Does anyone here have any hints on how to channel grief?

I'm finding it quite overwhelming, I'm a homemaker and I attend art classes 2 days a week. When I'm at home I tend to mope around crying, thinking about my dog and how much I miss him. On the days I go out to classes, I usually end up doing something else as well and before I know it, I'm exhausted.

I spent two days at home on the weekend and I probably should have gone out but I was busy with domestic chores.

It seems I'm not keeping much of a balance. Perhaps one excursion per day, and then a rest? I don't know. I just need some practical tips on getting through each day, without moping, and without getting overtired. I still wake up early thinking about Frankie. Maybe I should see a counsellor or something, has anyone else done this and was it helpful?

I'd love to hear how others cope with the details of everyday life, keeping busy but not too busy.

TIA
Deb

I am sorry you are having so much trouble with your grief about Franky.

I am having a similar time with losing my Maxie. But, having been down this road way too many times I know that I just have to ride this rollercoaster for awhile. I have cried every day for a month. Not all the time, but mornings, feeding times, etc.

I went to a grief counselor years ago when I lost my Dad. It was my first big loss and I wanted to feel better. The counselor said
"Why do you want to rush it. Wasn't he worth it?". That made me realize that grief is just a process that you have to go through, painful as it is. For me it takes about a month of real, present pain and then it starts to get a little better - still have times when it gets overwhelming again but the spaces between that get longer and longer and after about 18 months it becomes manageable. That is just me. Everyone is different.

But don't rush it and let it out. And breathe. I think it is good to try and keep busy to the extent you can without losing it. I am starting to do a little work now, but I could not have done that 2 weeks ago.

Unless you are incapacitated I would just ride it out and do what you can. How long has it been?

Cheryl and Angel Maxie

Hey Deb,

I know that in particular two things have helped me through these last eight weeks. Perhaps they could work for you.

First, each MOnday we do this candle ceremony. It's a worldwide thing and it helps to know their are others out there who are feeling the same pain we do. Directions can be found here http://www.mondaycandleceremony.com/

Secondly, journal writing has helped as well. I already write so this isn't a stretch for me. The directions are here http://www.petloss.com/writing.htm

I know that my life is insanely busy at most times and I wish I could just stop and take a breather.

Take care
Peace & Love
Ben

Hi Deb. I share your feelings of gloom and tiredness. It has been 2 1/2 weeks since Frasier died and while I have to go to work and I have to function outside my home, I still get this feeling when I'm out like it's time to go home. Most days when I get home from work I will cry a little. My husband says it's because I have to be "on" at work all day and bottle up my true feelings. Then when I get home they just have to come out. I had to go to a party this weekend and about half way through I was just tired and wanted to come home. When I got home, I went straight to bed even though it took me awhile to fall asleep.
I wish I had an answer for you so I could answer for myself as well. I think like we both know already, only time will help this. I know you miss Frankie so very much. I am so sorry you're having to feel this way. I miss my baby too. The cloud just follows me around and is present whether I'm laughing or crying.
-Donna

Hi Deb, I am going through the same thing right now, I have a chronic illness so I am unable to work or attend school and sitting at home without Taffy is the worst feeling in the world. One thing that seemed to help me was a book called Rainbows and Bridges, it comes with a celebration of life journal where you can write down your favorite memories of Frankie and all of the special things that you remember about him. The book is a nice read as well and very comforting. I hope that helps you.

Thanks so much Cheryl and Maxie,

I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts. It's only five weeks since he died. Your counsellor's advice is spot on. "Isn't he worth it?" Precisely.

I've never had a loss like this before so I'm reassured by your experience, that it's a rollercoaster. At first, twilight was difficult, now all the beautiful memories are coming back, it hits me in waves when I least expect.

I was holding my cat yesterday, and stroking his paw pads which is something he doesn't often let me do. All of a sudden I started crying as I remembered holding dear Frankie's paws as he got very elderly, and massaging them, and gently trimming his claws and the matted hair, I even used to rub cream into his paws because they were so dry and cracked! LOL He loved it and used to sigh with pleasure with his little pedicures. (He couldn't walk much, so his claws were long). This is from a dog who in his younger days, would rather be wrestling and rolling in mud rather than have anyone pamper him.

Thanks so much, I will simply trust in the process ride the rollercoaster. I'm adding to the family with a new puppy so he will keep me busy too but I know I'll still grieve for Frankie. We were almost co-dependents, so very close.

