It's been a week since Magnus died, and here I am, at work, looking at the clock constantly trying to remember what I was doing at this time last week. As I write this note, it's 11:28, and I remember that last week we were at the park with Magnus. He was doing poorly, but we wanted him to get some sun and fresh air one last time. We had a nice, relaxing time at the park. Stayed about an hour, then brought him back home to nap.

He died around 3:00, and I guess I'll be staring at the clock on my computer then, too. Or I'll be in the bathroom, crying, and trying to pull it together to make it through the rest of the day.

My emotions seem to have mood from crazy sobbing to sadness and a general feeling of sickness. I'm depressed and I feel sick from head to toe. I'm probably internalizing a lot of the stress of the past week, plus I know that I'm not sleeping or eating well.

We have some nice plans for the weekend coming up, but I must admit that I don't really care.

I know how you feel.

It's hard. It's like your world has stopped and the rest of the world just keeps on spinning around you. And you're sat there watching in in somekind of slow motion. It's weird. That emptiness and aching that you feel will slowly fade - or rather it won't crush you all day like it does right now. It's been just over a year since Lily left and four months since Hunny left. Sometimes I feel like I haven't cried enough for Hunny since she left, but then I think of all the tears that I cried before she had to go. She battled cancer since last summer so I'd been crying since then. I still miss them so much.

It's only been a week. That's not long at all. The pain is still so very fresh. The memories are still very vivid. I found myself angry and resentful at times at the beginning - especially when Lily died. She left so suddenly and I was so resentful of my work. I HAD to be at work the next day. Losing your babies sure puts life into perspective. So many times I put my job before my family. Never again! Family comes first from now on.

Sorry, I'm probably not helping at all. I'm feeling pretty blue today. And when I get like this it usually makes me feel angry (cos I'm at work).

Please take care. We will get through this - in time.

Lynette.

Lynette:

No, I appreciate your reply. I suppose that I'm feeling rather angry too. Angry at the rest of the world for going on like Magnus was never here. Angry at my job for expecting me to perform like nothing happened. Angry at people who haven't taken the time to say they're sorry. Angry at the fact that I have to move on with my life when I don't really feel like right now. Angry at every stupid or minor thing that's happened over the last week because compared to what I'm dealing with, it's nothing.

I'm even angry at the fact that I had to make the decision to put him to sleep. He was struggling and hurting and it was the right thing to do, but I'm angry for having to make that decision. I'm glad that I was able to give him one last gift, but I'm angry because it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted him here, with me.

Yep.

I totally understand.

Tokolos,

It's totally normal for your emotions to be all over the place--it's only been one week since you lost Magnus. I did the same thing when Buddy died, and I would guess that most of here have done the same thing. Last week at this time he was sleeping on the porch etc. I saw this poem on another website that might help with your anger about having to put him to sleep. As much as it hurts us--we really are helping them. When Dakota was diagnosed with Bone Cancer I was beyond heart broken, but the night before we put her to sleep she was in so much pain I had to Love her enough to let her go. I'm not sure if the poem will help--it made me cry but I felt better about my decision. Just know that you're not alone, and for all the people who didn't say they're sorry --we're all here to tell you how sorry we are.

Today I Loved You Most of All

We knew it from the start
And now we sit together, me with heavy heart

I know that it is time, to release you from your pain
There's nothing left to do, nothing left to gain
As I look into your eyes, I feel the pain I see
I know that you've been holding on just because of me
You are my best friend, and I don't want you to go
But loving you as I do, I can't let you suffer so

So as I hold you here, I just wanted you to know
Today I loved you most of all -
Today I let you go.

Author Unknown

This is the poem that helped me deal with Hunny's death. I even made up a little memorial card with this and a little eulogy and mailed it to the vets who had taken care of her.

If it should be....
If it should be that I grow frail and weak,
and pain should keep me from my sleep,
then you must do what must be done,
for we know this last battle can't be won.

You will be sad, I understand,
but don't let grief then stay your hand,
for this day, more than the rest,
your love and friendship must stand the test.

We've had so many happy years,
what is to come can hold no fears.
Would you want me to suffer? So,
when the time comes, please let me go.

Take me where my needs they'll tend,
only stay with me until the end,
and hold me firm and speak to me,
until my eyes no longer see.

It is a kindness that you do to me,
although my tail it's last has waved,
from pain and suffering I have been saved.

Do not grieve, it should be you,
who must decide this thing to do.
We've been so close, we two these years,
Don't let your heart hold any tears.


It still makes me cry. But it's what we had to do for her. I couldn't bear to watch her suffer with cancer. And it was time for her to be with her sister, Lily, again. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life.

So sorry about Magnus----and you said it perfectly in that first paragraph. It is just so frustrating that most of the people around you don't understand what you are going through. Aside from a very few people most people around me can't seem to comprehend the pain and loss I am going through. I wish everyone I knew had a pet and loved them as much as you and I did therefore everybody you came in contact with would understand what you're dealing with. The sad reality though is they just don't understand. But those people are also missing out on all those great years we had with our pet...the unconditional love, the loyalty and just the pure joy they bring into your life....its their loss I guess. Again, I'm sorry about your loss but try to hang in there.

No, I appreciate your reply. I suppose that I'm feeling rather angry too. Angry at the rest of the world for going on like Magnus was never here. Angry at my job for expecting me to perform like nothing happened. Angry at people who haven't taken the time to say they're sorry. Angry at the fact that I have to move on with my life when I don't really feel like right now. Angry at every stupid or minor thing that's happened over the last week because compared to what I'm dealing with, it's nothing.

I'm even angry at the fact that I had to make the decision to put him to sleep. He was struggling and hurting and it was the right thing to do, but I'm angry for having to make that decision. I'm glad that I was able to give him one last gift, but I'm angry because it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted him here, with me.
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i am so sorry for your loss. i understand so well what youre going thru. i too have had to make that horrible decision and i left feeling so much rage for having had to make that decision and so true. there are many people that just dont understand so they avoid you and dont say anything at all and if they do they say, its just a cat, or a dog or just get another one. i know this wont make you feel better right now but magnus WAS here and he made a difference to you and thats all that matters. you gave him a beautiful life. one that he probably wouldnt have had if he had gone elsewhere. hes only been gone for such a short time and you are allowed to grieve as long as you need to. you lost your best friend and family member. but know this: the decision you made to end magnus suffering was made out of your love for him. and that is the greatest gift you could have given him. yes i know that it sounds ridiculous and so cliche but its the truth. magnus was so blessed to have you in lis life that loved him that much. i too, hate that we have to make that decision. unfortunately its just something we must do. but hold on to the happy, wonderful memories that you have with your sweet magnus. this will get you thru.

you are in my thoughts and prayers. may you find peace.
please keep writing. it is very healing.
patricia

Thank you so much, Patricia. I have found a lot of healing writing on this board and reading other people's posts. I hope that one day I'll have enough strength to reply like you and so many others have---with words of encouragement and comfort for what people like me are just newly going through.

I found this poem the other day, and I am trying to commit a part of it to memory to help me realize how important my decision for Magnus was. The part I really love is:

"Cut the leash that holds me here, dear friend
and let me run
a strong and steady dog once more
my pain and struggle done"

He loved to run, and I realize that now he can run, up in Dog Heaven, around it's clear blue lakes filled with geese, as much as he wants. That's something he hadn't been able to do in so long.

I love you, Magnus!

Hey Tokolos,

I am so sorry to hear about Magnus. I like that name Magnus. It invokes images of vikings and those healthy Swedes like my great grandfather.

I know that I lost my Harley Parley 28 days ago today and almost got another dog this weekend. It didn't work out for a lot of reasons, but I think the biggest one is that I'm not quite done grieving over my stinky dog (my term of endearment for him) just yet. I have been fortunate that people around me understand my loss and have allowed me to grieve, but I know not everyone feels the same way. Some think life just goes on and yes life always goes on, but when you grieve life takes a different meaning and different path than everyone else. Although all of us have some feeling in common with you in terms of losing a beloved pet, we all grieve differently. This may even be different from others right under the same roof as you. Just remember that you should be allowed time to grieve on your own time and at your own pace.

I'm thankful for this forum as it has been a refuge for me to write about my experiences and see that I really am not alone. In the next while I plan to make a picture mug with my dog on it, plant a tree with his ashes underneath, and write in my journal. All those have helped.

My wish for you is that Magnus' spirit of happiness fills your heart and helps you through the healing.

Take Care
Peace & Love
Ben

what a beautiful poem! hold on to that. i will. thank you for sharing it with us. and just so you know, i am just like you trying very hard to make it one day at a time. forcing myself to understand that there is so much i dont understand. and believing that my little fred and riley are happy now. its quite draining somedays, because i dont want to think that. somedays i just want to stay in bed and cry because i miss my furry ones so so much. but i believe that there is a reason for everything. and if our heavenly father blessed me with 14 years with my little babies then there must be a good reason why he took them back ( i like to think he missed them something awful He has once again filled my life with joy by sending me lucy. but even though, when i read your stories, i cry right alongside. we are all in this together. right here to hold each others hand.
i love the visual of your sweet magnus running. i have an idea. close your eyes and lock that "video" in your head. even put sound to it. see the big billowy clouds? hear your magnus barking? those are barks of happiness. when your heart hurts, close your eyes real tight and watch the "movie" again, and again, and again. and one day after youve opened your eyes, you will realize that you have a big smile on your face instead of the tears.

youre in my thoughts and prayers. god bless all of our wonderful furry ones. may they all be running around the lakes and fields, chasing geese and each other...patricia