Hi,

What do you do to keep yourself busy? It's Sunday and every time I try and think of something to do I just start crying again. I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept getting out of bed, turning the TV on, watching it for ten minutes and then crying and had to find something else to do.
I took a couple of photos of Nataisa yesterday. I had collected her from the vet so I could spend her last few hours with her. I am waiting for the shops to open so I can get those photos printed. I know as soon as I see the photos the tears will start flowing again. I went to the supermarket last night and became tearful as I passed the deli and cat food areas. I have been visiting both shops every 2 days to buy fresh and tinned food to try and motivate Nataisa to eat.
I don’t think I will be able to go to work on Monday. I teach young children and it would be difficult if I started crying in front of the class and I think this is quite likely to happen. Also I may be able to collect her ashes on Monday. I am not sure if this will help. At this stage I really want her ashes here. I found a tiny clump of her hair on the floor last night. She was always leaving hair everywhere.
Maybe I will have a coffee and sit in the corner of a café and view the photos when printed. Later I will probably ask my mum to come over for a roast meal. I really don’t want to be alone but I am crying most of the time, so it is a bit difficult to be with people. Also I don’t really know anyone that understands this type of grief. The people I know have already lacked empathy and have found it difficult to understand the time, money and effort that have been used to support Nataisa. My neighbor knocked on my door yesterday. I tried to explain I was spending Nataisa’s last day with her. She looked bewildered and said, ‘well she’s had a good long life’ and then left .I don’t care that Nataisa was old I still want her here. I just don’t know what to do with myself. These feelings are so painfull. They are so much worse than I thought they would be.
Liz

Liz,

What I found to "keep busy" is to keep up with this forum....none of my friends or family understand what i feel over losing my little precious Bitsy, as I know that no one can understand how you feel over losing Nataisa. We each have to deal with the individual pain in our own ways, but we all can share the grief together. Use this forum to cry, scream, laugh, hug, whatever your feeling at the time, we are here to share with you. We have all "been there", and we are all willing to help you through this!


Andy

Liz, I'm so sorry about your Nataisa. We really do understand your pain. I found that right after my cat, Frasier, died that there wasn't anything to keep me busy enough to help the pain. Later on keeping busy helped but not right at first. I think as hard as it is, you just have to let yourself feel the pain. I just kept telling myself to breathe and endure. It's like it just has to wash all over you again and again before you can function somewhat normally.
It's good that you took pictures but don't be surprised if they bring you no relief at first. Everything seems to hurt at first, you know? Even brushing my teeth hurt! There just wasn't anything in my world that hadn't involved Frasier at some point. Pictures of him just proved that even more and they seemed to hurt me in the beginning. Now I look at his pictures and I smile but still feel that sadness and longing. Sometimes when I look at his pictures now, I just walk away and say, "Crap." (I hope that's ok to say on this forum) But that's what I feel.
Anyway, I'm sorry you're going through this. You've come to the right place. No one here will think you're crazy!
-Donna

Thanks Andy and Donna,

I know grieving is part of the process. But surely it is not meant to hurt this much. I have no idea how to cope. I went out for a while today to print out more photos but every time a shop assistant asked 'how's your day?’ that was enough to start the tears. I couldn’t help it. I just want Nataisa back. I just can't think of life without her. I live by myself and she has been my support for so many years. I need her here. The evenings are long, still can't sleep. I have placed her recent photos on the bench. I love looking at them. Although they are mainly of her last day, I had started to think that she looked OK and maybe there was something else we could have tried. Of course there was nothing we could have tried but I wish there had been something. Those 18 years went to fast. I want to hold her, pat her and tell her how much I love her. Her ashes didn't arrive back at the vet today so they should be there tomorrow. Sometimes I just can't believe she is gone. I am going to see a counsellor tomorrow. I am hoping that he will help me handle going back to work on Wednesday. I will post how the session goes tomorrow night.
Bye,
Liz

Hi Liz
Its 2 months since I lost my darling samoyed Noushka. I've been on this website many times since then. I've just had another crying session and I needed the company of like minded people who are also suffering the heartache of losing a beloved pet. No-one can take away the pain that you are feeling but it might help you to know that I have done all the things that you have mentioned, such as the photos and finding clumps of hair. Noushka was with us for 13 years and your Nataisa I believe was 18. You certainly must have loved her and looked after her so well. We must try and remember all the happy times and the love that we shared and know that they loved us so much and were always unhappy when we were unhappy, so for their sakes we must carry on.
The heartache will gradually ease, but it doesn't mean we think any the less of them or love them less. I lost my first samoyed , Tasha almost 3 years ago, when she was 14. I was absolutely heartbroken then. Noushka helped me to carry on, and we helped each other as she missed her so much too. Now they are both gone and my life seems so empty without them.
We must think of the positive things that our pets gave us and be so happy that we got to share our lives with them.
Please be strong and remember that like my two Sammies, your Nataisa will always be a part of you and want you to remember her in a Happy way.
If you can get back to your school and the children you may feel a little better. I know being with my young grandchildren helps me.
Thinking of you with love.
Jan

Hi Natasia,

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. The majority of people (mostly those who do not have pets) may not understand your grief right now, but believe me, people in here totally understand.

I know it has been over three months since my beloved Harley left us, and there are certain things today that make me tear up and feel sad. I see the trails we walked on, the blankies he loved to lay on, his dog buddies out walking with their owners.

I guess the reason why we hurt so bad, is we realize just how much our pets become part of our lives and how much they allow us to love unconditionally. We can learn so much from our pets. They bring out qualities in us that we never thought we were capable of having and in a world today that seems short of the many qualities our pets give us, such as loyalty, unconditional love, and acceptance, they become that more precious to us. That's why we miss them so much when they are gone.

Keep coming to this forum. It truly is a wonderful place to help you in your grieving and healing.

Take care
Peace & Love
Ben

It's been six/three months for me, and I still miss Jason/Fred. There are certain times of day that we had little routines, which is when I miss them most. I think that is how they live on, in out remembering the small things they did that endeared them to us. Remember those things, and they are never totally gone. We have two new cats now, but we still remember, talk and laugh about the things Jason and Fred did. I made several pages of notes about each cat, very detailed, and it helps me remember the way they lived their lives, in a very detailed way.

They are always with us in spirit. I still miss them terribly, I don't think you can stop it, but I think we can be proud that we looked after them so well while we had them, and I appreciate the time they were with us, and that they were happy. I'm sure Nataisa would have no regrets - just love and gratitude. Treasure your memories, they are important

Hi Natasia, I lost my Ralphie 5 weeks ago to Lymphoma. (Female Kitty ). She was almost 16 years old. The other's who have kindly written to you are so right. This Forum does help. I have not written in a while. Just reading. Now I feel I am at the point that Helping others with what we all go through is also helping me. I know you are hurting so, so bad. Keep thinking of the Happy Times with Natasia. It does help. I actually smiled about something Ralphie did that I remembered and my husband smiled with me. I still miss her so much. Take your time with your feelings. This is the place to be. Please take care of yourself. Pamela

Hi all,

Thank you for your support. It’s obvious you know and have experienced sadness, hurt and emptiness also. I went to the counsellor, which help a bit. He was softly spoken and tried to comfort but every time he tried to say something I would say ‘yes, I know but I just want Natasia back’. Her ashes didn’t arrive back until late Tuesday. I was happy to have them. I had been thinking of where to place them. On the Sunday I had purchased a small teddy bear to hug. It was soft and felt good to hold. I decided to place Nataisa’s ashes inside, so I could hug her when ever I needed. I actually purchased two bears. They now sit beside each other. I have given her bear three charm necklaces – peace, love and dream. I was going to get a Saint Francis one but discovered the others first and thought they expressed some of my feelings for Nataisa. I wish her peace, I still love her dearly. I pray she is spending her time dreaming beautiful dreams. Nataisa’s teddy is sitting in front of the computer with me now. The other teddy is sitting on the chair beside us. It helps and both bears provide a calming and warm feeling. I went back to work on Wednesday and shed more tears when talking about Nataisa. Generally the people where supportive or a least were trying to help. I have been fairly short-tempered with the children in the class. I have been sending them up to the Principal for bad behaviour, so he is not impressed with my teaching at the moment. He is a really nice guy. I don’t think anyone has told him why I am not myself. I also received a sympathy card from the vet that started the tears again tonight.
Bye and love,
Liz

I am sorry for your loss. I am not really sure that keeping busy always helps, although sometimes it might. I think sometimes, though, it's good to take time to not be busy and to let ourselves feel the loss and the pain. You lost someone you love. There's no real way to cover that up, you know?

I love the idea of having the ashes in a teddy bear.

Magdalene

It makes me sad reading your story and I can empathise with you when you say " I just want her back" that's all I could say when I lost by darling cat Ulriich, "I just want him back" I ended up at the doctor's surgery after 2 weeks of not eating or sleeping, but the doctor just kept asking questions about what else was bothering me, because he didn't think I could be that distraught about just losing my cat. He thought I must have some major issue other than what I went there for, so I came home without any resolve or understanding and a prescription for antidepressants, which I did take and did eventually help me to eat and sleep, but not forget. I have discovered that it is your fellow animal lovers that see you through the worst of the pain.
I do hope you find some peace.

madi xx

Hi Liz
The teddy bear for Nataisa is the most lovely idea. I wish I'd thought of that. You can hold her close to you and it must give you so much comfort. Noushka's ashes ,we buried in our garden next to her best friend , our darling Tasha, who left us 3 years ago. They're Samoyeds and always loved playing in the garden, especially in the snow. We planted loads of snowdrops all over them and other white spring bulbs. Also 2 white flowering shrubs in the garden at the side of them. I'm looking out there now, oh how I wish I could see them playing out there. I know they're with me as I can always feel their presence, but not being able to hug them and do the physical thinks like grooming, feeding, walking them and playing with them , hurts so much. It's like a great ache in my chest. Some days it doesn't feel as bad but others it is unbearable. It's understandable that we feel this way, as these beloved friends share our lives with us for hopefully many years, and when they move on to the next world and leave us physically, we miss them as we would any loved one.
Keep thinking of the good times and give teddy bear a big hug for me.
I was pleased that you managed to get back to your children at school, but I bet it was dreadful for you , having to keep going. Children are very understanding at times like this and many of them will maybe have lost a furry friend themselves. My little 5 year old grandson says he misses Noushka, every time he comes to visit, then I look sad and he says" She's ok nanni, she's playing with Tasha in Heaven and she's fine". Maybe if you can bring yourself to tell them about your Nataisa, even maybe do a project about their pets, it might help and you can explain thats why you are a little grumpy at the moment as you are missing her, and can they help you out through this, as you would with them I'm sure. I'm no teacher, but was a play leader for many years working with 3-5year olds. I don't know what age you teach but I think at any age it is worthwhile learning about caring for our furry friends and understanding how important they are in our lives. Bet you 'Head' would be more understanding too, if he knew what you're going through.
Hopefully he is a pet lover too.
Please let us know how you are, and remember, that being part of this caring community and sharing our grief, even being able to write about how we feel, somehow , just makes the pain a little more bearable.
Thinking of you with love
Jan