Hello to all. I haven't been on the forum in awhile and I feel bad that I haven't been able to offer support to y'all. Some of you may know me from "Frasier's Story". If you've read it, then you know we lost Frasier last August. My immeasurable grief has been the same as all of yours. Unfortunately we share that in common.
I'm not ready to tell everything yet but we are now losing Frasier's littermate, Niles. He is dying of kidney failure. That's the first time I've said it that way and the tears are welling up in my eyes to the point I can't see. We just found out last week and I'm dealing with getting ready. So many of you know what I mean. To make matters worse, we had our dog Buck rechecked for his kidney values last week as he has been in compensated kidney failure for a year now and his numbers had taken a dramatic jump. He is doing very well though so we are just thankful for each day we have him.
I'll talk more later and again, I'm sorry to all of you who have come here to the forum since the last time I was on and I didn't offer support. I was pushing myself away from this website in denial that Niles might be leaving me.
My broken heart goes out to all of you as I know yours is broken too.
-Donna

I remember you and Frasier. You really do have my sympathy Donna, I know how much you loved Frasier and how you grieved for him when he passed and the prospect of losing Niles so soon after him is devastating news. We all share and understand each others grief here, because we all share an undying love and bond with our beautiful God given angel creatures. You and Niles and Buck are in my thoughts and prayers, hugs xx

madi xx

Dear Donna--Oh, do I feel for you and with you. I am in a similar circumstance--I lost my beloved Poppers just before Christmas, and then waited to take Ladywolf in for a definitive cancer diagnosis until after the holidays. These two girls were--are--my lifeblood. Lady is hanging in darned well, given her situation, but it's almost impossible to believe that I will lose one not too long after the other...and Ladywolf is my true soulmate.

I'm so sorry about Niles, and also about Buck----and about Frasier. That's a lot to take all at once. Were--are they--all about the same age? If so, that's the problem with having "generations" of pets--they tend to leave you all at once. But maybe your's are all different ages?

My heart is with you. Don't worry about not being around here to post words of support to other people. This can be a tough place to hang out--it takes a lot of strength. One post in the past couple of weeks threw me so much that I couldn't hang around for days after--but the person who posted had the need, the right, and the desire to be here. We helped a bit, I hope.

Our hearts are with you in this stressful, painful time.

Hugs==Margi and Ladywolf

Thinking of you dear Donna and sending love and hugs and prayers for you and your Niles and Buck.Your darling Angel Frasier will be watching over you all.

Jan and my Angels xx

Hi, Donna, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Frasier, and now with the reality of your anticipatory grief with your precious Niles and Buck. Like Ladywolf and so many others in this wonderful forum, I, too, understand what you are going through. If you read the thread "Oslo" then you know I lost my beloved 15 year old Black Lab last Thanksgiving weekend, 2009, due to a stroke. And if you've read my thread in Pet Sickness on "Abbygayle's Cancer", then you know my beautiful 6 year old kitty daughter has Stage III Fibrosarcoma, which after three surgeries in a 6 month time frame the tumors are coming back faster and more aggressive. No more surgeries.

It is never easy losing a beloved companion regardless of the circumstances of how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. The grief that we go through with each loss is uniquely painful because of the unique relationship we have shared. There is no "getting used to" losing a beloved companion regardless if it's our first experience or our thousandth - -. Anticipatory Grief is difficult because we "know" that our beloved companion's time is limited but we cling to them even harder while they are still physically with us. But "knowing" that our time is limited with them does not diminish the total devastation that we feel when their physical journey on this side of eternity with us is ended.

It is comforting to know that we can come together here in this forum to share our hearts -- broken and healing - - so that we can find comfort and courage while we travel through our grief healing journeys. So, Donna, please know that we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Donna, and please let us know how things are going.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you all so very much for your comforting words. I've read everyone's stories before and followed your grief. This site is a wonderful place to come and be "petted". As much as it hurts my feelings on Frasier's behalf, I have to admit that Niles is my soulmate kitty. We have a level of communication I've not had with an animal before. Frasier was a lovebug and comedian but always instinctively fearful. He was built like a tank but was complete mush on the inside. He was so much fun. I miss him beyond words! Niles has always appeared to be more frail but he is the tank on the inside. He is a trooper but I truly believe he knows I've always tried to help him when he didn't feel well. He trusts me and I feel an incredible sense of responsibility to make him as comfortable as I can. "The brothers" (as I've always called them) were as close to being my true children as they could possibly be. My heart aches to think of no more litter in our bed (I know that's gross) and no more screaming babies at dinner time. No more warm little loaves enticing me to stay in bed on my days off.....Now I've gone to a place I don't want to be yet so I will stop writing for now. I'm working very hard on trying to stay as positive as I can because I know that's what Niles will respond best to. I haven't mentioned Buck but please don't think he is any less important or special to me. That dog is a true miracle and such a blessing to have! My husband and I have always joked that Buck doesn't think he's part of the family, he thinks he's part of the marriage! He is just the best dog we could've asked for. The best $50 I ever spent! And I bet many of you who might read this will shake your head in agreement thinking of your own babies:) They are all different but they are all the best and perfect, aren't they? Dogs have so much to teach us.
I'll come back later after I've swallowed this lump in my throat. Thank you again for your words.
-Donna

