Hello, everyone. I discovered this site a day or so ago as I was looking over things on the internet to help me recover from the loss of my loving buddy, a Pug named Bowser. He had just turned 12--it hurts me that he only made it to the lower end of the "average" age for his breed.

Bowser was only in my life 7 of his 12 years. He was my wife and son's dog before my wife and I married, and i took to him instantly. In fact, he was instrumental in marrying my wife, in some ways. My wife and i met on an internet service, and the fact she mentioned her dog in a sweet way really touched me. My wife is a wonderful and caring person, though I do envy her now because she is taking his loss less hard than I am, though she is still definitely sad. Anyway, in addition to being just unbelievably loving and cute, Bowser's presence in my life represents many moving things. I am pretty sure we will want another dog at some point, and I know I can love another dog, BUT I also know that no dog will be as special to me as my buddy, and that really, really hurts.
He is obviously irreplaceable, so is what he represents--the dog who was there when I was married, etc. These are some other things he represents:

I had not had pets throughout my adulthood, after growing up in a cat family as a child. I only had a dog briefly (for 2 years) when I was very young, whom my family had to give away (in good health) because she was too much to handle (a Great Dane on a small property, etc.) I always consdiered myself more of a dog person, but I had cats instead. I was hurt when they'd die,. but for various reasons, it didn't hit me like this. First of all, I never had an animal die where we didn't have multiple animals, so there wasn't the compelte void there is now with this loss. When you've known animals together, it seems to me that
part of the dead animals live on in the other animals who were a happy part of their life, and it helps you cope (at least for me). But with Boweser, there is none of that. He's just gone, and that's it. Also, because I hadn't had any pets since moving out on my own as an adult (I was married at 37, so we are talking quite a few years), he was really my first adult pet, and my first long-term dog. On top of that, my wife and son had a chance to know him the full 12 years, and see his trajectory dowhill. Because he was only in my life 5-7 years, it seems like a premature death--right at the point at which I've become most attached, he is gone. So, there are many circumstances accounting for my surprisingly intense attachment.

I also grieve the way he died. Here's the gist: He was slowing way down (blind, deaf, and just slow moving, but still otherwise seemed happy and healthy).
Myu wife was concenred with some gimpiness he had in his walk, so we took him in for X-rays to look at his bones, etc. They found a splenic mass which they were prtetty sure was a main cause of his anemia, which was partly explaining his slow-movingness (slept about 90% of the time, etcc. but was still very lovoing and affectionate if you woke him up to interact, still ate normally, etc.).

Well, they did the surgery, and found that his spleen, which was quite twisted and large, had NO cancer. However, they did find where it had been leaking blood, and it was only a matter of time until it reptured if it had no been removed. Also, the bening tumor it had is akind which can turn cancerous. So, it was good to have had the surgery, EXCEPT.....two days after the news was received of "no cancer," about 1 week after the surgery, I woke up one morn ing and found him near death, seemingly out of the blue. No eating, barely could stand, very little response to me. I knew in my gut that this was probably the end, and it was painful to be on pins and needles for 3 weeks leading uip to and during the surgery, get this news of huge relief, and then have this happened. He was rushed in for emergecny care, and died 3 days later. I wrestled with whether to put him under on day 2 because he was clearly miserable, but vet advised giving it another day to await some test results. On day three, he imprved very slightlky--nibbled food a bit, amde some effort to move and stand up.
My wife had been out of town on day 1 and 2 and had not seen him, and so when she saw him on day 3 for the first time, she was very dsitraught and said we needed to put him down now, because he looked so horrible. in my heart, I felt it was the right time, because we were both there to love him, etc. BUT, my mind overruled--it was very hard to consider euthanizing a pet who was showing some improvement, no matter how slight. The vet said this was trul a "on the fence" situation--the odds were definitely against him, but she had seen dogs in his condition pull through ,and there was some slight improvement, etc. I decided to hold off and take it day by day. Then, the next morning, we got the call that he hadn't made it trhough the night. I felt awaful, becasue I had expected that call the previous 2 mornings, and now it came the morning after he was actually improving a bit. It crushes me knowing he died alone, in a strange dark place, no feeling of love. And yet, I know if I had euthanized him the previous day, I would have second gueesed myself forever about whether he may have turned around, etc. The vet reiterated after he died that the situation on day three was truly "on the fence."

