Hi,

Just wanted to say hello to everyone here.

I had no plans to join but....after reading Sheppie's "I Did Not See This Coming, Sudden Death", I decided to join.

I wound up here by way of links from another pet bereavement site. Sheppie's post was the very first that I read from the forum...I was drawn to it because of the title. Yet completely taken aback once I read about her loss....her story is also mine.

On New Year's Day 2010 I lost my girl, Maggie (hemangiosarcoma).

While I am not new to loosing a pet and all the sadness that surrounds such a great loss, loosing Maggie was slightly different. Rather than start a new topic I will develop on loosing Maggie within Sheppie's topic as referenced above (it fits best there).

To continue my introduction,

To date I have lost (euthanized) 8 dogs (due to old age or terminal illness), and most recently Maggie. I have also euthanized my bird (illness), and buried two Hamsters.

I am invloved in dog rescue as a volunteer and have found such happiness in all that I do to help homeless dogs.

While loosing any pet is never easy, loosing Maggie has been the hardest for me. In trying to heal and move forward I realized this time was not like the times before and I really needed to find a place where my feelings would be welcome and understood....I do think this is the place.

To all of you who have lost a pet...I am so sorry for your loss. Please know I feel for you. I know & understand the pain, sadness, guilt, emptiness and tears well. I walk the path alongside you.

I hope that my time here will help me heal and move forward, but I also hope to be a member who brings something to the table....support, understanding, empathy, strength in numbers.

With love, hugs and a great sadness,

BullyMama (aka; Maggie's Mom)

Hi Maggie's Mom
First of all - I am so sorry about the loss of your Maggie -- and second -- welcome to this site. I haven't been here too long myself -- we put our dog to sleep on Dec 7 2009 -- this is a great place to let your feelings be known and acknowledged. Keep posting whenever you need to -- I feel that losing a pet (Sammy was my first dog) is one of the worst things that a person has to deal with. Take care of yourself.
Sharon (Westiesam)

Oh Maggies Mom

I don't know if you have read my first posting about my darling Noushka. It's all so similar to what happened to your dear Maggie. Noushka was fine up until a few days before she left us. She was all alone in our vets while having tests and being treated for pneumonia. The vet said her condition was treatable but that she would have to stay hospitalised, so we left her there thinking that we could see her the next day. At 8.30 am the vet called to say she hadn't made it through the night. Oh that was almost six months ago and I'm still crying when I think of that dreadful morning. I just couldn't believe it a she had been out walking and playing only a few days earlier. What made it worse was that although I hugged her and told her how much I loved her as the nurse took her to the vet kennel, I never thought that would be the last time I would see her, and that she would be in unfamilar surroundings with people she didn't know, in her last moments . I still can't forgive myself for leaving her there.
The one consolation is that as with your dear Maggie, Noushka was enjoying life up to the last few days.
I'm glad that you have joined the forum and I hope it will help you as it most certainly has helped me.
I see that you are involved in 'rescue' . We rescued Noushka almost 13 years ago when she was around 1 year old.
Last week we were made aware of a Samoyed/ Eurasier cross who was about to be euthanazed as her 7 days were up in the pound, but had been taken to a 'no kill' rescue centre. We brought her home with us last Saturday. They had named her Pixie and she is about a year old. A gentle giant who has brought back some happiness to our home which had been so quiet and empty since last September when Noushka left us.
It has been an emotional roller coaster, but this sweet girl needed a home and we needed the love of another fur baby. I feel blessed that we found each other , I do think my Angels have played a part in it, that's what I believe.
It's early days for you and I so understand the pain and emptiness that you will be feeling. Please know that I am thinking of you and send hugs and prayers for you and your Angel Maggie.
Love Jan and Pixie and my Angels x

Sharon (Westiesam),

Thank you for your kinds words & the welcome. I am very sorry to hear of the loss of your Sammy. I see that Sammy was your first dog...Awww Sharon, my heart goes out to you. Yes, loosing a pet is one of the worst things a person must deal with.

Hugs,

BullyMama (Maggie's Mom)

Jan, Pixie & your Angels,

No I've not yet read your first post about your Noushka, but I will. Yes it sounds like what your Noushka went through is similar to what happened with Maggie. Jan, I know how you feel....

On New Years Eve I did not want to leave Maggie because I knew in my heart things were bad, I knew she was dying. I wanted to euthanize her and let her go peacefully in my arms, rather than prolong her suffering. My Husband wanted to wait it out until Saturday when an Ultrasound could be done.

I decided to let him make the decision on what to do, thinking the stress and lack of sleep had clouded my judgement. I don't blame him, he wanted her to get better, he was doing all he could for Maggie. When I said goodbye to Maggie prior to leaving her I knew that would be the last time I would see her alive. I knew she was never coming home. I just knew it, I felt it, but mostly Maggie's eyes told me I was right.

I have a ton of guilt about not being there for Maggie in her final hours, about not holding her as she passed, and for not euthanizing her. Worse, I feel as though I dumped her at the vet clinic when she was dying. I feel like I turned my back on her when she needed me the most. I am upset over the fact that she died alone in a cage, in a strange place. I am angry with myself, and right now I have doubts I will ever forgive myself.

I am sad that other people (vet & kennel technicians) were caring for her during her final hours. I should have been caring for her. I have so much guilt over not trusting my instincts on New Years Eve when I wanted to euthanize her. I left her to die slowly. I now wonder if she suffered or if she had any pain...I assume it was not the peaceful end she so deserved, that I owed her.

While I have lost several other dogs in the past, the last few months have been the worst. I am almost not getting through the grieveing process. I am stuck, I cry all the time, I think of Maggie constantly and what the last hours of her life were like. I should have been with her during that time. I want to go back and change the last 24 hours of her life but cannot.

Yes, I volunteer for a dog rescue. Maggie was a rescue, and the 2 dogs that are still with me are as well.

Awww, that is so great you rescued Noushka and have now honored her memory by rescuing another sweet girl who really did need you. I also believe your Angels may have guided Pixie to you and you to Pixie. I am happy to hear that Pixie has brought some new happiness to your home....she needs you as much as you need her.

Thanks so much for sharing about Noushka and for your kind words.

Hugs,

BullyMama (Maggie's Mom)

Hi again BullyMama(Maggie's Mom)
I love the photo of Maggie, she has such a sweet, beautiful face, bless her, thankyou for letting us see her.

Everything you just wrote so echo's just what I feel and felt about my darling Noushka, and her passing. We feel that we let them down by our not being with them at that time, but do you know ,now when I look back at those last few minutes with her , as I said goodbye, I think she knew. She made no fuss, she usually hates vets visits, she licked my hand and as you said, those eyes said it all. I think they knew it was time to leave us and they wanted to do it in a way that we wouldn't see ,maybe. To save us from more hurt. We know how psychic our fur babies are . Someone wrote in a posting on here that they know no fear of death. Let's just hope that the drugs they were on will have had a sedating effect so that they didn't suffer . Your husband is probably also feeling that he let both Maggie and you down too, with his decision to wait for the tests, although I'm sure we all do what we believe is the right thing to do for our darlings, at the time. It all seems to happen so quickly and with the shock of it all I think it's all sort of as if we are in a bad dream. The main thing that got me through this terrible grief was knowing that she would not want me to be sad, she hated me to be sad and would nuzzle at my hand and lick like mad, and push her head against me.
The other thing that has been such a massive help, has been all the people on this forum. All the love and understanding from people who are feeling those same emotions and working through their own grieving. Sharing and talking about our experiences and posting pics and also writing about the special times we shared with our fur /feather babies has helped me to heal, not entirely, I never will, but I am able to see that life is good again. Life has been made so much better by the honour and priviledge of our fur babies sharing their lives with us.
Thinking of you.
Love and hugs
Jan and my Angels and newly rescued fur baby' Pixie' xx

Hi Jan,

Thank you for your compliments about Maggie. She was a good girl, very sweet, she just adored everyone she met. Maggie was a registered therapy dog and loved to do therapy work. People were afraid of her because of the breed she was and the short ear crop did not help. I always felt bad for Maggie when she was excited to meet people and they freaked out over her breed. Poor Maggie was so sensitive that when people did this she would stop in her tracks, stop wiggling, stop wagging her tail and just hang her head, almost in shame. Those who were willing to look past her breed and get to know her found out quickly what a nice dog she was.

Thank you for your words, while I am very sorry that your Noushka left this world as Maggie did and that you do understand because your feelings, regrets & guilt are similar to mine, it is comforting to know someone really understands. Your response means a lot to me.

It seems when I express to the people in my life that I feel like I dumped Maggie they just don't get it or know what to say. One person even said I was just feeling sad for myself (not sad over loosing Maggie) and that I was only worried how it looks (leaving Maggie at a vet clinic even though I knew she was dying). I've had people tell me that I should have brought her home since I knew she was dying. It was also said I was being selfish not wanting her to die at home. These things all add to my guilt and do not help, so now I just do not even bother expressing my feelings when people ask how I am doing.

I have thought that Maggie may have wanted it to be the way it was, like she did not want me to be there or make it harder on me. Perhaps you are right, maybe Noushka and Maggie were so selfless & caring they wanted to go it alone rather than cause us any more hurt.

I've heard that dogs do not fear death and do hope it is true. I so hope Maggie did not suffer and only felt peace as she passed.

I am not sure if my husband feels like he let us down, he does not talk about it and is not ready to. He has more than loosing Maggie to get through...his Mom passed away two months before Maggie did. I do not feel like he let me or Maggie down, I am positive he was only doing what he thought was best for Maggie. I am proud of him for the way he handled everything.

I know Maggie would not want me to be sad yet I cannot help but feel this way, I hope one day it won't be so painful. It will take some time and while I will never stop being sad she is no longer here with me my hope is that I won't always feel this awful.

Jan even as you are working through your own loss you are amazingly strong and it shows in your words of support to others. Thank you for sharing all that you have about your own loss and your girl Noushka, it has helped me.

*hugs*

BullyMama

Hi Bullymama,

How are you doing? I hope you are feeling okay. I was sad to read in your last post about sombody saying that you were just feeling sorry for yourself with regard to putting your Maggie down when she was ill. I also think it's in very poor taste for anyone to say anything about how you handled your dog's passing, we do what we can under the circumstances, and if we could see into the future, we would maybe make other decisions than the ones we made. I am trying not to beat myself up either, as it will get me nowhere. My doggy is gone and there is not one thing I can do about it - except grieve him and remember the really good times (14 years worth!!!) of which there were many. Just remember you cannot change what happened, your Maggie was ill and you did what you thought was right, case closed!

Just wanted to say hello as I had my first 'So are you going to get another dog?' comment yesterday, can you imagine??? It was my friend's husband who said this and when I told my friend she was not in the least bit surprised he said it! They have a new puppy who is about 12 weeks or so and already he is spazzing (for lack of a better word!!) out at it, poor little puppy. I have told her if he gets too crazy with the puppy we will gladly take him (I told her this before Stormy's passing), and I still would.

Anyway, just wanted to say hello to you to see how you were doing today. Hope you have had a good Saturday and that you're not too sad today.

Moira

Stormycloud,

Sorry I did not respond sooner, I needed some time to think and try to work through some unresolved feelings about Maggie's death. Still quite upset. Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate you taking the time to say hello. Hello to you

I sometimes think some people just dont know what to say to those of us who have lost pets, especially if they have not experienced the loss of a pet, but because they feel the need to say something, anything, most comments come without much thought, or insight as to how someone who is trying to grieve may be affected by their comments.

Yes, I can imagine the...'So are you going to get another dog?'...that too seems to be a standard comment. While we are trying to grieve, others just seem to think getting another pet will solve everything and make things easier. Maybe there is some truth to it, but I am not a believer. Having other pets in the home when you loose one does help you go on with your day to day, but adding a brand new pet while grieving is not something to be looked at as a way to fast track getting over the loss of your pet.

Hope you are doing well.

*hugs*

BullyMama

Hi Maggie's Mom. I just read your post and I'm sorry that Maggie passed away and how it happened. We lost our cat Frasier last August (we had him put to sleep at our house) and our now losing his brother Niles. I've gone over all the different scenarios that could possibly happen and I've worried about being in the situation you were in. I know there aren't words to relieve the blame you're putting on yourself about how she died. I know that your logical mind tells you that she knew you loved her (and it's obvious you certainly did and still do) but your emotional mind wants to torture you. I don't know why we are that way.
If you're anything like me, you've probably obsessed over what her last moments must have been like. I so wish I had words to comfort you. The only thing I can say is that on Frasier's last day when his kidneys completely shut down and his heart was failing and his colon had stopped working, my sweet vet explained that an animal's body has the unique ability to release some sort of chemical which helps to sedate and calm him/her as the body shuts down. Even though Frasier was on the verge of going into seizures, he didn't seem to be feeling any pain. I'm sure Maggie must have experienced that too. It made me feel better to think it anyway.
But as you read other posts you'll realize like I did that no matter how it happens, we feel guilt. There's so many unknowns. I guess we feel like we have to punish ourselves for not being able to save them. I don't know. But when you're feeling guilty and thinking that if only you'd brought her home and she could've died in your arms with you comforting her, remember that in all those unknowns is also the "what if you brought her home and she ended up suffering a horrible death in your arms and you would have those images in your head forever." (that's a weird run-on sentence) But at least this way, you can sometimes let yourself believe that it could've been peaceful even though you weren't there. And I know you know that animals usually go off on their own, if they can, when it's their time. I don't know. I'm probably not helping at all and I'm sorry. I just read alot of myself in what you were saying. So I figure you're beating yourself up like I beat myself up. I've been over Frasier's sickness and death a million times. I come up with something else to feel guilty about every time. And now I'm doing it with Niles. I've second-guessed every step of the way. My heart goes out to you and I pray that you will endure this time of intense grief and guilt. Dogs love us unconditionally so you know Maggie's not blaming you. And I'm sure she didn't like it when you were sad. You don't ever know when her little spirit might be sitting next to you. She wouldn't want you hurt.
I know I've rambled and I'm sorry. My heart is so heavy these days, I guess I have alot to get out. I hope I haven't come across in a cold way because I certainly didn't mean to. This forum is such a great place to be hugged by people who know EXACTLY what you're feeling even when you feel like no one could possibly understand.
-Donna

