Hi Everyone,

I am heartbroken over the last decision I made for my amazing cat, Shadow. He passed Monday morning at the age of 15 due to complications from feline carcinoma. It was a natural passing in my home while I was readying him for the vets. I did not want a natural death for him. I was hoping for a more peaceful end. I am struggling with the decisions I made at the end of a life of being treasured and loved.

He had a wonderful life. It sounds corny, but I called him "my little lion." My old vet said he was a "Rottweiler of cats" - a strong, indoor/outdoor domestic shorthair that had seen it all, even before I got him at 4 years old. And he was a treasure each and every day.

Last April, he was diagnosed with carcinoma. I took him for a second opinion. The specialist I visited said he had 6 weeks to live. They couldn't tell the tumor's origination and extent from scans alone. He could only truly be evaluated through surgery. Based on the area of the mass and the type of cancer he had, she said that even if he had surgery, he might have to be "euthanized on the table." Even if he survived, he'd endure chemo and radiation that might not succeed. The prognosis was so poor that I did not want him to suffer through those treatments at 14 1/2 years old. So I dedicated my life to the quality of his.

His spirit and quality of life were excellent - right up to his last few days. It was amazing to watch the weeks, and months, and even another birthday pass with him winning against the disease. He was such a fighter. I had fallen victim to the idea that Shadow could beat anything - that he was Supercat. And I had always believed he would fight until the end.

This last week, he became weaker. I took him to the vets on Friday night; less than 3 days before his passing. She said that besides some dehydration, it was ok to take him home. She gave him a subcutaneous fluid injection and asked me to look for discomfort.

From Friday night to Monday morning he precipitously declined. Way too quickly when compared to his months of fighting. But it was a decline that had elements of similar scares in recent months that turned out to be treatable - a cold or mild dehydration. He kept giving me those signs that he was going to be Supercat yet again. As late as Sunday night he came bounding down the stairs to look outside of the front door! He was very weak but he ate a little, especially when I provided it for him. He also used his box from time to time. He'd purr when I was with him and come to me when I called.

Since the signs were mixed, I made an appointment with my vet for the Monday morning.

I did not think of Sunday night as his "last night." I tried to make it as normal and comfortable for him as possible. I took him upstairs and laid him beside me. At about midnight, I felt him jump over me to jump off the bed. So I got up as I often do, laid him on the floor so he wouldn't have to jump, and went back to sleep. Between his trip down the stairs and his leap on the bed, I was confident that he had enough fight in him to make it to the vets.

I woke up in the predawn on Monday, just 5 hours after I saw him jumping, to find him completely exhausted. I laid him on his favorite ottoman and comforted him as best I could, kneeling besides him and petting him while I watched the clock. I struggled with my decision - whether to take him to the local ER that was hit or miss, or to wait for the vet I was happy with.

I was very upset that the specialist gave me a 6 week prognosis that discouraged my desire for surgery. I lost trust in some of those that cared for him. This included the ER. I trusted the vet I was scheduled to see. So I was torn. I sat and looked intently for any sign of pain. Besides being very weak, I saw no indication that he was suffering. In retrospect, I assume that like many cats, Shadow must have hid his pain.

He laid quietly and peacefully in the predawn for a few moments while I kneeled beside him, petting him and quietly telling him what a great cat he was, as I had done countless times before. I asked him to please let me know when it was time. That was our goodbye.

As first light approached, I looked in his eyes. I noticed they barely reacted to the changing light. I gently picked him up and he didn't return my gaze for the first time in...as long as I could remember. I scrambled to get him to the ER.

A moment after I left his side, he became uncomfortable. It was unbelievably sad. I was devastated yet determined. I wasn't sure if it was his first expression of pain - a tragic signal that would tell me it was time for his final trip to the vets - or the end. After pausing with him for a moment and seeing if he was still with me, I kept telling him to stay with me as I ran to get things together, got his carrier, placed him in it, ran to my car, found my keys and got one of his blankets, and started driving.

By the time I backed out of my garage he was gone.

From the time I saw his eyes to the end was less than 10 minutes.

I kept driving as if in a trance. I drove to the vets and parked in front, looked up at their operating room which was visible from the ground floor. I cursed myself and the world for not giving me ten more minutes....ten more minutes so I could save him from his pain.

I know I have much to be thankful for. He was at home, I was there, and he must have heard me talking to him. He must have felt me kneel beside him and lay my hand on his belly while gazing into his eyes, placed him in the carrier, and finally, was running for his life. I know in my heart that even if I took him to the vets immediately, he would have passed there during diagnostics..maybe even due to stress on the way. But that doesn't help me.

I am wracked with guilt over my decision to comfort him after I woke up when I could have acted for him instead. I am wracked with guilt over seeing that visit to the vets on Friday as an indication that I could "give it another night," that "maybe he just had a cold," and that "maybe he would amaze me again." I'm furious at myself for not seeing the signs, for taking Friday's clean bill of health at face value...for believing it when they told me he had 6 weeks.

For those who have faced these feelings and dealt with a precipitous decline, do you ever get to a positive place where the natural light can finally shine through? I'm unable to see through the moment of his passing to the 11 great years we had together.

That scares me because I have invested so much heart in him. I know I made him feel cherished. I have a million keepsakes of our life together. I said 100 amazing goodbyes in those eight months I had with him. I know that though we may make mistakes with our pets, I don't deserve the full burden of this guilt. I need to know that scrambling to get him care was not a betrayal of a bond that was based on touch and sight - being held, petted, and looked at. I need to see the beauty in that last minute fight to stop that brief flash of pain.

There was also something about the way this thing happened to both of us, the little details of those final moments that only I know about, that marked my life with this most amazing companion, who by chance and miracle of God was given to me. I won't get into the details, but safe to say we both went out fighting. We fought until the end.

I just hope he knew that I was scrambling around in that last two minutes because I loved him, I wanted him to be cared for, and...I simply didn't want him to go. I need to know that those quiet few moments where we were so close, where I knelt before him, was the true goodbye he wanted and deserved.

If you ever saw the movie Shawshank Redemption, there is a line that says it best: "I guess I just miss my friend." I am a person...and I dont think I've said or written this before...that was closer to his cat than just about anyone on earth.

And I feel so badly I wasn't holding him closer when he said his final goodbye.

I guess what it boils down to is I just miss my friend.

Dear Jkarias

Oh I want to say so much to you, but words are failing me. I want to help but feel helpless as I know the pain is so unbearable.
One particular line in your post stands out for me, and is the one that must give you comfort 'His spirit and quality of life were excellent - right up to the last few days' . Believe me, everything that you did, was the right thing for your darling Shadow. He would know that.
There is no way for them to leave us that is right in our minds. We feel so guilty, if we do get our precious darlings to the vets , or if we don't , if they have to be helped on their way to their final sleep(I still can't bear to say the word -euthanised), if they leave us in their sleep. In our hearts there will never be a 'right' way for them to leave us.
At home with you, having you love and care for him in a place he loves, that has to be the best , for him and for you. Better than in the clinical environment of the vets. He knew when his time was right, for him.. and for you. Please take comfort in that.
I really want you to know that I feel your suffering. You must cope with your grief in your own way in your own time. I think you did the best thing by sharing Shadows story with the caring people on this website. I wouldn't have been able to get through this last 3 months without their help. Please never feel alone. Shadow will be taking care of you too, I'm sure of that.

Thinking of you.
Love Jan x

Sorry to read about Shadow...sounds like the two of you had an amazing life together!! It's never easy or trying to make the decision to have peace for your baby and it seems no matter which way it ends, it's always the opposite of how we intended. I have a similar story, however I wanted Nutmeg to just pass away at home so I could avoid the trauma of the vet, she had been going downhill for the few weeks preceding her death so I knew it was imminent but she became so distressed in her breathing that I made the appt. to put her to sleep but she decided to pass away as soon as I got to the Vet so it never turns out the way you want it to.

It's been close to 3 months for me and my heart still aches and when I sit quietly and let that day take over my thoughts it can still be rough but time heals. I know exactly how you are feeling right now- sickened I am sure! It was just Nutmeg and me for nearly 19 years.

Shadow knows that you loved him dearly and he picked his time to go, I am truly sorry for your loss and just keep posting and reading, it really does help!!

How very sad, your story really touched my heart. As I've said so many times before, we always make the right decision at the time but it doesn't seem to matter what our choice is, we always think it's the wrong one when our darlings do go. When I read each and everyone of these stories, I think, yes, they've done the right thing, because you know your pet better than anyone else. Oh, I feel so very sad for you, hugs and love.

madi xx

My heart goes out to you. The quilt is worse then the pain and that is pretty hard to come close to. I just had to put my baby max down last wens and the quilt of taking him there to be helped and then putting him down the quilt is what is streaming down my face. I promised him the night before I would not let him suffer mommy was taking him to the doctor I didnt promise to put him down so now the quilt is overwelming. Giving options to keep him alittle longer for the holidays on steriods and the thought of him comming home and still suffering if the steriods didn't help. At that very momment I didnt want him to suffer like you feel. I wish you well and hope because no matter how we loose them it HURTS!!!!!!!. IN your situtation he was meant to be with you that one more day. I know you say that you didn't want
a nature death but beleive in your heart that is what he choose for you. They say things happen for a reason and maybe Shadow didnt want you to carry the guilt like I am is it the right time. Or did you do the right thing Have peace knowing he knew you where frantic and you knew it was by gods hands that took him to the rainbow. I tried to tell myself god would not have givin me the strength to put my baby down if it wasnt the right decission but the guilt just wont go away. My prayers will be with you and Shadow.

Anna

Your story sounds so much like how devistated I was when I felt I had failed my kitty by waiting to take her to end her struggle.

She was born outside, found under a pile of lumber when we came home one night to find 3 kitties dead in our yard so who knows what had happened while we were gone. We never knew there was a mama cat with kittens around in the woods till then. We heard her meowing so got a flashlight & started looking for survivors. We saw a beautiful Calico sitting at the edge of the trees calling to this kitty & lifted the boards so she could get out. It took me a long time to get this kitty in the house. Food bowl moved closer & closer. Mom would coax her to come to the dish & we would watch from inside. Mom moved her around the area so we never knew where they would emerge from the woods. Mom was an easy one to get in the house but the kitty took a long time. She never would go in or out if you stood by the door so we would prop the door & walk away so she would come in or out.

You could never pick her up... she had to come to you & get on the bed or lap and only would come to me or our daughter. Hid most of the time. I found homes for her Mom & some other cats I had taken in but knew she would have to stay with us. She became indoor only when we moved and adjusted to livining with our other cat & dog. We adjusted to how she was and gave her a good home in a safe environment for about 14 years.

She developed cancer and surgery was not recommended. I promised her she would not suffer. Long story short she had a couple of fluid shots along the way when she was dehydrated, seemed to be free of pain but losing weight, eating less but doing OK. Last fluid shot she rallied and I was encouraged so made an appointment to check her & consider another fluid shot just before my super busy days at work coming up in about 2 weeks. Before that appointment I came home a bit later than normal from work to find her struggling for breath & too weak to pull herself out. So called our vet for them to meet me so we could end her suffering. She had by that time tried to pull herself out to me and I got her out, wrapped her up in a blanket and headed out..............
accept it happened the way it did.
We never made it! So I know exactly how you feel.................... the passing was not pleasant for either of us and she was gone just 1 block from help. I struggled with the guilt for a long, long time. Vowed I will never wait too long ever again. She was not my favorite cat since she was so different but she was beautiful, had the fur of a bunny and needed us to take care of her.

So I understand what you went through with the waiting so long, the guilt you feel about not fulfilling your promise but you will survive and you will be able to function again. How long? Boy, for me it was a long time and I still hate that it ended that way for her. But it is what it is and she had a good home and life for a long time as did your wonderful Shadow. It is so hard to be POSITIVE about t when the "right" time is. We do the best we can for our companions who trust us so completely and just try to let them know they are loved and comfort them when they need it.

Shadow knew you were scrambling for help. I can't tell you not to feel guilty because I did the same thing. But you must TRY to accept things happened the way they did because you are human and some things we cannot control completely. Pet loss is more difficult I think sometimes becuse there is no "conversation" about where it hurts, how they really feel, what they really want.... it's all our connection to their actions, responses to our moods and the look in their eyes that forms such a special bond.

You'll find much support here. Take all the time you need and visit here for as long as necessary. Post your feelings freely as we all understand like many others do not.

Thanks so much for your thoughtful replies. Thank you all. I hope I'll be able to visit your own threads and contribute soon.