Has anyone felt guilt months after their pet died? I felt incredible guilt right after Callaway died and the intense guilt has returned, it's been almost 7 months since he died. The pain is so hard and I sometimes feel like I'm going to loss my mind.

Absolutely I have. Months after Frasier died I told my husband I still have days where I don't feel like I've made any progress at all. It seems like out of nowhere I start going over Frasier's last days, our decisions, just everything. But lately it helps in a weird way to keep telling myself that no matter whether I let my mind go there or not, nothing is going to bring him back. Then I'm usually able to block my mind from going there. Maybe it's just avoidance but hurting myself with the guilt is only making me feel worse. It's not helping Frasier.
I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I hope you'll find peace. And remember you did everything based on what you knew at the time. Your decisions were out love and not to hurt Callaway. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
-Donna

It's funny you should mention this today -- I have been having horrible guilt feelings myself today. I was going over Sammy's last few months and feeling like there was just something I should have caught onto sooner. I feel guilty for the commercial pet food I gave her all those years and for all those vaccinations that I thought she had to have -- and the Frontline -- I could go on and on. She was my first dog -- my first pet -- and I wish I knew some of the things I know now -- I look back and realize that I didn't know how harmful most of those things were. I wish I could do it all over again. I feel like I really let her down.
Sharon

Guilt is as much a part of dog-rearing as child-rearing. I still feel guilty over Kris, my poodle mix who died almost 10 years ago. The vet told us that his kidney failure was probably caused by infected teeth. Well, I had no idea you were supposed to brush a dog's teeth. No vet had ever told us anything like that (which was probably because vets have only recently started paying attention to dental care in dogs). Also, we got Kris when he was almost two years old and he had a fit every time anyone went near his mouth so even if we had known, it probably wouldn't have made a lot of difference. However, it was one of the reasons I started brushing Charlie's teeth from the time he was a small puppy. I brushed his teeth every night so that by the time of his death his teeth were in such good shape that he never needed a professional dental cleaning by a vet.

Now here's the irony: if Charlie had required dental care he probably would have had his blood tested a lot sooner and we might have caught his kidney problem in time to do something about it. Here's another irony: Kris lived to be 16, yet I fed him inexpensive dog food (i.e., the kind you get at the grocery store) his entire life. Charlie, on the other hand, ate expensive, premium dog food from puppyhood on and yet he didn't even make it to his 9th birthday. Whatever you do it seems like something will always go wrong. Sharon, you mention vaccines being harmful, but what if you'd refused to allow Sammy to be vaccinated and then she caught parvo or some other horrific illness? You'd have blamed yourself for that too, I reckon.

I've actually come to the conclusion that you can't control everything. All you can do is the best you can, using the best information you have at the time. None of us have the option of living our lives over, but hopefully we learn as we go along and, at the very least, don't make the same mistakes twice. I gave Kris a good life and, fortunately for all of us, it was a long one. Charlie's life was short, but he crammed a lot of living into those 8 years, 11 months, and 23 days, and I helped him do it. I hope to give Belle a long life and hope even more that all her years will be pleasant. I hope the same for any other dogs I may own and will do my best to make it happen. Unfortunately, there just aren't any guarantees. It sucks, I know, but there it is.

Barbara

Hi Rhapsedy....I too have been having a hard time the past few days...it has been 4 months and 3 weeks and suddenly last week I was hit very hard with guilt again...especially after I had a couple dreams of Brutus that were not pleasant. I'm beginning to think it never goes away.

Hugs,
Sonya

I guess the journeys of our grief are long and different and seemingly never ending. I guess we all acted out of the best interests of our pets with the best knowledge we had at the time. Hopefully if I get another dog I can make even better decisions for her and give her the best shot at a longer life.
Sharon

There's a line from Steel Magnolias that I really love: "I'd rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." Our pets gave us all minutes, hours, months, years of wonderful memories, and we gave them the best we could. Humans take a lot of pride in our mastery of facts and figures but in the end there is so much that's beyond our control.

I've just been reading over some of your old posts, Sharon, and it really sounds as if you did the best you possibly could have done for Sammy, both before and after her illness. As you say, you acted out of what you honestly felt were her best interests and you'll do the same for your next dog as well, only with the benefit of experience. Forgive yourself. I know Sammy has. As a matter of fact, I'm quite sure she never thought there was anything to forgive.

