It has been 13 weeks since I put my soulmate Callaway to sleep and I am overcome with guilt. He had lymphoma and actually lasted longer than the vet thought he would. I had him on Predisolone which seemed to help keep his symptoms at bay. I cooked breakfast and dinner for him everyday for 6 months. He started getting worst. I finally made my decision when I came home and he was laying in a pool of urine because he couldn't get up. I have no idea how long he was laying like that but he looked so sad when I came home and found him that way.

I have been dealing with a bunch of what ifs... what if I would have tried different medication, what if I put him to sleep to soon, should I have gotten a second opinion... and on and on and on. But just the past few days I have been dealing with the look in his eyes when he was being put to sleep. He looked so scared. He had been so weak and when the vet came to euthanize him he got a burst of energy and the vet tech had to hold him down. I can't get that image out of my mind. I hate to think about the last moments of his life that he was scared. It is just consuming me and I don't know how to handle it.

Thanks for listening.

Rhapsedy

Rhapsedy, I am so sorry you're going through this. I know just how you feel. 16 weeks ago I had to put my baby, kitty, Frasier to sleep. Moments before the vet got to our home, he batted at a piece of string and was purring and drank water. Those memories have haunted me off and on ever since. But someone on this forum wrote that no matter what the circumstances are, we will play the what ifs and we will feel guilty about each detail of their dying and their death. But she wrote that we have to keep reminding ourselves that we are looking at their deaths after the fact and that when we made the decision, we were going on what we knew at the time and all the info we had only at that time. We know in our hearts that we didn't do any one little thing with the wrong intentions. Our babies think we are perfect. We are all they know so I don't think they would second guess our decisions. You did what you had to do and it sounds like you didn't do it too soon. I'm sorry you're haunted by the look in his eyes. I totally understand that. Those last purrs from Frasier were so hard for me to hear. As the vet gave him that sedative injection, I wanted to scream out to stop. I wasn't ready! But I kept repeating what the vet had told me that within hours Frasier would begin to suffer horribly. I did the best I could for him and so did you. Again, I'm so sorry.
-Donna

Thanks for the comforting words Donna. I had a sedative that I got from the vet just in case I had to euthanize Callaway. The sedative didn't work for him... maybe it wasn't strong enough. I wish I would have thought to have the vet give him a sedative injection before she euthanized him. I could have made his last moments more comfortable but I let him down.

Oh poor Rhapsedy, you didn't let your Callaway down, but it is so natural for us to blame ourselves when our darlings leave us. As you say, it's so many what if's and if only's. We question every single thing that happens at that crucial , terrible time.
He was with you, so he knew that you were loving him and caring for him right up to those last moments.
Try and think of his darling face when you were sharing happy times. He wouldn't want you to think of him in a sad way.
Someone wrote on here that animals have no fear of death, and that brought me some comfort.
We lost our darlings around the same time, about 15 weeks now for me.
I am thinking of you and sending love

Jan x

Jan - thank you so much for your kind words. How are you doing with your loss?

I'm missing her so much... and also my Tasha, who left us over 3 years ago, but remembering how they used to be so worried if I was sad makes me try for their sakes to think of the happy times. I still cry every day, but thinking of them at those happy times is whats getting me through this. Also the help of the wonderful people on here who sadly understand everything we feel. I've made some wonderful friends and I thank my darling Noushka for leading me to them.
Posting pictures of my angel girls on here has helped me too. When you feel up to it I would love to see and hear all about your darling Callaway.

Take care of yourself, you will always be so precious to dear Callaway.

Love Jan xx

Rhapsedy,I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. Its been 2 weeks and one day for me and I totally understand that last vision you are talking about I just left my sons home and I sat there crying my eyes out tonight saying the exact same thing the vision of him laying on that floor. Its sooo hard to comprehend in our hearts we did the right thing when it hurts so bad. I came hear for the same comfort. Its the Guilt that is so hard. They wanted to give my max steriods to give me a little more quality time and to have him for the holidays and now its all the why didnt I take those couple more days or weeks. What if he would have got better. I know the pain you are feeling. I wish I could say or do something to take some of your pain away. There are so many wonderful people here who totally understand. Just try to hang in there I will say a prayer tonight for all of us here looking for comfort.

Anna

Rhapsedy...I so understand, It's been almost 5 weeks that I made the decision to help Brutus, my 13 yr old lab soulmate, to the bridge. Brutus was tired and arthritis had consumed his back end. I had to hold his hind end up sometimes for him to go to the bathroom, as well as help him up from a laying position....but he still ate good, he still tried to play at times, the times were getting fewer and fewer but he still had a little drive left in him. He had a stroke a couple weeks before he passed as well. I miss him so much it's hard to breathe. I play the what if game too.....constantly. But I have decided I have to accept his death (and my decision) or it's going to eat me up inside.

Helping them over is the last thing we can do for them...it's a unselfish decision and a wonderful gift that we can give them.

It has helped me tremendously to come here and talk with others who feel my pain. Also to post pics of him and talk to him. Everyone here understands and cries with you.

Hugs,
Brutus' Mom

Thanks Anna. I am so sorry that you are having the same feelings that I am because they are so overpowering and for me debilitating. I knew that I would have a hard time when Callaway was taken from me but I had no idea how hard. The love I had for Callaway was so deep that I find it hard to live without him. I am currently on an antidepressant in hopes that they will help me deal with my feelings. I am also seeing a grief counselor to sort thru my feelings and come to accept that Callaway is no longer with me. I truly hope that you find peace soon. Thank you so much for listening.

It sounds like your Brutus had some of the same symptoms as Callaway. It is so hard to see them decline like that and to make the decision to end their life. I have read your posts and I was hoping that you would respond to me. What have you done to accept his death? You seem to be so strong and would love any advice I can get. I have dealt with these feelings for over three months and they are eating me up inside. I just miss him so much.

Thank you so much for listening. I feel like I should be comforting you since you just lost Brutus 5 weeks ago. I have a black lab that looks a lot like Brutus... a little heavier but they look very similar in the face. Labs are such wonderful dogs... they are so giving and sweet.