The irony is, if his spleen had been cancerous, he would have lived several weeks or months longer. He likely could have lived longer than he did without the surgery, too, which makes me somehow wonder if we shoulodn't have done it. BTW, they don't know what killed him, but they suspect post-op infection or post-op blood clot, even though they admit a week later is a bit late for that sort of thing. He had extremely high white blood cell count, but little temp. I also wonder if some food i changed him over to may have caused this, but they insist almost definitely not. (MOre on that in another post perhaps)--he became extremely ill a day or so after I started giving him some canned food over his normal dry food, which he didn't eat much of, even before surgery, because he was missing some teeth, and it took him extra work to chew it, etc. (Teeth had been surgically removed in the past). They had wanted to see him regain some weight because of the anemia, and it seemed to me that his reticent eating of dry food wouldn't help with that, so I tried introducing some of the canned food into his diet, and then next thing I knew, he got sick and died. (Can was within the expiration date, etc.) I talked to three vets and they all felt it was almost definite that the food was not the thing that killed him, but the timing of it, and his odd turn for the worst after a week of seemingly positive recovery, leaves me wondering.

Well, I'm rambling, but that gives you some idea of my roller coaster concerning his death.

I will follow up later I suppose. I am hoping sharing my grief with people who understand will help me some--it is day 5, and I don't cry quite as much, etc., but I am still bothered by "what ifs," etc. At least I know that he felt as loved and happy as a dog can be up to the last three days of his life--but his loneliness during that time really haunts me.

Thanks for reading, grayman

Grayman, I'm glad you've found this site but sorry that you had to find it. My heart goes out to you as you go through this awful time. I can understand your roller coaster as my husband and I went through sort of similar situations this entire year with our cat, Frasier. Like your Bowser, in the end, I'm not 100% sure what caused us to have to put Frasier to sleep. Sometimes, I think he began to give up and developed a complication beyond repair. I don't know.
But I and almost everyone on this forum, I think, can really understand your "what ifs". We've all had them and still have them. It has been 7 weeks since Frasier died and I'll go along just feeling sad about him but functioning otherwise and then Bam!, the guilt and "what ifs" come out of nowhere. I don't understand it but I guess it is normal.
You will probably go back and forth over the medical aspects of his death a million times. I know I have. I also know that I will never know the "right" answer. And that is maddening. But, on the other hand, maybe the "right" answer as to when I should've put him to sleep, the "right" answer as to what was really wrong with him, the "right" answer as to whether he was really suffering, etc. would only torture me if I knew.
I'm so sorry Bowser passed while he wasn't with you. I know that is difficult. Even though each one of us has had different scenarios, we all have that "thing" we wrestle with. But it sounds like you had a wonderful relationship with him and I'm very sure that he knew that. I know with cats, at least, when they are on their deathbed, they will disconnect from you and everyone in the house. It's like they go into some other place in preparation for death. Maybe they don't see death the way we do, I don't know. But, maybe Bowser went to that place as well and wasn't really aware that night that you weren't physically there with him. Again, I don't know. I'm sorry. But try not to beat yourself up. You were doing everything you possibly could for his good. Take care of yourself and remember to just keep breathing. Some days are alot harder than others. Keep posting.
-Donna

Tanbuck- you are so eloquent with what you have to say...here. I wish I could have had someone around when my baby girl was dying to help reason with all the questions and terrible decisions. You are correct on the cat issue and disconnecting, I saw it happening but didn't comprehend it because my judgment was so skewed at the time.

Grayman,
I am so sorry for your loss...it is an awful feeling to have to lose your beloved Bowser. I am sorry that you were not able to be with him physically when he passed but as Tanbuck mentioned I am sure he knew you were right there! I think as for any animal lover/parent tends to think all sorts of horrors because our fury friends cannot speak so we sorta think for them and usually think the worst since they cannot tell us otherwise so we depend on our human counterparts to console the fears and the good/bad and right/wrong decisions, I was right where you were nearly 4 weeks ago, I was literally in an emotional coma and couldn't conceive why my kitty left but it has gotten a bit better each day and there will be bad days, I had a bad one today and wrote some on my post to help talk it out. Talking will do wonders and hopefully you can find comfort with your family as well.

I am very sorry for you loss. I do understand what it's like to be that close to a pet. And to know that you may get other pets in the future but to feel sure you won't have that same kind of relationship with them. It's sad. I know.

