Last Friday after an 8 month battle with the unknown I had to put my Jess to sleep. She was a beautiful 9 year old border collie and meant the world to me. I had done my very best to look after her and make sure that no harm came to her but in the end there was not much else I could do. I took her to the vet on Friday morning and after checking her over she said that she wanted to admit her and do an ultrasound. At 12:30pm the vet called and said that there was cancer pretty much everywhere in her body.

The last 3 days she didn't really have any energy and had also gone off her food. I had said to the vet that morning that I did not want her to suffer. The vet gave me the options to have her for the weekend, take it day by day or to end her suffering that day. I did not hesitate and said end it now, I went down early to play with Jess with her ball the best that she could and to give her some tummy rubs. She had labored breathing due to the cancer and by the looks found it hard to lay down because of the pain, she also had a lot of pain when she needed to go also. The nurses asked if I was ready and I said yes, the vet came in and we talked a bit. Jess of course just wanted out as she always did at the vet, she had many visits over her time and it wasn't her favorite place. We got Jess to sit down and the vet administered the drug as she sat next to me and I patted her, it happened so fast as she was then at peace. I patted her for a few minutes after and then said goodbye to her and left.

After that I drove home and called my wife and told her she was gone, she came home to comfort me, I pretty much feel apart over the next 4 days. Jess was my dog and I had her well before I met my wife and we had kids. She was a big spoiled dog back then and well over weight due to me giving her to many treats we sorted that out and got her down to a perfect weight for many years.

I think I have gone through most of the emotions that I have read about but keep coming back to guilt and regret. My thinking was that when she passed that she would not be stressed and that I would be as calm as I possible could so as not to distress her. The problem is that I feel guilty that I didn't do enough for her when it happened. I keep thinking to myself that I should have said the words goodbye and hugged her and not just patted her. My wife said to me that just being there for her was all Jess would have wanted. I just keep beating myself up over it I can't help it. She meant so much to me and I miss her so much, I have pictures of her every where. My wife bought a lovely wooden box which I keep her things in, it sits next to me in my office. When I get her ashes back this week the ashes will be there too.

I know this is long but I feel I just need some extra support to help me through this. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

J

I'm so so sorry for your loss. I lost my 3 year old GSD on Monday so I know what you're going through.

Your wife is absolutely right though being there was all that Jess wanted. She had her dad with her till the end, and that was very brave of you. When we had our dog put to sleep on Monday, I couldn't even go to the vets with, my DH had to take her.

Please don't feel guilty, you did the best thing for her and she's not suffering anymore. Irene.

Irene I am so sorry for your loss it is very hard thing to have to go through I know. Thank you for your kind words and support they really have meant a lot.
J

J

I am so sorry for your loss. I too had (have) the same guilt and regret for not doing more for my dog Callaway when I made the decision to put him to sleep. I always said that I would be strong, hold him and tell how much I loved him during the procedure. Well, it didn't work out that way, all I could do was be there with him but I was so emotional that I just cried and put my head on his paw. Callaway too was very scared when the vet put the needle in his leg. I even tried to give him a sedative an hour before the procedure but it didn't seem to calm him down. We both need to realize that we did the best we could, you and I were very emotional because we were losing our best friend, there is no way to plan for such a difficult thing. I truly think that no matter how things ended we would find something to feel guilty about, it's just part of the grieving process for many people.

It sounds like Jess had a wonderful life and you should focus on what an incredible dad you were to her for eight years, as I type this to you I struggle with telling myself that too. It has been almost 6 months since I lost Callaway and I am better than I was on that horrible afternoon September 16th. Your guilt and pain will lessen and you will start thinking of the good times that you had with Jess, it just takes time to deal with your loss. I think the thing that helped me thru was dealing with my emotions, don't try to hide your emotions, let them out. Talk to your wife about your feelings, I think the more you express your feelings the sooner the healing will begin. I had always hid my feelings in the past but when I lost Callaway my feelings were too strong to hold in, so I had to learn to be vulnerable and let everything out. Another thing I suggest is coming to this site often, everyone on here knows how devastating losing an animal can be and can help you thru the pain, they all helped me immensely.

