Full Version: How Do You Deal With The Numbness...
I go from having an I could give a crap about the world attitude to having deep sadness, and back and forth. I realize this is grief, but I actually think I would like this stupid coping mechanism (numbness) to go away, so I can grieve properly for my dear Oscar. When I feel numb it feels like it's not real (he died last Tuesday) like I sometimes look at his picture or see something of his, and not only does his death not seem real, but in this numb feeling it doesn't even seem like HE was real. I actually kind of wish that I would just cry non-stop, at least then I would feel normal. I feel like I sound crazy, and maybe I do, but I thought you guys might understand this and just need some support in my insane moments. Also, my husband doesn't seem to be showing any grief. I mean he is trying to be there for me, and says he misses Oscar, but it just does not seem to effect him in near the way it effects me. This kinda adds to my insanity.
QUOTE (earsl @ Jan 24 2010, 12:48 AM) 
I go from having an I could give a crap about the world attitude to having deep sadness, and back and forth. I realize this is grief, but I actually think I would like this stupid coping mechanism (numbness) to go away, so I can grieve properly for my dear Oscar. When I feel numb it feels like it's not real (he died last Tuesday) like I sometimes look at his picture or see something of his, and not only does his death not seem real, but in this numb feeling it doesn't even seem like HE was real. I actually kind of wish that I would just cry non-stop, at least then I would feel normal. I feel like I sound crazy, and maybe I do, but I thought you guys might understand this and just need some support in my insane moments. Also, my husband doesn't seem to be showing any grief. I mean he is trying to be there for me, and says he misses Oscar, but it just does not seem to effect him in near the way it effects me. This kinda adds to my insanity.
Hello Dearest Earsl,
Yes. I know exactly what you're talking about and want to get answers to you quick, fast and in a hurry so will link you to a post found in the "Pet Loss Support Resources and Articles" right here at LS. These articles are authored by Veterinarians and Physicians who specialize in Pet Loss. All you're experiencing right now will be validated. It sure may feel like you're going nuts, but you aren't. I'll begin composing a more personal message to you right away, but I want to get you this initial help as fast as possible. I can feel your pain, anguish, confusion and hear you weep. So, please begin here and I'll get back as soon as I'm able. Please know that I do type slowly but will hurry as fast as I can.
Here's the direct link so you won't have to hunt it down. Please click below.
Your Fur Child Loss Devastation -
You Are Not Going "Insane" -
Emotions and Behavior Caused By Pet Loss
Many Comforting Hugs to you and your Angel Fur Child Oscar!
I Wish You Peace!
Always,
Dottie xoxoxox
Thank You AngelCareOne, I read all the articles and they were very helpful.
I am still not ready to write the whole story of what happened with Oscar but basically he had some choking noises, the vet couldn't find anything wrong, even said (volunteered) he wasn't near death and then that weekend (a few days later) developed bloat and died two days later from complications. As I am writing this it doesn't seem real and I am so ANGRY and in DENIAL. I am obsessing BIG TIME. I know this is normal, but if I am reading correctly it says to choose not to obsess, is that right? I thought I needed to get these feelings out. At what point am I obsessing, guilting, blaming too much and need to CHOOSE not to do so?
I am still not ready to write the whole story of what happened with Oscar but basically he had some choking noises, the vet couldn't find anything wrong, even said (volunteered) he wasn't near death and then that weekend (a few days later) developed bloat and died two days later from complications. As I am writing this it doesn't seem real and I am so ANGRY and in DENIAL. I am obsessing BIG TIME. I know this is normal, but if I am reading correctly it says to choose not to obsess, is that right? I thought I needed to get these feelings out. At what point am I obsessing, guilting, blaming too much and need to CHOOSE not to do so?
Hello Earsl,
Please accept my apologies for taking so long to get back with you. It is a great relief to me that you did read the material at the links I provided. I'm trying to remember who I posted in detail what I wish to tell you regarding what you just asked and cannot locate that post. So, I'm going to type it all out again right now. Please forgive my slow typing. Firstly, I completely respect you not being ready to talk about any specifics at this time. It took me months and months before I began to really open up regarding my loss. I too am still feeling angry, guilty and all round devastated so you're not alone, Dear One. It's very important that you take all the time in the world that you need or wish and share what you want and when you're ready. Remember to take baby steps and be very kind to you! You're obviously in a fragile state right now. It's also obvious that you're a wonderful fur kid parent! Please never forget that.
Let's get to your questions: "I am obsessing BIG TIME. I know this is normal, but if I am reading correctly it says to choose not to obsess, is that right? I thought I needed to get these feelings out. At what point am I obsessing, guilting, blaming too much and need to CHOOSE not to do so?" Earsl, I'm much, much better after over two years, but I assure you that I was the queen of obsessing, guilting, denial and so much more ... and so much more ... The daily screaming and crying so loud and long that it didn't sound human. I kid you not. Did those sounds come out of me? Yep, they did.
Regarding "choosing not to obsesses" ... That may very well be impossible for you at this point in time, but there are some things you can do about those thoughts, the grief, anger, guilt, denial, devastation and so on. You have to get it out of your system one way or the other or else you're looking at a very good possibility and or probability of a nervous breakdown ... That is if you're not already in the process of a nervous breakdown. Also, all those pent up feelings can and will cause physical illnesses as well as gawd awful body aches and pains. (Note: Please read my profile so you'll see that I know what I'm talking about.) There's high blood pressure, diabetes and even cancer. All those and more have been proven to be brought about by such strong and ongoing emotions as what you are experiencing ...
However, you don't feel up to talking and ought not talk until you're good and ready. Heck, talking might make you feel tons better. However, judging from the little bit you've shared in your two posts, for you to force yourself to talk at this point in time may or may not raise your blood pressure to the point of stroke. Please, do not let me alarm you. I am relating to you the worse case scenarios. Okay? Please understand that because it is very, very important, earsl. So what's the answer? Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling ... And express yourself. Get physical. Hang on now and let me explain ...
There are many things you can do to physically express yourself without harming yourself or anyone else. Knock the snot out of pillows until feathers are flying all over the room. When you're by yourself and out of the ear shot of others ... Shout, yell, scream, curse if you wish. Just make certain that you're somewhere either by yourself or with a pal or pals who understand and know what you're trying to accomplish. Also, you sure as heck don't want anyone hearing you pull those fits then call the police. Oy.
In addition to the above tantrum throwing that I've described, you can throw and break things AS LONG AS YOU DO NOT HURT YOURSELF OR ANYONE ELSE. Please pardon the caps. Me? I took some old lamps outside in the back yard and smashed them to smithereens. Felt so good, too. Then, I had to clean up the mess. Still, so worth it.
After the first tantrum and or throwing/hitting/breaking session, you'll find yourself feeling better and closer to being able to talk more. It may take several sessions. Sorry to be redundant, but IT IS OF PARAMOUNT IMPORTANCE THAT YOU DO NOT HARM YOURSELF NOR ANYONE ELSE WHILE SHOUTING, HITTING THINGS, THROWING THINGS, BREAKING THINGS. HARM NO ONE.
You know yourself pretty well, earsl. So please tell me: How does all that I've suggested sound to you? Are you the type person who can do at least some of what I've suggested? Do you feel it would be beneficial to you? What we're trying to achieve is opening up the lid a little bit on that boiler to allow some steam to escape before the kettle explodes while being kind to ourselves and taking baby steps. Do you feel you are capable of "walking your beast" as I've described and do you feel it would help you? Do you wish to give it a try? Please let me know so I may suggest something else if all I've suggested above just isn't feasible for you. There are other things you can do instead. Honest. I look forward to your reply cuz I'm truly concerned about you.
Please write back when you feel up to it. Take your time. I'm not going anywhere.
Many Comforting Hugs! I Wish You Peace!
Always,
Dottie xoxoxox
Please accept my apologies for taking so long to get back with you. It is a great relief to me that you did read the material at the links I provided. I'm trying to remember who I posted in detail what I wish to tell you regarding what you just asked and cannot locate that post. So, I'm going to type it all out again right now. Please forgive my slow typing. Firstly, I completely respect you not being ready to talk about any specifics at this time. It took me months and months before I began to really open up regarding my loss. I too am still feeling angry, guilty and all round devastated so you're not alone, Dear One. It's very important that you take all the time in the world that you need or wish and share what you want and when you're ready. Remember to take baby steps and be very kind to you! You're obviously in a fragile state right now. It's also obvious that you're a wonderful fur kid parent! Please never forget that.
Let's get to your questions: "I am obsessing BIG TIME. I know this is normal, but if I am reading correctly it says to choose not to obsess, is that right? I thought I needed to get these feelings out. At what point am I obsessing, guilting, blaming too much and need to CHOOSE not to do so?" Earsl, I'm much, much better after over two years, but I assure you that I was the queen of obsessing, guilting, denial and so much more ... and so much more ... The daily screaming and crying so loud and long that it didn't sound human. I kid you not. Did those sounds come out of me? Yep, they did.
Regarding "choosing not to obsesses" ... That may very well be impossible for you at this point in time, but there are some things you can do about those thoughts, the grief, anger, guilt, denial, devastation and so on. You have to get it out of your system one way or the other or else you're looking at a very good possibility and or probability of a nervous breakdown ... That is if you're not already in the process of a nervous breakdown. Also, all those pent up feelings can and will cause physical illnesses as well as gawd awful body aches and pains. (Note: Please read my profile so you'll see that I know what I'm talking about.) There's high blood pressure, diabetes and even cancer. All those and more have been proven to be brought about by such strong and ongoing emotions as what you are experiencing ...
However, you don't feel up to talking and ought not talk until you're good and ready. Heck, talking might make you feel tons better. However, judging from the little bit you've shared in your two posts, for you to force yourself to talk at this point in time may or may not raise your blood pressure to the point of stroke. Please, do not let me alarm you. I am relating to you the worse case scenarios. Okay? Please understand that because it is very, very important, earsl. So what's the answer? Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling ... And express yourself. Get physical. Hang on now and let me explain ...
There are many things you can do to physically express yourself without harming yourself or anyone else. Knock the snot out of pillows until feathers are flying all over the room. When you're by yourself and out of the ear shot of others ... Shout, yell, scream, curse if you wish. Just make certain that you're somewhere either by yourself or with a pal or pals who understand and know what you're trying to accomplish. Also, you sure as heck don't want anyone hearing you pull those fits then call the police. Oy.
In addition to the above tantrum throwing that I've described, you can throw and break things AS LONG AS YOU DO NOT HURT YOURSELF OR ANYONE ELSE. Please pardon the caps. Me? I took some old lamps outside in the back yard and smashed them to smithereens. Felt so good, too. Then, I had to clean up the mess. Still, so worth it.
After the first tantrum and or throwing/hitting/breaking session, you'll find yourself feeling better and closer to being able to talk more. It may take several sessions. Sorry to be redundant, but IT IS OF PARAMOUNT IMPORTANCE THAT YOU DO NOT HARM YOURSELF NOR ANYONE ELSE WHILE SHOUTING, HITTING THINGS, THROWING THINGS, BREAKING THINGS. HARM NO ONE.
You know yourself pretty well, earsl. So please tell me: How does all that I've suggested sound to you? Are you the type person who can do at least some of what I've suggested? Do you feel it would be beneficial to you? What we're trying to achieve is opening up the lid a little bit on that boiler to allow some steam to escape before the kettle explodes while being kind to ourselves and taking baby steps. Do you feel you are capable of "walking your beast" as I've described and do you feel it would help you? Do you wish to give it a try? Please let me know so I may suggest something else if all I've suggested above just isn't feasible for you. There are other things you can do instead. Honest. I look forward to your reply cuz I'm truly concerned about you.
Please write back when you feel up to it. Take your time. I'm not going anywhere.
Many Comforting Hugs! I Wish You Peace!
Always,
Dottie xoxoxox
Hi ears, i think you are still in shock and that's why you are feeling the way you do. I feel so sorry for you, I know the awful emptiness and despair that comes with such a loss. You certainly don't sound crazy or insane to me, you sound just like me when I lost my Ulriich, utterly gutted. Please give your self some time, gees it's only days since your loss. Go with the flow, there is no "normal" proticol that you have to follow with grievng, everyone is different. Please know that I am thinking of you and care about you xx
madi xx
madi xx
Hi Earsl,
Please check your messages. Okay? Okay.
Many Comforting Hugs to you and your Rainbow Bridge Fur Kid Oscar!
Winging more Loving Angels your Way!
Always,
Dottie xoxoxox
Please check your messages. Okay? Okay.
Many Comforting Hugs to you and your Rainbow Bridge Fur Kid Oscar!
Winging more Loving Angels your Way!
Always,
Dottie xoxoxox
Hello Earsl,
Please check your messages again.
Thanks!
Always,
Dottie xoxoxox
Please check your messages again.
Thanks!Always,
Dottie xoxoxox
Dear Earsl,
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It's evident in reading your post that you loved and did so much for your Oscar.
Just wanted to let you know that I too understand the feelings you've had of Oscar not being "real." After my dog Patsy died, mostly in the first 6 months I would say, I experienced those feelings/thoughts of her seeming to have been just a dream (that's how I described it to people closest to me who I thought might understand). Maybe it's because we only had her 2 1/2 years and her auto immune illness came as such a shock...I don't know. But I believe there is something about animals that speaks of another world. Maybe it's that they are so close to their Creator... They are so innocent. They don't get angry and hold grudges with us like people do. They love unconditionally...just as God does.