I think we all tend to second guess ourselves when we lose a loved one. It sounds like you did all the right things. You made the best decisions you could with the information you had. It is so hard to know when or if we should euthanize them. We don't want them to suffer, but we also don't want to do it too soon or if there is a chance they can get better. I'm not sure I wouldn't have made the same decision you did. I am sorry he died without you there because I know that will haunt you. Honestly, though, I doubt Bowser was lonely. Animals tend to withdraw and go off alone to die, anyway. And I am sure he knows he was loved.

Magdalene

Thanks for the kind words. I am entering into the second phase of grief, anger, and obsessing on what "mistakes" were made that led to his demise. My latest suspicion is that it might have been the antibiotic he was on after the operation--the vets considered that right away, but more or less ruled it out because the symptoms did not manifest themselves for 5 or 6 days after he started taking the antibiotic. But since then, I've read symptoms from this antibiotic sometimes don't show up for a week. If that's true, I wish they had considered that. And the morning I found him almost dead was the morning after he finished his last dose--I keep htinking, IF that's what did it, he may have survived if I had just skiped the last day or so of the medicine, etc. But the people at this clinic are known for being very competent, and they clearly treat the animals and their human companions with great tenderness, etc. so if they made a mistake, i don't want to blame them. I know they feel really badly about Bowser also--after all, if you are a surgeon, you just naturally want to see the patient make a full recovery or you feel like you failed, etc.

Last night my wife and I had dinner with some friends who lost a cat a week earlier than Bowser's death. Ironically, they brought their cat in to be looked over (died the next day) the same night I picked up Bowser from what seemed like a successful surgery. (same vet) Their cat had kidney problems from birth and it ended up getting outside one night, and wasn't found until the next morning, almost dead. . . they couldn't save her. They were pretty sad too, but not quite as much because they have a young child (though it's hard knowing he cannot understand what happened), and they just closed a deal on a home which is good news, etc. But they knew our dog and were sad with us--it did help some, and we only spent a fraction of the evening discussiing our animals. (The husband and i had a chance to talk more when we went to pick up the take-out--he's far less "talk things through" than I am, and the depth of his sadness was pretty apparent. He said he had taken a day off work to try to deal with the loss, etc.)

Anyway, thanks for the kind words. I stiull know deep down that I'll never feel the same way for another dog, and that bothers me. Maybe God will surprise me and bring a dog our way, when we are ready, toward whom i can open up my heart all the way.

Boy, this has been tough.....

Thanks for everyone's kind words, grayman

Hi Grayman, <<<hugs>>>so sorry to hear of your loss of Bowser. What an amazing dog, and what a great life he had. So sorry to hear of his illness at the end, it happens so often though to many dogs, it makes it really hard to cope when there seems to be hope of recovery and then none.

It's normal to feel all these things, guilt, anger, "what ifs", etc etc. We wouldn't be human if we didn't ask all these questions and have all these doubts. For whatever reason, our pets predecease us, and there's not much we can do about it. I like to think that we are put on this earth to be their protectors, that's why they don't live as long as we do. I also believe that their spirit lives on forever, and that they are always with us, but that's just from my recent experience losing my 17 year old westie, Frankie, and I am not a religious or spiritual person.

12 years is pretty amazing, and you are lucky to have known him for much of that time. Think about all the things you learnt about life and about yourself, while Bowser was there, all the amazing things you would have missed out on if it were not for Bowser.

That is how I came to realise there was a lot more to my relationship with Frankie than simply being a pet. He was a guide, a mentor to me in a lot of ways. He taught me stuff I needed to learn at that time of my life. I am so lucky to have known him. And even now, I know he's still looking after me, even more than before. His spirit is stronger than ever before, and guides me every day.

I have a new puppy called Hamish, same breed as Frankie, and I love him to bits. He's very different in nature to Frankie, and I still miss dear old Franks. But this is another chapter in life's big adventure and who knows what is ahead of me. Hamish will teach me even more about life.

I'll be terribly sad when Hamish goes too, but I hope that's not for a long time!!! And hopefully my life has room for many more animal companions. I plan to meet them all in heaven when I finally get there and we'll all have a great time.

All I know is that we have limitless love to give to our pets, and we are lucky to be able to care for so many animals in our lives. Loving a new pet doesn't mean I love the old one any less, in fact, I think I love him even more as I get to know my new one.

