I lost my boxer,Harley, on July, 4, 2009. She was my first dog ever. Words cannot express how much a part of my life she was. In June I noticed she wasn't breathing well and not keeping down her water. I took her to the vet thinking she had eaten something that was creating all this discomfort. The vet x-rayed and found a mass in her chest. After a biopsy he told me that it was mediastinal lymphoma and that she had 3 months to live. I was devastated, especially when after 6 weeks she stopped eating and drinking. For my husband and I, it was the toughest decision we had to make to put her down. I feel such a sense of loss and can't seem to find my way back to being happy again.

On top of all of this, my husband and I decided to fill the emptiness by getting two new pups. It's true that they are loving, good dogs but I just can't make a connection. I feel like I'm taking care of someone else's dogs and I wish that someone would relieve me. My husband seems to have moved on but I cry almost every day. I am so stressed out and just want to feel normal again. Is this even normal or do I just lack natural affection? I wish I could get back.

I'm sorry about Harley. I think it's probably normal to feel the way you do. I don't know how long you had Harley but a few months isn't just going to erase all that time. Everybody heals at their own speed. And the way you feel about the new pups, I wouldn't make yourself feel bad. For what it's worth, I don't think you lack natural affection because if you did, you never would've bonded with Harley. Give yourself some time. The good thing about dogs, as you know, is that they are patient with us. They're happy to be with us no matter how we feel. When our cat, Frasier, died, I found myself having the strangest detachment from his littermate, Niles. I love Niles sometimes more than air it seems, but in those first weeks I just couldn't connect. It was the strangest feeling and I felt so guilty and sorry for him. I can't really explain what I was thinking and feeling but my point is that if I felt that way about my own "baby" I have known and loved for 14 years then surely it will take you time to learn to love those that are new to you. I don't know, I hope that helps.
-Donna

I'm so sorry you lost Harley. It's not easy getting over the loss of our loved ones. Give yourself time with the new pups, and don't try to rush yourself to stop crying over your loss. I was home alone for the first time in nearly 14 years and the silence was deafening. I brought home a new dog about 10 days after I had Callie put to sleep. Half way home with Sandy I was bawling, I felt so guilty getting another dog so soon after Callie's passing. But I wasn't about to take Sandy back, I owed her a good home, AND, I had prayed that Callie would help me find a dog that really needed me. I believe she did help me find Sandy because Callie knew how badly I needed her. Sandy was slow to bond with me which kind of kept the pressure off me. Now I love her dearly and she is becoing a very good friend. Give yourself and the pups time. Allow youself to love Harley AND your new pups. It's not a betrayal to Harley, she may have helped you find those pups because she knew you would need them to get over the loss of her.

Donna,

I know everyone says it will get better but in the moment it feels like it will never end. It brings me some relief, however, that maybe my detachment feelings to these new dogs does not mean all is lost. I think I just need some understanding. I find it difficult to share this with my husband as he has already adjusted wonderfully. I feel a little resentment towards him too because he has gotten over things so quickly. I know everyone has a different way of dealing with things but it almost comes off as indifferent. Anyhow, I appreciate your words.

I am very sorry about Your loss of Harley
the first dog ever, after so many years, I know...
my boxer-girl Freya (1965-1975), Freya vom Faustschlössl
I still love her and she will be always on my mind
but, You know, maybe I express that somehow stupid,
we are so blessed that we have a lot of love
(I do love my cats Jim and Felix dearly)
maybe that is the reason to survive
Eva

You certainly do not "lack affection". I believe you are not ready to move on yet to new furbabies in your life. You have not finished grieving your dear departed Baby as of yet. You will feel normal again but please don`t rush yourself. You have been through a very traumatic experience. Pet deaths can be signifigant emotional events for some. Don`t minimize your grief and don`t let others do it! You will come to love your new puppies in good time.

I think you're right. Maybe I'm just not ready to move on yet. It's just hard because I have these two pups that require so much attention. It almost seems burdensome. So, on top of the fact that I'm feeling this great sense of loss I have to take care of them. I think that's what makes this so hard. I actually do like them a lot and would never give them up. I would feel awful if I made that commitment and then just skipped out on it for any reason.

Dear Harlequin,

I am so very sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, I think what you are feeling with the new pups is normal. Or at least, I am going through the same thing. We lost our 7 year old Doberman, Austin, on May 17th. He was totally my baby and such a sweet, sensitive dog. I know it is horrible having to watch our furbabies be sick and then having to decide to let them go. But I discovered losing your baby to a heart attack while playing ball is just as horrific. That is what happened to us and I'm not sure I will ever get over it. Even while we were grieving the loss of Austin we found ourselves missing having a doberman in the house. They are just such special dogs (to us anyway) and we felt having another would somehow ease our grief. We got a new puppy on July 2 and Maximus is a sweet, sweet boy - yet he has totally bonded with my husband and I just cannot seem to form a real connection with him yet. A friend just asked me Friday night how Max was doing and when I told him the above he said he was sure that Max could sense that I hadn't bonded with him yet because I just could not get past the fact that he is not my Austin. Austin was such an easy puppy to train - in all aspects. He rarely chewed anything that wasn't his and his sole goal in life just seemed to be to please us. Now we have Max who is a totally different personality - high-energy, stubborn, etc. - and I find myself unfairly comparing everything he does to Austin. I KNOW it's not fair and Max should be judged on his own merits and loved for them - but my heart just aches so much for my sweet boy, Austin and I would give anything for one more snuggle with him. We were on vacation last week in the Virgin Islands and I found myself in tears because rather than missing Max because we were separated I was still pining for Austin. The really odd thing is that after Austin died I started dreaming about the first dog my husband & I got together, an Irish Terrier named Stacie who was a real dollbaby. My mom said she thought Stacie was "visiting" me in my dreams to comfort me. Hopefully, if all I've been told of the Rainbow Bridge is true, then Austin is happily playing with Stacie and we will see them both again someday. But every night when I get ready to go to sleep I hope and pray that Austin will come "visit" me as I was not at home when he died and I didn't get to say goodbye. I just want to be able to tell him one more time that I love him. And I'm going to continue to try to work on my relationship with Max because he deserves to have me love him, too. Good luck with your puppies and with your grief and please write again and let us know how you are doing.

Sincerely,
Austin's Mom (Carol)

Dear Carol,

I know exactly how you feel. Somehow I think we're on the same wavelength. I try hard not to compare my new pups to Harley but it's just so difficult. How do you get better than the best? I even find myself bothered by seeing them in places that were "hers" in the house. Most times it makes me break down. But, I have found that the support and encouragement of others on this forum has really been helping. Having people to identify with and even having some that are going through some of the emotional things I , lets me know that I am not alone. I too am continuing to work on my relationship with Ruger and Dakota but I know it will probably take some time and I'm finding out that that's okay. Good luck to you too and let me know how things are going.

I had a terrible day today, thinking of Harley. I feel like have the weight of the world on me. I think my husband is beginning to hate me. He says that he hates dealing with this everyday. He yells at me when I tell him how I'm feeling about the new dogs and always assumes that I am just trying to get "rid" of them. Along with everything I feel like I have an enemy in my house. I don't know what to do, I don't act this way on purpose.

I'm so sorry you've had a bad day today. I hate to hear that about your husband. Do you keep a journal of some sort? It has helped me to write my feelings in a journal when I feel like there is no one else to talk to. That way I don't feel like I have to unload all of my feelings onto my husband for him to handle. I would think that your husband is just in a different place in the "grieving and moving along" process than you are. I'm sure he wants you to be where he is now and that is hard for both of you. You're in my thoughts during this hard time. Grief is not only hard on an individual but it's hard on couples, too. I hope tomorrow will be a better day for you.
-Donna