I had my 7 month old Bengal kitten put to sleep one year ago and I am still filled with unrelenting anguish.

I miss him so much, I never had a pet like him before. I've had pets all of my life but never had I ever been so attached to an animal before. He was the light of my life from day one. He was so smart and so funny; every day he would make me laugh out loud. I swear he'd do his little antics on purpose just to hear me laugh. Being a Bengal, he was almost like a little puppy. He would greet me at the door, come running whenever I called him (if he wasn't already by my side), he was learning tricks as fast as I could teach him. I loved the little guy with my heart and sole.

I don't know if he was showing signs of sickness from day one or not. He slept so much. It didn't seem normal to me. I looked it up on the internet and it saw it said kittens sleep a lot so I thought everything was alright. I would just cuddle him all night and carry him around in my arms when I had to get up. (I joked to my family that I was going to have to get one of those slings for him that you carry babies around in). I have later read that this was not a good sign.

One thing he did do was cry. He would have a loud screeching cry for 45 minutes every night when I got home. There wasn't anything I could do to console him. I cuddled him, played with him, gave him treats. Cry, cry, cry until he got it out of his system! He wasn't alone much because I work close to home. I had taken time off and it was holiday season so we spent much time together. I was hoping he would adjust because I didn't want another cat but that wasn't happening. I just wanted to make the little guy's life the very best I could and he wanted a friend.

So, I made a dreadful mistake. I called back the place I got him from and made arrangements to buy another kitten for him. When I brought the kitten home, she was full-fledged sick with a horrible URI. She even almost stopped breathing one night, she was so ill. (She was sick and on multiple medications for months from it, among other things). Her vet said she had been sick for a long time before she was sold to me.

My little boy of course got sick. I brought him to 5 vets to try to help him. He was unresponsive to all the treatments they were giving him. He had horrible eye infections. We did eye medications for weeks and weeks. He was in so much pain. The last medicine they gave him was an anti-viral medication. I had to give it to him every 4 hours so I'd set my alarm clock to make sure I didn't miss a dose. I didn't even go out to do Christmas shopping that year because I was afraid I'd be gone longer than the 4 hours. I didn't even care, I just wanted to see him well. The medicine was awful, I'll never forget he'd make a little squeak sound when I was about to medicate him I went from laughing with him every day to crying myself to sleep each night because he wasn't getting better. The medicine didn't work and omg, his eye ruptured I was completely out of my mind trying to contemplate how much agony that caused him. He spent New Year's in the hospital having surgery. I thought that was going to be the end of his pain but it was just an on-slot of problems. He didn't recover from the surgery and ended up getting an infection at the site. I came home at lunch to find the whole incision busted and oozing. I have such awful memories.

They started treating my kittens for giardia and come to find out, they also had allergies. My boy was licking all of his fur off. His tummy was bloody raw. It was so, so sad. He was sneezing still from what they said was the Herpes Virus and his only eye remaining would still gunk up. I just wanted him to be pain free, it so wasn't fair. I was doing the supplements and all the medications, he just wasn't well. I was told that other people's cats were getting chronic bladder infections, unresponsive to treatment. And sure enough, my boy started using the litter box repetitively. His vet said that he felt his immune system was compromised and his symptoms were chronic in nature (hereditary). On top of all these issues, his report says he had enlarged submandibular lymph nodes. I don't know if that was from the bladder infection or was something else. All of this was within a 3 1/2 month span that I owned him. At that moment I felt it was so selfish to leave him to suffer but now I think that I feel more pain than he ever would. I wish I could cuddle him just one more time.

Dear Shimla--

I am so so sad for you and your loss of your precious kitty at such a tender age. How very sad, no wonder you are grieving so much.

The key phrase I saw in your posting was: "His vet said that he felt his immune system was compromised and his symptoms were chronic in nature (hereditary)." In all likelihood, there was nothing else you could have done but what you did. If you took him to five vets, you were obviously totally dedicated to his well-being. It's so sad that some of our fur-friends are born with the same kinds of immune problems that humans have.

Try not to spend too much time in guilt--you did EVERYTHING you could have. I just feel so sorry that you got into this situation in the first place.

Hard as it is, try to treasure your memories of this loved one who so enchanted you. He was obviously magic for you.

Our hearts are with you--

Margi and Ladywolf (who has serious cancer)

So sorry to hear about this terrible fate for your beloved friend. I think that where you bought your kitties from seems to be a pretty unreputable place if they sold you such a sick kitten. Sorry for your and your babies terrible experience.

Hi, Shimla, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved companion. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. When we adopt a new companion there are no guarantees about their health. Their physical bodies are identical to ours, and are therefore subject to the same types of health issues that affect humans, including genetic illnesses. Your precious kitten knows that he was loved and knows that you did everything within your power to help him. And I do say "knows" - - present tense - - because he is now enjoying playing with the angels in heaven's perfect garden patiently waiting until your appropriate time to join him in eternal joy. When you released him from his failing physical body he took a part of you - - the better part of you - - that you surrendered to him and only to him. And this is one of the many reasons why it hurts so much - - both physically and emotionally - - when they precede us from this side of eternity. Shimla, losing a beloved companion is one of the hardest experiences we will have on this side of eternity, and there will always be a part of us that will grieve their physical absence. But you have shared with us some really wonderful memories of your precious companion, and it is these memories that your beloved companion wants you to hold onto - - the ones that will bring joy to your heart having had him in your life - - even for the brief time that it was. I wish I had some magic words that could ease the pain in your heart from the horrible ordeal you and your precious companion went through, but I don't. But I do hope you know that you do have my very heartfelt sympathies, and I am so glad you found this forum to share with us what you have gone through so that we can offer you encouragement and comfort. Shimla, please know that each of us do know the deep sadness and sorrow that you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. And please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

So very, very sorry, Shimla. What a terrible thing to have to remember. But, as the others have pointed out, you did everything you could. You could not have known any of this was going to happen. He sounds like a very special boy, and we all hurt with you for what he, and you, went through together. Suffering is temporary. Love is eternal.

Thank you very much for writing to me, everyone. I'm very sorry that you are all here, too. I haven't gone in to read everyone's stories, but I will. I was just skipping around looking for a similar situation to mine. There weren't any.

I wasn't going to write because I couldn't imaging what anyone could say to make me feel any better. Now I have to say different because the words I'm reading seem to lesson my sorrow some. It gives me some peace at the thought that this big, gaping hole in my heart isn't just an empty space, but it's a piece of me that is with him. It must take strength to write in to others when your in the midst of your own pain, it is very much appreciated.

One of the really hard things for me to reconcile (which isn't in my first post) was that there were things done (and not done) to him. Intentionally, I believe. I don't know how people can be so utterly evil. There were so many things that I learned since I brought him home, none of them less disturbing than the next. I don't really even have any assurance now that he received his vaccinations, honestly. His first 3 1/2 months of life are a mystery to me. If I didn't take the little peanut home, I believe he would have sat in his pen with no veterinarian care. He was in the same pen with all the other kittens, including the second one I bought. He deserved so much better. There was no reason he needed to suffer and be put in harms way; he was just an innocent little creature.

Hi, Shimla, thank you so much for sharing with us about how you're doing. Unfortunately the people that are in our daily lives don't always understand how precious our beloved companions are, and therefore are not as comforting to us as we need them to be, or we'd like them to be. I am so glad you found this forum where you can share your thoughts and feelings with us and know that you will find some comfort and encouragement in responses.

I am so glad your precious little boy found a loving heart and home with you. He needed to know that someone would love him no matter what, and he did. The both of you now have this bond that will forever transcend time and space, and he is forever in your heart as you are in his. Nothing can ever take him away from you again, and the next time you are together at your appropriate time to join him you will be together for all eternity. In the meantime he wants you to treasure the good times that you had together, and the good times that you will share with him tenderly wrapped in your heart as you continue on your journey on this side of eternity. Shimla, please know you are not alone in your grief journey. We are here for you for as long and as often as you need us, and please let us know how you're doing. And please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam