator does and He feels the pain I'm going thur. Knowing that helps but still does not take away all the pain, guilt ect. I wish I can say that I know exactly what your going thru but I'm sorry I cannot, bc for each person it's different but just know that were all here to help you cope and deal with your loss.
Luv,
Madison's mommy (a.k.a. Linda)
I'm so very sorry about what your going thru. I like you am feeling overwhelming feelings of guilt. But my situation is very different. I feel directly responsible for what happened to my lil madi, bc if It weren't for me opening my patio door to move a huge plant that had drawn ants, she would have been still with me today. It was a freak accident, at least that's what many people tell me, bc she had NEVER ran into the street before, she would even walk on the sidewalk or grass when she saw a car coming and she always wore a leash. Which is why I still don't get it!! I think about it ALL the time. At times I feel people just don't get how I'm feeling (I know everyone here does) but I can take comfort in knowing that our Creator does and He feels the pain I'm going thur. Knowing that helps but still does not take away all the pain, guilt ect. I wish I can say that I know exactly what your going thru but I'm sorry I cannot, bc for each person it's different but just know that were all here to help you cope and deal with your loss.
Luv,
Madison's mommy (a.k.a. Linda)
Yes it is different! Your guilt is bad guilt. You are persecuting yourself for something that cannot change and to pursue that further something that will only worsen your grief. My guilt is a lesson, your guilt is a monster and you must forgive yourself. It only "appears" you are directly responsible but that is because you are looking to blame someone or something for the act. Life threw you a curve...that is all. There is no blame. You will see this in time to come but the sooner the better. Please you must do this or your grief will be longer and may even worsen.
Talk to me anytime freind
John
Hi John
I am so very sorry about the loss of your ferret Angel - but am so glad that I was able to read your story. We put our Westie down on Dec 7 2009 and though it's been a bit over 5 months now -- the grief of missing her is sometimes still so intense. But what you say makes sense about good guilt -- I too have often wondered if I kept Sammy here longer than I should have or even sometimes if we let her go too soon - but in reading your words - a strange peace came over me and I realize that no -- what happened is exactly as it was meant to happen. Thank you for coming here to help me.
Sharon
I am so very sorry about the loss of your ferret Angel - but am so glad that I was able to read your story. We put our Westie down on Dec 7 2009 and though it's been a bit over 5 months now -- the grief of missing her is sometimes still so intense. But what you say makes sense about good guilt -- I too have often wondered if I kept Sammy here longer than I should have or even sometimes if we let her go too soon - but in reading your words - a strange peace came over me and I realize that no -- what happened is exactly as it was meant to happen. Thank you for coming here to help me.
Sharon
QUOTE (xrayspex @ May 11 2010, 07:08 PM)
Yes it is different! Your guilt is bad guilt. You are persecuting yourself for something that cannot change and to pursue that further something that will only worsen your grief. My guilt is a lesson, your guilt is a monster and you must forgive yourself. It only "appears" you are directly responsible but that is because you are looking to blame someone or something for the act. Life threw you a curve...that is all. There is no blame. You will see this in time to come but the sooner the better. Please you must do this or your grief will be longer and may even worsen.
Talk to me anytime freind
John
Talk to me anytime freind
John
Thanks John you too kind! You made me feel better. I want to just accept it as it is, but I can't now. Being on here and talking about it, does make me feel better. Thank you for listening.
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