I have moments where I feel I've accepted it, but then others that I've not. I always considered myself a strong person, until the past month...I am not strong at least not when it comes to Brutus, not at all. I still tell Brutus I am sorry sometimes. So I'm not there yet...if I ever will totally be there.

You asked what I've done...I talked to God about it, almost every day when I talk to Brutus. I'm not a very religous person...I don't practice organized religion or go to church but I have found myself turning to God more and more since Brutus left.

I did decide that me feeling guilty constantly is not changing a thing...it is not helping me move on, it's not helping me make sense out of all the pain, it is not helping me deal with daily things...work, husband. It is not going to bring Brutus back. It keeps me from spending time with my other dogs...it's just no good, it makes me withdrawl from the world. This whole experience has changed me permanetly in both good/bad ways. It's been a conscience effort for me to survive every day, believe me and I fail at it alot...but I keep trying...I cry alittle every day and I talk about Brutus all the time..I am always saying out of the blue to my husband.."Remember when Brutus...." . I don't want to be unhappy, I really don't and I don't want to even think that everyone on this forum is unhappy. We are all great fur/feather parents and we should be very proud of the wonderful lives we gave our pets.

Hang in there and I will pray peace for you,
Brutus' Mom

You asked what I've done...I talked to God about it, almost every day when I talk to Brutus. I'm not a very religous person...I don't practice organized religion or go to church but I have found myself turning to God more and more since Brutus left.

I did decide that me feeling guilty constantly is not changing a thing...it is not helping me move on, it's not helping me make sense out of all the pain, it is not helping me deal with daily things...work, husband. It is not going to bring Brutus back. It keeps me from spending time with my other dogs...it's just no good, it makes me withdrawl from the world. This whole experience has changed me permanetly in both good/bad ways. It's been a conscience effort for me to survive every day, believe me and I fail at it alot...but I keep trying...I cry alittle every day and I talk about Brutus all the time..I am always saying out of the blue to my husband.."Remember when Brutus...." . I don't want to be unhappy, I really don't and I don't want to even think that everyone on this forum is unhappy. We are all great fur/feather parents and we should be very proud of the wonderful lives we gave our pets.

Hang in there and I will pray peace for you,
Brutus' Mom

I am not religious either but I have also been asking for help from God. I am asking for the strength to move on and accept that Callaway is no longer with me in the physical sense and that this whole experience will make me a better person. I prayed last night that everyone on this forum would find peace.

You are so right about the guilt thing. I have totally withdrawn from the world. I haven't been giving been giving my other dogs or my husband the attention that they deserve. I also say to my husband, "Remember when Callaway..." but he doesn't want to talk about it. My husband has been very supportive but I think that he doesn't understand why I can't let this go. I so want to get to the point where I can think about all of the good times and smile and remember what a great life I gave Callaway. I guess we just need to take it one day at a time and continue to pray for acceptance and peace.

Thank you so much for your support. I am so thankful for your kind words and advice.

Some men are just that way...my husband will respond when I talk about Brutus, but he quickly changes the subject. I don't think it's that they don't understand why we can't let go...at least in my case...they just don't want to see us sad and I sometimes think that maybe my husband thinks he is not handling his feelings in the proper way and when I freely let them out and he can't, he feels like maybe he is not behaving right???? I hide alot when I'm feeling real down and I try not to let him see me cry. I think he knows but he is in denial about it...it is easier for him to handle the whole situation (me being sad and Brutus being gone) if he pretends none of it happened. That is just his way of dealing with it I guess.

The first three or four days Doug cried alot and then just boom...he stopped until last week...we were in the kitchen cooking dinner and a song came on the ipod that instantly struck a nerve with me and memories just came flooding back like a typhone...A tear ran down my face and he too started crying and then we looked at each other and laughed...and changed the song.

It is so hard to get through....you will never get over your loss, just get through it...we can all get through it together. It's so great to be able to talk to people who truely understand and feel the same way...so come here often and say whatever you are feeling...we are all here for each other.

Hugs,
Brutus' Mom

Dearest Rhapsody--

Calloway would not want to see you suffering over his death, would he? I'm sure he was a joyful, high-spirited being, and he would want the same for you. I can understand your feelings--I just lost my Poppers (labrador) less than a week ago and I miss her terribly, but I don't feel guilty. Please read my post titled "Guilt is about the past, hope is about the future." I say a lot in that short post.

Please remember that death is usually not a beautiful thing on the physical plane, for both people and animals. Usually there is pain and suffering and there may be incontinence and vomiting and all sorts of unlovely manifestations. People who are in extreme pain seem to be relieved when death comes--and I think the same is true of animals. As for the look on his face at the moment of his death--you're reading a lot into it, humanizing it. It's so natural for us to do that, but not natural for the animal. You don't know what, if anything, Calloway was feeling.

I had to put a dog to sleep years ago who was riddled with cancer. I was about to hit the road in an RV for two years, and my vet convinced me to put her to sleep rather than subject her to the hardships of life on the road. So I took her for a LONG WALK, and then had her euthanized. Talk about guilt! I wailed for ten days...then I hit the road and I let the guilt gradually dissipate. I can still feel the pain, but no guilt. Would it have been better to have dragged a dying dog around with me from campground to campground, with her in great pain? I don't think so.

You have responsibilities to your family and your four-leggeds, who can be of great comfort to you if you let them be. So the wonderful people on this marvelous forum. I don't mean to sound cold, not at all. I feel deeply for you and your crisis, which is what this is. Just, please, find some way to turn that guilt over to the universe and begin to let go. My heart goes out to you--

Margi and Ladywolf

Dearest Rhapsedy,

Please forgive my first post to you being one of copy and paste to two other members here. My computer is acting up something fierce, but you need help. You need it quick, fast and in a hurry. I'll come back as soon as my PC will allow me in order to explain to you what you "perceived" as "he got a quick burst of energy" after having been so weak as well as the "fear - he looked so scared" when you speak of your precious Angel Fur Kid Soulmate Callaway. Okay? Thank you for your kind understanding and, again, I apologize for this copy and paste response due to my computer problems.

