I will never forget the first time I laid eyes on Luther. I had been on vacation for a couple weeks, and had just returned to work in my roll as a veterinary nurse in a small animal practice. I was looking through the notes of all the new patients, whilst my collegue gave me the run down on the medication. I approached a small cat kennel and picked up the notes on the clipboard in front of it. The words read 'Stray' '8 weeks old' 'possible amputation' I peered into the kennel and two big bright yellow eyes blinked back at me. A delicate cry escaped that tiny mouth and I was smitten. I heard my collegue coo behind me; 'Oh isnt he adorable? we're all very attached to him!' A tiny black bundle of fluff, his hind leg bandaged and splinted in such a way, his whole cast looked bigger than the rest of his body. 'We think he's going to lose that leg' My friend explained. Apparently he'd been found behind a trash can in that state, and brought in and left.

He did lose his leg, a couple of weeks later. He became a favourite around the practice. We all took turns taking him home every night. My boss, the chief vet took it upon herself to call him 'Luther'. Luther had the best personality. He was a little fighter. His spirit, and adjustment after losing his leg were inspirational. I knew the first day I laid eyes on him that I wanted to take him home with me, not just for one night, but for good. At 10 weeks old I did.

When Luther was 12 months old, I went through a bad seperation. My house got sold and I had to quit my job to move back home which was over 450miles away. I went through a depression, I stopped eatting. I dropped to 45kg. I was suffering from Anorexia. Luther would curl up on my lap put his paw to my face when I was sad, purr contently, follow me around. He was there when no one else was, He cared when no one else did. I forced myself to eat, I somehow found the strength, packed up and moved back home with my beloved Luther in tow. I look back now and I can't tell you where I would have ended up without him. He was my rock.

A couple of years later I ended up moving to a different country to be with someone. I obtained a pet passport for Luther and we both jetted off together. It was a bad mistake, the relationship was abusive and violent. I often locked myself in a room, cradling Luther in my arms, wishing us both away. I was cut off from family, with no money, only my beloved cat.

This went on for roughly 10 months, then I renewed Luther's passport and got the hell out of there.

My life took a little turn upward after that, I met a wonderful man. We got married and moved to Germany together with Luther. It was hard at first, I was isolated but I had my cat. He had his cute little ways that would keep me amused for hours. If I threw a ball, he'd go fetch it and bring it back, 3 legged and all. Sometimes he'd cry outside the bathroom door when I was gone for only a few minutes. He hated being alone, like me. He loved being held like a baby, he fell asleep every night tucked into bed next to me. He didn't see himself as a kitty, he was a human like me. We adored eachother. I always told him he was my soulmate.

Last year I stood in a doctors office whilst he proceeded to tell me I was infertile. I went home, I cuddled Luther, I cried. He listened to my incoherent blubbering. Like usual.

It was May 2009 I noticed Luther becoming withdrawn, sickly. Concerned, we went to the vet who ran a battery of tests. When we were greeted back into the consultation room he told us solemnly that it wasn't good. Luthers kidney values were so far off the chart that the machine couldn't read them. 'He's a very sick boy' The vet explained; 'He will likely live for a couple of weeks more' I could not believe what the doctor was saying. I felt the warm tears dripping down my cheeks, and I shook my head in disbelief. The vet explained that the condition was very common in older cats. I immediately became angry. Luther was only 6 years old. How dare life do this to him, how dare it do this to a cat in the prime of his life! The vet mentioned euthanasia, but I angrily shook my head. I wanted to do everything in my power to bring him back to me. I knew the condition was terminal, but I was desperate to buy us more time together.

Luther spent two nights in the vets on i/v fluids. I was beside myself with grief having him without me for 2 whole nights. On the third day I arrived at the clinic and Luther's eyes lit up when he saw me, he purred desperately through the bars. I cried as I curled my fingers around the bars sinking them against his fur. 'He's surprised us, his kidney values are better today, you can take him home with a kidney diet and see how it goes' The vet explained from behind me. I was relieved.

That night I took to the internet and researched Renal Failure until my eyes were sore and blood shot. I was concerned with the lack of medication I was given to keep Luther's illness under control. Unsurprisingly a week later Luther was admitted to hospital again. I was very angry. I demanded the vet give me the tools to treat this condition properley. In which he reluctantly did.