Take your time to grieve. I know how hard it is. I found a Pet Loss Support Group that met locally; it helped to be around others sharing a similar loss.
Thinking of you,
hope2heal
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It's evident in reading your post that you loved and did so much for your Oscar.
Just wanted to let you know that I too understand the feelings you've had of Oscar not being "real." After my dog Patsy died, mostly in the first 6 months I would say, I experienced those feelings/thoughts of her seeming to have been just a dream (that's how I described it to people closest to me who I thought might understand). Maybe it's because we only had her 2 1/2 years and her auto immune illness came as such a shock...I don't know. But I believe there is something about animals that speaks of another world. Maybe it's that they are so close to their Creator... They are so innocent. They don't get angry and hold grudges with us like people do. They love unconditionally...just as God does.
Take your time to grieve. I know how hard it is. I found a Pet Loss Support Group that met locally; it helped to be around others sharing a similar loss.
Thinking of you,
hope2heal
I am so sorry for your loss of Oscar. That numbness..denial, anger...is all part of the terrible road ahead of you. We all understand, we have been there, and we revisit those feelings often. I was in a shell until about 2 weeks ago (it's been 2 1/2 months since I lost my dear Brutus). The first couple weeks I cried hysterically, couldn't eat, sleep...it was hard to breathe. I would go through all the stages of grief in one day it seemed. I think I have finally found acceptance and peace but as I write this I have a tear in my eye....a tear that I'm not sure will ever dry up...nothing can replace your soulmate. Time does help but the pain never goes away...unfortunately the only way to reach acceptance is to go through those 5 stages that everyone talks about. I thought those 5 stages were a bunch of crap, but they aren't, they really do happen...and sometimes out of order...and sometimes they happen over and over again. I will be praying for happy memories of your dear Oscar to visit your mind and heart.
Hugs,
Brutus' Mom
Hugs,
Brutus' Mom
I understand that numbness all too well--I think it is a form of denial. I still haven't really grieved the passing of my poor little Poppers five weeks ago, because now I have Ladywolf with advanced cancer, and I am totally preoccupied with her. It's almost like Poppers slipped away unnoticed. Not really--I cried a lot BEFORE she died, but not much after. The new issue came in to take the place of the old one, right away...
I'm pretty numb these days as I wait to see what's going to happen with Ladywolf. I have my moments of great joy with her, and my moments of despair, which I try not to let her see, but I'm going to bed at around 9 or 9:30--ME, who is used to staying up til 2 or 3 or 4--I'm sleeping in as late as I can, I'm taking all the tranquilizers that my prescription allows me to take, and I feel blank a lot of the time. I'll find myself just sitting and staring at nothing in particular...
I don't think you're going insane at all. I think you are in the "normal" stages of grieving, as hideously painful as they are. Losing a pet CAN leave a feeling of unreality behind. No one knew them like we did--we were kind of alone in our relationship with them--we don't usually have a big memorial service with lots of people expressing their grief, as we do for people. They're basically just there one day and gone the next, and it IS hard to believe sometimes that they ever existed, except in our minds and hearts. They leave such a vacuum--no wonder we can get sucked INTO that vacuum.
Keep on keepin' on--it will get easier after awhile, hard as that is to believe! My heart and Ladywolf's are with you!
Hugs--
Margi and the Wolf
I'm pretty numb these days as I wait to see what's going to happen with Ladywolf. I have my moments of great joy with her, and my moments of despair, which I try not to let her see, but I'm going to bed at around 9 or 9:30--ME, who is used to staying up til 2 or 3 or 4--I'm sleeping in as late as I can, I'm taking all the tranquilizers that my prescription allows me to take, and I feel blank a lot of the time. I'll find myself just sitting and staring at nothing in particular...
I don't think you're going insane at all. I think you are in the "normal" stages of grieving, as hideously painful as they are. Losing a pet CAN leave a feeling of unreality behind. No one knew them like we did--we were kind of alone in our relationship with them--we don't usually have a big memorial service with lots of people expressing their grief, as we do for people. They're basically just there one day and gone the next, and it IS hard to believe sometimes that they ever existed, except in our minds and hearts. They leave such a vacuum--no wonder we can get sucked INTO that vacuum.
Keep on keepin' on--it will get easier after awhile, hard as that is to believe! My heart and Ladywolf's are with you!
Hugs--
Margi and the Wolf
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