I totally understand how you feel, we lost 2 cats in 2009, it was hard. I find it difficult to enter this forum and read the stories sometimes, it brings back too many sad memories. But then there are the good memories, and they come out too.

Our companions always leave us much too soon, although mostly after a normal lifespan for them. Enjoy your animals, make memories, take pictures, write down the funny stuff, you'll appreciate it when they're gone.

I meant to do this last night and didn't....
Madi, thank you for your thoughts and prayers and your sweet words about my love for Frasier. Just reading what you wrote touched my heart.
Ladywolf, I know your story too. I read it as you posted so I know how hard losing Poppers was and is and I know you've agonized over Ladywolf. You really do know my current anguish. Niles is 15 and Buck is 11. I knew when I got Niles and Frasier that I could lose them either close to one another or for the same problems. What I didn't think about 4 years later was that getting a big dog meant that all 3 would probably go near each other. Our home will be so empty. Thank you for replying to me.
Jan, thank you for saying "darling Angel Frasier". That's exactly how I refer to him too. Each morning when I say my blessing for breakfast, I make sure I thank God for Niles, Buck, and Angel Frasier.
Moonbeam, yes I remember your thread about Oslo. I followed your story back at Thanksgiving. The things you said about Oslo reminded me of Buck who is a lab/golden retriever mix. I have to admit, though, I avoided your thread about Abbygayle's cancer because at the time I was afraid that cancer was what Niles had. Too often I let my mind go to dark places long before the situation has even presented itself so I wouldn't read it for that reason. It's selfish, I know, and I'm sorry. I really battle with worrying too soon and making up awful scenarios in my head. I will read it when I can. Thank you so much.
And Jasonsmom, I remember you losing 2 babies last year. Every time I see your little picture it reminds me so much of a cat I used to have. I think we talked about that once. Thank you for your comforting words and thoughts. I really do appreciate it more than you know.
-Donna

Hi, Donna. Just checking in with you to see how things are going. Please know that I do understand your avoidance of my posts on "Abbygayle's Cancer." No need to go someplace that you know you just can't handle. There are posts that I read through as well that I just can't respond to because of my inability to "handle" the circumstances at that particular time. But I do keep them in my thoughts and prayers, and know they will receive comfort and support from the wonderful folks who post on this forum. So, please know that I do understand. I hope today has been a decent day for you and every member of your family. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers and will look forward to knowing how things are going for you.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

so sorry to read about Niles, it is way too soon after your beloved Frasier left!!
I will touch base again soon but just wanted to drop you a quick note to say I am thinking about you as I have since last Fall.

Nutmeg & Mama

To anyone who might read this:
I need help. My cat, Niles, is not doing well. He is very anemic and getting weaker. I know that I am watching him begin to die and my heart is breaking inside my chest. I'm not having a good day at all. It's so hard because you have to keep functioning in the world while you're dying on the inside.
Each day since Frasier died I have at least shed one tear for him. Now that we are at this dreaded place with Niles and it is so soon after Frasier died, I feel like I've never moved from this place. It's like death has been happening for months. I'm much more exhausted this time. I guess because I still have grief for Frasier hanging over me and weighing me down. My only comfort is that soon "the brothers" will be together again.
I'm scared, tired, and depressed.
-Donna

I just logged in for the first time in a while tonight and I am so sorry to see this sad news. I do remember Frasier and I know how hard his loss was for you and I can't imagine losing another baby so soon after that. I wish I could say something to ease your pain but I know there just are no words that can help. It's like nothing can help, all you need is your baby to be well. So just know I am thinking of you and Niles tonight.

Magdalene

I just read about your Niles taking a drastic turn for the worse in another post, I am so sorry Donna! Too soon after Frasier, my thoughts will be with you in the next coming weeks, take care.