Hi Maggie's Mom--

I've been absent a lot from the Forum lately, just working on my own issues and taking a break from the pain of all this, which I find I have to do from time to time, even though I'm relatively new here too. But I wanted to say hello, and that I hear and feel your exquisite pain, especially over the way that you imagine that Maggie left this world.

How are you doing with it all today?

Second-guessing our actions is a cruel trick that our minds play on us--I keep reiterating to everyone here that they acted with the BEST POSSIBLE INFORMATION THAT THEY HAD AT THE TIME, and that's true of you too. You conceded to your husband's wishes, which was not an unnatural thing to do either. It is true that often animals crawl off to die alone, and it is said that more patients die alone in the middle of the night in hospitals than at any other time of the day. The thinking behind that is that it may be so painful for the dying person to cause pain to their loved ones by leaving them that they just can't leave when the loved ones are around. I don't know if this is true, but it's certainly been true in my life.

My Poppers, for example, who died back in December, not long before Christmas-- I had been up with her most of the night for two solid nights and I was exhausted. So I finally decided to try to grab a dog-nap, and she died without me while I was asleep, although we were in the same room. One of my past dogs died an agonizing death in my arms, the victim of poisoning. It's just not always as we think it "should" be, is it?

I am so sorry for the circumstances surrounding Maggie's death, but please try not to torture yourself over it. She may have been so sick by that time that she wasn't even cognizant of whether anyone else was there or not, sad as it is to think about that. I know that when I came within a heartbeat of death, by that time, I didn't care at all if anyone was there with me or not.

Like Donna, I don't mean to sound cold, because my heart really goes out to you big-time, and I have nothing but empathy for your loss of Maggie and your situation. Please be gentle on yourself!

Big Hugs--Margi and Ladywolf

Donna & Margi,

Please forgive me for how long it took for me to respond and for replying to both of you in just one reply.

Thanks so much to both of you for taking the time to read what I have written and to respond. Neither of you came off as cold in anyway. I appreciate everything that you both have written, especially where it came from, your hearts.

With that being said, I realize everyone on the forum has their own pain & sadness they are dealing with. To read into what another has selflessly shared and view it as cold would be to disrespect why we are all here. I have a great deal of respect for everyone who has experienced the loss of a pet and who is strong enough to share their feelings in an effort to help others.

While I am truly sorry to hear that your hearts are broken and that you grieve the loss of your own dear furry babies, I am thankful that you both have shared your feelings with me.

Reading your words and learning of your feelings does really help, it is a comfort and this is something you both know. Strangely there is great comfort in knowing that people here truly understand.

Donna, the point you bring up about what if I brought her home and she ended up suffering a horrible death in my arms and the images that would have left is something I had not thought of, and I thank you for bringing this to me. You are right in saying that at least the way it happened allows me to sometimes believe that she left peacefully. You are also right in thinking that I beat myself up and go over her sudden illness and death over and over again. Doing so almost does not help because like you said you just find something else to feel guilty about. I am sorry that you do this to yourself. You are right dogs do love unconditionally. Maggie was a sensitive dog who never wanted anyone to be sad, especially over her. You did not ramble and I found comfort in all that you wrote, start to finish. Thank you!

Margi, I understand you being absent from the forum. While I appreciate everyone here and sympathize with each and every loss, I also find that I need to break from the forum. Although being here is comforting it can sometimes become overwhelming due to all the pain and sadness that is shared. Thank you for asking how I am. The answer, the same. No better, no worse. It is to be expected since she has only been gone for a little over 2 months. I know it is going to take time for me to work through every feeling, each guilt, and all the sadness. All that you have written makes sense and has helped. Knowing Maggie I am sure she did not want to die in front of me. Earlier last year when she was quite ill she did not want to be around us and would go off to rest in a back bedroom. She would ignore us if we went to fuss over her. Thinking back on it almost every time she was not feeling well she would go off on her own. It was almost like she was ashamed she was sick and did not want to cause anyone any trouble over it. Thank you for sharing about Poppers. Thank you for all that you wrote!

*hugs*

BullyMama