Anyway, take it slowly and be kind to yourself, it's what Bowser would have wanted. You may find Bowser has ways of thanking you for your love in the next few weeks, I certainly found that with Frankie.

cheers
deb

Thanks, these and others' words of kindness mean a lot.

My wife and I think waiting maybe a year for another dog is a good idea. I have a feeling I might feel the need sooner, though. But, it's good to have a little space, and to be frank, recoup some of the financial comittment one made to trying to help the previous animal. We travel a few times a year, so boarding becomes an issue, etc.

I feel it would be easiest to take on a dog I already know and have a fond relationship with, but I don't know anyone in that situation. One friend has a great dog, but he lives a long way away, and I don't think they would give her up, even though honestly, they are the kind of pet people where animals co-exist with them and get their basic needs met, but there isn't a lot of attachment. Another friend had a dog who was great, but he precedeased Bowser by a few months. He never would have been looking to give his dog up anyway. But at least it lets me know that I can care about other dogs. I don't doubt that--it's just that Bowser moved me in a way I never thought a dog would. Sigh.

Thanks again for the kindness, grayman

You know, we had other cats when Eileen died, and still have them. I don't have the kind of relationship with any of them that I had with Eileen. I know that will make sense to you. If I hadn't had other cats, I probably would have gotten another soon after her death, because I really like sharing my home with cats. But I really don't believe I'll ever love another cat like I loved her. Still love her, really. At first I thought that meant I'd never get another cat, that after the ones I have now are gone, that would be it for me. But now I think I will probably share my home with other cats in the future because I really do like having them around. I just know it will never, ever be like it was with her, though. And that does make me sad.

Magdalene

Grayman,

I am so sorry about the loss of your buddy Bowser. Everyone here understands how painful your loss is. Something that many others do not. It is so different for each of us and it seems different pets have a different effect when we lose them. At least it has been that way for me. Each loss has been hard but some harder than others. I've tried to figure out why. How long I had them? Circumstances of the loss itself? Connection to a particular pet? What was going on in my personal life at the time? Did I do something wrong as far as the care or safety?

Although it is such a difficult thing to do it did give me a bit of comfort when I had my beautiful Flossie put to sleep last October. I would have felt more guilt had I let her suffer. It was the absolute hardest thing I have ever done in my life (and I've had to make some life altering decisions many times)

I think you did all you could as did your vet. I understand also how you feel about leaving them alone as everytime we visited our Flossie during one of her hospital stays of several days, she was extremely upset whenever we left and would bark for hours afterward. I cried all the way home every night. She had 2 major surgeries in 6 days. I was so sure we'd lose her and she HATED the vets office. If she had not made it I also would have felt like you but she needed to be where she was as for sure there was no chance she'd live without the care she was given. Knowing Bowser was where medical attention was at hand that could save him if it was at all possible will possibly bring comfort to you one day.

I understand about the expenses being a factor in getting another right away. We called Flossie our "Million Dollar Poodle" sometimes and our daughter used to say she hoped she never had any need to go to a hospital because we had spent all our money on the dog! Major back surgery, ultrasounds, teeth pulled, a severe blood platelet episode and then kidney stones and kidney removal along with special food and medication for the stones in the other kidney for over 7 years along with the checkups to be sure her ph levels were kept in check. Needed to take out a 2nd mortgage almost!

But I can honestly say we dearly love the two pets that came into our lives very unexpectedly just 4 months before we lost her and they have made her loss somewhat easier I am certain. No they are not her.... not anything like her and I miss her every single day. But they make us laugh, occupy some of our day that would otherwise be very empty and are grateful to have a home with us. I think they know we need them as much as they need us.

Patricia on here can tell you how an unexpected pet can wrap itself around your heart even when you do not want that to happen at first. It's kinda like candid camera...... someday, when you least expect it...... SMILE! You'll have a new one come into your life. Not another Bowser as there will never be one like him but a brand new personality to be glad to have found you and you him/her. I can tell you will open your heart when the time is right. But for now just try to take care of yourselves, take the time you need to grieve, remember the good times with Bowser and know he had a very good life even though it was not as long as you would have liked it to have been. He brought joy to your lives and you to his.

