hi everyone,
new at this, as well as new at grieving for my best friend, einstein. she was said to be a chow-mix, but if you google "swedish lapphund" you will see pictures that look exactly like her. she was 15 1/2, 108 in dog years, and we lost her suddenly, last tuesday morning. her labored breathing woke me around 3:30 a.m. - i tried to comfort her, and calm her down - noticed her tummy was kind of bloated - called the emergency vet, had to carry her to the car because she couldn't seem to walk. the vet said she was in shock, and noticed her gums and tongue were almost white - she was bleeding internally and the vet estimated she had lost half her blood into her abdomen. of course the option of blood transfusion, exploratory surgery, etc, etc - what could one do?? how could i subject my 108 year old baby to this medical treatment at her age? my wife and i just looked at each other, and knew we had to make the hard decision...

i first got einstein even before i met my wife, teresa. she's been a very special part of my life. this is the first time in my life, that i've had a pet from "start to finish". we had pets when we were kids, but my parents always seemed to find a reason to get rid of them before they got old - so here i am at 51, having to deal with the death of a pet for the first time ever.

been a horrible week, had to take a day off from work, very hard to stay focused, can't seem to get anything done at home, been scanning through old photos, almost anything dog-related makes me want to cry...

not sure how this all works, but any thoughts, comments, ideas, suggestions, are most welcome. from the way this feels, i doubt if anyone ever really can get used to these feelings, but maybe some of you have found solace in something.......

thanks,
steve g
seattle

I am so sorry about your loss of Einstien. We have all been there and feel your pain. The first month was so hard for me...I hardly slept and when I did I woke up crying...I couldn't eat...it's been 5 months now and I still cry. I went through all the classic stages of grief over and over again...guilt seems to be the one that never totally leaves me...Don't get me wrong...time does heal but you still will get times of such unbelievable sadness you will think things will never get better..but they do and they will. I think what helps me most when I'm really feeling down is to memorialize Brutus...put up another photo of him somewhere...add a new flower to his shelf where his ashes are...write a poem...and come here and talk about him. It is a long journey ahead of you but this is a great place to start...everyone here totally understands.

Brutus was 13 when we helped him to the bridge..my guilt comes from wondering if I did it too early..did I do everything right. I think guilt is the worst..we all torture ourselves with the whatifs.

Hugs to you and your fur angel..she is beautiful.
Brutus' Mom

I am so so sorry you are going through this difficult time.
I too had to make the same quick decision to put my kitty to sleep over a month ago. Mine started have terrible seizures. He was only 3 years old.
I've dealt with the death of a pet many times in my life, but for me this one is the hardest.
What you must remember is that you gave your dog a wonderful life, and you helped to stop the suffering he was in. You allowed him to pass away peacefully. Euthanasia is the kindest thing we can do for our pets when they are in distress.
I am in the same boat as you so it is difficult for me to give a lot of advice on how to deal with this grief since I am going through it as well. I know from my past dealings with loosing pets that time does heal all wounds. You do slowly move on with you life and always hold a special place in your heart for those pets that have passed on.
For me personally, I had to rearrange some furniture and put away his toys and cat bed. It's hard at first to deal with them not being there anymore. I did get a bunch of photos of him printed and some of them I framed and hung on the wall. I got his ashes and put them in a special urn with a couple of his toys in with it.
It's a difficult time. Slowly you will feel better.

Hi, Steve, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved companion, Einstein. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. It doesn't matter if it's your first experience or your 400th, the grief journey is always a painful one to travel. You and your wife made the most loving decision you could for Einstein - - at great sacrifice to you - - so that she could be released from her failing physical body.

Steve, this grief journey is filled with so many different and unpredictable emotions, especially at first. Our beloved companions give to us their undivided attention and unconditional love, and we in turn surrender ourselves to them completely, and this is one of the many reasons why losing them is so painful - - both physically and emotionally. This grief journey is a one day at a time journey, Steve. One of the things to remember is that you are not alone, and I am so glad you have found this wonderful forum. Each of us here does know first hand the pain and sorrow that you are going through. For me I had to send my beautiful 6 year old baby girl Abbygayle to the angels 32 days ago, and less than 4 months before that, my handsome 15 year old Black Lab, Oslo, joined the angels. Within 39 months I have had to send 3 of my 4 furkids to the angels. It is just Abbygayle's brother, Noah, and me now, and my sorrow is not just for me but for my precious little Noah who is now an "only child" for the first time in his life. And before these losses there have been others in previous years - - each and all of them I carry with me every day in my heart and memories.