Luthers new treatment was fluids given in injection form from home, everyday. With my training as a nurse I knew my little man was in good hands. A month after his initial diagnosis he had another blood test. The vet was in shock that his kidney values were almost in the normal range, brought down with his medication. He was obviously not out of the woods-but a condition brought under control was the most I could hope for. I hoped for a year or two with him.

Luther soon had the strength again to jump onto my lap, he'd sleep tucked beside me again. He'd go outside and chase butterflies. My heart felt like it would burst when I saw how well he was doing. He was my happy little boy again. He was my little miracle.

20th September I mentioned to my husband what we should get Luther for christmas, because afterall it was a milestone. Every month was. He was doing so well.

21st September 2009, our wedding anniversary and Luther seemed out of sorts. The next day he was wobbly on his feet, the day after he couldn't make it to the little tray, the day after that he couldn't lift his head anymore. The vet told us he was in endstage and would die in a few days, that he didn't want to give Luther anything to help him. Recommended putting him to sleep. I refused. I nursed Luther over the weekend hoping he would prove them wrong like the time before. Though everyday instead of getting stronger, he was far weaker. His kidneys no longer worked. His liver was failing. Yesterday I watched him as he cried in my lap, bringing his little paws to my face everytime he cried in discomfort. It was then I knew, he wasn't coming back this time. The most painful decision I ever made was letting him go. I've not been someone whose ever been pro-euthanasia for personal reasons. I took him to the vets for one last time, and held him and told him how honored I was to have him in my life. I told him he was a brave boy. Thanked him for saving me. Pleaded with him to find his way back to me. Kissed his tired face as he took his last breath.

This morning I feel empty. I feel hollow and alone. The most important thing in the world was stolen from me before his time. I'm angry too. Jealous when I see other cats playing in the garden. I don't know how to cope with this. I don't know how to keep going. I havent eaten in five days, I woke up this morning, still don't want to eat. How do I get through the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life without the one thing that's been there with me through everything else? He was my baby. Nothing and no one compares to him. I feel completely lost. How can something so wonderful, so rare just disappear? I loved him so. He was a part of me, a part of my coping mechanism. How do I do this without him? I'm so lost..

I'm so sorry. We all know how you're feeling. And I know nothing we can say will ease your empty heart right now. But it just takes time. You just need to take one day at a time.

I lost my two dogs, one June of last year, the other this past April. They weren't old either, both were only 8 when they died. Lily unexpectedly, Hunny from cancer.

It is terrible losing them. They mean the world to us and when they leave they take a huge chunk of our hearts and souls with them. I'm not a religious person, but I hope that I will see them again one day. I like to believe that they're watching down on me, and more importantly that they are happy and healthy once again. They feel no pain where they are. And they have so much room to run around. And so many friends to play with.

You'll get through this. I promise. I can't say how long it will take. We're all different. I'm still grieving for my little angels. I miss them so much. At first it was unbearable. I could hardly breathe, hardly eat, hardly anything. Couldn't stand going to work. I cried all the time. But I am so thankful I found this website. I wish I had found it when I lost Lily last year. I found it when I had to make the decision to put Hunny to sleep. I know it's the hardest thing to do.

You just have to take it slowly. Let the tears fall. People here understand how alone we feel when we lose them. People don't understand how hard it is to lose a pet.

For me, and my daughter, printing off photos and creating a memory book was extremely important and healing for us.

Time. That's all I can offer. If I was close by, I would give you a big hug and listen.

I'm so sorry. I'll send a hug your way anyway.

Please keep posting here. There are so many wonderful people here with such healing advice.

Take care.

Lynette.

so well said lynette. im so sorry to hear about luther. what a wonderful mom you were to him and how lucky you both were to have each other. i know what youre going thru is tremendously difficult and it may seem like youre never going to get out of it. i think of it as drowning and i couldnt even see the surface... but you will. we are here to help you get thru this. time will heal and what will be left are wonderful happy memories of your sweet luther. i wish i could tell you its fast but i cant. the process is different for everyone. in the meantime, let the tears flow, i remember screaming into my pillow. let it out and when you dont think you have any more tears left, let it out again. when you dont think the pain is ever going to go away, try and remember a happy memory. i know its easier said than done, but shut your eyes really tight and thru the tears, remember a happy moment.