Barbara

DO NOT blame yourself for anything.
You sent your pet to heaven as your pet was suffering, or died at home naturally. You, in no way, contributed to that.
I don't know your situation exactly, but I do know that.
Guilt is a normal part of loss. We second question, was it something we did that caused the illness. Was it the right decision to put our baby to sleep. Did we wait too long. Did we do it to early. etc, etc.......this is circular thinking.

The situation is this.....ask yourself one question. Did you love your pet? If the answer is yes, then you did everything as best you could in your pet's interest.
Simple as that.

It is normal to feel guilt, but it's not healthy. Try to focus on the love you both had for each other.....forget anything else as it's irrellevent at this point.

I hope you feel better.
-Donald

How very well said. It's what I've been trying to figure out a way to say without hurting anyone's feelings, which is why I hadn't posted here yet.

Guilt seems to come from the mind--that "very dangerous neighborhood that we should never wander into alone." It's a hamster wheel of craziness-making that does us nothing but harm. I keep saying over and over again that we all operate on the best possible information that WE HAD AT THE TIME. Hindsight is useful for the present and the future, but not for the past. We miss them, we long for them--it's natural, I guess, to feel as if we made the wrong decisions because we miss them so much, but doing so rips us to shreds for no reason. Everyone seems to feel some guilt when anyone dies. God knows, I did when my mother committed suicide. But even in that case, I knew that she did not WANT me to feel any guilt, so I managed to work it out. It was her choice then, not mine...

Please, ladies, cut yourself some slack and give your souls and minds and hearts a break. As Donald said, the key question is...Did I really love my pet? Did I think that I was acting in their best self-interests? Did they love me? Of course you did, and they did, and that's what matters--not the minute details of their passing. Try, instead, to remember their LIVING, which was grand and glorious!

Margi and the Wolf

Donald and Margi, thank you! I needed to hear that!
-Donna

Hi Donna,

Thanks for the response. You are so right... the guilt just makes us feel worse and there is nothing we can do to bring them back. I have just got to practice not letting myself go into the guilt phase, I need to remember all the good times and the things that I did right for Callaway. I have never felt the intense pain that I feel over losing Callaway, it's just totally new to me and I guess I don't know how to deal with it. I am going to try what you do and tell myself that feeling guilty is not going to help, maybe that will help me to stop obsessing about what I think I did wrong.

Rhapsedy

Hi Sharon,

I feel the same way that you do... I feel like I let Callaway down. I'm sure if I didn't make the decision to put him to sleep I would feel guilty for letting him suffer. I too think about the commercial pet food that I fed Callaway and if I would have only fed him the best food maybe he wouldn't have gotten lymphoma.

I have decided that I somehow have to let this go... I'm not sure how I'm going to do it but I've been working with a therapist for the past 6 1/2 months trying to figure out how to let it go. If I figure out the key I will definitley post it on this website in hopes that it will help others too.

I am so sorry that you feel guilt but trust me I know how it feels and it can eat you up. I pray that we can both find peace and just remember the good times that we shared with our pets.

Take care,
Rhapsedy

Hi Barbara,

I think that is a big part of why I can't let go of the guilt because I can't control what I did... I can't change the past and I really wish I could! I hope that by working with a therapist I can work thru my control issues and move on.

Thank you for your response.

Thanks Donald! I like the one question... Did you love your pet? Yes, I loved him so much and I took such great care of him for 14 years. I do think that I gave him a wonderful life and more love than anyone could hope for. I will remember your question when the guilty feelings pop up and hopefully that can get me off of the guilt track. Thank you so much for your post.

Thank you so much Margi! You are amazing, you are going thru such a rough time but you still come on here to support others.

How is Ladywolf doing today?

Hi Sonya,

It is so hard dealing with the guilt and the grief. I knew it was going to be hard losing Callaway but I had no idea I would be struggling so much after 7 months!

I am so sorry that you are having bad dreams about Brutus. Have you tried thinking about happy times that you had with Brutus before you go to bed? I have read that that may help you direct your dreams to where you want to go. I think positive thoughts about Callaway every night but he hasn't come to me in my dreams. I hope he does soon, I just want to know that he is happy now.

Take care,
Rhapsedy