IT has been a week since I lost my dog, Harley. He was a Poodle/Terrier SPCA Special, and he brought a ton of joy into our hearts. He had a very tough life when we got him and it showed as he was a timid dog when you first got to know him, but eventually he just cuddle up beside you and beg to be petted.

A week ago he had a cancerous tumour that ruptured and he died of internal bleeding. Totally unexpected and out of the blue. IT has hit me like a ton of bricks. MY Fiancee seems to be handling it way better than I am and I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I'm over reacting, but I just can't see the light at the end of my tunnel. I can get by doing what life wants me to do (work, school, chores) but I feel cynical and jaded.

I know Harley won't come back and I know he is so much happier where he is at the Rainbow Bridge, but why do I feel like crap?

All I know is that I miss him so.

Thank you
Ben

because its always hard when you lose a best friend. im so sorry for your loss. its really difficult. everyone here can attest to that. if it was easy, well, none of us would be here. i lost my little best friend fred four months ago and although it has gotten easier, it feels like my heart has been ripped in two. you are not over reacting, your just very sad. not everyone reacts the same. many of us here have dealt with people not understanding why we take it so hard. and although we explain that these pets are family, no less loved than a mother, daughter, sister...people still expect us to get over it quickly. the reason we are all here is because we are all hurting deeply. we loved them deeply because they are the most loyal family member we can ever have the priviledge of knowing and having. they love us unconditionally. and how do you get over that quickly? the only thing i can tell you is that time heals. that and writing. i too didnt think i would ever get past this. i didnt see the light, just darkness. but everyone here lifted me up. take it one day at a time. be kind to yourself. hold on to your fondest memories with harley and come here as often as you need to.
you are in my thoughts.
patricia

you feel like crap cos you hve lost a very special friend so suddenly & unexpectedly....u just want to scream @ everyone "don't you get it, my best friend has died!!! don't you care!!!! (well i did anyway)....BREATHE OUT.......then in.....let all the emotions come....everyone handle's their losses differently.....tears are very healing....though I'm sure you don't think so right now....we all understand your grief, as patricia said otherwise we wouldn't be here for each other...it's early days for you...be gentle with yourself & come here as often as you can....we so understand your pain.
elaine

im so sorry ,we know how that feels ,you feel like that beacuse a special being that brang you so much joy and love has passed ,its very hard and your not overreacting at all ,its all normal ,when my jeannie passed i was devastated ,its so hard ,even now after a couple of months the pain still keeps hitting ,try to take each day at a time and know that people here know how this feels , i hope that you start to feel even a bit better as time goes on .take care and be well .

how are you travelling Ben.
thinking of you
elaine

Hi Ben,
That's exactly how I lost my dog Sam just over a month ago; internal bleeding as a result of a tumour. She was gone in hours.
I feel like crap too if that helps - I know it doesn't really but at least you know you're not alone in how you feel.

Thank you folks for all your kind words. I am feeling a lot more at peace this week about the passing of Harley. We brought his ashes home and did a little candle ceremony where we remembered all the great things about our dog and what he meant to us. We also talked about former pets as well as lit a candle for all animals who are abused, lost, or homeless.

I know we will never have another Harley, but we are thinking of getting a new dog in time.

Thank you for all your support and prayers. It has helped me tremendously.

Ben

truly a beautiful pic of your harley.
I'm glad to hear your are moving thru your loss.
elaine

It does feel like crap. I lost two dogs within 9 months. Lily - suddenly and unexpectedly June of last year and then Hunny this April. Hunny fought cancer for 9 months. She was such a tough dog. Very strong. But we had to let her go. She was on painkillers for the last month and tumours were popping up in other places. I know I had more time with Hunny than you did with your best friend, but the result is still the same. We both lost our kids and best friends. Everyone here has lost their best friends so we can all relate to the pain you're feeling. I have never understood how others can just go on, but I guess each person handles their grief differenlty. Sometimes, I think that maybe if you're the primary care giver you get attached just a little more than the rest of the family. That's how I look at it. I'm not belittling everyone else's attachment to their pets. But in my family, I was the one who usually took them to the vets, the one who fed them every day. The one who worried about them constantly - that' s our job as a parent.

