I'm not sure I can type this but I'm hoping that getting it out will help ease the pain a little. Stella our 9 year old chocolate lab passed away yesterday in my arms. She had two mast cell tumors removed within the last year but she had gotten another one and our Oncology vet told us it had spread to her lymph node. We made the decision in September to start her on Palladia, a new drug which was approved in June. We had her on it for 6 weeks but she developed more tumors and her lymph node ducts were swollen making her not use her front leg.
On Friday we decided to try a different chemo-drug and give her until Monday to see if we saw it would help. Up until this time, she was a champ and was eating, getting food off the counter and still getting into the garbage and didn't seem to be in any pain.
This all changed on Friday night. When I offered her a treat she wouldn't take it. She did finally drink some water in the middle of the night but still wouldn't eat. I wasn't too worried because the doctor said the drug may make her nauseas. But with her not eating, I couldn't get any of her other meds down. My husband took her into our regular vet and he gave her a shot of b12 to spark her appetite.
It didn't help and by Sunday morning when she went out to go the bathroom it was all she could do to get inside the door. She couldn't walk anymore and we laid down right there. I yelled to my husband that we needed to call the vet and put her down. I was trying to give her water through a syringe but it didn't seem to help. She was having such labored breathing and I think she was getting dehydrated and everything was shutting down.
Of course it was Sunday and we couldn't get ahold of our vet. We drove to his house but couldn't locate him. One of us was with Stella the whole time. We never left the spot by the door. Our Oncology vet told us to call her if we couldn't get ahold of our regular one but I was afraid to make the hour trip to her office. I kept thinking Dr. Brown would call soon and he just lives down the road. I sent my husband over there again but still nobody there.
My girlfriend came and picked up my kids and even when she came in Stella lifted her head and aknowledged her. I just kept holding her and kissing her. My husband was outside working and there came that moment when I knew it was her time. She tried to get up, collapsed over, and her breathing became even more intense. I yelled at my husband to come in and with in seconds she let out and yelp and a jerk and I told her it was ok to let go she did. I can't get this image out of my head. I stayed with her while my husband went out to dig her a hole. I just didn't want to let her go.
We wrapped her in a blanket and put her in but waited until the kids were home to do our ceremony and bury her with a few things they thought she would like.
I never thought the pain and the guilt would be so overwhelming. It was all I could do today to get dressed and get my 3 year old to the park. Otherwise she would have just sat and watched tv all day because I can't handle anything else.

I feel guilty that we didn't put Stella down on Saturday so she wouldn't have had to go through all that. I was blinded by the hope that she would pull through and it was just the new medication making her sick for a little bit and she would get over it. How could I put her through all that. She never seemed to be in pain but how could she have not been. I hope she didn't look at me and wonder how I could be putting her through that. Why oh why couldn't have Dr Brown been home. WHy couln't he say to my husband on Saturday that she needed to be put down. Why didn't we drive the hour to the other vet?
I try to tell myself that she was home and in my arms and that was the way she wanted to go but how do I know. Those last seconds are so vivid and so painful for me and for her that I wonder if she died hating me for putting her through that. I feel like it would have been so much better for her to be put to sleep.
How do I get through these feelings and get to a better place.. I don't feel like doing anything but with three kids I must.
If you made it this far, THanks so much for listening. It does help to talk a little.
Heather Frisk

Dear heather

i am so very sorry to hear about stella. one of the hardest things to do is to allow ourselves to release the guilt. how different things would be if they could talk to us, but they cant. i know that right now there is really nothing i can say to make you feel better. the only thing that heals is time. but if i may i would like to say to you that our wonderful furbabies are 100% love. they can never hate us. you were a wonderful mom to stella and she left this earth knowing just that. we love our pets so much that no matter what happens we feel guilty. ive had to put my beautiful babies to sleep and the pain was so great and the guilt was even greater. the what ifs take over. what im trying to say is that you would feel guilty no matter what. but stella would not want you to feel like this. hang on to the fact that she is in a wonderful place now where she has many new friends and where she doesnt feel anymore pain. this will get you thru some of your hardest times.
and its ok to be grieve. you just lost your family member, one that loved you and your family unconditionally. but know that she still does, only now shes looking after you from above.

keep writing. it is very healing. it is what got me thru some of my darkest days. and please know that you are not alone. we are here for you
you are in my thoughts and prayers.
patricia

Heather,

It does not seem like it now but everything you are feeling will ease up one day. How soon? that is the 64,000 dollar question. It takes different amounts of time for each of us.

You did everything you felt was best for Stella. I don't think anyone can ever be sure if the what if's & why didn't or why wasn't question can be answered. I've had a similar situation with a cat I lost. Should have put her to sleep and thought she was doing OK and then couldn't get the vet on the phone. Left a message and when they called back agreed to meet me so we could put her to sleep. She died in my arms 1 block from the office and screamed and jerked around also. That haunted me for a very long time. But I did heal. Took me a bit longer than other losses as I felt so guilty.