keep writing. it is very healing. and know that you are not alone. let us hold your hand and help you get thru this. you will you know.
you are in my thoughts and prayers
patricia

I read your post the day you posted but I was at a loss for words for you. Your story is heartwrenching and I am so very sorry for this huge loss for you. I still don't have any words to comfort you but you are in my thoughts. I also worked for my vet for several years and although I do not still work there, I felt a responsibility to my Frasier because I thought somehow I should've known better or seen something. I have bouts of guilt because in reality, I did see things but I tried very hard to dismiss them because I am a worrier and tend to find things where there aren't things to find.
No one knows your own personal pain but you but please know that each one of us on this forum do understand this unique loss that only animal lovers can know. You're in good company as I have found over the last few weeks. I hope that your husband can be of comfort to you. Just keep trying to breathe. You don't have to be strong yet, just breathe. Give yourself some time. You need it because you've lost a part of your soul.
Again, I am so sorry. Please take care of yourself.
-Donna

Thankyou so much for your heartfelt replies.

I'm afraid, even through my grief and obvious need for support, I've found it terribly hard to log onto this forum in the last days.

Tanbuck, I do feel that because of my background in vet nursing I -should- have seen the signs coming. From as long as I can remember my little man did love his water. I -should- have seen this as the sign it was and not just thought it was some 'cute' mannerism. I can't help but wonder if I'd done things differently, he'd be with me still. It kills me. In a way I feel like I need to blame myself, it's comforting to be angry at myself in some messed up way.

I've been paying extra attention to my remaining furbabies these days but it doesn't seem to fill the hole, all it does is fill me with a deep emptiness. They never did love me like Luther did. I'm a food dispenser to my remaining pets. It's difficult to process.

I've been trying to think of fond memories of Luther these last days as catharsis but my mind goes blank? anyone else have these things happen to them? I want to remember him but my mind is putting up a big wall and I can't seem to access that part of my brain to retreive them. The only memory that seems to linger is the last moment I had with him, it's not a comforting one. When I try too hard to think of him, I get light headed and breathless, I don't know what this is about.

My husband has been very good these days. I've been in my pyjamas since Monday now and he goes to work everyday, comes home and does all the work I usually do just so I don't need to. It sound utterly bizzaire but I don't want to vacuum the floor. The dust is building up but I feel that if I vacuum I'd be losing a piece of Luther.

It feels like there's no absolution for me. I'm not spiritual or religious so I can't find comfort in anyway out of what has happened this week. I have this overwhelming sense that he 'needs' me still. I wont give his left over food away in case he still needs it. It's irrational, I can't explain properley. I'm just broken, why I can't I shake the feeling that he needs me still? I'm so heartbroken.

Oh I so understand what you are feeling. In the beginning all there was to remember, it seemed, was Frasier's death. The days leading up to it, the hours I waited for the vet to come to my home, those last awful minutes when I knew he would die soon but he didn't know. I became afraid that I wouldn't remember anything else. People kept saying to let the memories comfort me but it was the memories that were killing me! My husband and I would talk about when Frasier and Niles were younger but we couldn't remember hardly anything! We were so disappointed in ourselves. But now that a little time has passed, memories are coming back. They aren't really comforting yet but sometimes they bring a little smile, I guess.
I also understand about it feeling oddly better to blame yourself. I guess as humans we just need someone or something to blame. We're already feeling so bad so why not just pile on some guilt too? I don't know why but it just seems to be the way it is. One day I can understand the logic in the whole chain of events and then the next day it's all my fault for not taking him to the vet sooner. I just don't know.
I completely understand about him still needing you. I just kept repeating that I wasn't done taking care of Frasier. I wasn't through being his mommy.
I know about not finding a connection with your other babies too. Even though I love Frasier with every fiber of my being, I have to admit that Niles is my soulmate kitty. But even still, in those first couple of weeks after Frasier died, I wanted nothing to do with Niles. I just kept walking away from him as he would talk to me. I felt cruel and numb at the same time. But it did fade and now I'm bonded to him again.
And lastly, boy do I ever know about the vacuuming thing and the food thing! Frasier had sort of taken up residence in our guest bedroom in his last days and I put a litterbox in there for him. It was much smaller than the one he was used to so he accidently scooped litter on the floor when he first used it. It's been 5 1/2 weeks and I still have not vacuumed that room. I have company this weekend and I realized this week that while I thought I would be ready to clean the room by now, I'm not. So my company is sleeping on the floor in my living room! It took me 2 weeks to vacuum the rest of the house and I wailed as I did it. I sobbed and curled up in a ball as I cleaned the tub where he used to like to drink. I just didn't want to clean him away, you know? Like his fur or his "mess" was undesirable. Like I was removing him. I scooped up a little of his fur and put it in a box. I emailed the humane society about donating his food and they immediately replied they wanted it. It's been 4 weeks and I haven't replied back. I thought I was ready, but I'm not.
I've rambled, I'm sorry.
I just want you to know that it takes time. Just keep enduring and let the time pass. You know how in those first hours/days when you weep and no sound even comes out? And you really aren't breathing and you can't imagine ever feeling anything but that way again? It really does pass. Even when you kind of don't want it to. Sometimes, I wanted to stay in that place and not move forward in my grief because it kept him somehow closer to me. Like if I began to move then the last time he was alive and with me was getting further away. I wanted nothing to change in the house because I didn't want there to be anything that he didn't know. It's all so weird. Sorry I've written so much, I guess I just needed to talk. I miss my Frasier today. (As if that's different from any other day)