It's four months since Hunny left, and 13 months since Lily had to leave. I have four dogs now. I miss Hunny and Lily every day and at times it still hurts just as much as it did at the beginning. But I think that each and every one of us here has been blessed with the unconditional love of a precious pet. They never wanted anything except love. I hope one day we'll all be together again. But for now, I hope that they are all happy and healthy and having so much fun.

I know Hunny and Lily are together again. And as much as I miss them, I need to believe that they are happy and healthy and running through the meadows at the Rainbow Bridge together. Maybe they've met Harley.

You'll get through this. It sounds like you have a very loving family. This is a great website. I certainly needed it and it has helped me through some of the very difficult times.

I'm not good at this, but some people here know just what to say. They have such beautiful words to write to help you through this.

Oh yeah - he was a very handsome fellow. You must have been so proud of him.

what a beautiful little boy harley was. and im so glad to hear about the candle ceremony. i think that is just wonderful and healing. im also glad to hear that you will one day open your heart and doors to a new little one. they can never replace what weve lost but they sure do help us heal…and laugh again.
harley is looking after you now and smiling down from heaven.

patricia

Once again thank you everyone for your stories. Lynette, I was so touched about your stories about Lily and Hunny. And no, you have every right to grieve at your own pace. I have been fortunate that no one has pushed me or said I should get over it, and for that I am grateful. As well as very grateful for this forum. It has been a blessing to me.

Peace & Love
Ben

Dear Harley,

These last two days Daddy has missed you a lot. Not sure why. Maybe its because once again Daddy feels overwhelmed with life and really wishes he could take his Harley Parley for a morning walk to clear the cobwebs and have some fun again. I drive around and I see all sorts of people walking all sorts of dogs. I know why they do it to. Not for the exercise, not for the sunshine, or even the ice cream wagon.

They do it because they love to walk their best friend and spend some time with them.

I love you my boy.
Ben

Ben, I'm sorry about Harley. Its an awful thing to have to deal with. I lost my dog Keesha 5 weeks ago. The first week was the worst week of my life....I couldn't eat or sleep. I didn't want to be around anyone....I was just in a trance...in shock. Its gotten a little better since but I don't think the pain will ever totally go away. You just miss them so much.

You said your fiancee is handling it much better than you....i'm in the same boat. My wife was very upset at first and still misses her a lot but is handling it much better than me and seems to be moving on. I think that might be because I had Keesha before we even got together so even though she was a family dog she was more my dog. Was Harley more your dog?

You're certainly not over-reacting. Everyone grieves differently and it will take a lot of time as i've learned. Its been 5 weeks for me and it seems like it just happened. The pain will subside little by little and there will be good and bad days...just don't rush the process. Take care.

Ben, Harley is a handsome looking guy, his eyes are so full of life and love , some days are better than others, but i know there's times during the day that are very sad because the routine is not there. thank you for your kind words and remember the joy he brought you in so many ways. Scott

it was so hard to read your letter to harley. it was so touching.
i know how hard this is ben. take it one day at a time. time heals and we are always here for you.
you are in my prayers.
patricia

Beautiful letter to you Harley Parley.
thx for sharing.

Thank you for your kind words everyone, and my hope and prayer for each and every one of you is that you find comfort from the loss of your pet. They really are like a member of the family and I'm not too ashamed to say it to people I know, even when they think I'm crazy. Even in our human frailty and sometimes incompetence, we are given the chance to love a pet unconditionally and give them all we have. I think pets show us that we have a deep capacity to love and nuture another creature. That is something that not every creature has the capacity to do.

Our pets are a reflection of the love we are capable of giving and receiving. For all of you Beatles fans out there you remember the famous words, "and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make!" The more you give, the more you get.

Those are my thoughts for today. I'm stuck in a stifling library right now and wishing I was out for a walk with my dog.

Peace & Love
Ben

Oh Ben again beautiful words, thank you for sharing them, I didn't realise how much I needed to hear them today.
I hope by now you are out of your stifling library & breathing easy.
Peace & Love right back @ ya
elaine

so true ben, so true. we need to be reminded of that. thank you!!! i also believe that in being able to love a pet so unconditionally we become better overall : more loving, more tolerant, more patient, kinder and so much more to our fellow human being. this is what our wonderful 4-legged creatures teach us.

thank you for the wonderful words.
patricia

Ben, Harley was such a cutie! The hours and hours Callie and I spent together, bound by a leash! There is something so very theraputic about spending quality time with our furry little friends. Yes, they ARE family. I think it's enough to just let people know we have lost someone very special to us! I too don't care if they think I'm crazy for loving and mourning a dog so deeply. I think I feel more sorry for the people that don't understand than I do for myself and my painful loss! I've found so many people in my life that are mourning a pet as badly as I am mourning Callie. You might be surprized at how many people really do understand, it's just that nobody talks about it.

Dear Harley,

Today it has been six weeks since you left us here and went to the Rainbow Bridge. I hope that you are having fun and enjoying yourself in a place where you never go hungry, thirsty, cold, feel pain, get sick, and enjoy the wonderment that the Creator has given you. You were the wonderment the Creator gave me, through all your little doggie quirks and ways you made me happy. I just got home from playing summer hockey, and there's one thing I really miss right now; you.

I remember how often you would hear me coming up the stairs and when I rolled through the dark, lead only by the glow of my cell phone, there you would be. Wagging your tail and then lay on your back for a tummy rub, before you would scoot under the bed to sleep, eventually coming out and laying on your bed and sleeping so peacefully on your side. So trusting and so knowing you were in a safe place where people loved you. Sometimes you would already be sleeping and I would wake you for a quick pet.

Tonight was the 3rd game in which I got home to an empty space. I have to admit my boy that I really miss you and it hurts me so much some times when I realize that you are gone. Goodness how I miss you. I just can't believe you are gone. Some days hurt more than others, but I am slowly getting through the pain.

Mommy and I had a long talk tonight before I went to play and she said I could rub her head from now on if I wanted luck. It's juts not the same as doggie luck.

I love you my boy and I miss you.

Ben

PS. The Oilers blankie will always be yours.

beautiful words, beautiful picture, beautiful dog.
R.I.P.
Harley

Oh Ben, I am so sorry. He was so adorable. All I can offer is a big cyber hug to hold you while you cry.




p.s.
You might try the "wifey rub" it just may bring better luck than the doggie luck!

Dear Harley,

Today it has been seven weeks since you left us to go and play at the Rainbow Bridge and wait for us while we get there. Your loss has really taken the wind out of my sails and I am finding life really tough right now and I have so much to do in the next three weeks. I am just feeling overwhelmed and wish I could just take a break. However, as I wrote in the journal yesterday, that you brought me such good memories that I will never forget.

I also decided that I will finish this latest Masters course in your name and dedicate my term paper to you, forever my loving study buddy. That seemed to give me new strength as I finished off the reading units tonight and made great progress.

Next week is the SPCA Paws for a Cause walk. I intended on taking you and showing you off, but this year I will walk in your memory and do my part to ensure that other doggies go to loving homes and give their owners all the love they can handle.