First, please click HERE. Another member who perceived emotions in her beloved kitty that most likely were not so and she expresses terrible feelings of guilt. Here is a snippet of what I wrote to her and it applies very much to you and your beloved Callaway.

<<SNIPPET>>

Please accept my deepest condolences on the loss of your precious cat. This was so unexpected, your first really big loss and you're blaming yourself for something completely out of your control. Since it was so sudden and not anticipated, this makes it even more devastating to you. Please don't blame yourself. I know that's a tall order since it's all so fresh and raw in your mind, heart and soul. However, this was no fault of yours at all.

You say that your kitty acted like it didn't want to go outside as though she knew something was about to happen. The fact is that you don't really know the reason why she may have hesitated to go outside. I can name dozens of reasons. What you're doing when you say it's as though she knew something was going to happen is called anthropomorphism and all us fur and feather kid moms and dads tend to do that at times. She may have wanted a treat or a toy or she was simply sitting there thinking about butterflies and birds. See? You have no way to know what she was thinking since humans don't think like cats but we many times attribute human emotions to our fur kids when that's not what they're thinking at all.

Here's an example: Sometimes I look at my Buddy dog and say to myself, "Poor pooch. He's so depressed. Just look at him lying there with that look on his face and his body language. He must be feeling really depressed." Actually, most of the time when my Buddy dog looks that way, he's really very comfortable, happy and resting in his favorite spot. Now you see what I mean? So, no. There's no way you could know what your kitty was thinking.

Right now, your world is shattered! You're feeling terrible grief, guilt and devastation. You've got a gosh awful case of the "what ifs" and "if only's" ... Those will eat you up and spit you out. You will be affected emotionally and physically as well. Let me give you the direct links to some posts here at LS in Pet Loss Support Resources and Articles area. All will validate what you're feeling, experiencing, plus help you to cope. And, they are authored by Veterinarians and Doctors who specialize in the emotions of Pet Loss. Do take your time since these posts are permanent so not going anywhere. Here are the links ...

Your Fur Child Loss Devastation - You Are Not Going "Insane" Emotions and Behavior Caused By Pet Loss

Grief & the Loss of a Pet

This Web site gives phone numbers and times of day to call and speak with live professionals. The names of the states are up at the top. Click on them to get the information I just mentioned ...

Pet Bereavement Support Groups

You may want to try this. It works and helps millions of people ...

How To Heal When You Have Lost A Pet: Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) Healing Sessions

Light A Candle Online. It Is Free. Please Read.

A Different Way To View Suffering from George Anderson

NOTE: Click on "A Place For Us" in the following Link ...

A Place For Us - Why They're Not Really Gone by Terri Onorato

Take your time. Okay? Please know that you and your Angel Fur Kid are in my thoughts and prayers as I wing many loving Angels to soothe and gently guide you through this most difficult time in your life. Come back and talk as often as you're able. I know it will be difficult for you to see your key pad and PC monitor as you type through your tears, however it's by sharing and caring that we help each other to find that Healing Path.



I Wish You Peace!

Many Comforting Hugs to You and Your Angel Fur Kid Kitty!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

<< END SNIPPET>>

Then, please see this ...

<<SNIPPET>>

Dearest abrm325, how are you doing? How are you holding up and how are you feeling? Much the same happened to me. My loss was sudden and due to having been killed. I felt and still feel very guilty because there were so many "red flags" cautioning me that this was going to happen. I just didn't see them at the time. Also, I didn't know then what I soon found out afterwards. Alex was my heart, my soul and my world. I failed him ...

What I do is to ask him to please forgive me. I know he can hear me where he is because he has sent me at least three or more signs. I know he's happy where he is and that's of comfort to me. I feel so badly for you and now you know why I can relate so acutely to your pain. It's because I myself have been there. My world was shattered, too. Just like yourself. I feel very concerned about you, Dear One.

Please write when you're feeling up to it. What was your kitty's name? How did you meet your kitty? Most of all, how are you feeling? Would you like to know some of the many ways you can pay loving tribute in memory to your kitty? There's so many things you can do that won't cost you one penny. It does take time just as it takes time to heal. Remember to be kind to you and take baby steps. OK? OK. Here's what I posted to Madi here at LS ...

Here are some things I do that really help me a lot.

The following is a copy and paste from another site ...

Help and healing

It has been shown that when grief can be expressed, the time needed for healing is often less. Similarly, if the expression of grief is restricted or withheld, the healing process may take much longer.

In addition to talking with others, to do something often helps us work through our grief. By doing something positive during this time of sadness, we expand our focus by celebrating the life of the pet. Activities which may help include:

Planting flowers or a tree in memory of the pet
Making a charitable donation
Holding a funeral or memorial service
Drawing a picture, making a clay sculpture or doing needlework of something that reminds you of your pet (you could do this yourself, or have it done by a professional)
Placing your pet's nametag on your keyring
Writing a poem, song, or story
Composing music or a song
Creating a memorial photo album or scrap book
Writing a letter to your pet
Framing a photograph
Volunteering your time

abrm325, it's me Dottie talking again. I find that writing poems, songs, creating images on my computer help a lot. Also, I did create a Memorial Website a couple months ago or so for Alex. It was free so heck yeah! I also come here (and to Alex's Website) and make posts where I'm speaking with him. In my heart of hearts I know that he hears me, too. I'm not just saying that. My word to you. What seems to help me most of all is to do my best to help others who are going through what we are. Do you have any photos of your fur kid that you could share? If so, I would be honored to enhance it as I've done for so many here at Lighting Strike. People take great comfort seeing their beloved Rainbow Bridge Fur Kids transformed into Angels with gold, glittering wings and halos as well as other pretties. Just think on it and take your time to let me know.

I pray I've been of some small help and we can continue talking until we're blue in the face. You bet. Everyone at LS is here for you, Dear One. You are a Wonderful Fur Kid Mommy!!! Please never forget that. Okay? Okay.

Many Comforting Hugs and Love to You and Your Angel Fur Kid!!!



Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

<<END SNIPPET>>

Rhapsedy, it's me Dottie talking again. I'm going to turn off my PC, close the modem and let it run some internal maintenance programs. I promise to come back as soon as I'm able to talk with you about your perceptions of what you saw as a sudden burst of energy and also what you saw as Callaway being scared. There's a very good possibility and/or probability that Callaway got ticked off at being disturbed and expressed that. I'll explain more later. Okay? Please know that I served as a nurse in the human medical filed for around 27 years and have been in Animal Rescue and Rehabilitation for about 30 years. I pray that I can allay your fears by linking you to information regarding what most likely occurred so you'll know that Callaway was probably not scared and will also explain what that sudden burst of energy could very well have been considering all I read in your post about your sweet baby.

Many Comforting Hugs to you and your Angel Fur Child Callaway!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Dearest Rhapsedy,

My PC still needs more maintenance, however you need answers far more than this contraption needs to rest. Firstly, I'm not able to find anywhere you've posted about Callaway if he was a kitty, doggie, ferret, bunny, guinea pig ...

So I'll cover all of them since lymphoma symptoms, diagnosis, treatments and life span expectancy are pretty much exactly the same. Here are some facts on cats and dogs just in case that's who Callaway Angel is and not one of the others ...

Regarding Feline lymphoma ...

Lymphoma, sometimes called lymphoma, is a malignant tumor (or tumors) derived from lymphoid tissue (lymph nodes, tonsils, thymus, spleen, etc.). It is an illness that affects humans as well as cats, dogs, and other mammals. Lymphomas are probably the most common tumors of cats.

Symptoms of Feline Lymphoma
The cat with lymphoma may demonstrate only very vague problems. Progressive lack of appetite, lethargy and weight loss are most common. Depending on which organs are affected, other signs such as chronic diarrhea, vomiting and difficulty in breathing may occur. Many diseases can cause these signs, and as with any problem, diagnosis should be based on examination by your veterinarian and appropriate tests.

Feline Lymphoma Treatment
Many forms of lymphoma in the cat are treatable with surprisingly good initial results. Cure, however, is unlikely. Unfortunately the average survival of the cat with lymphoma is only six months.

Next: Regarding doggie or canine lymphoma ...

It is a fairly common cancer in American dogs. The most commonly seen lymphoma in America is a type called Lymphoma, although treatments are essentially the same with all types of lymphoma. As it is with humans, the lymphatic system is an important part of any mammal's immune system.

Symptoms
The typical canine lymphoma patient is a middle-aged dog taken to the veterinarian because one or more lumps have been found. Most dogs are not feeling particularly sick at the time of diagnosis; it may be tempting to "hold off" on treatment to see if the pet gets worse. This is not a good idea. Waiting can drastically reduce the chances for long-term survival. Better remission rates are achieved if your pet is treated in the early stage, while it still feels healthy.

If you notice fast growing lumps on your dog that seem to be in the area of the major joints (at the neck, in front of the shoulders, in the armpits, at the back of the knees or in the groin), have your dog examined by a veterinarian, even if your pet appears to be feeling fine. The average life expectancy for a dog with untreated lymphoma is only about 2 to 4 months from the time of diagnosis. Their life span can be extended up to 6 months if treated.

So you see, Rhapsedy, you took wonderful care of your precious Callaway making certain he was seen, diagnosed and treated in a very timely manner. You added several months to his life and that was life with quality. Of course, it's our fur kid's quality of life that counts.

You state that after that six months, which you now know is the best one can expect in either a kitty or doggie with lymphoma, that you came home one day only to find him "laying in a pool of urine because he couldn't get up." Rhapsedy, it was time. He had lost his quality of life and a wonderful fur kid parent such as yourself would not want to see him suffer even one more moment. You did not have him euthanized too soon and you didn't wait too long. Again, you put your sweet baby to sleep at exactly and precisely the right time. Bless you for that and all you did to make his life so wonderful.

You're a terrific Fur Kid Mommy!!! Please, never forget that.

Now, let's talk about what you perceived as that "sudden burst of energy" which may have made you feel you ought to have waited. You state that your fur kid Callaway was on Prednisolone. Prednisolone is a synthetic adrenal corticosteroid and is is a form of Prednisone. Use of this medication to help your kitty doggie, ferret, bunny, guinea pig and so on ... Can improve the symptoms dramatically, but it does not significantly affect your fur kid's survival rate.

Corticosteroids are natural substances produced by the adrenal glands located adjacent to the kidneys. By the way, Prednisone is awesome good to use in "short burst" cases of a severe acne outburst or to quickly get many types of allergies (including asthma) under control, rheumatoid arthritis, ulcerative colitis, certain blood disorders, lupus, multiple sclerosis, and certain eye and skin conditions. It may also be used for other conditions as determined by your doctor or veterinarian.

Decadron Dose Pack are a corticosteroid. It works by decreasing or preventing tissues from responding to inflammation It also modifies the body's response to certain immune stimulation.

After the short burst of Prednisone, then a person or fur kid can be treated in a more conventional manner and ongoing to keep everything under control. When I say "short burst" I'm talking about five to 10 milligrams 3 to five times a day for 5 to 7 days only and a human or animal must take those last doses in lesser and lesser strength so as not to be affected adversely. The Decadron Dose Pack is a very good example. Let me see if I can link you to that, Here you go ...

http://www.drugs.com/cdi/decadron-dose-pac...-dose-pack.html

I'll bet you're wondering why I brought up that fact. It has to do with Callaway's "quick burst of energy" that you perceived. As well as observing both humans and animals while they're taking Prednisone, I've also personally required those short 7 to 10 day bursts of this medication several times in the past. Let me tell you something, it gives you the energy of Jackie Chan, The Terminator as portrayed by Arnold Schwarzenegger and a younger Robin Williams combined. I kid you not. Look what happens to athletes who take steroids which are the much stronger from of corticosteroids like Prednisone. It not only increases their energy but makes them as strong as very grumpy bear or a ticked off gorilla.

This brings us back to your sweet Angel Callaway. Since he needed the Prednisolone to keep at bay so many problems, aches and pains caused by having had lymphoma, that medication also served as a desired side effect of making him hungry, more energetic, stronger and so on for the time you were treating him. Oh, I forgot to tell you, a good doctor will caution a patient who takes a short burst of Prednisone that it causes increased appetite so to keep plenty of carrot sticks on hand or plan to gain about 10 pounds from overeating for that 7 to 10 days of medication use.