Tanbuck, write as much as you like. Frasier sounds like a wonderful kitty and deserves all the written admiration you grace on these pages.

I could have written what you wrote about the vacuuming myself. All of last week Luther was in the spare bedroom. He was wobbly in his last days so spilt litter on the floor. It's that room especially I don't want to touch. Because we don't ever use the room, it just smells like him. There are balls of soft fur on the floor where I was brushing him last. It kills me, I can't bring myself to clean the room. I don't want to lose him all over again, I don't want it to be so clinical, like I'm cleaning up his 'mess'.

I've decided to clean the rest of the house today but that room is not to be touched, not yet.

I don't know what to do with his food and medication, it's just sat their looking at me every day. There's a part of me that can't let him go, thinks he will need it still.

Luther was as close to a child I will ever have. I was blessed to have him in my life, but I feel utterly robbed of so many years he should have still been with me..

I remember not vacuuming my room for about 3 weeks after Max died - I could still see his paw prints on the floor. It was like erasing him if I vacuumed.
I found other evidences of his presence, though, that could not be erased so after awhile I could vacuum.

Maxie was diabetic and I am on a diabetic pet list so I gave his supplies away to people on the list who needed them. The vet took back all the unopened insulin and some of his medications as well. Why don't you ask your vet if you can give them the meds - sometimes they can give them to people who can't afford them. It helped me to think Maxie and I were helping some other sick dogs.

I understand your pain - it is so very hard to lose them. I still cry a little almost every day. Just hold on.

Cheryl and Angel Maxie

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can understand how important Luther was to you. My cat Eileen was my best friend. I have major depression and post-traumatic stress disorder, and she was there for me through some very, very dark times in my life. I think there were literally times she saved my life. Times I would have died if it had not been for her.

I really don't know how you get over a loss like that. It's been three years, and it hurts less now then it did when she first died, but it still hurts and I still miss her terribly and I'm crying now. I remember how much she loved me even when I felt no one else did, and that memory helps when things get hard. But it hurts, too.

Magdalene

Ah, I also wanted to say that it took a LONG time before I could focus on the good memories of Eileen. I mean, like, probably a year. Everyone kept telling me to think of the good things, but all I could think of is finding her dead beside the road. It was a horrible image to have in my head. And I know everyone is different, but I'll say that the good memories will come, but maybe it will take time. My sister made me a scrapbook with pictures of Eileen, and that helps a lot.

I also worried A LOT about Eileen after she died. Was she lonely, was she scared? She was always scared of people she didn't know, but she loved me and my partner so much, loved to snuggle and stuff. So if she's in Heaven, and she doesn't know anyone there, she must be scared and lonely, right? I know that's not very rational, but there you have it.

Magdalene

I miss you Luther very much, it's still very very hard. It still hurts to think about you. I feel like the feel of you is ebbing away from me, I don't ever want to forget your face..

Thankyou for your replies everyone. It's taken a long time to come back here, but it's a step. I never know whether confronting grief in a place like this is a good or bad thing, bringing things to the surface, reliving all that pain, it's still so raw. I still havent vacuumed the spare room. It feels like there's a giant gaping hole in my life, even on my good days.