I love you my boy
Ben

hes so beautiful. what a face. hang in there ben. i know its rough but youre going to be ok. you are not alone
patricia

Dear Harley,

8 weeks ago yesterday you and I had our last walk together. It was nice and sunny, my feet were a little sore from my gout, and we only had a 30 minute walk. I sat on the bench, let you off your leash and the watched as you ran around excited and sniffing everything in sight. We walked back to the truck, you jumped in and we went home. I will forever be grateful that I got that one last walk in with you seeing the entire week before I was out of town and couldn't walk you. I always loved our walks no matter how shot, how long, hot hot, how cold, how much snow, how icy. Of course when it snowed 31 inches overnight and you jumped out the door only to disappear into a snowbank was another matter, but you always loved walking with daddy. I remember how I would listen to my tunes as we walked and sometimes sing to you, changing the lyrics and fitting "Harley" into the song whenever possible (Hey Harley Que Paso).

As I find myself insanely busy right now, I am missing those walks with you even more. Maybe its because my waistline is growing, maybe its because I am so out of shape right now, or maybe because the stress right now is causing my gout to flare up and I live in constant physical pain right now. I miss those walks my boy and what I wouldn't give to spend just one more day with you. MY guess is that it would definitely include a walk.

Yesterday we went to Paws for a Cause which is a fundraiser for the SPCA. We donated our money, looked around, and wished you were there. We told others about your passing and they totally understood the bond between a dog and its family. We went in your honor and we told people that you were an SPCA dog and that we hoped our meager donation would help other doggies find good homes. Mommy and I also looked at other dogs in the hopes that we will get one eventually. That dog will never be another Harley that's for sure, but we also know their are a lot of dogs out there who long for a good home full of love. That was the kind of home we always wanted you to have my boy. The kind of home where you knew you could have good food, a nice bed, toys to play with, blankies to curl up on, and a mommy and daddy who could give you back just a little bit of the overwhelming love you gave us.

I miss that love my boy, and I miss being able to give you back that love. I hope you are having fun at the Rainbow Bridge.

I Love you my boy
Ben

oh Ben,
What a beautiful and inspiring post. Thank you so much.
And god bless Harley. I don't know why, but I do know he is very very happy and having lots of fun at the bridge.
deb

Thank you Deb,

I am thankful that I can write about Harley. I find it is helping me through his loss. I can honestly write about how I feel and let it out. I know I Miss the little guy tremendously, so writing brings back the good times and fills the void I have right now.

Peace & Love
Ben

what a beautiful letter to harley. very hard to read without shedding a tear or two...or three. that photo is just so beautiful. and im glad that writing your feelings down is healing your heart. harley's glad too.
you are in my prayers.
patricia

Dear Harley,

Today marks nine weeks since you have gone. It was a surreal day and a good day in that I finished my term paper yesterday and my gout seemed to have cleared up. A major amount of stress has been lifted from my shoulders. Tomorrow is my final exam and then I'm off to Vancouver for meetings until Friday. I know Mommy will miss me while I'm gone and it was always reassuring knowing that when I was gone you would look out for Mommy. I know that your spirit will be here to look after the place.

Tomorrow marks the last day of summer officially, but to me summer ended when you passed away. After that it was just too hot, and too sad to do anything. Now that fall is upon us, I'm reminded that on September 9 it would have been three years to the day that we picked you up from the SPCA. I remember how happy you were to leave there but reluctant to come to a new home. You often hid behind the couch or crawled under the china cabinet. I imagine that you were sad at leaving your first home. However when you realized that this was your new home you warmed right up to us and become a beloved member of the family. Once I started walking you and taking you on really long walks in the morning, our bond was sealed and our love for each other grew. I only hope that your first owners knew that you found a home that was as loving as your first. I can't imagine the pain they felt when they had to leave you at the SPCA.

I miss you study buddy. If you were here, you'd be laying beside me right now as I review my notes one last time in preparation for tomorrow. As I finished my paper last night, I thought it would be fitting to write the following on the last page of my paper with the photo included below, which was taken on your last road trip with Mommy and Daddy.

"This paper is dedicated to the memory of my study buddy, "Harley", who was taken unexpectedly on July 20, 2009"

Thank you my boy for nudging my hand and making me write.

I love you
Ben

Aww Ben, another beautiful post and a gorgeous pic too.