Anyway, Callaway's sudden burst of energy could very easily have been due to his use of Predisolone. No, not a second wind and rallying back to health to live longer. It was clearly his time when you saw him lying in a pool of urine and not able to even get up. Knowing all that I've shared with you about corticosteroids, what would any creature do who was disturbed while trying to go quietly into that good night? Regarding him looking scared, could he have instead been ticked off and expressing that as any person or animal would do when being bothered by a caregiver since they really just wish to be left alone?

Rhapsedy, as a nurse and animal rescuer as well as volunteering at Vet clinics for those many, many years, I've seen this scenario played out more than once. More than twice. More than I care to admit. Did I I perceive in the beginning the same as yourself about Callaway's reactions? Yes, I did. Even though I was well trained, knew the facts and how each person or animal may or may not react, I still perceived it the same as you when I first began serving as a nurse as well as in animal rescue and rehabilitation and veterinary volunteer. I cried. No, not then and there. I always hold up perfectly and remain calm as a cucumber during any and all emergencies or crises That is a must. However, I go to the bathroom when it's over and have a good cry.

We feel guilt, remorse, grief, sorrow and devastation. Our world is shattered! We need help. Please, never let anyone tell you how to feel. But, it is of paramount importance that you do express how you feel because that's the one and only way to find that Healing Path and get some kind of closure. I read that you are seeking professional counseling and that will help you so very much. It will also help you to share your tears and fears with like minded people such as those found here at LS. This is an incredible place with incredible fur and feather kid parents who understand that it is not, not, not just a dog, cat, bunny, ferret, bird, guinea pig or goldfish. These are our family just the same as our own flesh and blood.

Please, pay no mind to those who tell you to get over it and put it in your past. That it's just a dog, cat, bird and so on. That there are millions more out there and just go get another one. That it's time to stop feeling your loss. Firstly, no. There is no other creature out there like your cherished Callaway. He was different, precious and unique. He can never be replaced. However, there are a whole lot of dear, sweet, affectionate fur kids out there who need a loving home and wonderful fur kid Mommy just like you. That will come later, but only if you desire and are ready.

Secondly, you'll know when it's time to stop grieving. Take your time, allow yourself to feel, express your feelings, take baby steps and be kind to you! How long will your guilt and grieving last? I have no idea since it's different for each and every one of us. Some take days. Others take months and even years ...

It takes time. Allow yourself that time and come back to talk as often as you're able. The more you express your feelings, the sooner you'll begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's by sharing and caring that we help each other find that Healing Path. It's been over two years for me and I still need all the help I can get. Rhapsedy, I find an enormous amount of support here at LS as well as seeking professional help myself due to my loss. So, please keep coming back to talk anytime day or night. Everyone is pulling for you.

I Wish You Peace!!!

Many Comforting Hugs to you and your Angel Fur Kid Callaway!!!



Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

PS. Here are some links you may wish to have for the future. More Hugs!!!

Ask a Vet Online live chat. There is a fee and can cost an average of $9.00 to $15.00. It's live chat with at least 15 to 17 Vets online 24 hours a day so you can have a live chat at any given time.

http://www.justanswer.com/pet

Online Ask a Vet regarding Dogs and Cats. There is a small fee but is also a Live Chat ...

http://web-dvm.net/

Live chat and still a fee of $5.95 per question regarding: Ask Dr. Larry is a service that allows you to ask questions about your pets' health and behavior. Dogs, Cats, Exotics and so on ...

http://www.drlarrypetvet.com/

And ...

http://www.drlarrypetvet.com/ask.html

This one is very good and is free! Please click link below ...

http://www.talktothevet.com/

Also Free ...

http://www.free-online-veterinarian-advice.com/

Also Free ...

http://www.free-online-veterinarian-advice.com/askavet.html

Also Free ...

http://www.petnutritionproducts.com/page.html?id=1

Also Free ...

http://www.vetask.com/

Dottie and Rhapsody--

What an astonishing amount of information, and how helpful and comforting it is! Thank you, Dottie, for your dedication and heart and commitment and knowledge and love. After reading all the medical information though, I am somewhat horrified, because I am sure now that Ladywolf has another Lymphoma (she's had one removed already) in her groin, and that she is on her way out too. I just can't bear to get the news until after Christmas, but I WILL take her in next week. I need at least a couple of weeks between the loss of one dog and a bad prognosis on my soulmate, my Wolf.

Rhapsody, I owe you an apology. I can get very forceful and opinionated at times. I know that about myself, I'm not proud of it, and I need to be called on it when and if I do it. It's just that I hate to see you in so much pain and guilt when you didn't do anything wrong. You loved Callaway--who is beautiful, by the way, as is your Jack Russell!--totally and unconditionally and you did the best you could given what you knew. I agree with Dottie--it was obviously Callaway's time, and nothing could have made him last much longer. But you have the right to feel your guilt as long as you need to, until you don't feel it anymore. Please forgive me for suggesting that guilt is "a waste of time." In a sense it is, but in another sense, we often can't help it, and we need to honor our feelings, whatever they are. I wanted to jump in and try to FIX IT, and that's the wrong approach completely. I sometimes forget how things come across differently online from how they come across when we say them. Everything I said to you, I said with great love, but you can't hear that when you just read the words.

Callaway does live on--look how much he's being honored here. As does Poppers and all our 4-legged beloveds, whether on this earthly plane, or another, higher plane!

Margi and Ladywolf

Dearest Margi,

I just responded to you on your thread.

Many Comforting Hugs to you, Angel Fur Kid Poppers and Lovely Ladywolf!!!

I Wish You Peace!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Rhapsody--

Do you feel the love and support on this Forum? I sure do. I goofed up and "they" still love me, fallible as I am.

This is your thread, not mine. How are you doing today? Maybe just a little bit better?

Margi

Rhapsody, I owe you an apology. I can get very forceful and opinionated at times. I know that about myself, I'm not proud of it, and I need to be called on it when and if I do it. It's just that I hate to see you in so much pain and guilt when you didn't do anything wrong. You loved Callaway--who is beautiful, by the way, as is your Jack Russell!--totally and unconditionally and you did the best you could given what you knew. I agree with Dottie--it was obviously Callaway's time, and nothing could have made him last much longer. But you have the right to feel your guilt as long as you need to, until you don't feel it anymore. Please forgive me for suggesting that guilt is "a waste of time." In a sense it is, but in another sense, we often can't help it, and we need to honor our feelings, whatever they are. I wanted to jump in and try to FIX IT, and that's the wrong approach completely. I sometimes forget how things come across differently online from how they come across when we say them. Everything I said to you, I said with great love, but you can't hear that when you just read the words.

Callaway does live on--look how much he's being honored here. As does Poppers and all our 4-legged beloveds, whether on this earthly plane, or another, higher plane!

Margi, You do not owe me an apology. What you said to me actually helped me. I really do need to get over my guilt to move on with my life. I appreciate your posts and hope that you will continue to stay on here to support others and to help yourself deal with your loss.

How is Ladywolf doing? I prayed for her and you last night before I went to bed.

After the short burst of Prednisone, then a person or fur kid can be treated in a more conventional manner and ongoing to keep everything under control.

Callaway was on a small dose of predisolone for awhile. Was it ok for him to be on predisolone for an extended time? Now I'm worried that I gave him too much.

Hi Rhapsedy...I'm not a doctor or nurse...nor do I portray one on TV..lol...yes pred is usually given in a short term but had Callaway not had it, he would not have had the last quality of life that he did have....Brutus had mast cell cancer twice and pred is what they gave him...he was on it about 6 months each time. My father has been on pred for over 8 years, without he would die..he will be on it until he passes. You did everything right with Callaway, so try not to second guess...I know how hard this is to not do.

Hugs,
Brutus' Mom

Hi Rhapsedy,

My apologies. I can certainly see how my explanation was confusing because I didn't go into treatment with Predisone or any other type of medication for a person or animal who has either a life threatening or terminal disease or condition.

Firstly, I only spoke about those people and animals who have conditions such as allergies, asthma, acne, arthritis and so on. Those conditions, disorders, are practically always not life threatening and not terminal in nature. So, when people or animals are being treated for those conditions by use of conventional treatment and medications which they take daily ... But, they suddenly have a flare up ... That is when that short burst of Prednisone is prescribed for that seven to ten days in order to get their symptoms back under control, then weaned off on the last 3 days of that short burst of Predisone once their flare up has been contained and gotten under control. At that point in time, patients return to taking their normal medication or medications on a daily basis. It works great for them ...

However, when a patient, be it human or animal, has a serious disease like lymphoma which is most definitely life threatening in nature, then those short bursts of Prednisone at a low dose will not do. They require ongoing treatment with Predisone in order to keep at bay the symptoms caused by this disease. In other words, a strong or perhaps not so strong but most definitely ongoing and not a short burst. The Prednisone ought be taken regularly and not stopped unless ... Well, unless your doctor or vet deems that they need something even stronger or differnt or ... I hope I'm making sense ...

Am I explaining this well? I only just woke, came here, saw your question and began typing. Please, do not hesitate to ask me to be more specific or give you links to actual case histories or even go into greater detail without using medical terms like "augment" since augment is actually the perfect word to use when tell you how your Sweet Callaway's life was extended measurable and with great quality due to the amount and daily doses of Prednisone. Please let me know if I explained it to your understanding and, if not, I'll have a cup of hot tea and try again. I just wanted to get this off to you as soon as possible, Rhapsedy.

Many Comforting Hugs to you and Angel Fur Kid Callaway!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Thank you, Sonya!

Sonya said it well, is spot on correct and a whole lot less winded than myself.

More Hugs to you, Angel Fur Kids Callaway, Noushka and Tasha!!!

I Wish You Peace!



Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Hi Dottie,

Thanks for the clarification. I feel much better knowing that I was following the right form of treatment with Predisolone. I could have tried chemo but because of Callaway's age (14) and the fact that he stressed out so bad when he went to the vet I decided that chemo wouldn't be a good option for him.

Thank you so much for all of your support. I feel so lucky to have found this website.

Hi Sonya,

Thank you so much for the response. I am so emotional right now that I question everything I did and didn't do. I keep thinking of the saying... That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger... I should be as emotionally strong as Mike Tyson is physically strong after this. ;-)

Thank you so much for your support. I hope that someday soon I can be as supportive to others as you have been to me this past week.

Hi Rhapsedy...I'm not a doctor or nurse...nor do I portray one on TV..lol...yes pred is usually given in a short term but had Callaway not had it, he would not have had the last quality of life that he did have....Brutus had mast cell cancer twice and pred is what they gave him...he was on it about 6 months each time. My father has been on pred for over 8 years, without he would die..he will be on it until he passes. You did everything right with Callaway, so try not to second guess...I know how hard this is to not do.

Hugs,
Brutus' Mom

Hi Rhapsedy I dont think there is any such thing as right or wrong. You question yourself giving predisone and I question myself not giving it. But please feel good knowing you had some more extended time with it. I hate myself for not taking that extra time that it would have gave me. That is what I am such a mess over. If my husband had not been with me I would have brought my baby home and gave him the predisone. All he kept saying was why was I putting off the same out come and what if he got sicker and didnt want to eat and started throwing up. The only reason I didnt stand my ground was the fact that Max was bleeding when he went to the bathroom. So please dont be down on yourself for the extra time you had. I would give anything right now to have had even a week or day longer. You did in your heart what you felt right. Beleive me my heart wanted to do the same.

Take Care
Anna

Hi Anna,

My vet told me that pred doesn't work for some dogs so it may not have helped Max. We both need to keep telling ourselves that we both did what we thought was best for our dogs and everything we did for them was out of love. We sure didn't put them to sleep for us, we did a selfless act, put our feelings aside and put them out of their misery. Unfortunately, we now have to live without them and with that grief, for some, comes guilt, which you and I are feeling.

As you said there isn't any such thing as right or wrong. So we both need to be nicer to ourselves and realize that our choices were made for our babies and that everything we did was done in their best interest.

I will pray for you tonight... that you will find peace.

Rhapsedy


Hi Rhapsedy I dont think there is any such thing as right or wrong. You question yourself giving predisone and I question myself not giving it. But please feel good knowing you had some more extended time with it. I hate myself for not taking that extra time that it would have gave me. That is what I am such a mess over. If my husband had not been with me I would have brought my baby home and gave him the predisone. All he kept saying was why was I putting off the same out come and what if he got sicker and didnt want to eat and started throwing up. The only reason I didnt stand my ground was the fact that Max was bleeding when he went to the bathroom. So please dont be down on yourself for the extra time you had. I would give anything right now to have had even a week or day longer. You did in your heart what you felt right. Beleive me my heart wanted to do the same.

Take Care
Anna
[/quote]

Dear Anna...Rhapsedy is right, pred doesn't always work. Brutus had a very common, easily treated cancer when caught early..starts as a pimple looking thing, totally different than lymphonia or what Max was dealing with. Pred is only a mask..it treats symptoms but doesn't usually cure anything...Dottie can verify that. Hang in there Anna...I am thinking of you and Max...I know you would give up anything to have him with you again, my thoughts and prayers are with you as you deal with this difficult time...we are all here for you.

Hugs,
Brutus' Mom

Hi Rhapsody and everyone--

Here's hoping that you managed to have a very merry Christmas, in spite of your recent loss.

Just thinking of you in this time when everyone seems to be of good cheer, and it ain't necessarily so for us...

I drove by the place today where Poppers is buried out in the desert, and my friend Janice and Ladywolf and I tipped our hats to her, then we went off into the middle of nowhere and had a Christmas picnic. It was a gourgeous day, and I tried to stay focussed on what I DO have, not what I've lost, and it worked pretty well. (Among other things, I had my entire house emptied out about four years ago by my landlord while I was sick and just out of the hospital. Everything was taken. EVERYTHING. Thank god the dogs were safe with me, in another state at the time.)

Blessings to you and your's from Margi and Lwolf

Hi Margi,

That sounds like a lovely way to spend Christmas. I'm glad you enjoyed your day. I did pretty well today, I only cried once when I got cards from the dogs and Callaway's name wasn't on them. I know my husband meant well, he probably thought that I would get cry if his name was on the cards, either way it would have made me cry.

My psycologist told me to say a couple of words when I'm thinking of negative things, she told me to say not helpful. This has really helped me to stop obsessing about what I feel I did wrong. I say those two words to change my train of thought. I thought this may help some people too.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas!

Love to all,
Rhapsedy


Hi Rhapsody and everyone--

Here's hoping that you managed to have a very merry Christmas, in spite of your recent loss.

Just thinking of you in this time when everyone seems to be of good cheer, and it ain't necessarily so for us...

I drove by the place today where Poppers is buried out in the desert, and my friend Janice and Ladywolf and I tipped our hats to her, then we went off into the middle of nowhere and had a Christmas picnic. It was a gourgeous day, and I tried to stay focussed on what I DO have, not what I've lost, and it worked pretty well. (Among other things, I had my entire house emptied out about four years ago by my landlord while I was sick and just out of the hospital. Everything was taken. EVERYTHING. Thank god the dogs were safe with me, in another state at the time.)

Blessings to you and your's from Margi and Lwolf

Rhapsody:

"Not helpful" is a wonderful, helpful phrase! So is "Thank you for sharing, now please go away..."

Another trick is to spend ten minutes a day obsessing, I mean really OBSESSING on everything that you think went wrong. And then for the other 23 hours and 50 minutes, you don't let those thoughts in...you say to them, "wait til 5:00 p.m.", or whatever your "obsession" time is. That one can work like a charm.

I'm glad you had a good day, but gads, if anyone had given me a card from my remaining Wolfie and not Poppers, I would have bawled like a baby! If you toughed that out, you're getting stronger!

Big Hugs--Margi

Dear Rhapsody--

Just checking in to see how you're doing these days? Is the guilt easing up just a little? I find other peoples' stories here so helpful, since they remind me of the multitude of weird things that can happen at the end of our dogs' and cats' and birds' (and velociraptors?) lives. Few seem to get off easily.

Wanting to send renewed blessings--

Margi and LWolf

Hi Margi,

The guilt still seems to have some control over me. I still wish I would have let Callaway go on his own but that may have been a worse death fo him. I just have a problem with me making the decision to end his life and play the whole thing over and over in my mind.

How are you doing?

Hi Rhapsedy, I know exactly how you feel. The guilt is so much worse then the grief. It will be 4 weeks come wensday and god the guilt just wont let up. I cry everyday wishing I could just take back what I did. I feel like I ended his life not his desease. I just feel in my heart I didnt do the right thing. Everyone can say that I did what was best but I will never ever feel that I did. The best would have been bring him home give him medicine and see how he would have been. I may of had a month or longer but now I will never know. I could have had time to explore all options do more test but now I have none of that. I am left with awful feelings that just wont go away. When we put our lady down 7 years ago it also was a sudden sickness. It was her liver and I signed the papers and my husband and I left her there. He could not handle it at all she was his everything. I still to this day feel guilty that we did not stay with her my last vision of her was her turning her head and looking at me writting the check to end her life. That vision still comes to me. My smokey was just three years ago and with him as they gave him a sedative to relax him he turned and looked right at me like to say goodbye. I left the room and told my husband to tell them not to do anything until I came back. When I opened the door they had already administered the needle and he was gone so I didnt get to hold him in his last minutes. So I also carry that guilt, my husband was there with him but he was my baby. Now this with my Max it is almost to much to handle. I did get to hold and tell him how much I loved him and sang to him as he went to sleep forever. God forever seems forever and so final. Sorry just crying my eyes out. I hurts so bad like a knife in your heart. I hope our babies truly knew how much we loved them. I dont mean to depress you but it feels good knowing that there are people like ourselves who can understand.

Feeling and understanding your pain
Anna

Hi Anna,

You are so right about the guilt being worse than the grief. I feel like I could accept Callaway's death if I didn't feel like I ended his life too soon. Of course, I miss him terribly but it would be a little easier if I didn't have the constant thoughts of guilt.

I have had so many people tell me that I did the right thing too and I sure wish I could believe them.

I have tried to think about everything I did right for Callaway but the damn guilty feelings come along and they overpower my positive thoughts.

I am so sorry that you are going thru the same thing that I am... I would not wish this pain on anyone. But as you said it does help to know there are people on this website that understand our pain.

Love to you, Smokey, Lady, and Max

Dear Rhapsedy...hoping this New Year finds you in peace and happy memories of your sweet Callaway.

Hugs,
Sonya

Rhapsedy, I hope your grief over losing Callaway has eased. In my opinion, when you find your pet lying in a pool of unine, you are very close to the end. They would never do that, if it could be avoided - and it must be so embarassing.

We've had to euthanize two cats - one twenty, the other nineteen - in five months. Our vet gives the pet an injection, to relax. That way, his last memories will be of you petting and cuddling him. In five minutes, when your pet is sleeping, he returns for the final injection; shaves a front leg, and puts the fur in a bag for you to take home. Then, if there's any difficulty finding a vein, your pet won't feel it.

I'm sure Callaway knew how you felt. Best wishes....

I sure I wish I would have known about the injection you are talking about. I will be haunted for the rest of my life by the fact that I didn't know more about euthanasia and that I could have made Callaway's last moments so much better for him. I really feel like I let him down.

Our vet gives the pet an injection, to relax. That way, his last memories will be of you petting and cuddling him. In five minutes, when your pet is sleeping, he returns for the final injection; shaves a front leg, and puts the fur in a bag for you to take home. Then, if there's any difficulty finding a vein, your pet won't feel it.

Hi Rhapsedy,

We need to stop blameing ourselves at least I try to tell myself that anyways. Everything about euthanasia is so dam hard to except. Did we do it at the right time, in your case why didn't you know about a shot to relax him, why did we even do it at all. We could go on with a list of things and believe me I do everyday. The only thing I know is we did what we thought was right at that time. Now we just need time to make it right for us. How long will that be, who knows but all I know I am glad we do have each other. The way we feel there is NO WAY that our angels has any doubt how much we loved them. Hope we can find peace within ourselves soon.

Take Care
Anna

Rhapsedy...how have you been? I was thinking about you and your dear Callaway and wanted to drop you a line.

hugs,
Sonya

Hi Sonya,

I sent a message to you about a couple of weeks ago, did you get it? I am still trying to figure out how things work on this website. ;-) Anyway, I was asking how you were doing and hoping things were going well.

I am doing pretty good but I just miss Callaway so much! Sometimes my heart just sinks into my stomach. It's almost like I forget he's gone and when it hits me that he is gone it just drops me to my knees. However, I do feel better than I did a few months ago and I actually feel like I can carry on, I wasn't sure if I could make it thru before.

I hope you are doing better. I think about you and Brutus alot because you two had the same bond that Callaway and I had and I know the pain that you feel. I just love that picture of Brutus rolling around in the sand. The black lab that I'm taking care of does that on my floor all the time, I bet if I took him to a beach he would do that in the sand too.

Take care Sonya,
Rhapsedy



Rhapsedy...how have you been? I was thinking about you and your dear Callaway and wanted to drop you a line.

hugs,
Sonya
[/quote]

no, I didn't get it.



I'm so glad to read this, I too am doing better...said goodbye to sadness, which was difficult, because I felt like it might be "forgetting" Brutus. I know you will never forget nor will I. But we have to rid ourselves of the pain, guilt, anguish eventually...we deserve it and of course Callaway and Brutus would want us to be happy. I have finally been able to show real affection to my other dogs and that feels good, I feel guilty that I left them behind for a couple months but I will make it up to them. I know I will have setbacks...I still get tears in my eyes occasionally, but I'm able to think of happy times with Brutus. And if I have problems, I know I can come here and get comfort from the great people. I'll be thinking of you and praying for your continued peace.

Hugs to you and your dear precious Callaway,
Sonya

I'm so glad to read this, I too am doing better...said goodbye to sadness, which was difficult, because I felt like it might be "forgetting" Brutus. I know you will never forget nor will I. But we have to rid ourselves of the pain, guilt, anguish eventually...we deserve it and of course Callaway and Brutus would want us to be happy. I have finally been able to show real affection to my other dogs and that feels good, I feel guilty that I left them behind for a couple months but I will make it up to them. I know I will have setbacks...I still get tears in my eyes occasionally, but I'm able to think of happy times with Brutus. And if I have problems, I know I can come here and get comfort from the great people. I'll be thinking of you and praying for your continued peace.

Hugs to you and your dear precious Callaway,
Sonya


Hi Sonya,

I felt that way too! When I would feel a little happy then I would feel guilty because how could I feel happy when Callaway isn't here or that he was starting to not be important to me anymore. I now know that I will always love him as much as I did when he was physically with me even if I do let go of the sadness. As you said both Brutus and Callaway would want us to be happy.

I too am starting to get close to my other dogs. I am taking them for walks a couple of times and day and playing with them as much as possible. I still wish Callaway was here so I could hug him but I am starting to accept the fact that he isn't here, but I will always feel the love that we shared.

I finally brought Callaway's ashes in from my husband's truck. He has been riding around with him for 5 months! I figured that he loved to go for car rides so he would be happy in his truck for as long as I needed to keep him there. I found a website where you can make your own pet urn. They show you how to engrave your own words, laminate your own pictures and it only costs around $14.00. Of course I don't care about the price but the thought of making it for him makes me happy.

In case anyone is interested in making their own pet urn here is the website:

http://www.woodpeturns.com/

I do feel so lucky to have found this forum. I got so much comfort over the past 5 months and now I can finally offer some comfort or advice to other people.

I am so glad to hear that you are doing better and that you are getting close to your other dogs again. I hope you continue to come here to support others (I'm sure you will) and I would love to get updates from you.

Take care Sonya!

Rhapsedy

Thank you so much Dottie! You are a true blessing to me and everyone on this forum. I am so glad that you came back, we were all so worried about you.

Rhapsedy