In Memory of Phineas - 9/27/04


September 27 began as a very hopeful, happy day. We were doing a good deed and welcoming a homeless cat into our home.

A small cat, perhaps 6 months old, began hanging out on our deck during the summer visiting with our cat Floyd and eating all the food Sue had put out for Floyd. He was so hungry, that he would eat an entire can of food in one sitting and look up seeking more! Sue began putting out food for him too and he became a fixture in our yard. He had a cute little face and a crazy tail that usually was sticking straight in the air, often with twigs, leaves or other evidence of his wanderings hanging on it. He and Floyd became friends, gently butting heads in greeting, lounging about the yard and chasing after bugs and sometimes one another’s shadows.

We were sure he was homeless and we grew attached to him, naming him Phineas. He always seemed very docile and good natured but also a bit scared. Still, over time he got used to being around us. He had obviously had some tough times in his short life and now he had food and companionship. Still, he was used to life as a street cat and some habits were hard to break. A few weeks ago, I woke to find Phineas scavenging through a garbage bag, trying to get at some chicken bones left from the prior evening’s dinner because the cat food bowl was empty. We never let that happen again!

Every morning when we woke and opened the back door, Phineas was there waiting. His innocent face told a story. While still wary, the little guy couldn’t believe his luck. He had found a dependable food supply, a friend in Floyd and a bit of respite from the hard life he had lived so far.

With winter coming, it seemed if we were to ever open our home to another cat, that Phineas should be the one. With all my indifference to cats, Phineas had gotten under my skin. We planned to trap him last night and bring him to the Vet to be examined, fixed, and declawed.

Trapping Phineas was not much fun. With Tuna as the lure, we set the trap on the deck. First we inadvertently captured Floyd! Needless to say, he was not at all happy. When we finally caught Phineas he was thrashing and banging about in the cage. He was scared at being confined and helpless.

As we prepared Dinner, one or the other of us would go out and talk to him in soothing tones and this really seemed to calm him down. Of course, once we left him, the thrashing began again. This was all strangely satisfying; we had a bond with him and we were trusted and our presence brought him comfort.

Ruth suggested we bring him in for the night and that turned out to be a great idea. This was probably the first time in his life he had been in a house and he seemed to calm down and recognize that it was a haven, a place of safety. While we had to keep him in the cage, this was probably the first night of his life that he was safe from predators and the elements.

Seeing him in the morning, quietly peering out of his cage felt great. Phineas was becoming part of the family. Once he got through his next few days with the Vet, he’d come home to a safe happy place filled with love. He would never have to face the elements or predators again. He would be safe and happy with us.

Sue brought him in first thing this morning and everything was great. Phineas was cooperative and good natured. He had dirty ears, a full bladder and a few wounds from his life on the street, but he seemed to be in fairly good condition. Sue called me around 9:30, giddy with the news. We had a new family member!

Less than an hour later, everything crumbled. The Dr. called with the news that Phineas had Feline AIDS. Like its human &%^og, this is a terrible disease that would surely claim his life. Worst of all, keeping him was out of the question as this would endanger Floyd and all other cats he came in contact with. His ravenous appetite was likely a sign of this terrible disease beginning to overpower poor Phineas.

Cat overpopulation is a sad fact of life and it is hard enough to find homes for healthy cats much less those with debilitating terminal illnesses. Most cat shelters are sad places for their residents and in the end, given the choice of trying to place Phineas in a shelter for Cats with Feline AIDS (surely a more grim place than a standard shelter, offering him a very short miserable life without freedom, the outdoors and with minimal human contact) or euthanizing him and saving him the misery of the ravages of a terrible disease, Phineas was put to sleep.

A hopeful beginning had turned to despair. We were both devastated; how could a good thing turn out so badly? How could this sweet gentle creature have such a pathetic fate? How could a good hearted loving gesture so quickly become such a terrible choice?

Spending the day at work, incapacitated by grief and pondering what happened hasn’t provided any great answers. Some would say, “He was just a stray cat”, and to some degree they would be right. This was not a Parent, a Spouse, a Sibling, or a long time friend. This wasn’t Floyd, our companion and friend since early 2000. So, why does this hurt so?

A lot of reasons:

- The pathetic nature of the situation; a poor defenseless creature who never had a chance.

- The sadness that our effort at a good deed resulted in something so bad.

- That we really knew him; he had a personality and a name. To us Phineas was a “person” who we had come to love.

- That his life ended just when it was about to become fuller, richer, and safer in our home.

- The things we never got to do with Phineas and he never got to experience in his short life; simple everyday things like petting, brushing (Floyd Loves It!), playing with toys, cuddling on a cold winter night; the simple everyday things that make life wonderful for all of us.

Maybe it’s something even bigger; that Phineas’ brief journey through life represents a microcosm of the human condition:

- People often live for the future, but counting on that future is a gamble, not a certainty; one day there won’t be a tomorrow. Are we letting our lives fly by consumed with everyday nonsense without really living?

- We expect those close to us to be with us forever, repressing the certain knowledge that they won’t be. Will we regret things left unsaid and undone?

- We’re scared that we’ll have to make similar life decisions for those close to us that we made for Phineas today.

- We’re terrified of our own deaths, scared of the prospect, unsure what might lie beyond, and incredulous that the world could actually go on without us. Will our lives have had any meaning? Will anyone care when we are gone?

These are some of life’s biggest, scariest realities and questions.

Perhaps the best way to morn Phineas and give his short life meaning, is to learn from it by celebrating life and rethinking what our lives mean and how we live them:

- Let’s not take tomorrow for granted.

- Let’s strive to be happy today.

- Let’s never lose sight of what is really important to us and never take for granted those who are important to us.

- Let’s not waste our life worried about the mundane and inconsequential.

- Let’s focus on the years we have yet to live and not try to fix the unchangeable past.

- Let’s treasure each and every day.


As I sit here now at 3am in the early morning of the following day, I am consumed with sadness about what has been lost. With Floyd at my side I contemplate the meaning of it all. It is simply impossible to believe that Phineas won’t be there when we open the door in a few hours. I can’t help but think that someday all of us will follow Phineas and pass from reality to the memory of others and it is profoundly sad. I am incredulous at the sounds of our town waking, the papers landing on the front steps, the early stirring of people beginning their days. Life is going on without Phineas and there are so few of us who recognized the value of his life and share the sadness of his passing.

With the dawn of this new day, lets’ try to put our grief aside and celebrate the brief life of our friend Phineas. While he bore a lot of hardships and fear and passed long before his time, at least in his last weeks, Phineas was accepted, loved and cared for. Though that care took a tragic turn, I know that wherever he is, Phineas knows we tried to give him a better, happier life. The final night of his life was the only night Phineas slept in the safety of a home, our home, and he will always be a part of our family.

Go in peace little prince; your memory will always be cherished.

Your selflessness in helping this unwanted animal and the selflessness of all the others in this wonderful group will be rewarded someday, I truly believe this. I believe we are judged not only on the way we treat people but also the way we treat animals. I'm not a vegetarian, and I think in some cases animals must be sacrificed to save human lives, but ALL animals, even dairy cattle, beef cattle, and lab animals MUST be treated as WE would want to be! In the Bible God said: "What you do unto the least of mine, so you have done unto me" Read into that what each of you choose, but I know how I look at it!

Dear FinnsDad, you took on the inevitable, most people would have just thrown a few kibbles out on the porch and sit back and watch phineas walk on, but for some reason, not only due to the fact that phineas knew where his next meal was coming from, but he also hung around for another reason, YOU and YOUR family had already bonded with him, and HE KNEW IT, they always say animals are very keen, they see, hear, smell, and SENSE things that we can't, and that is why it is so hard for you to go on now, because you became his daddy, even if he spent only one night in the house, it was a night well worth remembering, grieve daddy for little phineas, go ahead, we are grieving for phineas with you, but we know how much harder it is for you, God rest his little soul.
Sherry (littlebitsmom)

I am basically at a loss for words. Your "love story" about your time with Phineas touched my heart and my soul so. I too believe Phineas' short journey through this life does or certainly should remind us that life is so short, and we really do need to remind ourselves constantly not to take those we love for granted -- for we never know if we or they will be here tomorrow. I have been learning some lessons in that regard too.

I know there was so much for Phineas and you, Ruth and Floyd to look forward to doing, so many experiences and so much more love you wanted to give Phineas. I am so sorry that this is not to be, but I am very happy that little Phineas did not die without having been loved and cared for with such kindness and heart. I wish there were more people in the world like you and Ruth (and Floyd too) and the others here. You told about Phineas and your time together, as well as your thoughts on his loss in a most touching way. More than anything, I will remember your kindness to this little child, Phineas, and know that he left this world full, warm and happy, filled with your love. Had it not been for you and Ruth, he would never have known these wonderful things you shared with him. I'm so glad you got to love him and he got to love you back!
Marcia

Hi Finn's Dad,
I'm going to request that your post be moved to "Death and Dying." Sometimes the posts in Memorials/Tributes don't get read as much. I'm sure you will get many more responses from the kind people here.

Take care.
Marcia

Your story - almost EXACTLY - is why the name "Tom" is added to my nickname.

Tom was a black domestic stray who came around for love and ate what I gave him. He would lay at my feet outside, give me a quick rub, then walk away - mostly just needing some company. I did all of the same things, capturing him (BOY what fun that was!!!) finally taking him to a vet thinking I might save at least one of the many lost furry ones out there. He was so docile and friendly that my vet was amazed - he purred while being prodded and poked. He was old enough to have lost most of his teeth and had obviously been someone's pet. His tongue kept hanging out because his front teeth were missing on the bottom - he was adorable.

Feline AIDS is a terrible disease. And we aren't left with many choices when we hear that terrible pronouncement. Oscar was living with us by then and I could not risk his life to save another.

Tom was put to sleep and my heart had another little crack in it.

I can't help but think - is it really so sad? They finally got to know what love was. And although it was short-lived, they will be remembered by those who loved them until we join them once again. So many out there never have even that.

Hopefully Finn is playing with Tom - and Edgar and Jesse. Knowing that for at least a short period they were loved and have left an unmeasurable mark on our souls. Waiting for us to join them so that they can finally get all of the hugs and love that they deserve.

Dear Finnsdad,

The older I get the more I think that what we humans view as tragedy might not be bad at all. Could it be that every arrival and every departure of every living thing is only a shift --a moving from one room to another?
I am so glad that Phineas found you and that you found him. There is a reason. Of that I am quite certain.

I am thinking of you and your Mrs. Phineas is with my Ginger 100% happy and healthy and whole at the rainbow bridge. One day you will see Phineas again--until then he will be chasing butterflies.
Love,
Patti

What a great tribute to Finn. Though his life on earth was short, it was good to know his last few weeks were made better because of the love and care given him by you and your wife. It was a sad story in some ways, but very heartwarming. I'm glad his path crossed with yours and your wife's. His life was enriched because of it and so was yours.

__Jim

FinnsDad,

I cried, too, when I read your tribute to Phineas. I'm so sorry things turned out so sadly!

But you did a beautiful thing, you touched Phineas's life with love, and you spared him a horrible death and a whole lot of suffering. As hard as it was, you did the kindest thing you could for him given the options you had.

As for why he meant so much to you in so short a time, well, isn't that always the way when we fall in love? Love doesn't care about the packaging (number of legs, presence of fur, etc); it's a matter of the heart. There really isn't any explaining it, or any need to.

I recently heard an anthropologist say that there is actually only ONE form of life on Earth, and that's DNA. It's just taken a lot of different shapes.


-- Daryl

[QUOTE][QUOTE]

Patti, Gingerspal, What a beautiful, comforting thought. I pray with all my heart that it is true. As always, your words give me hope and help to dry my tears, tears that seem to flow more freely and more often these days for some reason. I have not been able to get my little girl off my mind in the last week or so. Sometimes I feel I just wish I could get in the grave with her. I know that is a pitiful thing to say, but it is late and I am tired, and I miss her more than ever these days. I knew every little inch of her little bitty body, her beautiful face, those bright eyes. I miss her so. I know some good has to come out of a love so strong. I just know it.

And Finn's Dad, I am so sorry. I didnt' mean to take over the thread with my feelings. I admire you and your wife so very much. I really do. I can post my thoughts another time, and I will. My heart does ache for you, but you did a most wonderful thing -- how very kind you were, and I know it was just meant to be. Had it not been for you, Phineas would never have known what it was like to be loved and safe, and he was safe with you. You do realize how Phineas' life would have ended had it not been for you, don't you? He knew LOVE because of you two. How beautful! How wonderful! Your kind of caring makes the world better for all of us.