Nutmeg

Thank you Magdalene and Mynutmeg. I hope you are both doing ok. Niles is holding on and we aren't convinced yet that he has given up. It's a minute by minute thing. I'll be with him all day tomorrow so I hope to get a good sense of what he's feeling. We're force feeding him to try to give him some strength back. My vet said to give him this whole week since he's such a fighter. I feel he's just too tired to come back this time. I had a panic attack last night out of the blue and couldn't breathe. That's the first time that has happened. I feel like he's being pulled from my chest and like I'm losing Frasier all over again. It's hard to let go of 15 years.
Thank you for thinking of me. I need supportive thoughts sent my way, for sure.
-Donna

Donna, I am so sorry to read about Niles. I lost my sweet Charlie (a Westie) just this past Friday, only a week before his 9th birthday this coming Saturday, of the same disease. I also lost a cat to kidney failure some years ago, as well as another dog, so I have a pretty good idea what you're going through. It's a terrible thing to watch a beloved pet fade away like that, especially so soon after losing Frasier. Stay strong and make the most of the time you have. I know Niles appreciates your love and care. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Barbara

Donna, I'm so sorry to read about your lovely Niles, it's so heartbreaking to watch them decline. I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you.

Irene

Hi, Donna, just letting you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. How well I understand your exhaustion - - I feel the same way, and my heart goes out to you. Words seem so inadquate sometimes in expressing the empathy that is heartfeltly shared. But even when words just seem to totally escape, please know - - always and once again - - that you are close in my thoughts and prayers, and we are here for you.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you to everyone for your comforting words. The support I get from y'all really helps me cope. You know when you go through this, you feel so alone because no one can experience it for you or grieve for you. But knowing that other people have been through this exact experience (even though I'd rather no one go through it) really helps me to calm down.
Barbara, thank you for sharing your kidney stories. Your phrase "fade away" couldn't be more appropriate. That's exactly what he's doing - fading away. I'm sorry you've been through it too - and so many times!
Irene and Moonbeam, thank you also. Irene, it is heartbreaking. I feel such a heaviness in my heart. I remember when Frasier died I felt physical chest pain. This morning that feeling has returned. Moonbeam, thank you for mentioning the exhaustion. I feel like a wimp sometimes but I think I'm more mentally exhausted than anything. All the constant thoughts that run through my head wear me out. Should I go check on him, have I spent enough time in the room with him, should I stay with him constantly, should I try to feed him again, should I take him to the litterbox, have we done the right things, has he given up, is he trying to tell me something, does he know I could end this for him, is he ready, am I ready, if I made the decision today could I live with it, and on and on and on. The noise in my head is suffocating!
Today is a really hard day, I'm home alone and there's no end in sight to my grief. I don't know what Buck knows but he's has stuck to me today like glue. That's unusual. My husband just called while I was writing this and he spoke to the vet this morning. He is my former employer and in all the years I worked for him, I always saw him make conservative decisions. I don't remember him ever telling someone it was too soon (not that he was eager to euthanize). He would always try to take the owner's needs into account as well as the pet's. He told my husband not to give up yet! I can't believe it. He said knowing Niles' history, he knows what a fighter he is and we should not make a decision until Monday. I'm relieved but confused because I sense that Niles may be giving up. More noise in my head.......
-Donna

Dear friends, this afternoon Niles has taken another turn for the worse. My vet is unable to get to me until possibly tomorrow morning. My only options are to let someone I don't know put him to sleep at the office (and we really wanted to do it at home) or chance it until the morning. I just don't know if Niles can last and am dreadfully afraid of what the rest of this day & evening may hold. I'm panicking. I want to do what is best for him but I don't know what that is. I'm trying to sort through our wants and his needs. I expect that my next post will be to tell you all that he has passed. Please pray that it will be peaceful whereever it happens.
Oh sweet Niles, Mommy's special friend! I love you I love you I love you. I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so sorry.

Donna, I am so sorry to hear of Niles today, is he suffering right now ? if not and if you think he may not make until morning then I would leave him home til morning but if you think his death would be one that create pain & suffering then I don't know...just hold and love him right now is best advice I can give. So sorry my friend, Hugs & tears for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Donna, please know you and Niles are in my thoughts and prayers. I do so understand how torn apart you are feeling - - the constant wondering and the realization each day that it is closer to the time when your precious Niles' sweet physical presence will no longer be with you. I struggled with the decision about Abbygayle. I had thought that she might be able to "hang in" until yesterday - - Wednesday - - knowing that I already had today off from work. But Monday when I got home from work I knew that she didn't have the strength to endure another 48 hours - - 48 hours that would have been agony for her. Dr. Bolen and I talked about it, and she said that she would be more than willing to give her subQ fluids to help her through those remaining hours, but I just couldn't put my precious baby girl through that. Dear Donna, I know you will do what is best for your precious Niles - - your love for him will not fail you. Please know I am holding your hand across the miles hoping you can feel the comfort. Please let us know how things go, Donna, and please know you and Niles are in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam