My cat, Nutmeg died about 2 weeks ago. She was 10 years old. She had chronic kidney failure since Feb. 2007. We had been doing sub-q fluids at home for the past 3 years and she did quite well. Two months ago she went downhill a bit and had IV fluids and was doing better for a couple months. Two weeks ago she went downhill again and ended up at the vet on IV fluids. The vet said she thought Nutmeg would benefit from IV fluids and she did not think she was ready to die yet. She was going to stay that day and I would bring her home for the night and take her back in the morning.

I picked her up in the evening. The vet said she had been throwing up so they gave her a shot for nausea. They also said they had a hard time capping off her IV. I got her home and took her out of the carrier and she just wasn't right. Her mouth was open and her tongue was sticking out and she just seemed not there mentally. When I had brought her in earlier in the day she seemed pretty good. Happy and running around and being her normal self except she was refusing to eat, so this was a drastic change from how she was earlier in the day. I rushed her back to the vet. They put her on some oxygen for a bit and they said to take her home and keep an eye on her and let her rest.

I brought her home and she threw up twice. She seemed really out of it. I lay her in my chair to let her rest. She really did not move but I just let her be like the vet said. A few hours passed. I sat next to her the whole time but left her alone. Finally she tried to get up and fell over and flopped on the floor. We knew she was in trouble so we rushed her to the emergency vet. When we got to the the vet we took her out of the carrier and lay her on the table. Within a minute or two she just stopped breathing right in front of us. Her heart was still beating but we chose to euthanise since she was not breathing. The emergency vet said it seemed like her problem seemed neurological and maybe she was having seizures.

I just feel so aweful about what happened. We had spent 3 years caring for Nutmeg with the kidney failure. We took such good care of her all of that time and I just feel like I failed her miserably on that last day. I don't know what happened. I don't know if she was suffering and that just eats me up inside. The only thing that comforts me is knowing that she is not suffering now but it doesn't help all that much.

I did speak to my regular vet after this all happened and she said maybe Nutmeg couldn't metabolize the shot or maybe she got some vomit in her lungs. I don't really buy either of these explainations. I do not think she went into kidney failure because her bloodwork was not that bad earlier in the day. I just wish I knew what happened. I just can't get past the guilt of that day. I try to act like I am okay, but deep down it invades my thoughts constantly. I just have the images in my head and can't seem to get over it.

Thanks for listening. I think I just needed to write it all down.

galadalime,

Writing does seem to help sometimes and i'm so glad you have found this site. It truely can help.

I'm so sorry for your loss of Nutmeg. Don't let the guilt consum you. I think we all go through feeling the guilt. It is just one of the many feeling we have. You sound like a wonderfull caring person that did all you could for your Nutmeg!!!!! I'm sure she thanked you for that and all the good times you had together.

If it helps we would like to hear more stories of your Nutmeg or if you have pictures to post.

Hugs to you and your furangel Nutmeg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi, Galadalime, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Nutmeg. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Many years ago I, too, lost a beloved cat and a beloved dog from chronic kidney failure. And yes, the blood work can go from good to irreversible bad within hours. When they are on the IV drip the blood work can improve dramatically. The "proof" of the results of the IV usually happens when the IV is stopped. Vomitting is a clear indication of complete kidney failure as well. The body cannot metabolize fluids - - not even water. You gave your precious Numeg the most heroic of measures to try to keep her comfortable and happy, and to let her know that she was loved through the very end of her journey on this side of eternity. What you are feeling is natural grief, Galadalime. Guilt is one of the hardest components of grief we experience because we are looking back at what we "might have been able to do" or "should have been able to do" or "why wasn't I able to do", etc.. You did the very best you could by Nutmeg, and she knows that. And she knows that she is forever in your heart and memories which carried her safely to the angels where she is waiting patiently for you to join her at your appropriate time. This grief journey is one of the hardest experiences we will have because our beloved companions have given to us their unconditional love and undivided attention, and we in turn have surrendered ourselves to them completely. This is one of the many reasons why it hurts so bad - - both physically and emotionally - - when they leave us because they do take the better part of us that we surrender to them, and only to them. Galadalime, please know you are among friends here who do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please don't think that you should "get over" the precious life you shared with Nutmeg. There will be good days come when you can remember her with a smile on your face, but right now the loss of her is very painful in your heart and your daily life. This grief journey is a one day at a time journey, and please know you are not alone. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Galadalime, I am so sorry for your loss of Nutmeg, it is so sad when you lose a beloved fur baby that you have cared for and devoted your life to for as long as you have. If Nutmeg has had kidney failure since 2007, you have done a fantastic job of keeping her going this long. Kidney failure in itself is not a painful way to go because the toxins build up in the body and numb the pain and animals, as in humans are usually not aware of much that is going on. If anyone should "not" feel guilty, it's you. What a loving and caring person Nutmeg was lucky enough to have in you. Hugs xx

madi xx

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please try not to feel guilty. I know that's easier said than done. You took wonderful care of Nutmeg for three years and you definitely did not fail her at the end. You took her to the vet right away but there was just nothing that could be done. You were there with her at the end and I'm sure she was comforted by that.

Magdalene

I too am so sorry for your loss of Nutmeg. It sounds to me as if you did everything you possibly could have, right up to the last minute, and I certainly applaud you for treating her kidney disease so well for so long. A pet with kidney disease is in a compromised position, for sure, and probably wouldn't be expected to live the very long life that some cats can. It sounds like you were a fantastic mommy to Nutmeg.

As others have said, please don't beat yourself up with guilt. Guilt is such an evil seductress- it tends to blot out all the good feelings we can have about our pets and our choices. I know it's hard to avoid it, but please try to give yourself a break. It sounds as if there was very little, if anything, that you could have done differently from what you did, right up to the final moments.

Nutmeg had great care--try as best you can to celebrate her life, when you can. She was a lucky kitty to have you!

Hugs--

Margi and Ladywolf (who is dying of cancer right now)