Well done on finishing your paper. I know what it's like trying to get things done when you've lost your best friend.
Harley is with you forever, guiding you, protecting you, loving you.

It is eight weeks since Frankie passed on. We are taking our daughter on a beach holiday next week - the first one in years without any pets. It will be different, but we will make sure we do lots of relaxing, eating, drinking and lying on the beach. It's only a week so we'll be able to get back to our cat and our horse. And we'll be bringing back a puppy! A new dog, "Hamish" same breed as frankie, but totally different personality, it will be fun especially for our daughter who's never had a puppy.

Frankie is a part of us and always will be, he was our first "baby".

blessings to you and yours, and safe travels, to harley's mama too
So thrilled that you've finished your paper!

deb
and frankie in spirit
and all the menagerie

Thank you Deb. The feelings I have been feeling lately are those of fond memories and happy times. Of course I still miss my boy and wish we were going for our walks in the morning, but I also realize that Harley is in a happier place now and that he would want me happy. We have been looking at a new dog and we think we may have one. Ironically his name is also Harley, but he's a totally different breed. He's a pug Beagle cross, with one deformed paw. 1 year old and the family wants him to go to a good home, which we are hoping we can provide. As this is a holiday weekend in Canada, we will not be getting him this weekend.

I hope all is going well with your healing as well. I have to say that the past 11 weeks have been incredibly difficult and tough, but this forum and folks like you have helped me tremendously in my healing.

Thank you
Peace & Love
Ben

Dear Harley,

It seems hard to believe, but it has been a little over eleven weeks since you departed from us and went to wait at the Rainbow Bridge. I have to very honest when I say that it has been eleven of the toughest weeks I have ever had and knowing all the loss I've seen in my life, that says a lot. However, as the leaves are changing colour and falling, mornings are getting colder, and days grow short, I am reminded that fall is upon us and like the seasons change, so does life. Sometimes life seems so empty and so hard when I think of the fun times we had and how you were taken from us so quickly. That day will forever be burned into my mind and thoughts of it brings tears and some regrets. However as time has passed, those memories fade and are replaced by many funny memories.

I remember your first Christmas with us. I was sort of worried that you had no playfulness left in your life as I bought various dog toys and hoped you would play with them to no avail. I have to admit that I wondered what kind of dog I had gotten that didn't like to play and for the most part, seemed very sad and timid. That all changed during your first Christmas with us.

It was our turn to host Christmas and we had a full house full of people and all the presents were opened and the floor was full of wrapping paper and such. You were going from person to person investigating and letting your nose do the talking as you sniffed each box and parcel and wagged your tail when you thought you had a treat. Well, little did you know that you would be receiving a gift as well. It was opened last and I held it out for you to sniff and of course it was filled with doggie treats and contained various smells that only a doggie would love. You immediately sat down in front of me and looked like the most obedient dog in the world. Everyone remarked how handsome you looked and we were fortunate enough to get a few pictures of you sitting there waiting. I opened the stocking and pulled out treat after treat: fishskin, biscuits, doggie chocolate, a can of apple tort for doggies, and the famous orange "bone." As I handed you the bone, you immediately starting squeezing it and squeaking it madly. Then you dropped it at my feet and nudged it towards me. I was shocked and then threw it for you to chase and you did! It was like a light was switched on, and you played with that bone for a good half hour.

Your "bone" not only became a toy, it also became a signalling device for you when I was cooking and you needed to be fed. I have heard that dogs often negotiate with their toys when they want a treat, and boy did you negotiate with your bone. We have put away most of your stuff and given some away as well. I keep the bone here as a friendly reminder of you and how it drew out your goofy playful side and hopefully it brought you as much joy as it brought me.

I miss you my boy, but I know you are in a better place.

Love you
Ben

PS. Just thought you'd like to know that I got 96.5% on my course and another "A", and my professor liked your picture and tribute in my term paper.

Tried to attach this, but here is Harley and his "Bone"

just a beautiful tribute for beautiful little harley. as the seasons change, i like to think our furbabies are running thru the falling leaves, looking down at us every so often, but mostly enjoying the warm sun and the crisp air. congratulations on doing so well. i think harley is smiling!
patricia

Dear Harley,

It is once again late on a Sunday night and I can't seem to rest. Maybe because I have a cold, maybe because I'm stressed again. I have found it difficult to sleep since you left us 18 weeks ago. Maybe because I went to bed on a Sunday night not knowing that it would be a somewhat sleepless night and one that would be your last night here with us. Maybe I'm still afraid and maybe I'm still sorry that I didn't take you to the vet sooner. I really didn't know then just how sick you were. I really hope you know that I miss you a lot and I wish you were here to enjoy the snow again.

Oh how you loved fresh snow. You'd go out in the yard, lie on your back, and wiggle in it doing your "wiggleworm", or you'd push your nose along the snow just using your back legs looking like a little polar bear out there. I really miss seeing you do that out there. Snow just seemed to give you a little more energy and you liked taking your walks in it, even while wearing your little coat which I think you secretly liked wearing.

We've been looking for a new doggie lately and its really hard for me not to compare them to you when I see them. That's probably not fair to the other doggies, but I don't want to disrespect your memory. I would never ever get another dog to replace you my boy. You were once in a lifetime and that's a pretty long time.

Well it's time for bed. I just wanted you to know that I Miss you my boy and I love you.

Peace & Love
Ben

Hi Ben

Your Harley Parley looks so adorable. I am so sorry for your loss and pain.
I first joined LS after reading your posts a few days after I lost my precious Noushka, so suddenly, 12 weeks ago. So I would like to thankyou for drawing my attention to all the wonderful people on here who sadly are all too familiar with the heartache of losing beloved pets. They have all been a great comfort and have helped me to carry on and think of the happy times. I have made some good friends.
Please if you have time to read my posts, you will see that you are echoing everything that I have said, about not realising how ill she was,not getting to the vets earlier. It was all so unexpected, and I wasn't even with her when she passed.

The snow as well. Noushka, and my Tasha who left me almost 4 years ago, are Samoyeds and they so loved to play in the snow. They would push it along with their noses , like your Harley Parley, and come up with faces covered in it. We haven't had any snow here in the South of England yet, but I am dreading it coming.

As for the looking at other doggies, I know just how you feel. I keep looking on here and then I just think , hold on, it won't be Noushka, I want Noushka, oh it's so hard.
Maybe I'm still too raw and hurting too much. I know I have so much love to give tho' so hopefully one day the time will be right to lose my heart again to another darling doggie.
I hope you managed to sleep ok. I was up at 5.30 as usual, couldn't get back to sleep , I hate the mornings now, no Noushka at my bedside .
She and Tasha will be saying, "come on mum, we're here with you, you just can't see us or touch us, but we're watching over you". They were always there for me through good and bad times, and I know they always will be. Just like your Harley Parley.

Well done with your exam success by the way, that was some pass mark. Harley will be very proud of his dad.
Thinking of you.
Jan

Dear Harley,

It has been well over seven months since your last day here with me and Mommy. We miss you tremendously and wish you were here still, but we take great solace in knowing that you are happy and healthy where you are and that one day we will see you again my boy.

Over Christmas, Mommy bought me a book called "Guardians of Being" in which the authors write and illustrate the beauty that dogs just inherently know and how they teach us so much about ourselves and about unconditional love and acceptance. As I read it I remembered that you never ever had any problems that I knew about. You were just you and you just wanted me to be just me. NO expectations, no roles to play. Just being a being. I think that is what I miss most about you. YOu really brought out a different side to me, and it was a side I really enjoyed.

I know I haven't written much lately but you have been in my thoughts. The people in here have been super nice and they all know the pain of losing a pet. THey also know the joy of having a wonderful friend.

I love you my boy
Ben