I still can't except it, still very numb, still want him here like a burning ache in my chest. I don't want his memories, I want him. Only him

I know just how you feel. I still haven't vacuumed the spare room and it's been 10 weeks. In my post to Frasier yesterday I told him that I just want us back. Memories are good but still so painful because they just remind me of what I don't have. I just feel so sorry for Frasier that he doesn't get to be here with us. He just wanted to be in the middle of everything and now he's the only one that is gone. It's so painful for me. And I also feel very much like he is further away now. I don't feel him near me at all. It makes me think that those feelings I had in the beginning that he was visiting me was all just my mind thinking that he should still be here. Just what my brain was used to.
I'm sorry you're still hurting so bad. I wish we could get some relief.
-Donna

I am so sorry to read about Luther, such a sad & moving story about your baby! I feel for you.

It's hard to move forward sometimes...well impossible in the beginning! Everyone has different ways and times to cope with the loss, what to clean and what not to clean. I actually left the food and water bowl on my kitty's place mat for close to three weeks, don't know why, as I knew she wouldn't be back but in my mind it felt better left alone and when the time came & I could clean it up I did. The one thing that helped me (after 5 days of not moving from couch/crying) was to start writing..I have 24+ pages of our life together. It was a long one as we just about made it to 19 yrs. so I had a lot of stories and experiences we shared over the decades, but it did help to put it on paper...my feeling that is and to come here and say whatever you need to say. I come once a week on her anniversary to write a little something and sometimes in between to post and read other stories. Mostly I am doing a bit better but still have moments of tearful outbursts, in fact I had one last night when I went to bed and was missing her dearly.

You will never forget what Luther looked like, smelled like or anything about him. I have a blanket and fur from Nutmeg's brush neatly packed away in a zip-lock bag so every once in a while I can open it and smell her scent. Keeping pictures around was good for me as well.

Chin up and let yourself grieve as much as you need to.
Take care,
Nutmeg's Mama

Hi...
My name is Rita and I read your post about Luther.
I have to say I read about myself and my dog Ceaser..
Like Luther my Dog was also a three-legged dog and I found him while I was studying t become a Vet tech.
I worked for this Pet Er that years later I had no idea at the time that that would be the place Ceaser would die.
Anyways...like in your experience...Ceaser was there for me during a very depressing and stressful event in my life...during a bad divorce and moving etc....
The only thing that kept me going was my dog Ceaser who was there for me and like Luther would wait outside of the bathroom and even come in while I was taking a shower becasue he hated being alone...he was everything and I was his everything. Long story short in which I would love to chat with you sometime....Ceaser died back in May this year...he ate left over Chinese Food which I regret everyday that I gave him. He had an acute case of perontitis and I was also in denial of his condition and tried to save him, I rescued him and treated him for heartworm six years prior which proved to everybody that Ceaser was a survivor, I rescued him from a big fall of a steep cliff...I also treated and nursed him when he twisted and broke his third healthy leg which made him stomp with only two legs.
Since Ceaser was a survivor and we always won against all odds...I thought he would make it this tie but the Vet kept on telling me to put him down...I demanded more pain meds but they did not want to give him any...I didn't want to believe it was happening...Ceser's condition turned from normal to fatal within 24 hours and I didn't have time to research the condition or to make any rational decision...all I wanted was for them to treat him so I could bring him back home. He cried out of pain and waited for me to return to the vet....he waited and shortly after I arrived and he heard my voice he lifted his very very weak head and started to go into cardiac arrest...he died in front of me. He waited for me before he went...even the Vet saw that and made it a note to tell me....something in my heart died that day. I was angry at myself and at the Vet even...I felt like I didn't do enough. It will never be the same...I have a son and a very sweet St Benard who came in later in our lives and also did have the honor to be with Ceaser the last few years...but I miss Ceaser very very much. Everybody keeps telling me "oh but he was old"...He wasn't THAT old...he was only ten...for a Beagle that is still young!!
It is VERY HARD it does not get better....of course there will be days when you feel better but the pain is there and mine come and go. I had a very rough day yesterday and remember everything that happened that last 20 minutes of his life and all the facial expressions and emotions that was flowing that day...his cry...everything and it hurts...so I do know how you feel and please contact me since your story hit home to me the most out of all of them. Hang in there.....

Rita