-CAUTION! This is very long and detailed – ( sorry for errors

I feel so lost! My Hobie was 13 years old and was showing no signs of being ill. He no longer lived with me but with my mom, because I couldn’t have him where I live. She saw no signs, and I asked about him all the time. It had been about 1-2 months since I had last seen him and that is my biggest regret! I missed him so much when he was still here and now I can never be with him again.

I grew up with this doggy. We adopted him from the pound when I was 12 and he was about 6 months old. He was an adorable fluffy Chow/Terrier mix. So cute! He was the greatest dog! He was supposed to be my brother’s dog, and he was for the first few years.

When I was 13 I found six kittens, I took them home and bottle fed them all, only one died because I took away the heating pad too soon. My mom let me keep them all, which I was very surprised about. They grew to be gorgeous huge cats and before we got them all fixed one got pregnant and had kittens. I loved them all, we did keep one of the other kittens too and my grandmother took one. They were my life! Then one day a lot of life drama happened and I could not keep them at my moms anymore. I had a friend that said I could keep them at their house and in March of 2002 they all died in a fire. It was the worst day of my life. I never thought I would be ok. I remember when I found out my legs went from under me. (I wish I could have found this site back then)
During this trying time was when I connected to my Hobie. He was my rock, he was always there and I always loved him, but after that happened he was my everything. I would go to my moms every day to walk him and spend time with him. Every time he was sick I took care of him, I took him to the vet, I stayed by him. He was doing fine!


I feel like I did the wrong thing!

On Wednesday 1/6/2010 my mom called at around 4am saying something was wrong with him, that he was whining and panting really heavy. She said he was drooling all over himself. So my husband looked it up and we figured out he was having a seizure. But it wasn’t just one, he was having them about every 20 minutes. By the time I got to my moms he had 3 really bad ones and from then it got less intense but he continued to have them about every 20-30 minutes. It was the most horrible thing, and not being able to help him besides petting him. He couldn’t see us or hear us during this entire ordeal. No vets opened until 8:00am so finally we took him in. At this point we had time to discus putting him down and were leaning that way. But he had never had any problems like this before. I was very unsure. I had also not slept in 21 hours by the time we got to the vets. When we got there they took him to the back and asked me to fill out papers. The doctor did a quality of life exam and basically said that it was hard to know what was causing the seizures and that we would have to do tests to see if he could survive. The other huge concern at this point was money. I work at a convenience store and my husband is laid-off right now. Just the blood tests were going to be 150.00 and that was nothing to help him. Then go from there and put him on meds for the rest of his life if it was a tumor, or something that couldn’t be cured. I was hard to know if he could survive. We finally decided to put him down, not knowing what else to do. He was in the back by himself for over an hour while we were deciding what to do and trying to call my younger brother, to make sure he knew, after an hour I had to stop trying to call him (turns out he got all my texts saying his dog was about to die, and he just didn’t bother to call me back. I am so mad at him, I don’t think I can even talk to him for a very long time).

I wish I could have been with Hobie in the back for that hour.

While Hobie was in the back he had another seizure and they gave him a Valium shot to stop it. So when they brought him into the room, he was much calmer and more responsive. It made it a lot harder, to see him wag his tail when he heard us say his name, even though he still could not get up. He could see us again and hear us. The Doctor gave us a few minutes with him and I talked to him and pet him. I asked my husband if he thought Hobie would give me a kiss so I lay down beside him, put my face right by his nose and he licked me a few times. It was so impossible to have a rational thought at this point. He seemed fine, but I knew the drugs were helping. The Doctor came back in and it all seemed too fast. He kneeled down by Hobie and I freaked inside! There was another post on here stating that right before the Doctor was going to do it, that they had the jolt of not wanting it to happen, to yell out “STOP”. I had the same thing. I couldn’t breathe or think. I looked at my husband and said “This is right, right? And that was it, I couldn’t go back. He started to give him the shot. I couldn’t say anything now. All I could do was wait for him to stop breathing. It was very fast and peaceful considering. I was OK for about 2 minutes, and then my whole world fell apart. It was when I stood up and looked down at his body. It was surreal, I expected him to get up and wag his tail again.

If I could go back I would have spent the money to at least do the tests, to know there was nothing we could do. Now I just have to wonder if he could have gotten better and that maybe I let him go too soon. It feels so wrong now. Why couldn’t I have felt this before or thought of this before. When there was something I could have done.

But I can’t go back and I can’t stop thinking I wish I had tried harder! I feel like I just gave up on him, like I didn’t even give him a chance to get better.
And of course all the what if’s and should haves; I should have gone to see him more, I should have waited to put him down, I should have thought about it longer!

The day keeps running over and over in my head like a horrible song on repeat.
Seizures….Waiting…..Him dying…over and over.

I feel horrible and sick to my stomach because I can’t stop thinking about it. And wishing I had stopped it!
I am afraid now to look up anything about seizures because I don’t want to find out that he could have been fine if I had done something different

I was at a loss on Thursday so I looked up Pet Loss online and this site came up. It has already helped so much. Just knowing that other people understand this pain is an odd comfort. Reading others stories. I am not sure how the postings work here, but I hope I didn’t post too much. If so I apologize and will try to keep it under wraps next time. I just wanted to get this all out, and I hope it gets better for everyone soon, including myself.


(PS, back in 2003 I adopted my grandmothers kitten, the one she took from my kitties. She could no longer handle her craziness. I love my Mitzi very much and she is helping tremendously right now!)

Oh BeckaJ
What can I say. You are hurting so badly, I know, I went through the same with my Noushka, who was also 13 and we rescued her between age 6-12 months, not really sure.She was fine and then all of a sudden , woomph, our whole world changed into a terrible nightmare. She was on her own tho' as the vet wanted her to stay overnight for tests. She didn't even make it though that first night. I won't put all the details as it is on my thread, and it's still painfull too write about again.
I feel sure that your darling Hobie would have had many medical problems which at 13 would have caused him too much suffering. Our Lab, Soot, had epilepsy and was having so many seizures, he had more time in seizures than out of them, even with the pheno barbitol medications. We lost him aged 7, with a heart attack, bless him. I'm not sure what was causing your Hobie to have them, maybe he'd had a stroke. Bless them, it's so hard for us to bear when they go so suddenly, but we must think of them, and that they didn't have years of suffering,and that they lived their lives to the full right up to the end.
I think the 'shock' of it all is the first reaction, then disbelief. Thats what I found, and then questioning everything we'd done. As you say, the if only's, and the what if's. But these things are beyond our control, even though we feel we are to blame for whatever reason.
I am so glad you managed to tell your story on here. Oh you have certainly had so much to bear, but it makes you realise how important loving and caring for our fur babies is. How much we gain from having them let us share our lives with them.You must have been devastated after what happened to your Kitties.
I'm so glad you have darling Mitzi Kitty to help you through this .
I wish I could help you more, I just know that awful pain you must be feeling. Take your time . Please give Mitzi a big hug from me.and a cyber hug for you.
Thinking of you
Jan and my Angels xx

Beka,

I am so sorry you lost your wonderful Hobie and to have him go this way will no doubt make your grieving process even more difficult.

My Flossie had her first seizure in July last year and I just knew that was IT for her. Of all the things I saw her through, this 5 minute seizure scared me the most. When I called my regular vet (who was 2,000 miles away), he told me that tests were the only way to find out the cause and given her age as well as health problems he would not advise it. He said as long as it was only 1 to not be overly concerned. When they have multiple seizures one after another, it was very serious. So it sounds like you no doubt made the right decision.

Flossie had about 4 more seizures after that..... only one at a time..... never knew when it was coming and I got so upset every time as it was so horrible to watch. She was very disoriented and hyper for about an hour after that. Just wanted to walk around and seemed to not know where she wanted to go. Some were at 11pm, some were at 5am. I watched her like a hawk as I was so afraid she would hurt herself and there is no warning whatsoever that one is coming on.

I would have done the same thing you did with Hobie having so many seizures so close together. I know you feel guilty as we all do when we have something like this happen to us and such a quick decision makes it worse. He knew you were there and he knew you loved him very much.

People can tell you did the right thing all day long but it will take you some time to feel that way. Maybe you will always feel that way to some extent but it will ease with time. I still feel guilty at times for putting Flossie to sleep. Then I have to go over what her life really had become. Boy that is a tough talk I have with myself as she was not as bad off as she COULD have been but at the same time she was having more trouble walking, sleeping more & more, seemed at times to "not be there", got a bit more cranky and then some days she was very good. Couldn't take her to a groomer anymore and she would not allow me to groom her or clean her up.

It seems like you've had a lot to bear with the loss of all the kitties and now Hobie. I am so sorry for your loss. Loving these furbabies like you do I am sure there will be another in your life when the time is right for you.

You'll get lots of support here.

I am so sorry for your dear Hobie! You did what your heart told you to do for Hobie. Guilt is just one of the feeling you will have in your healing process.

I still have guilty feelings too. Bet alot of us do from time to time. If I had only NOT opened that door that morning maybe things would have been different, but we can't dwell on the what if's forever.

You are so right!! This site is awesome! They are what helped pull me thru. When my family thought I should be over all the pain and hurt my family here helped me!!!

And for your loss of all the kitties. I am speechless. I am so much a cat person I don't know if i could stand that pain. At least you do have Mitzi to help you. Even tho Sissycat is gone (my special girl) I still have her 2 sisters and mother that helps some.

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, Beka, what a lot of pain to bear. I feel so badly for you. Time WILL heal to some degree, but we all heal on our own schedules and there's no way to speed up the process--it just is what it is.

My beloved Great Dane, Diva, seemed to be in the peak of health (at the ripe old age of 13--which is really OLD for a Dane!) when one day she started having seizures, and they didn't stop until she died that very night on my living room sofa. I took her to the vet in the middle of it all, but he was confounded, and just sent her home with some antibiotics. She finally "seizured out," I guess...

In all likelihood, Hobie was in the same condition that Diva was--but I know that that doesn't relieve the guilt.

I know all too well what it's like not to be able to afford vet care. Ladywolf walked around with a hideous open bleeding tumor on her leg for MONTHS before I found a friend who was willing and able to pay for her surgery, which saved her life that time, as the tumor did turn out to be cancerous. I've never felt so guilty and stressed in my whole life as I did during the time she had the tumor I couldn't pay to have treated. But WE DO THE BEST WE CAN for our four-leggeds, operating on the best information and resources that we have available at the time.

The fire that killed your kitties--OMG--how utterly horrifying. I am so, so sorry that you had to go through all of that.

Now Ladywolf has more tumors, and the vet has pronounced them incurable and terminal. Thank god she's not recommending any kind of radical treatment that I can't pay for; I guess she thinks that Lady, who is still walking around normally and even running at times, and has a great appetite and all that, is too far gone to be helped. But I am doing what I can with her diet, which is to make a drastic change in it. It lets me feel that I am doing SOMETHING, at a time when the vet thinks there is nothing to be done but wait. ARG! I'm not a very happy camper either, having just lost my other dog a bit less than a month ago...

Keep hanging around here--this is a great bunch of people, they have helped me immeasurably, and continue to help. I'd be completely freaked out about Ladywolf (who is 14) if it wasn't for one close very supportive friend and this Forum!

Sending blessings your way--

Margi and Ladywolf, who is licking her chops after a fine meal of brown rice, cottage cheese, multiple supplements, and roast chicken!

Thank you all so much for your support. We all know how unbearable it seems at first, right? I have never had to decide putting a pet down and I think that is why I am so lost right now. I remember saying at the vet’s that I didn’t want him to suffer, that ultimately is why we decided to put him down. I can picture being worried all the time weather he would be getting hurt, or having a seizure when no one is around. Deep, deep, deep in my heart I know I made the right choice, I just feel like crap about it.

I know that as time passes it truly does heal your wounds. It will get better for all of us. I never thought I would be better after my cats died. I think it took me 6 months to be completely normal again.
I t was because we found a kitten in the ventilation system of our house. We could hear it crying all night, so finally we tore it open and got this precious black kitten out. We bottle fed her and raised her up. I was surprised I had another cat so soon. We named her Shadow, and she was a crazy little cat. We had her for almost a year, during that time we adopted Mitzi. And Shadow was not happy about that. She stopped coming into out bedroom as much and I rarely saw her for the first month that we had Mitzi. She was an outdoor cat.
Then one day my husband came in crying, yes crying. With the worst look on his face that I can still picture and said she was hit by a car.
He is more sensitive then most men, but when he knows I need him for whatever he is also my rock!
But I know very soon he will get sick of me always talking about Hobie, I am very thankful I can come hear and let things out. I will do my best to offer support as will, to anyone I can. Thank you again!

- Becka

Hi, Beckaj, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Hobie with all the wonderful responses you have already received. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. I agree with everyone's responses that you did what you believed was best for Hobie not only at the time you had to make the decision but also what was in his long term best interests. Believe me, I know how hard it is not to have your precious Hobie with you, as I am still actively grieving the loss of my beloved Black Lab, Oslo, who joined the angels November 29, 2009. As their guardians we are the ones who have to make the difficult decisions, and euthanasia is one of the hardest decisions we have to make - - espeically because they occur during very traumatic times. But it is the last gift of love we can give to our beloved companions on this side of eternity - - at great sacrifice to ourselves - - so that they can join the angels in heaven's perfect garden where they are once again healed and happy frolicking with other beloved companions until it is our rightful time to join them in eternal joy. But knowing this does not diminish the pain and emptiness of the deep grief we feel without the precious physical presence of our beloved companions. The most important thing for you to know is that you are not alone in your grief journey. Each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Beckaj, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam