My dog, Ruby was about 14 years old. I say this because when she came to me Easter weekend 1997, she appeared to be about one year old but she may have been 2 or 3. So perhaps she was really 15 or 16. A friend had picked her up just walking around the country and learned she had come from a puppyfarm situation. He couldn't take her in so when I showed up he asked if I wanted to take her in.

I made the hardest decision of my life this past Tuesday morning about 1030am. She was dying from fluid accumulation in her lungs/abdomen from congestive heart failure. Little short breaths. I almost can't write this. There are all sorts of details that I don't seem to want to write at the moment.
I knew I had to make the euthansia decision and I did with the worst feeling I've ever had. Who was I to make such a momental decision for the one being who is/was my life and my heart.

She is now buried in the yard in the exact spot where she used to sit in the sun, relaxed and contented.

My vet was away so I was seeing the only other vet in the clinic for the past few days. I regret not asking for a home visit but I knew he would not be able to come until after 10pm and I couldn't make her suffer for another 12 hours. So we went and it was awful, not because she felt pain, but because she was fearful and I could see that.
Everyone was very caring and compassionate.

We brought her home. I snipped some of her soft fur for me to keep. I held her. We took some pictures, she just looked like she was sleeping. We took an impression of one of her paws. Then we wrapped her in blankets she knew, put in her favourite treat, her picture with all my words of love to her, and laid her to rest beneath the apple tree she sat under in the summertime. We put up a temporary marker and in the springtime I will get a permanent one made and put in.

We can see the marker from all our windows so I know she is not far away. I go out and talk to her.

But what I really really want most of all is to have her back beside me warm in the house. I can't start to describe the agony I feel in losing her. I don't eat or sleep much. I don't care what people think. I sit and stare. I say "Did I do the right thing?" and "Did I do the right thing (euthansia) in the right way?" I am racked with heaving sobs..actually wailing sort of...almost indescribable. I'm trying to "figure it all out"...coulda, woulda, shoulda....but deep down I know I did the thing she needed most from me .....end her suffering.

She went so quickly...that's the part that is so shocking....for me that is. I have her and then Bam! I have nothing but her body and my sorrow.

I hope I gave her a good life. There were parts I could have done better by far but I hope she forgave me for my screwups.

I had enormous trouble physically letting go of her body. I just sat with her limp in my arms at the vet and then again at home. I knew her body as well as I know my own. She was my baby I suppose.

Guess I don't have more to say at the moment..maybe later. Thanks for reading.

dear ruby. i am so sorry for your loss. i know how you are feeling. you know that agony you cant describe? i know it very well. the pain is indescribable. i wish there was something i could tell you that would make you feel better but there isnt. only time. but i do want you to know that you did the right thing. you gave her a gift; the gift of no more suffering and no more pain, out of love. you gave her a wonderful life and home and she left knowing that. i remember when fred my kitty died, i held him for so long after he had passed. i didnt want to let go either. hold on to the wonderful warm memories of ruby. what you are going thru is something we have all experienced. let it out, let it all out. you just lost a family member. its ok. just remember to breathe. i like to think that when they pass, they become our angels. i know that ruby is your angel now too.
im so sorry. please keep writing, even it it breaks your heart even more to do so, because its very healing.
youre not alone. lucy (my new little dog) and i send you a big bear hug (((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))
patricia

Hello Patricia and Lucy,

Your post made me cry and made me feel good. Thank you especially for that monster hug!.

I hadn't thought I was giving Ruby a gift but perhaps you are right.
I need to think about that. If I was not able to breathe properly I would want someone to end my suffering.

As the vet tech.was putting in the catheter for the anaesthetic all I could do was support Ruby's little head and tell her I was sorry
and it would be okay soon. I am comforted by the idea that the anaesthetic makes one lose consciousness (before the cardiac and respiratory
arrest) so it would be like going to sleep.

When I had surgery it was just like that except I woke up. So I'm thinking that Ruby thinks she's sleeping which is good to know.

Lots of thinking and introspection going on.

Thank you so much for your caring words..they mean much to me.