I am so sorry for your loss of Bowser. The high WBC count does sound like a systemic infection picked up during surgery. Lack of a high temperature is not that unusual in systemic infections. It just all depends upon how the immune system reacts to it. Animals are having the same problem with staph infections during surgeries that humans are facing now.

Considering the possible improvement I would have held off on euthanasia just as you did, if that is any consolation. As I've written in posts to others we do the best we can to give them the best care and treatment, relying to a degree upon the knowledge of the vet. That is all we can do. I have learned not to second guess myself when doing my best to help a furkid. I think we have to be a lot like surgeons in learning from mistakes but still going ahead confidently with the best option available that has the best chance at helping our guys. I do consider euthanasia as one of those options but only if nothing can be done otherwise. Like a surgeon we can not second guess ourselves when doing our absolute best. When our heart is in the right place and our decisions are based upon love and the best knowledge we and the vet have then it can't be a bad thing.

Expressing your thoughts here helps. This is a good place with kind people who understand.
Best wishes for a speedy trip through the grief process. Take care.

Ken Albin

Yes of course no-one should ever rush in to getting a new dog, I thought I'd need a really long break in fact but it didn't turn out that way!

We recently took a one-week "pet-free" holiday to a resort which wasn't possible for the past three years, as Frankie was too frail to board. I was waiting a long time for that lovely break! And I really enjoyed it too. No horse, no cat, (no boat either but that's not a pet, that's DH's obsession!) and of course no dog. I felt totally spoilt and plan to do it whenever I can.

Whenever it feels right to get another dog, it will be right for you. It's important to give yourself time and space, grieving is really exhausting and all I seemed to do for the first 2 weeks was sleep and cry, mainly.

hugs again
deb

Dear Grayman,

Losing a special furlove in any situation is difficult to say the least. I am so sorry that you have crossed a path in your life that has forced you to have to cope with such a loss. The grief we endure after our furloves pass into the next world has got to be the most painful times of our life. Bowser was and is your special love and nothing can ever change that.

When my sweet Goliath passed away so suddenly nearly two years ago, I thought my life was over too. I didn't find LS until two months after he passed. Those two months were very dark and empty for me and quite frankly I really didn't want to go on living. Once I found LS, little by little I became able to pick up the broken pieces of my heart. After spending pretty much 24/7 here for a very long time, I came to realize that Goliath never really left me at all. His loving spirit remains within me and all around me.

Like you, I couldn't comprehend ever loving another. But then I realized that to not bring another doggylove into my heart and home also meant depriving myself of all the years of joy we could have together. Though I miss my Goliath and think of him each and every day, I also remember all the wonderful memories he and I made together. Those memories were his last gift to me to hold dearest to my heart for the rest of my life.

As reluctant as I was to let another puppy into my heart, God saw to it that one fell straight out of Heaven and into my arms. There was an article on the internet about a little chihuahua boy and his family that had been rescued from a filthy puppymill. I read the article and all day long I found myself thinking about this family that needed a loving home. Finally I just had to inquire more about this doggy family.

We adopted the only male in the bunch and named him Browser. A dear friend of mine from this forum adopted one of his sisters and named her Sasha. The mom and other female were adopted out too to loving families.

This didn't happen until about 6 months after Goliath passed away and I know in my heart that he would be so happy for me and for Browser. Goliath's life was filled with love each and every day he was here and it will also be that way for his baby brother Browser. Goliath wouldn't have it any other way because he loved me too. Browser's presence in my life does not diminish the love I have for Goliath in any way. But I love his baby brother very much. It was meant to be for me.

May you always feel the warmth of sunshine that your Bowser brought into your life. How blessed you were to have lived such a wonderful life with such a special doggylove.

Hugs of love and comfort from my heart to yours,
Beth

I am so very sorry for your loss. We all know how hard it is to deal with when you lose the one you love so much and so unconditionally.

