You would think the guilt would go away after three years, wouldn't you? But it hasn't, not really. Sometimes it's much stronger than others, though.

Here's what happened. The morning Eileen died, I was up early. We were having a yard sale at my partner's parents' house, and had to get over there to get set up. Eileen wanted to go outside so we let her out. Then we were ready to leave. She didn't want to come back in yet. I didn't want to leave her outside all day. I know we wouldn't be home until late, and though she loved to go outside, she didn't like to stay out for that long. But she didn't want to go back in and I was in a hurry. So I just left her out. If I had only taken a couple of minutes to get her back in the house.

We left the house around 7:00 in the morning. The neighbor found her dead in the road about 9:00. She had been hit by a car. We don't know who did it. We live on a little dead end street with about 7 houses on it. Not much traffic at all. It must have been one of our neighbors. We asked them all, later that night. They all denied knowing anything about it. Except for the neighbor who found her in the road. He moved her out of the middle of the road, so no one else would run over her, and so we would not come home and find her like that. I will forever be grateful to him for that.

Who knows what the neighbor thinks of me? We didn't get home until 7:00 or so that night. After the yard sale, we went out to dinner. I hate that, knowing now that we were out having a nice time, while Eileen was at home dead. I wonder how she could have been dead all day, and I didn't know. Shouldn't I have felt it somehow?

We got home and expected her to be waiting by the door, meowing at us to hurry up and let her in. But she wasn't there. We went in, then went back outside and started to look for her. I walked behind the house, calling for her. The neighbor came outside and my partner asked him if he had seen our cat. He asked, "The black one?" I said yes. He said, "I'm sorry, I've got some bad news for you." I started to shake. I knew then. He said, "Come on" and started walking across the road. I followed him. I felt like I couldn't breathe. He took me across the road and there was Eileen, lying in the tall weeds. Dead.

I started screaming. I was yelling "Oh no, oh no, oh no!" I fell down. I picked her up. Some other neighbors came outside but I wasn't paying any attention to them. My partner helped me up and we went into the house. I kept screaming. Our other cats were terrified. I felt bad for them later. Who knows what all the neighbors though?

The thing is, she should never have been outside that morning. I should have put her back in the house before we left. I thought she was safe outside before we have so little traffic on our road. And people don't usually drive very fast. There are lots of children and pets around. You have to be careful. I thought she should be safe. But...I also knew she wouldn't like being outside all day. So I should have taken the time to put her back in the house. And she would still be here.

Magdalene

Magdalene,

You know we just go about our lives and sometimes things happen. You didn't mean to put her in harm's way, it just happened.

I am two weeks out of finding my beloved Maxie in the pool. I put him out on the pool deck twice a day for almost 15 years - he liked to go out on the deck to do his thing and it is all windows so I can see him. Well that day, I put him out, he trotted away from the pool. I went into the kitchen to clean up his food, like I always did and came back to sit by the door to wait for him to come back. I didn't see him so I stood up and there he was floating under the lip of the pool. He could only have been in there about 60 seconds, but he was already gone. We gave him CPR but his heart had already stopped. He was doing just fine a minute before. There was no water in his lungs so he didn't drown. But why didn't I see him go in? What happened to him?

I have decided to put down the guilt for a week. It will still be there if I want to embrace it again after that time. I think you should do that, too. We loved our babies, would never do anything to hurt them. I am sure Eileen does not blame you. You didn't throw her into the street. Just like I didn't throw Max into the pool. Something happened and we will never know for sure what it was.

Be kind to yourself. I know how difficult this is. I am having a hell of a time - the worst I can remember ever.