Thank you so much, Steve, for sharing with us about your beautiful Einstein, and please remember you are not alone in your grief journey. Each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Steve, I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear girl, Einstein, and the grief you're feeling. It's so sad and painful to lose such a special part of your life. Time is the only thing that can help, and it's a slow process. Your heart has been blown apart, and now it has to learn how to mend itself back together, while keeping Einstein's essence in tact. It's especially difficult losing Einstein so suddenly, with little time to adjust to the idea of not having her around. How wonderful that she lived to such a ripe old age in dog years, but that really doesn't make things any easier I know.

I lost my girl, Abbey, after just nine years, following a short battle with lymphoma. I got her as a puppy for the kids - who were 10 and 12 at the time - but she quickly became my girl. She was with us for our happiest years together as a family, and she brought the purest form of simple joy and laughter into our lives every day. Her loss signifies the end of an era, and reminds us how fragile and precious life is.

This is my second spring without my Abbey girl, and missing her still cuts like a knife. Some days I still half expect to find her outside bringing me a stick to throw, or laying on the front step waiting for my car to come down the street so she can run and meet me in the driveway with her happy tail, smiling eyes, and some crazy toy. Whenever the pain hits, I try to use it as a time for quiet reflection to remember how special she was, and how lucky we were to have her presence and love for the time that we did.

Let the tears fall freely. Einstein lives on forever in your heart. She will always be a special part of you. "The greater the love, the deeper the loss".

thanks for the kind thoughts, sonya...
someone told me once, earlier in life, when we had a death in the family - "death can put a hole in your heart, time can make the hole smaller, but it never goes away completely" - there is certainly merit in that statement.

today i am feeling totally useless - there are things i need to be doing, but simply don't have the ambition at this point. i haven't been eating much either, i open the fridge and look in - but nothing looks appetizing. i could drop a few pounds, but this is not what i had in mind!

i knew einstein was getting along in years, and i knew anything could happen anytime - but it still hits you like a freight train, damn...

been going through old photos on my computer, and printing out a bunch of 'em - that helps a bit. a couple have even made me laugh, so i guess there's some hope for me!

thanks again for caring,
steve

that's got to be really hard, so young.

we knew putting her down was a horribly difficult thing to do, but thinking about what she would have to go through to try and be "saved" by the vet - no one deserves that at that age. lord help me if i lived to 108, then developed something serious - just let me go too!

i've printed a bunch of photos as well, fairly therapeutic, but not the same as a good scratch...

and yes, the bowls, the beds, the leashes, the brushes - everywhere there are thing to remind you - i haven't been able to put much away yet.

thanks for the kind words, and good luck with healing your heart
steve

I`m so sorry for your sad loss. Its such a hard decision to make, we had took Rufus to the vets 2 days before and the vet wouldn`t do anything, on the day it happened he collapsed as if he had given up and the vet then said it was time. I was alone as my husband was working in America. My Rufus was the same age as Einstein "108" he went to "doggie heaven" 4weeks ago and I still have that gaping hole in my heart so I completely understand.
As for moving moving bowls beds etc I still haven`t, they are all in the same place.
I have been to 4 different dogs homes today and cried in all of them, I am hoping to find a new dog soon, not as a replacement but I am hoping it will help to mend my heart.