I lost two pups in a 9 month span. Lily June 24 of last year, she was eight and she died so suddenly and unexpectedly. I've lost other pets before, but losing Lily was so completely devastating I honestly thought I would never heal. And then just a few days later, we found out Hunny, our other dog, seven years old had cancer. So, instead of having the time to grieve for Lily, we had Hunny's cancer to deal with. She had a tumour on her foot, a non-spreading tumour. We went through a two-toe amputation and then a long month of bandaging her foot at least once every day. It was very stressful for all of us, especially Hunny. But she pulled through that. And she was doing well until Christmas week, when I noticed the tumour growing again. This time though there would be nothing more we could do for her. The only option we had if it came back was a full leg amputation. She was not a candidate for that - her age, her weight and arthritis made that something we could not do. Plus I did not want to start taking more "bits and pieces" off of her. But, how could we put her to sleep when all she had was a bad foot!!!?? I have cried so, so many tears in the last year and a half. We finally let Hunny go April 4th. Putting her to sleep was definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to do. That was when I found this website. I knew in my heart that we had to let her go. By now, the cancer had spread to her lymph nodes and lumps were popping up all over. She was on painkillers for the last month. Her mind was still good - that's what made it so hard I guess. She didn't seem to be suffering, but we knew in a short time she would. Hunny had too much dignity and pride for us to be selfish and keep her as long as we could. Watching her last year with her e-collar and the bandages showed me just how much she would have hated suffering. I know she loved us all and our other pups, but I also believe that she was ready to be with her sister Lily. Knowing that they are together again brings me comfort. Both my angels were both only eight when they left this world, but at least they are together.

I know my rambling doesn't make it any easier for you, but please understand that we all feel your pain. We all understand what you're feeling.

As for getting a new pet - that's a personal decision. We got Izzy just ten days after losing Lily. I thought it would help our 13-year-old daughter with her grief if she would have another baby to love during the summer holidays. Izzy was a puppy mill rescue. She was about four. She came with many issues, she was afraid of everything and everyone. But she had the summer with my daughter and they were good for each other. And for Hunny.

Then we got Barney in November. He was a pup. Izzy and Barney are both beagles. Barney had a rough start with Hunny, but they came to love each other very much. Then just two weeks before Hunny left, we got Casey, a beagle x cavalier. She's three weeks younger than Barney. She was another unwanted pup. Hunny didn't have much time with her, but I know she loved her too. I believe that's why she never "slipped away" in her sleep, because she was hanging on for the pups.

Then just three weeks after we lost Hunny, George came into our lives. Another unwanted dog. He showed up at my work one Friday afternoon. I took him home for the weekend hoping that we would find his family. But after a month, not one person phoned for him. So, we kept him. And now we have a house full of wonderful dogs.

I know a new pet will never replace Bowser. But you will find yourself loving another just as much. Not in the same way, because they are all different. They all have such different personalities. And there are just so many precious animals out there who are so desperate for a loving family. I would adopt every unwanted pet if I could, but that's not a possibility obviously. We believe Hunny sent George to watch over the beagles. He's a border collie. There are very large guard dogs next door and the beagles need protection. I know George could never fight them off, but knowing that he's here keeps them at bay. Hunny was the protector in our family, that's why we think she sent him.

You were very lucky to have had those wonderful years with your dog. And he worshipped you too. You have a hole in your heart that you feel will never heal. You feel like a part of you died with him. And it did. But look at all the precious memories you have? Look how many people have never had the unconditional love of a pet. Those are the people I feel sorry for. I know it hurts so much to lose our babies, but I for one would not give up any second I had with any of my angels. And there are just so many dogs and cats out there who need loving homes.

It'll take time. But like they say time is a wonderful healer. There will be good days and then there'll be bad days. But you will get through this.

Once again, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'm not a religious person, but I hope to meet all my angels again some day. For now, I imagine them running around to their hearts delight. All healthy once again and happy. I know they're watching over us. I honestly believe that I've felt their presence now and then. Infact, I think Hunny was here with us up until a few months ago, because Izzy would keep looking up at the ceiling like she was looking at someone. Just for a few seconds. It was kinda weird, but comforting at the same time. I think she's been watching over her pups. I haven't noticed it lately, so hopefully she feels that all is well down here and that she can be a pup again herself up in heaven.

Sorry to ramble so much.

Please take care.

Hugs.

Lynette.

Thanks--it actually does help quite a lot hearing people say they likely would have made the same decisions, etc. I also find SLIGHT comfort in knowing that what happened may have been an unfortunate side effect of surgery that no one could control. It still stinks that it happened that way, however, as for a few days, he seemed to be doing fine, even great (for the circumstances). I am still not completely convinced that neglect on my part or the vet's was not involved, BUT I am pretty close to accepting that there is no way to know, and even if there was, it was the kind of neglect that could have been very difficult to identify (e.g. some of the less obvious side effects of antibiotics, etc.)