You will go through all of the second guessing yourself no mater the circumstance. I still am questioning myself about my Flossie that I had for 17-1/2 years and put her down last October 30th. I still cry and miss her as well as still second guess if I could have held out a bit longer. My head knows I did the right thing but my heart still hurts.

We just cannot be in full control of things that happen sometimes. I guess life/death for both ourselves, family and pets are things that we just cannot completely control. Only make the best decisions possible based on the information we have at the time. Sometimes those decisions made by listening to the heart do not work and sometimes they do. So try listening to what you know to be true in your mind rather than your heart about Stella. Your mind will no doubt tell you did all you could. Your heart will disagree but that is just because of the loss you are experiencing. Your mind and your heart are both correct because they each show the love you have for Stella.

Is this loss going to be easy? No. But sharing your feelings, thoughts, concerns here are very healing. We have been where you are. Some ARE where you are and we all understand completely what you are going through. Many people you know may not have ever had the joy of knowing a pet such as Stella and will not be understanding or comforting but everyone here does understand and many will offer words of comfort as long as you need it.

I am so sorry for your loss. Come here as often and as long as you need to. Post pictures of your beautiful Stella when you feel up to it.

Ginger

Heather, I am so sorry for the intense grief that you feel, and the sense of panic and helplessness that you felt taking care of your dear Stella in her last days. I lost my 9-year old golden retriever. Abbeymae, in January, and I am still haunted by the way things went down. We had the vet come and put her to sleep in our home, probably just a couple days before she reached the stage that you described. But Abbey had stopped eating, drinking, going to the bathroom, and she would just lie in snow, nose-augered in, and try and "die" on her own outside. Even though we had her euthanized, I still can't forget her last moments and her last breaths. What makes matters worse, is the night before, when she was feeling so miserable, it confirmed I had made the right decision, but the next morning when the vet came to the door, she sprang up with a sign of happiness and renewed vitality that was totally shocking. I was so confused and I felt sick and I didn't know what to do. So after talking with the vet, we went through with it. But it felt wrong, and to this day, I have huge regrets about choosing that method at that time, and I'm tortured by thoughts that if I had given her another day or two, maybe a miracle would have happened and she would have turned around for a spell and I'd have had more time with her. I've felt that she hates me for cutting her life short when she might have still had some fight left in her. At least you know that Stella lived her life to its natural end, and you were right there to comfort her.

So, I guess what it boils down to is that there are just no good ways to ever lose our dear companions. We love them and we can't stand to have them suffer, and lose them - no matter how it plays out. But we all try to do everything we think is best at the time - with all those mixed emotions clouding our decisions. I'm certain that our babies know this with all their hearts. And they were grateful for their wonderful lives as beloved members of our families.

It is very hard to go on with life after such a trauma. After trying so hard, so intensely, for so long, while loving an animal so much. The guilt is a normal part of the grief process, so they say. I'm still waiting for life to feel normal again. Without Abbey back, that's never going to happen. Just a new normal to adjust to now. One that I'm rejecting in defiance, but it doesn't help. Sometimes I'm glad for the distractions of the household and my job to relieve me from the emptiness. Don't try and rush, and don't fight how you feel. Baby steps is all we can take. The deeper the love, the greater the loss. Our girls will always be alive and loved in our hearts. Hope this helps some. Hang in there...

Dear Heather,

My goodness, how much I cried when I read your story. I too lost my 5 year old boxer to lymphoma in July. All of the symptoms that you spoke of were the same for my Harley and it really is painful to lose a part of your family in that way. I think that your feelings of "what if" would have come no matter how you would have lost Stella. In my case, as soon as I saw Harley not eating or drinking we decided to put her down. Then afterwards came all of the what ifs. What if she was just dehydrated? What if it was too early? Even I wished I could have spared her that one day of discomfort. Because our pets mean so much to us I think we want to do everything possible for them but also spare them any suffering. It's a diffiult decision ,but given the circumstances, I think you did everything in your power. Someone wrote to me once and said that pets are so forgiving, they love you unconditionally. I'm positive that Stella felt your love for her as you held her in those last moments. Hang in there. We're all doing our best.

Sincerely,

Harlequin

I lost my buddy Bowser recently and I know how difficult deciding things can be. I opted to wait (he had a mysterious condition that the vet thought might turn around), and as a resulkt he died alone at the vet rather than with me and wife there to put him out. Rationally, I still think my decision made the most sense, but I feel very bad because that's not how I wanted his life to end.

The sharp pain of his loss has lessened (it weas 2 weeks ago today) and i haven't cried for a week BUT I do find myself missing him a lot, as the permanence of his absence is really starting to sink in.

grayman

Thank you so much for all of your kind words and comfort. I know time will start to heal the pain and I know I need to focus on the good times we had and not that final day but boy is it tough. Today it is raining and I always used to hate these days because Stella would get so wet and muddy and I'd have to wipe her feet and she hated that but what I wouldn't give to have her fighting me to get those feet clean! Plus my husband left to go out of town this morning and my kids are in school so it is way too quiet for me.
Please know that my heart is with all of you also. And hopefully Stella has found your buddies to play with.
Heather

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I know how you're feeling - we all do.

I lost Lily last year, so suddenly and unexpectedly. We watched the life fade from her eyes and I still see that image in my mind. And I too, think that she must have died hating us because we couldn't save her. I've lost many pets before, but Lily was probably one of the most difficult. I will never forget that day!!! Then just days later we found out our other dog had cancer. She fought hard. We finally had her put to sleep April 4th. It was such a difficult decision. Her mind was still good, she was still eating and everything. I have wondered ever since if we did it too soon. She would have held on longer I'm sure, but I know in my heart it would have got harder for her. Hunny was a very proud dog, we didn't want her to suffer. (I've seen a dog die from cancer too, I couldn't put my precious baby through that.) I knew there was nothing more we could do for her, so I had hoped she would slip away in her sleep, but she didn't. I feel guilty for taking her life so soon, and I feel that she must hate me too. I know she's with her sister now though and that they're both healthy and happy .... I hope.

I know how deeply this all hurts. All the guilt. Only time heals this awful pain. It's been 16 months since we lost Lily and there are moments when I just cry, where that wave of emotion just comes crashing over me. All though I miss Hunny so much, it was different. I've been crying since she was diagnosed last summer because we didn't know how much time we had with her. So we made the most of what we had. When the tumour came back at Christmas, my heart broke once again. I knew this time that there was nothing more we could do for her. When we took her to another vet in March, it had spread to her lymph nodes. She was on painkillers for that last month.

I don't think it matters how we lose our loved ones. Even if they die naturally of old age, it hurts. Losing them before their time though is especially hard, I think. My angels were both eight when they left this world. I also lost a couple 8-year-old cats this year too. Seems like eight is our unlucky number!!!

This is a great website. I wish I had found it last year when I lost Lily. I found it the day we had to make the call for Hunny.

Time does heal. Just takes a while. Unfortunately, I think the guilt stays with you forever. I think you just learn to live with it and accept that you had no choice over the situation. I know in my heart that we had to let Hunny go. I didn't want to that was for sure.

I miss them both so very much. I will always love them. And I hope someday to hold them again.

I know there is nothing I can say to take away your pain or your feelings of guilt. It just takes a lot of time. But coming here just to write your feelings or to talk to your baby is very therapeutic. I do it often.

All you can do is take it one day at a time. Once again, I'm sorry for your loss. I'll be thinking of you. Hopefully, all of our precious angels have found health and happiness at the Rainbow Bridge.

Take care.

Lynette.

I cried when I read your story, I bet Stella was a wonderful & beautiful chocolate!! I had a similar ending to my Kitty 5 weeks ago today, it will be difficult for a while but everything is so raw for you right now..just take it one day at a time. I think we all no matter how ill out fury friends are carry guilt by their passing whether it was an accident, old age, euthanize or whatever the case may be and by no means am I in a position to console or offer advice because I am still grieving myself but all the stories on here touch me and sometimes I feel the need to comment. I had reluctantly finally made the appt. to put my baby to sleep and long story short, made it to the vet & on the table for her to die right there in my arms before the Vet could scramble into the room, it was horrific to say the least but by being on this forum and sharing my story and hearing about other pet lover's going through the same turmoil has helped immensely. I am not sure I will ever be guilt free but I do hope some time in the future I can love another. The "what-ifs" are torcherous and I wish I could take them away, FAR AWAY but just know that I am thinking about you & Stella today.

Heather, I'm so sorry about Stella. I've read everyone's replies to you and they have all said it so beautifully that no matter how it happens, we always go through those regrets. I hate that you're going through this. My first day at home alone was about 3 days after we had to put our cat, Frasier, to sleep. I was really scared about that day and I tried really hard to not cry. I survived it but for some reason, other "alone" days have been just as hard. It helped me alot to be on this site during that time. I hope you are getting some comfort from knowing how many people feel the same way you do.
I cried as I read your post. We have an 11-year yellow lab named Buck. He is really showing the signs of his age despite our efforts to keep him young. He has terrible hip dysplasia and the medication we give him for that has had it's effects on his kidneys. It's a necessary evil, I guess. We believe he is beginning to lose his hearing and it's so hard to watch him age. Your story really hit home for me. I felt my heart beating faster as I read it. I don't know why I'm telling you all this except maybe just to say how bad I feel for you. I know you have so much to wrestle with right now. Don't doubt yourself. You so obviously loved her beyond words. I know she knew that. I'm not sure animals see death the same way we do. I don't know if they fear it like we do. But I'm sure she was comforted having you there like that. I know it's no comfort to you but if you had put her to sleep, you would wonder if you'd done the right thing. It's just so hard.
You will begin to feel better. It comes and goes. Please keep posting. My thoughts are with you.
-Donna