Only one thing in my life was worse than this, when I had a nervous breakdown and clinical depression, in 1995. Frankie helped me through all that too. The grieving is very different, it's not like clinical depression at all. My husband was worried how I'm coping, and I am able to reassure him that the grief is not pleasant but I've been through worse in terms of personal distress.

Thanks so much.
Deb and angel Frankie

Hey Ben,

Thanks so much again for your insight. I remember you telling me that one week, you hadn't had time for writing so you weren't feeling too great.

So, this morning I was in the cafe and I started writing about Frankie, about how close I felt to him. He was everything to me, I to him, over the last few years. I think I did everything that the vets and the psycho&%^ysts would advise against! Instead of being politically incorrect I am psychologically incorrect LOL.

So I've realised this is the biggest loss of my life so far. And it may or may not be the biggest loss I ever have. There is no-one, absolutely no-one, to whom I can give the level of care I gave to Frankie - 24/7 nursing, gentleness, compassion, understanding, sheer love. No wonder I'm feeling terrible since he's gone! It's hardly surprising to an outsider.

If I was caring for an elderly, frail human, I certainly wouldn't be doing it 24/7, there would be nurses to give me a break at least for a few hours. But with animals, there's no such thing.

The candle ceremony sounds beautiful. I will check it out.

I am also exploring my spiritual beliefs, I'm convinced there are different ways of making sense of this world other than the Western Judeo-Christian philosophy so I'm doing some reading in that area.

You take care, peace and love to you too,
Deb and angel Frankie

Oh Donna you can read my mind :-)

It hits me in waves when I least expect. I didn't think I'd still be crying so much, but honestly I'll probably be crying till the day I die. Hopefully not as much as I do now though.

What Cheryl wrote was interesting - a refreshing approach - "wasn't he worth it?" and when I think about my level of utter devotion to Frankie, heavens, it's going to be centuries before I stop crying LOL I cry in honour of him and the things he taught me. He taught me everything I know about love, for example.

Don't worry we'll get through this together. I'm always here!
Thinking of you and blessings to you in your loss
- Deb and angel Frankie
xoxox

Hi Taffyssister,

You are a sweetheart, thank you so much. I will have a look for that book, that's a great idea. I need some structured way of expressing myself. I've started a journal too as Ben suggested.

I really feel for you, in your loss of Taffy. I am lucky I can simply jump in the car and go out whenever I like. I do hope you can find ways of coping and caring for yourself in your illness as well. I kind of got into a bad habit with Frankie, he was so very frail and slept all the time, it was like looking after a newborn baby, so I did get stuck inside the house. Don't get me wrong I loved caring for him but I stayed home too much. I can be a recluse at the best of times.

Thanks again, I really appreciate your help and support.

Hugs to you and angel Taffy

Deb

Hi Deb,

Though I don't come to LS much anymore, occasionally I drop in to read some posts. I see you are looking for ways to cope. It's a rough road, that's for sure. Trying to get rid of that feeling of emptiness and dread is no small feat. Unfortunately there is no way to get around it................we can only go thru it. It's all a necessary part of coming to terms with learning how to live in a different way than which we have become accustomed to.

It's been nearly two years since my sweet Goliath passed away so suddenly and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him many many times. He changed my life so much while he was here and it was like learning to walk all over again once he left this world for another. The good news though is that when I think of him now, I remember all the joy and fulfillment he brought into my life. I was honored in being chosen to live his life with him and I will always remember him for the gift of love he gave me to carry in my heart for the rest of my life.

You asked how do you cope. I can tell you what helped me the very most. Besides coming to LS and spending lots of time here sharing with others, I searched out books that fed me spiritually. One of the best books I read was "ANGEL DOGS" by Allen & Linda Anderson. The book was truly a Godsend for me and definately worthwhile reading. The Andersons have many books that are equally enlightening that somehow brought peace to my heart. I know my Goliath is very much alive and well and still walks with me each and everyday. Much about my life changed after Goliath passed away that was very good that would never have happened otherwise. The price we pay for receiving the love relationship we have with our loved furries is the pain we feel when they leave.

Frankie left you with the greatest gift of all..........a treasure chest full of beautiful memories and oh what a blessing that truly is. Open your treasure chest and see the sunshine of his love pour out all around you and within you. Frankie's loving spirit will walk with you always as you share that special love of yours with the whole world in whatever you do and wherever you go. Those of us who have been blessed in knowing the love of an animal know it is a kind of love that never dies. That special connection keeps us close to them even between worlds.........temporarily separted. Life is short while eternity is not.

May you be blessed with comfort as you walk this journey that is so full of ups and downs. We all walk together picking up the pieces of our broken hearts and never have to be alone.

Hugs of comfort from my heart to yours,
Beth

I have chronic illness too and have not worked in 5 years. You are with them all day and night. Breakfast time , special food for his irritable bowel syndrome, cookie, walk, together all day, supper, for 10 years same thing. Its finally sinking in ....9 days ago....I'm married with no kids and love my wife, but he was my life.....Always things around house.. still have his expensive food he never finished, his big cookies for the big snow bear, HAIR! Oh the white hair, we could of made 100 jackets with his hair in a month...having a ahard time keeping my composure...

I'm sorry for your loss.. hell everyones.....and sorry to highjack the thread..

Deb,

I know what you mean about the 24/7 care and now the great void. My Maxie was diabetic and had many other health problems. He needed medication 5 times a day plus his twice daily insulin shots. It took up alot of my time and I could never leave him for someone else to take care of because he wouldn't eat if I didn't feed him. And diabetics have to eat or they can't get their insulin and then they die. I did that for 21 months, every day, day in and day out, never one break.

But it was an honor to care for my little old man. I kept him alive alot longer than he would have been if anyone else had taken care of him. I always told him I loved him. I hugged him when he would let me. When he started pacing around at night and getting scared I would take him into bed and just hold him until he fell asleep.

I know he lived a long and good life. He traveled with us and loved us and loved his home. I just wish he hadn't been taken in that awful way and that I will never really know what happened.

I miss him so much. Thanks for listening.

Cheryl and Angel Maxie

Hey, Holmeed, you're not hijacking anything! We are all going through/been through/about to go through, the same stuff.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss, and I know exactly what you mean when you talk about the level of care you gave your darling.

Don't keep your composure, just take it easy on yourself.

I bought one of the Anderson's books, one of the few I could find here in Australia, and in it, there was a lovely guided meditation type thing, in which you focus on your lost pet, and ask them what they would want you to do.

Now I'm not particularly spiritual or anything, but I knew instantly what Frankie was saying to me. He said that I should be looking after myself, taking care of myself in the same way that he would take care of me. And in the same way that I used to take care of him, the dear thing.

So, what does that mean - getting enough sleep, eating properly, resting when I need to, crying when I need to. In the past week I have become absolutely convinced that Frankie's spirit is alive and well and stronger than ever before, and is with me, near me, even in my heart, constantly caring for me in the way that I did for him. Sorry if this sounds weird, but I'm pretty amazed too. I never expected this.

Frankie had to be taken outside sometimes 3 or 4 times a night, always once a night (at 3 am when I still wake up as I did it for a couple of years! LOL) He also had special food due to delicate (ageing!) digestion, blindness, deafness, lameness (he couldn't walk at all in his last week, not even a couple of steps).

Bless you Holmeed, you did the right thing. I was privileged to care for Frankie. Take care and keep in touch especially at the moment.

I have to go out now, I'll be back later to read the rest of the thread. It means everything to me and thank for all the replies, I will reply to everyone ASAP.

love
DEb

Well, Beth, your hugs of comfort worked wonders. Your words have touched my heart and soul. Thank you so much. I am sorry for your loss of Goliath, however I am glad to hear he is still with you in spirit and in so many ways. And he is sending me strength too, as I think about all this.

I've done lots of thinking and finding things a bit more, um, peaceful (? For want of a better word). I managed to find one of the books by the Andersons and it is really relevant and helpful. In fact, I haven't worked through all of it yet but already it has brought me great understnading and insight.

He is giving me so much, in the tiniest, sweetest ways, he makes my life joyful each day now, as if he's thanking me for my kindness and patience with him. He doesn't need to do anything, of course, but he keeps sending me little messages and gifts and is opening up a whole new part of my life.

I talked to my daughter today and we agreed that for both of us, losing Frankie is the worst loss of a loved one that either of us has ever experienced. My husband agrees it's the same for him. My mum said, when her dog died, it was more traumatic than when her own mother, brother and sister died, and that's with no disrespect to any of them.

Because I've never lost anyone so close to me, I haven't really thought about the afterlife seriously until now. Now I'm convinced about eternity and spirituality, and I know Frankie's always near me, with me, even in me, in my heart. Frankie will be walking with me just as Goliath walks with you.
He keeps giving me advice. He told me to take care of myself the way that he would take care of me. I loved that and I thank him for it. He even made me laugh the other day.

Another thing that happened, was that a 16 year old girl died instantly here recently (hit a tree while skiing), she was a friend of a friend of my daughter's. With my new-found perspective, this is more evidence of eternal life, otherwise her death doesn't make any sense at all (not that it does, really, but to lose such a young person, to me, must be evidence of eternal life).

Thanks Beth, do keep in touch please, Frankie's passing has opened a new world for me and I'm only beginning to explore it.

love
deb

oh, poor Maxie, but wasn't he lucky to have you looking after him.

Frankie was the same, would fret if I wasn't there, so we either took him everywhere with us, or else I would stay home and the others would go. My DH and DD went interstate and I stayed home. I never minded at all, in fact, it was a privilege to be with him, he was always great company.

He didn't have diabetes, but he did go through arthritis etc., and I gave him several courses of cartrophen injections, the vet showed me how to inject at home to save the trauma of visiting the vet, as he would get upset. I also groomed him to within an inch of his life - cut his nails, cleaned his eyes, ears, rear end, paws, etc, etc. You know it all! I brought him his food and drink because he was too old to walk to it. I couldn't have loved him any more. There was nothing I didn't do for him.

And now he's looking after me. He really is. I never would have believed it, I'm not a spiritual person, so I wasn't expecting it. Frankie keeps sending me little messages and gifts, I know he's saying thank you for all the kindnesses.



You can read my mind, Cheryl. Bless you, Maxie is blessing you now, I'm sure of that too.

love
deb

An interesting question that many here, including myself, have wrestled with. You cry, you suck it up emotionally, you cry again. Your good days get slowly better as you learn to cope with the loss, possibly with help from others. You have relapses from time to time until it dawns on you that it is not 'all about you' but all about your beloved furkid. The good memories stay clear and thankfully the pain recedes. There will always be a hole in your heart from the loss but scar tissue finally covers it and it is bearable.

Some thoughts of ways to channel your grief:
1) Give any remaining furkids a lot of love.
2) Volunteer at a no-kill shelter or group.
3) Adopt a new furkid and give a good life to a deserving one.
4) Donate to a no-kill shelter.
5) Make a scrapbook of memories of your departed furkid.
6) Whatever you do, get out of the house more and throw yourself into activities you enjoy.

I hope your grief lessens. It is not pleasant but as others have said it is really a reflection of your love for them.
Take care,
Ken Albin

Good morning Deb,

When I first brought Goliath home back in 1997, I thought I was just bringing in a companion. Little did I know at that time, he would also become my greatest teacher in life. Such a huge impact that little compact canine made on me with his wonderful little self. He taught me so much about love, giving, being myself, and enjoying life as each day began anew.

When Goliath passed away so suddenly, my life took on a whole different dimension.................sending me to many avenues I had yet to explore. His death put me in quite a tailspin and it took a long time for me to ground myself again. As a result of his unexpected death, I discovered many doors that had not been opened. It was like my eyes had been opened fully for the very first time. EVERYTHING had more meaning and substance. My perspective on life and living changed tremendously. So, even thru his death he still teaches me well. Today I know what really matters in life and thank God for sending me such a wonderful and loving teacher.

Those messages Frankie sends you are so very special. They are his way of sayig "hello" and letting you know he hasn't really left you at all. What a blessing Frankie truly is to have provided you with a way to open up to a whole new part of your life. For me, I know that events in my life all have purpose. Today, I have a choice to either look for the best or to look for the worst. Sometimes life is a real challenge to say the least. But, there is something to learn from each and everything that happens to us whether it be big or small. We can choose to look at the beauty in the world or focus on the evil in the world. Allowing myself to see the beauty in nature and people leaves me a far more tranquil human being looking for ways that I can make a positive difference in this world. Though I will always cherish the past and dream of tomorrow.........it is today that I really live for.

How blessed were you and I to have ever had the privilege of sharing our lives with such great teachers? So many humans will never know such a gift. This kind of gift is everlasting because only Frankie and Goliath's shells perished when they left, not their loving carefree spirits.

May you always carry Frankie's undying love with you Deb. He gave it to you to share with the world now and forever. Trust that God has a unique plan for each and every one of us, including our furry kids.

Hugs of love and comfort,
Beth