I am also coming slowly to grips with the facts that the old fella was slowing down, and his time for this world may have been short regardless. I could SEE him lasting maybe another year, but not much beyond that. At his age, any number of other conditions could have cropped up which could have taken him. It might be sour grapes on my part, but the fact is, this is something I would have been going through before too much longer in any sceanrio, and I don't think the extra time would have helped much (though a little, I think) in recovering.

Yesterday was the first day I haven't cried, though there is still a vague shroud of sadness over most of what I do. I have fallen way behind in some work (keeping up on the absolute essentials), but I have felt I needed to pace myself very slowly in order to regain my emotional equilibrium (or, more accurately, to BEGIN regaining it). I still am definitely adjusting to not having his care as part of my daily responsibilities--last night I had to convince myself it was okay to stop at the store on my way home from work because he wasn't at home needing to be cared for. : { In time, I may come to appreciate the "freedom," BUT I am afraid of getting too used to it, becauser I could easily reach a point of deciding against ever getting anotehr dog, and that would leave the hole a bit more unfilled.

Being here has helped a lot. It also appears there are people even more broken up over the loss of their pets than I have been for Bowser, which is a lot.
I have been surprised at how many people can relate instantly, and who really understand. I shared the news with a friend who had to put her lab out 4 years ago just before he turned 16, and I could hear the sullenness in her voice even now. I get the feeling that she doesn't think about it much anymore, BUT when she does think about it, the sadness is still pretty pronounced.

I really htink that a lot of the trauma with Bowser's loss is that all in all, he was my first dog (as I said in post 1, I had a dog for 2 years as a child, and loved, but not with this kind of intensity). As a more-or-less "first," he will always hold an irreplaceable place in my heart. That may be good--on the one hand, I won't be able to completely fill the void with another, but on hte other hand, if we do get anotehr, the eventual loss of that animal may not be quite as devastating. Or at least that's what it seems like now. : /


grayman

I'm still missing my buddy Bowser quite a lot--it's almost three weeks now. I did cry once while I was driving (on Thursday)--it just kind of hit me. Other than that, I don't cry, but the sadness is always kind of there in my mind, even htough I am back to being productive with my work, etc. But I still haven't got used to him not being there when I come home, and I still let myself wonder about how exactly he died (i.e. what killed him). That will always both me some.

I was visting someone the other night who had a very perky 11 year old dog, and that left me kind of happy. But, it also left me kind of sad because my dog wasn't like that at 11, and I suspect this dog will live much longer than 12 (or, somewhat longer).
I still find myself thinking that if Bowser hadn't died in the aftermath of surgery, he would have lived another 1-2 years. Then I tell myself it would have hurt just as much down the road as it does now--but then, maybe not, since I would have been glad for the extra time, etc.

My wife and I have started to allow ourself to discuss another dog, look at rescue dogs on the internet, etc. I know we'll warm up to the idea eventually--but I also know that it will bother me at times that the new dog isn't Bowser. This time is still a ways off, though---a few months at least.

I still love you, Bud. I'm sorry for the way things ended. Grayman

Well, today marks the first month of Bowser's death. I've been slowly doing better, BUT now that I'm not quite so busy (work was very bush the past 2 weeks), I've had to start processing the loss again. I decided to go to the vet and pay his final bill in person--I hadn't kept track of the bill very well and didn't have the emotional energy to deal with looking for it, finding the address, etc. But going to the place where he died and was last served hit me harder than I expected. On the way home, I cried the most I have since a couple of days after his death. I've cried three times now in the past week, after having a couple of weeks where I didn't cry much at all. I don't think that's bad--it's just that in confirms for me that recovery really does come in waves, and not a rsteady trajectory.

There is another pug person who lives in our development I finally ran into again. Ironically, hte last time I saw her was the last day Bowser was alive. She asked me how he was doing (she knew he'd been ill) and I told her. It helped to talk to her for quite a whil;e. She lost a pug almost excactly a year ago and said that his impending anniversary of his death chokes her up some. She got another pug a few months after the other one passed, and we discussed the ways in which that has, and hasn't, helped. Anyway, I know she cares and understands, so that heklps. But paying that final bill in person did send me for a loop, I must admit.

Anyway, just thought I'd vent, since I know folks here understand. Sorry for all of you who are dealing with the same stuff.

Peace, grayman