I'm so sorry for your loss..we all understand. I had my soulmate Brutus, 13yr old lab, euthanized on Nov. 16th..a month is coming up on Monday. We all know and feel your pain..it is heart wrenching. I too felt like I couldn't breathe for over two weeks..and still at times feel that way. I couldn't sleep or eat...I still cry every day but it's getting easier to cope...It has helped me tremendously being on this forum with those who so understand the pain. I still play the guilt game and question my timing of my decision every day but I do realize now that it is the last thing we can do for our beloved pets..helping them over the bridge...it is THE most unselfish act a pet owner can make. Time will help..and talking about it..you never get over it but together we can all make it through.

Hugs to you and your Ruby angel,
Brutus' Mom

Sad, so very sad, I cry reading these stories, because I know how you are feeling at the moment and I hate to think of anyone going through this awful kind of pain. I was in that horrendous place of utter despair only recently with the loss of my soul mate Ulriich, so I know exactly how you feel right now, it's indescribable and people who don't love the way we do just don't understand. I couldn't eat, sleep or function either, ended up on meds which helped me cope. I know you don't think so now, but with time you will heal, never forget them mind you, but learn to live around the loss.
You know you did the right thing, drowning in fluid is not the way you would have wanted your baby to go. I made the opposite decision once and I will have to live with that for the rest on my life. My terrier dog had been having injections for years to relieve the fluid build up in his lungs and they always worked until that last one. The vet said to maybe put him to sleep, but I said just try one more and if he doesn't respond then I will bring him back tomorrow. Well he didn't last 'till tomorrow and drowned that night, I found him dead on the floor in the morning and I hated myself for being so selfish in wanting to keep him going. That was 30 yrs ago and I still think about it, so your baby will be blessing you for the decision you made out of love and not selfishness. Hugs to you.

madi xx

dear ruby, please take a hug from me and lucy anytime! and yes theres a lot of thinking to do. i lost my fred nine months ago and i still have that throbbing pain in my heart. its a lot less but certainly there nonetheless.
in the begininning all i could remember was the last minutes of his life. but i had to force myslef to remember the happy times, the times when he would make me smile and laugh out loud. to this day i go back and forth, thinking sometimes that i wish i hadnt been there when they injected him because the image of him taking his last breathe, well, it will forever haunt me and everytime i (still) think about those last minutes, i die a little inside. but i am so grateful that i had those minutes with him as im glad you were with ruby when she passed. how wonderful that they passed away in the arms of someone who loved them with all their heart and might. some furkids and people arent that lucky and although we will have to live with that pain forever, use that pain as a constant reminder of how great your love was for ruby and ruby's was for you. ruby is no longer in any pain or discomfort and isnt that what we want for our loved ones? shes ok now. it just stinks because we are left with that hole in our heart and that seemingly never-ending sadness. but i do promise that time will heal your heart and all that will be left are warm happy memories. you wont believe this right now but there will come a time when you will be able to talk about ruby with a smile instead of tears. like i said before, you are not alone.
lots and lots of hugs ( so that you can store them and use them up when you need them) from lucy and me ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
patricia

Dear Ruby,

I am so sorry for your loss. Your story made me cry because I so understand the heartbreak you're going through. I lost my baby on April 17th. My dog, Austin, was only 7 when he had a heart attack and died while playing ball - his favorite thing in the whole world. For the first few days I did nothing but sleep (an escape, I know) and cry. That was the first time I ever felt so much grief it hurt to breathe. I took time off from work and I, too, was given a prescription help me cope. No one who has never loved a pet can understand the depth of the hole it leaves in your heart when they leave us. I can honestly tell you that eventually you will feel better, but you need to go easy on yourself and give yourself the time you need to greive before you can begin to heal. I was so grateful when I found this website because of the wonderful, caring people who are here to help us through these sad times. Please keep writing, pour out your grief, write about your baby. Hopefully you will find it cathartic and we are all here to be a shoulder to cry on.

Carol

In Loving Memory of Austin
My Friend and My Baby

Dear Ruby

I have just read your posting and I am crying for you. You did the most loving and kindest thing you could for your Ruby. The hardest thing you will ever have to do, but you had to make that decision so that she would not suffer, and she knows you were there for her as you were throughout her life.

My two darling angel girls are also in my garden, in the place they used to love to play and sit together. I really do feel for you and understand the pain you are going through.

Your Ruby would not want you to be sad, I know its so hard not to be, as we miss then so very much, but for their loving sakes we must try and be as they would want us to be. She will be watching over you and knowing just how much you care.
Wish I could say more to help. Take each day at a time and hopefully the dreadful pain will lessen. We all have to grieve in our own way, but please let us know how you are and never think that you are alone. There are such wonderful people on this Forum who understand and are there to offer any support they can.
Thinking of you
Love and hugs
Jan x

Hello.

I want to thank you all for replying to my story and helping me with your love and support.

It's been two today since my little Ruby left. I go out and talk with her in the yard. I haven't picked up all
her stuff around the house....not ready to do that yet.

It's been tough. I often feel as if I'm forgetting to do something....the "something" is all the stuff I did to take care
of my loved baby. Letting her out, going on walks with her, playing and talking to her, putting her food out...all
the things you do when you care for another being.

I'm terrifically sad. I've been making a point of petting every dog I see which makes me feel good. I offer dog treats.

That feels good.

We took a pawprint impression of Ruby. I'm going to seal that so it doesn't crack. Also plan to make up an album of all the photos
I have of her. In the meantime I just hold tight.....

Thanks again for reading. I've been reading the other posts here and my heart goes out to everyone.

oh, I know that feeling...although I have two other dogs...I am always feeling like I'm forgetting to do something. Brutus was high maintenance and the other two are not. I really feel like I'm not needed sometimes.

That is so great that you took an imprint of Ruby's paw...I wish I would of thought of that.

Hugs to you and your fur Angel Ruby,
Brutus' Mom

Hi, Brutus' Mom...thanks for the nice words. It sure helps me to post here knowing that others have gone through
how I feel.

I stole the pawprint idea from a pet cemetary brochure the vet had given us. Of course their pawprints
are professionally done in terra cotta clay...ours was done with the cement we had in the basement because it's
the only thing we could think of fast. I don't care....I like it and that's what counts. I touch it with my finger which makes
me feel closer to her. It helps me.

Will talk again again..thanks so much.

We never did need to use the services of the pet cemetary the vet had told us about.

I just couldn't let her go so far away...so as I've mentioned she's at home with us in her fav. backyard spot.

Hugs and support to all.

Dear Ruby--

I just read your story for the first time, and I must say...I think it should be "pinned" to be an "important topic." You are so eloquent, and so kind to yourself, and so full of the kinds of feelings that we all have when we lose our beloved 4-leggeds (or 3-leggeds, in some cases.) My last loss was just two weeks ago--Poppers, a joyous, loving, eager to please, happy-go-lucky sort of Labrador, who died fairly gracefully at home, thank God.

Seriously, your feelings are so universal, and you have such a good attitude about it all, I think your first post deserves special recognition. I miss Ruby too now, and I never knew her, but I feel that I do now.

Blessings to you for not feeling just horrible about the whole thing, but for trying to find the grace in it too. There IS grace in these passings, if we can but recognize it!

Big Hugs--Margi

Hi Margi/Ladywolf,

I'm so sorry about Poppers....I'm glad Poppers passed away peacefully at home.

I am flattered by your generous comments re: my post. Everyone here has been wonderfully supportive and kind.

I have read the posts here and the pain/loss is palpable in everyone's personal story of their beloved pet.

I am usually confused why people shy away from an honest expression of feeling upon the death of a loved pet/person.
I understand people need to deal with these things in their own way and I would never try to impose what I do on another.
I suppose some people think it will make them appear "weak" if they take the plunge and let it out. Mind,,,it can be scary because
there's always someone in the crowd who wants to stop you.

So I tend to look for folks who deal with these things in the way I do.

I didn't hear much from certain people in my life when I let them know Ruby had passed away. I was surprised at times by the
lack of interest...
But then I received a lovely card from my neighbour (who has a sweet dog) with such compassion and kindness that I was totally floored!

I liked your comment about grace....dealling with life with all its joy, trials, and tribulations in a graceful manner.

Thank you.