I will be praying that you find peace soon with your loss. I never used to pray before but have been doing it since I lost Callaway. I find it to be very helpful for myself and others.

Take care,
Rhapsedy

Aw, your story is so sad, I am so sorry for you! I know the feelings you have, I too lost my doggy last Monday and it was completely devastating. My dog Storm was 14 and had a long and happy life, but I must tell you, I still have all the feelings you have so I don't think it matters how they go, we still feel that overwhelming sadness and emptiness. I feel bad that Stormy died all by himself downstairs in our family room while we slept upstairs, I wish I could have held him in his last moments, so you see, don't feel bad, you were there for your sweetheart and that is all that matters.

Please don't beat yourself up for what could have been - just try to remember your doggy in happier days (hard I know as that just made me cry harder!).

Take care,

Moira

J
I am so sorry about the loss of your dog. We put ours to sleep on Dec 7th and it still hurts terribly some days - although somedays I feel better. You gave her the last gift you could - being there when she took her last breath. I believe she knew you were there and that's all she wanted. So many kind people on this forum have told me that we can't second guess what we did for our babies. I have a hard time with that sometimes, but I'm trying to work on that. take care of yourself.
Sharon (westiesam)

Thank you all for your kind support it really means a lot to me. I feel that I am slowly coming to terms with what happen and I know that what I did was the right thing to do for Jess. Thanks again for all your kind support and I feel for all of you.
J

Dear J

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your darling Jess. Your being there with her was all that she would want, and just patting her would make her feel much easier than emotional goodbyes. Whatever we do at that time never seems to be the right thing, because we are so upset and feel so responsible for our fur babies. The letting them go is so very hard for us, but they deserve not to have to suffer and so for them it is the most loving thing that we can do . I know it doesn't seem that way at the time.
I do hope that soon you will be able to look at all your pictures of Jess and remember her with happiness. Thats what she will want. Maybe when you feel able you could post her picture on here.

Thinking of you.

Jan and my Angels xx

Dear Greyghost, I know how much you are missing your dear K9 soulmate, Jess. I'm so sorry for your great loss. I'm a little over a year into dealing with the loss of my girl of 9 years. When I don't think about her, I'm ok. But when I do think of her - which is still all the time because I'm always driving past the areas we used to walk all over town - I fall apart inside. I wrestle with anger that I lost her so fast and so relatively young. I'm filled with dread that I'll never see her again, except in pictures. We brought her home as a puppy for the kids, but she ended up being my girl, my best friend, and constant companion. She always got me through life's tough times and easily put a smile on my face. She was the happy center of the family, "the baby", and her cheerful presence carried my kids from the 'tween years into adulthood. She represented all those great years together. Now my kids have gone off to school and Abbey is gone forever. It's like the end of an era. So I know what you are going through. The void is immense, a lot like losing a human friend or family member. All we can do is get through one day at a time. Try to stop beating yourself up with guilt. We did the best we could given the immense stress and circumstances we were under. There is no right and wrong way. Jess absolutely knows how much you loved her and cared for her. Dogs are incredibly intuitive like that. She enjoyed every day you had together, and that's what she lived for. Because of you, she had a wonderful life. It takes incredible strength and courage for us to do what we had to do. It's our incredible love for them that gives us this superhuman strength and calm in their last moments. The guilt and regret creeps in after that power-bubble pops - when its over. Please do not look back with doubt or regret. Just with gratitude for your happy times together. That's what Jess really wants from you and for you the most.

thanks Jan

thanks AngelBear'sLuv for the lovely words, I nearly burst into tears when I read your post.
J

It's been one week today, I am starting to feel better slowly although the guilt seems to creep back. I still have a great sense of loss over Jess, I think of her a lot every day. I find it so hard to believe that she is no longer here with me. Thanks everyone for your help during this tough time it means so much.