I'd like to thank everyone in this forum for all of their posts. I've been reading for several days and I think I can finally tell my story about my little black and white cat, Audrey.

Audrey passed on Christmas morning. She had lymphoma in her heart and her kidneys had shut down. It was a terrible shock, as I didn't know she was so sick until the tests came back at the emergency clinic. She had stopped eating on Christmas Eve and was acting strangely. I didn't want to wait until after the weekend to help her. Six months before she had gotten a clean bill of health from her regular vet, so her condition must have come on quickly. She was only 9 years old. My husband and I made the decision to euthanize her rather than watch her decline and suffer. But, like one of the other folks here said about euthanasia, I felt like I killed her. When I saw her relax with the sedative, I wanted to tell the vet to stop, that this wasn't necessary, that the tests were wrong, that I loved her too much, anything to stop it.

All I could say the whole way home was, "I want my cat back." When I came in to my now cat-less house, I felt sure she would materialize there. When I look at the places where she used to sleep, I almost see her there before I realize again that she's gone. Every new realization brings on such pain. To top it off, I have loved ones in my life who want me to get over it - "it was just a cat, after all." My husband is very supportive, but I think he is baffled by the extreme grief I'm showing. He loved Audrey, too, but he's dealing with it differently.

I think that reading everyone's posts has helped me understand more about the grief I'm feeling, but I feel like it's tearing me apart. I sit and stare aimlessly, or I sob uncontrollably - my two options these days.

Thanks so much for reading.

I am so sorry that you lost your angel on Christmas day that has to be heart wrenching. I know exactly how you feel and yes on my post I said I feel like I killed my Max. This has been the worse feeling of guilt anyone has to deal with. Even though in our heart we did not want them to suffer we didnt want them to leave us either. And please dont listen to anyone who tells you to get over it. Believe me I have heard it too. We as pet parents never get over it. Nor do I personally ever want to get over it. They were are family and yes we have to learn to except it, but we will never forget or get totally over it. You have came to the right place to show your emotions and you feel free to do so as you wish we are all here to help and listen to each other. My heart breaks for you.

Sending you big hugs
Anna

Dear Little Miss Audrey

My heart is breaking for you as I know that dreadful pain and feeling of emptiness. Anna , has said it all really and I can't put it any better, but please know that I'm thinking of you and sending hugs to try and help you through.

Love
Jan and my Angels x

I feel so sorry for your loss of Audrey, I know how it feels to lose something you love so very much. To lose her on Christmas day makes it all the harder for you too. Anna is right, you don't get over losing those precious fur babies, they are always in your heart and mind, but you do eventually learn to live around your loss and carry on. Please give yourself time to grieve and DON'T let anyone put a time limit on how long it takes either. I think we all have that problem with people telling us to "just get over it" it's only a pet. When I hear people say that it just reminds me why I like animals better than people most of the time. Come here and talk to us often, because we will never ever tell you to "just get over it" Hugs and condolences to you xx

madi xx

I'm so sorry for your loss of Audrey...I know that statement "I want my ___back"...in my case it was a dog, but I definately know that statement. I cried myself to sleep for 2 weeks mumbling that statement. I also know that guilt, all too well.

Time does help heal, but I'm not sure the pain ever goes away. I think guilt is one of the hardest parts of the grief process to get through...you think you've got it licked and then boom, you crash again.

Sending prayers that Audrey will visit you in your sweetest dreams and that soon your guilt subsides some and you are able to enjoy all the happy memories of your precious kitty.

Hugs,
Brutus' Mom

I'm so sorry about Audrey. I'm sorry you are feeling this way, but you are greiving and it is good to greive. I'm really sorry people in your life are not being very supportive of you, but that's what we're here for. We understand what you are feeling and we understand how much you loved Audrey. You did lose a family member and that should not be taken lightly. When I lost my dog 4 days before Christmas, it felt like I'd lost my child. I just want you to know that even though it doesn't seem like it right now, it will get easier, it just takes time. Time and of course it helps to continue greiving until you have worked through all your feelings. Even then I don't think anyone ever really stops greiving, people just adjust to life without their pet in the physical form and have the sweet memories to go on with. Audrey was a lucky girl, because you obviously loved her very much and gave her a great life. Your post caught my attention because as I was reading it, it was almost like you were writing my own experience, not identical, but very similar with the feelings afterward and Rex was also only 9 and was just at the vet 6 months before in good health. So if you ever want to talk, please let me know.

Kateress

Hi, Little Miss Audrey, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Audrey. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is very similar to stopping life support for a human loved one, but it is the last gift of love we can give to our beloved companions - - at great sacrifice to us - - so that they can join the angels in heaven's perfect garden. This grief journey is very hard, particularly in the beginning, and each of us knows first hand the depth of grief of a broken heart in the loss of a beloved companion - - for whatever reason. One of the most important things for you to know is that you are not alone in your grief journey. For whatever it is worth clinical studies show that men grieve differently from women, but that does not lessen the depth of their sorrow. It just means they grieve differently. Each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Little Miss Audrey, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear little miss Audrey--

I am SO sorry for your loss, especially on Christmas Day. How tragic. It will, no doubt, cast a pall over Christmas for you in the future...for awhile...until you are able to begin to remember your kitty with joy instead of sorrow. As others have said, that can take a very long time, and the timing will be your's and your's only...

I lost my dad on Dec. 17th, my best friend on the 18th, and now I've lost Poppers on the 13th of Dec. A lot all clustered together, and Christmas is never much fun for me, but I made the best of it this year, and I'll do the same next year. (A friend and I went rockhunting on Xmas day and had a picnic, with Ladywolf by our side...)

Yes, come here for support and keep coming. Men DO process things in very different and often strange ways. They are aliens, after all! (Women are from Paris, Men are from Detroit. Just kidding. Sorta'...)

We're happy to have you here!

Margi and Ladywolf

Little Miss Audrey...thinking about you and hoping you are ok.

Hugs to you and your fur angel,
Sonya

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I've been very busy with a new, unfortunately ill, cat companion, and it's been a while since I've been able to log on, but I've read every reply and this place is truly wonderful with your support. My husband quietly mentioned the other day that he is missing our little Audrey. I asked him how he felt. He said he was grieving for her, just like me, but that he felt like he had to support me more than himself. Oh, boy. I don't want him to stifle his own emotions for me, but I don't know how to convince him of that. Of course, that conversation had to bring on more tears, more emotions, and I think I upset him some. It seems like the tears don't ever end, and I keep seeing Audrey at her last moments. It's worst at night when I try to sleep, like now. I see her relax and I see her go. I can't seem to remember any other times yet, but I hope beyond hope that they will come. She always used to interrupt me whenever I tried to read a book or stitch canvas. I'd be sitting in my chair watching TV and she'd be across the room. I'd whip out the book or the canvas and she would just be there, in my lap, pushing it out of the way in favor of her. I keep trying to picture what that was like, and how much I'd laugh, but it seems to be a distant memory now. I have a picture of her as my wallpaper, and every time I turn the computer on I try to remember her from the picture, but it doesn't work and I just cry more. I think the hardest thing so far is that I keep thinking of the Christmas carols that were playing on the overhead speakers when she died. It was quiet, beautiful music but it just echoes empty in my mind over and over again. I don't know if I can ever listen to those songs again. I've taken your advice and told some of my relatives that think she was "just a cat" that I think of her as much more. Some of them are more sympathetic, some aren't, but I think it helped me to tell them, anyway. Anyhow, I'm still here. Thanks again for reading, and for your kind support. (I'll post about my new dear one in the illness area, I guess.)