I hope too that your pain will ease soon. Just think they will all be running round somewhere wagging tails again.
I look out of my window before going to bed and if I see a bright star its Rufus. God Bless you
Debbie x

hi moon beam, thank you for the kind words. i know there was nothing else we could have done, she was too old to have to endure any extensive surgeries or treatments, and i don't know if she would have even lived through that - not a happy memory, but would have been made worse with more suffering. the vet seemed to think she wasn't in any real pain, just slowly fading out from the blood loss. i like to hope he was right, she didn't seem to be in pain...

knowing she was over 15 years old should have told me time was precious, but i don't think we like to admit these things - reality does bite at times!

many adjustments are at hand, and lord help me get through it all.......
cheers,
steve

we had also lost our two cats in 2008, hard as that was, at least they had issues before hand and it gave us a few weeks to adjust to that reality. einstein's loss was very sudden and unexpected. i had realized that at the tender age of 15, i could wake up most any morning, to find her expired on her bed - still it doesn't seem real what has happened.

just as you miss abbey when you come home at night, i miss einstein - that little yip and bark as i was unlocking the door, that tail wagging, that seemingly always present doggie smile - tough to beat after a long day - and now, it's gone - these are hard, hard days right now, i know how you must feel as well.

thanks again for the kind words, everyone here is so understanding. i've read several other stories, and it just tears me up right now - time to go for a walk, but i don't know if i can go without rattling that leash.......

steve

Steve,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I understand how hard it is. We had to rush our Casey to release him from the pain of lung cancer a year and a half ago. It was so upsetting to see him struggling for air, which we witness on his last morning with us. Just like you have said I would not want to live with this condition, why would I want my beloved Casey to suffer. I enjoyed his companionship for 12 wonderful years and I try to stay focused on that. I truly believe you will see Einstein again some day. Until then know he is happy and healthy once again.

You are in my thoughts and prayer. Please know it will get better with time.

Karen

Dear Steve
I've just read about your very sad loss. Please know that I am thinking of you and your wife and your darling Angel girl Einstein. She 's a beauty and she reminds me a lot of a 'black' version of my two darling Angel Samoyeds, Tasha and Noushka. Also we're not quite sure what Pixie (we rescued her 8 weeks ago) is exactly , mostly Samoyed but she could be a German Eurasier, Samoyed/Keeshond/ Chow , wonder if you have any knowledge of them.
I know what you mean about the 'hole' in our hearts. It starts as a massive gaping wound and we feel we can't bear the pain, but it does gradually start to heal so that life becomes liveable once again, but there's always a 'hole' and a scar. I'm up to almost 8 months since Noushka left me , and I still cry, I called our recently rescued dear dog (Pixie) 'Nounou' this morning and it set me off again. Its over 4 years since I lost Tasha and I still miss her so much. As time passes though we can smile and laugh about the times we shared so that we can think of our Angel fur babies in a 'Happy' way. I do believe that they never leave us, only in a 'physical' sense, and yes it does hurt so much that we can't see or touch them, except in our dreams.
Your photos are great. It's plain to see what a wonderful life Einstein shared with you.
Love and hugs
Jan and my Angels and Pixie x

Steve, I just read your post. I'm so very sorry about your sweet Einstein. Your pictures are great. She was a beauty! I understand what you mean about going through this for the first time at 51. When we lost our cat, Frasier last August, it was our first time at 41! I didn't know what to expect and whatever I might have expected, it was nothing like that at all. We lost Frasier's brother, Niles 4 weeks ago. So, I understand your loss and I'm so very sorry. There's so many things to get used to. There are so many adjustments that you just don't want to make.
You're in my thoughts during this hard time.
-Donna

hi donna,
you're right, the adjustments are the real issue now:

- no one to help you finish that sandwich...

- no one to anxiously wonder if picking up those car keys means i get to go too...

- no one to greet you with a smile and a wagging tail when you come home...

- no one to poke their nose in your lap, and remind you it's dinner time...

- no one to lay their head in your lap because you're sad, and they want to see what's wrong with you...

that's the one i could use the most!

thank you for the kind words,
steve

hi jan,
it's clear that this site is filled with nice people, filled with compassion over their pets. it does help to "talk" with others who are in the same place - each day gets a teensie bit better, but still hurts a great deal...

amazing when i think about it, einstein was with me for nearly a third of my life so far - and people wonder why we get so attached! still hard to imagine life without her - i keep printing out pictures i find, it helps some...

thanks again,
steve