Is this normal?? Even when I'm exhausted I just don't close my eyes...I just stare at the TV, I don't even really watch it. Also I've been drinking every night. Not alone or anything but I keep finding excuses to hang out with friends and get a buzz on. I don't feel like an alcoholic but then again, it doesn't feel quite normal either.

its very normal! i remember laying in bed (thats all i wanted to do) and the tv would be on and although i was watching i wasnt watching. i was in this fog. then i would start crying and force myself to eat something. and if it stayed down, i would return to bed and attempt to watch tv. i was wierd. i would watch and then about ten minutes or so in i would realize i had no idea what i was watching. i know you are going thru such a rough time. i felt like i was this robot, barely functioning and not really knowing why i was doing things. i think waht happens is that we get to a place mentally where we want to run away. we dont want to remember, in fact we just want to forget. i know that if i could drink i would be an alcoholic right now. when ever my pets passed is the time i wish i could just shove it all under a rug even if it was with a dirty martini. you have to hang in there and at a certain point (and you may not like this) you must face reality. otherwise you cannot heal. you must remember that you are not alone and if many of us have started the healing process than so will you. i promise you that. i always say, if i can do it... than so can you. please hang in there with us and keep writing about how awful this is. writing is healing. we are always going to be here for you.
patricia

Well said Patricia, once you stop trying to push the sadness away but let it go thru you, you will feel a little bit better. not at all easy to do but it is the right first step in being able to live. what you are feeling is sooo normal, it hurts, everything seems wrong, nothing brings joy & sometimes sleep evades us....you will get thru it, not until as Patricia said "you face reality" and believe me this sux!!!! but it works....
I will keep you in my prayers Rachyrach1.
elaine

Been there, done that! We all grieve in different ways, it' a very individual process. If drinking turpentine would have taken some of the pain, no matter how temporarily then I'd have done that too. Reality can be a horrible place at times. There's no instruction manual on grief. There's nothing you "should" or "shouldn't" do. I've lost people in my own life that I don't grieve for as much as my animals. Just remember that time is a great healer. You do whatever you have to to get through the day. Just be gentle to yourself, and don't be afraid to reach out. We're here for you, and you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

I agree with you Robert. Take care and be good to yourself, Rachyrach1.

I agree completely with the others that this is a normal reaction during the grief process. At the same time I am very leery of using alcohol to dull the senses because in my younger days I had a lot of difficulty with heavy drinking. I would suggest the following as substitutes that may help you to get a good night's sleep:

1) If someone is available get a good massage just before going to bed.
2) Try a "relaxation" tea from a healthfood store. Most of them have valerian, hops, and passion flower extracts, all of which will act as a mild sleep inducer.
3) Take a melatonin tablet about 4 hours before retiring. It signals the brain that it is time to go to sleep. This is also found in health food stores.
4) In the afternoon go out for a brisk walk, followed by relaxing in the tub with a good book.

These will help you to get sleep without numbing you to the grief process. When you numb yourself you are just putting off having to work through the grief. While this is a very human thing to want to do, it delays the healing process. Find someone you can talk to about Buster and your feelings who will listen with empathy. That will really help you to move past the initial grief and begin the healing process.

Take care and keep us updated on how things are going. You will get through this. It just takes time.
All the best,
Ken

I have to comment about Robert's "I grieve more for my animals than some people I have lost" (paraphrased, sorry!).
I cared more about and thought more of Bitsy than most people I know. Our pets give us love unselfconsciously, without reservation, and without asking us to be anything other than who and what we are!

Rachyrach, although I can't answer whether the drinking is either good or bad, at least you were doing it with friends, instead of going out own your own and trying to "drown your sorrows". Sometimes just getting away from the immediate pain can help, but as others have said, it is far better to face it head on!

I also had trouble sleeping, especially since Bitsy always curled up behind my knees every night. I found it helpful to place a small cushion behind my legs. Even though my conscious mind accepted the fact that she is gone, my body had become so used to her being there. I don't know if this helps or not. Everyone has to find there own path to healing and dealing with their loss, but just sharing with each other goes a long way to reaching peace!

Andy

dear racyrach. please dont misunderstand. i am not here to judge (nor do i think anyone is) only to be a support . i did not mean to say that drinking is bad only that i believe that once we accept reality, than the healing process can begin. boy. i am the poster child for trying to run away. i remember when little riley passed away, i would work late into the night. i convinced myself i had so much work to do. i would come home sometime til 1 or 2 in the am but no matter what time i came home, opening the door was just the worst pain i could imagine. i too went out with my friends as much as i could too but at the end of the day, i had to come back home and the pain was seering. finally i just came home at the regular time, i got back into my old routine and thats when the healing for me began. it was by no means easy. i would sob the minute the door closed behind me. i would collapse into bed and thought that if i covered my face with the pillow then it wouldnt be true. in my mind i didnt want to let go and i expected him to come running to me or snuggle next to me while i was sleeping. it was so difficult. but day by day, actually hour by hour (because there were times when i would look at the clokc and think wow, right now im doing better than i was fifteen minutes ago.) healing set in. a year and a half later, im still working on healing. grieving is different for everyone. we are all different. take it one day at a time, one hour at a time. like robert and dusty moonrise have mentioned, i too grieve more for my animals than some people i have lost. and i so understand the pain you are having to deal with. if i could take it all away, from everyone that is going thru this i would. its just that i think that to face it will help the healing process to begin. i know its hard. i dont like to do it myself. but know that we are all giving you one giant hug as you go thru this. you are not alone.
patricia

You all are so wonderful. I've been trying to keep busy and I've been describing my pain as a sort of river that is flowing deep inside of me. Figure that I would want to drown my sorrows then huh? I also realize that Buster sort of defined me in a lot of ways. After I got him I started working at Dog Daycares, training, grooming, everything dog. I've lost that sort of sense of self right now and I don't know who I am. Hence the drinking and going out with friends. I've never, in my life, been so tired. Not just sleepy but EXHAUSTED. I finally got to sleep before midnight last night just to wake up at 4am looking for my dog and cry myself to sleep again. UCH.....I hear you all..."do it in your own time" I also hear that I'm not crazy, or a freak, I'm grieving. Thank you for your support.

Ken, my boyfriend broke up with my 4 days before my dog passed. That adds a layer to the grief as well. No massages, no comfort, just double the loss.

I didn't think you were judging, not one bit, ever.

wow rachyrach1 what a beautiful way to describe your loss, the loss of your identity, that is powerful & scary stuff indeed, now wonder you aren't sleeping. Remember to breathe out, then in.....I can't believe I've survived the loss of my Buddy but I have & I know it's from comming in here daily or more often that helped so much. It helps to affirm that we aren't crazy or weird but very sensitive ppl who hve been privelidged to hve shared our lives with a companion. I so remember feeling that I was so lost I really felt that I was walking round in circles (actually maybe I was), I hve experienced the loss of relatives but nothing & I mean nothing prepared me for what I went thru when Buddy died.
I too wish I cld take ppl's pain away, but that's not my job,I do know that you will find comfort & solace from all your new friends here.
elaine