Cheryl and Angel Maxie

You have to let go of the guilt. No matter how it happened or why it happened or any of the should of's could of's would of's you can think of, you have to let it go. We don't know why things like this happen. A month or so ago a friend of mine was cleaning up around his property. His 18 y/o dog had been following him faithfully all day, like she always did. He got in the truck to park it where he always parks it, and checked to see where his dog was. She was by the shed so he proceeded to move the truck. He heard a little yelp, that was it. When he got out of the truck, she was dead. He had run her over. He's beat himself up about that, as any of us would. But the thing is, after all those years, why would she get in the way of the truck? Why would Maxie fall dead in the few minutes your back was turned? Why didn't Eileen want in? Quit asking yourselves what could you have done different, because even if you could go back, without hindsight you would most likely do things exactly the way you did them the first time.

Maybe, just maybe there is a reason they left the way they did. Maxie may not have wanted you to see him die. It's not unusual for animals to go off alone to die. Eileen wouldn't want you to feel guilty. She was a CAT and cats are experts at training people. You did exactly what she wanted you to do, just as she expected you to, just as she had trained you to do. She didn't know you'd be gone long, she only knew she wanted to stay out, and you let her - you let her do what she wanted to do. And my friend, he'll never know what caused his dog to fall under the truck at just the wrong moment. I think the answer is that we really aren't in control of anything and that sometimes things happen for reasons we'll never know. We shouldn't feel guilty for things we have no control over.

Yes....I totally know your feelings....I also feel very guilty about the whole thing and I wish I could go back and re-do the day...
The pain is still there and I think for people like us...it is different because we feel that we could have prevented this somehow....we are also feeling guilty whic makes it harder....Ceaser's death was an unexpected death which I know I could have prevented and I think that is why it is harder, if he was suffering from a long term disease or was growing very old and died peacefully then one thing...it will still hurt but I think we would have a better closure...but for us, you and I , we feel guilty and we relive the day they died over and over again. "If I only did this and that"....that is why it is so painful and hard I think...
I will be thinking of you and hang in there...write anytime!

magdalene, I know it's hard, but please try not to be so hard on yourself.

the nature of us human beings is that we tend to be control freaks, we even imagine we're in control of the wild creatures in our lives i.e. our pets. We hold ourselves responsible for everything - their comfort, food, shelter, affection, everything. So when something changes - for whatever reason, even when it's beyond our control - we beat ourselves up.

Now I'll tell you a ridiculous story as an example, concerning my dog Frankie who died four weeks ago. I left him on my bed, surrounded by cushions. I got my daughter ready for school, and drove her to the station. I came back, heard a little bark, and thought, darn, I'd better feed that poor dog, he's been waiting for me. I brought him upstairs and spooned out his food. I turned to make myself a cup of coffee and flick through the paper. I heard him happily chewing away and thought nothing of it. A normal morning.

Then I turned and his head was on its side. I looked and his legs were on their side too, he never lay like that. I picked him up and he was limp and light as a feather. He'd gone. In an instant. Silently. Painlessly. I was distraught. WHY hadn't I been watching him? WHY didn't I pat him as he ate? WHY didn't I check he was okay? If he was going to die, after all this time, surely he could have waited until I was holding him in my arms???

When I say this is ridiculous, this is what I mean. He was 17 1/2 years old. He was very frail, blind, deaf and lame. I had been caring for him for a few years while he gradually got worse. The way he died - whether it was a stroke, aneurysm, heart attack, whatever - was absolutely the best way for him to go. He did not suffer. He did not have some terrible illness or disease. AND YET I STILL BEAT MYSELF UP FOR NOT HOLDING HIM AT THE MOMENT HE DEPARTED THIS EARTH. Any reasonable person would tell me not to be so silly. I did everything for him, etc etc. But still, I found something to feel guilty about. Something that I, imagining I was actually in control of another creature's life, thought I could have done. To make things better for him? For me?

I don't know why we go through all these what if's and guilt trips. Your beautiful cat, for whatever reason (and we'll never know why), has gone. There is no logic in any of this. No reason.

What matters is your love, which will never die, and the bond you have and will always have. See? It's been three years and you still feel very close to her. Treasure that - you will always have her close to you in spirit.

Do you know what? I think she is trying to tell you something - I think she is trying to tell you it's okay, it wasn't your fault, it just happened. And that she loves you.

hugs
deb