Audrey was such a beautiful girl.
I lost my little black patchy cat nine days ago, and so much of what you wrote, i have gone though. right now it seems like the movies I watch, the music that comes on the radio, is out to get me.
I struggle with the feeling that I killed my cat, even though it was the best option at the time, like the worst betrayal possible.
Thinking of you and your new furry one.

Hi PucksMom,
Thank you so much for your thoughts.

It sounds like you and I are at pretty much the same point. Music, TV, or just laying awake at night picturing my little Audrey as she slipped away from me is so painful. I too feel like I killed my little cat. The best thing and worst thing at the same time is that she didn't look like she was ill. It's good since she didn't suffer very long, but it's bad because I question my decision. I remember the results of the blood work, though. The vet said he'd never seen a white cell count so high. He said her kidneys were the some of the largest he'd ever felt. She wasn't making urine anymore. All these horrid things were happening under the surface and were waiting to take her down hard. She didn't feel so ill yet, and she didn't get a chance to - but I wonder if I could have had a little more time. I think I'll always wonder that.

You have my sincere condolences for your loss - I'm not really good with support yet, but I'm trying to give back to this forum when I can. Others here have said that euthanasia is the last, best, least selfish gift you can give to your beloved one. I know they are right. I believe that in my mind, but my heart has yet to catch up. Here's to catching up.

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Hi Little Miss Audrey,
I know its been awhile since I have wrote anything here and that is because I still too have been having a hard time dealing with the guilt. I know in time we will come to except what we did was the right thing. But until then I do hope we can find peace in our own hearts to forgive ourselves.

Take Care
Anna & My Angel Max

Thank you so much for your wishes! I need peace so much. I miss Audrey so much that I can't sleep sometimes. I've had a bout of insomnia over the past 36 hours - four hours total sleep in that time. I've tried to lie down, only to be so swept up in the memories of her passing that I just can't settle. My new Missy Blue tries to help - she follows me around the house and stays close. I get the feeling that, as her health improves, she knows somehow that I'm suffering with this. In a way her sickness helped me with the pain of Audrey's loss, and now that she's not ill I'm not preoccupied anymore. That sounds strange, I guess. I mean, I don't want her to be sick, and I'm overjoyed that we've nursed her back to health. I just don't have a "pet project" to keep my mind off the pain. Sometimes I feel so brittle - like I'll crack and shatter into a million pieces. I feel Audrey all over the house, and I expect to be comforted by that, but it only hurts. I keep saying to myself that it doesn't make sense, that cats live so much longer, but then I know God has a plan for everything and I need to seek peace. This forum is such a wonderful place to do just that. It helps so much to know that others feel the same way, and that they understand.

((((((HUGS))))))) Know what you mean there. I've been trying to stay busy, because when I'm not busy somehow, tears well up, and there I go again... Yesterday I had MAJOR second thoughts about my new kitty (he's getting half way tame and has started getting ##y and pestering Batman, which made me upset because it was never like that with Puck) , and then instantly felt extra horrible for that because Clark needs somebody too...

Blair

Brittle is such a good way to describe it. You can be going along at some version of fine and then snap.... everything falls to pieces. When you have a tight connection with your pet they know when you are sad, anxious, sick, happy. They know and they support us in their furry way. And I think they know when they are so sick and they won't get better but they put on a brave face for us. I think back to when my kitty Tatem was so sick before we let her go, she hadn't eaten in a week - but that was all that was different. She still played, curled around my legs when I was walking, crawled into my lap purring, everything. But when we were at the emergency clinic they look in her eyes was pleading with me to let her go. There was no accusation just the request (as huge as it was) for peace. She was so much braver than I can even think of being.

The other gift of our pets is complete unconditional love. No matter what. You can have the worst day imaginable but when you get home no one is as happy to see you as they are. When you are loved so much, so completely there is no room for guilt. Audrey would never have wanted you to beat yourself up thinking you killed her. It doesn't make they grief easier to bear. I guess nothing but time can do that, not that I know since I'm still waiting for it to get better myself. I hope you find some peace.

Alison (Tatem's Mama)