I've been to this website a lot over the past few weeks, some of the stories here have made me cry more than I already do, but this is my first post.

Zizi was a pure-bred Shih Tzu and my parents bought him for me when I was about 16 months old. My mom always says he was small enough to fit in her hand when she bought him and was so cute, she knew she just had to get him and even borrowed money from my Aunt to do it. Because she helped pay for him, my Aunt named him Azizi, which means "precious" in Ibo. But we just called him Zi or Zizi.

I was too young to remember, but when she first brought him home, I didn't understand he was a little living thing. I accidentally squeezed him a little hard, but after I learned how to play with him, I never stopped.

I had my dog my entire life until now. When my parents divorced, when we moved out of the house I grew up in, when my grandmother died, Zizi was always like a rock for me and could comfort me even if I were otherwise inconsolable. He was never trained and always had free run of the house. He practically lived like a temple dog, which is what Shih Tzu's were bred for.

He liked Pepsi, though he only had it twice by accident. Anytime someone opened a can, he'd beg for it.

When no one else would deal with the little brat, I would, because I am one myself. When my grandmother died, Zizi (who was also attached to her) started sleeping in my room because we both needed the extra comfort. He liked to lick people and would do it incessantly. He liked to have his belly rubbed all the time and would roll on his side the moment someone showed any interest in him.

My freshman year of high school, possibly the worst year of my life, was bearable because I had my dog with me. The thought that no matter what happened, ZIzi would still be there for me, kept me from true isolation and depression that year and made my life better every year afterwards.

Zizi died at the vet's office while I was away in Arizona. He was about 16 years old, and I had been expecting his death but it still caught me off-guard completely. We were raised together, so I don't remember any point in my life until now where I didn't have my dog with me. I was his main caretaker, he slept in my bed, I fed him, and walked him. Aside from my mom, who occasionally offers her sympapthy, nobody else in the house seems to notice or care that he's gone, but I've been coming home after school and crying for nearly two weeks.

I don't like being around people with dogs anymore. I stopped talking to one of my friends because she's always playing with her three dogs when I call her. I'm feeling burned-out all the time, though I can never fall asleep, and I can't concentrate on my school work.

I had always wanted to be there when he went, and I suppose that's what keeps me up at night. I knew I'd cry, but I never really expected it to be this bad. I miss my little boy, he loved everyone, but as equals in his little kingdom, not as "masters" or "owners." He knew I was not the greatest person ever, but still loved me. I loved him back and the hardest thing in the world to get used to life without him.

Me and Zizi (1989)

Wow – I know a few people that are little brats but non that would admit to it.

My friend has a Shih Tzu named Lolly so I now exactly how loving they are she jumps in my arms and licks me to death every time I go round there.

We all handle grief differently so please don’t assume that no one else is grieving or missing him they may just not be able to show it, which is sad for them.

Its lovely for you that Zizi has been there for you in times of need but he will still be there whenever you need him or even when you don’t, you just wont be able to see him or touch him. Think of his little spirit soaring high and jumping and playing at Rainbow Bridge. Don’t even try to imagine how wonderful Rainbow Bridge is our brains just don’t have the capacity or the knowledge to deal with it.

Its so sad that you couldn’t be with him but you can still do a little ceremony for him, light a candle, say a prayer bless him on his journey.

Make a photo album or have a shelf in your room dedicated to his memory, we all do something no matter how small, I have a snugly cardigan which I wear in the winter or if I'm ill and I still has their collars in the pocket and its been 18 and 21 months for me.

Take care
Love Sue

I'm sorry for the loss of Zizi, KayMarie. I know the void created when your dog passes from this world. As you probably read, I lost my Ava a little over a week ago and I had her for almost as long as you had Zizi. Although your Zizi has gone over the Rainbow Bridge, he will always be with you in spirit. Your thoughts and memories will keep him alive in your heart forever.

It is unfortunate that you could not be present when Zizi slipped his worldly bonds, but perhaps it is a blessing in disguise. You will remember the fond memories and the good times rather than remembering something like Zizi taking his last breath. My dog went suddenly... Alive and apparently healthy one evening, gone the next so I never got to say good bye either. I wish I had pet her one last time and told her how much she meant to me. She knew, none the less, I'm sure.

You can never be prepared for such a tragic event. No matter how ready anyone thinks they are, it's a different matter when it actually happens compared to just thinking about it. My Ava had a bout of something last fall, not even the vet was sure what it was but a minor adjustment to her diet and some suppliments, she improved. I was so worried about her then and knew that she was getting old and it was only a matter of time. I tried to start preparing for the inevitable then. With all that time to 'get ready', I was still devestated when I found she had passed away.

Don't be too hard on your folks. They are probably just as upset as you are but are trying to be 'strong for you'. Grief effects us all differently. And don't be hard on your friends. Sometimes it's hard to see your friends still enjoying their pets while you are suffering a huge loss in your life. They aren't doing things to spite you. Let the people know around you (folks and friends) know how upset you are about your loss. They probably don't know the excrutiating pain that only a broken empty heart knows.

I'm a new member here but I will tell you what other's have said here... come here and talk about Zizi and your feelings as much as you'd like. Your posts may not get answered right away, but that doesn't mean the people here don't care, we do. We read and we cry with you. Perhaps we don't have the right words to say all the time but we'll try our best to help you through the journey through grieving seeing as we are or have experienced losses ourselves.

KayMarie,
I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I'm so sorry you lost Zizi, he sounds like he was a wonderful friend and companion for you. I'm new here myself and just lost my little Dieter last week and the hole he has left in my heart is huge.

Gort has some wonderful advice and I couldn't say it any better. Like he suggested just coming here and writing about what you are feeling and Zizi will help you. This is a safe place, where people have and are going through the emotions your experiencing. You will receive so much support and so much wonderful advice about what each person has found has helped them in this strange walk of life that we are going through.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

KayMarie,
That is a really sweet picture of you and ZiZi.
I had been trying to hide how upset I've been, but today, 2 friends separately asked me "how are you doing" and I decided to answer them honestly instead of "ok". (I know, careful what you ask!)

Anyway, it was very cathartic to talk to them, and they both had lost pets and I felt a lot better afterwards.
And they both had their dogs there and I played with them, too. It's been 2 1/2 weeks for me, and I lost my
sweet girl, a kitty, so maybe it's different, but playing with their dogs did make me smile while I cried.

You're in my thoughts.
-Sharon

Hi KayMarie,

I love that picture of you with Zizi too, that is so cute!

Hang in there, you will feel better eventually. It's been almost a month since I had to put my Jake to sleep, the first two weeks were the worst. I'm getting to the point now where I can go a day or maybe two days without actually breaking down into tears at some memory. Grieving is just a process you have to go through, it's not over in just a couple of days but it does get better with time.

Jake is the second dog I've had pass on, and one of the worst feelings is that feeling you said, like they are just GONE and no one cares. I'm sure your mom misses him too. You probably miss him the most though, that's the way it is here, my husband misses Jake but he still has his #1 dog here, our other dog, her name is Spike and she's almost 16. At first I felt like you do about your friends dogs, I would look at my husband playing with Spike and think, it's just not fair!! I think it's normal to react that way when you've just lost a dog you've loved.

I had the same symptoms you do too, had a hard time sleeping or concentrating on anything. That is alot better now too. I hope if you have school work due or tests and don't feel up to it, maybe your teachers will postpone things a little while for you.

hugs for you ((((KayMarie))))

Hi KayMarie,
I love that photo too!
You have described how others "don't care" and how upsetting that is--agreed!! I still am a bit in awe of how almost "disinterested" people seem about my loss and it catches me off guard from time to time...but I have finally come to grips with the fact that my people in my life are not going to greive my loss. They are pretty much caught up in their own universes...as I am certain your friends and family are too! I think if you want empathy you are just going to have to come here where people "get it"!

Your relationship with zizi was so unique! you grew up with zizi and many of your life experiences were shared with zizi--the people around you did not have that same type of relationship with zizi and therefore they really can not "feel your pain". That is the accurate truth.

I agree with Gort. I know that you feel you should have been there for zizi for the end..but if you go through some of the posts here you will find that many many people are totally tramautized by "being there". Things played out the way they did as part of a big plan. We can not undo anything that is done. None of us can. If I knew what I did not know then I would have handled everything so differently!! but alas, we can not go back in time and change things and nothing will be gained by beating ourselves up about how things unfolded in our individual situations.

You benefited greatly from your stewardship of zizi--& you honor zizi now to forge ahead without regret. It helps to share all that you are feeling --maybe you can write up an tribute to your zizi and place it on the memorial board--that way it will always be there and you can come back and add to it whenever you want to. And don't forget--we are here..your new friends. Just as zizi has our pets to play with and romp with at the rainbow bridge--you have us. we are always here.

Thinking of you!
{{{{{{{{{{{{{KayMarie}}}}}}}}}}}}
Love
Patti

Hi KayMarie,

I'm so sorry to learn of the loss of ZiZi. I know you miss him terribly. I really like the story of how you and Zi grew up together and what a great relationship is must have been!

When we lose our beloved pets, only another pet lover can truly understand the almost unbearable pain and grief we feel. Losing Zi has left a huge void in your life and it will take a while to adjust to a life without him.

You loved him very much and he loved you in return. It would indeed be a much better world if people could learn to love unconditionally as pets do. When we don't have that in our lives, the world seems to be a much harsher place.

I know you're sad you weren't with him when he passed away. But believe me, I was right there with my "Little Man" when he left this world. It was comforting to know he didn't struggle or suffer, but it was also very disturbing to hold his lifeless body in my arms---one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. The point is no matter how we lose them, it hurts, and there's no way of getting around that.

I'm glad you and ZI had sixteen years together. Always cherish his memory and he'll continue to be with you forever. Until your grief has eased a little, please continue to come here and talk about him as much as you need to--that's why we're here.
We have all experienced the heartache of losing our beloved pets and we all grieve together and help each other through this most difficult time.

As one of the other posters said, "This is a safe place." You will always find concern, love, understanding, and comfort here.

You're in my thoughts,
__Jim

KayMarie,

I'm so sorry about the loss of your sweet Zizi. I know you're heartbroken beyond belief.

Zizi isn't upset with you for not being there when he passed on. I agree with Patti about there being a plan for how things happen. He is pure soul now and he is in perfect bliss. He's still there with you---just not his body that you can see and touch in earthly ways. But he's closer than you think, but in a realm where there's no time or space.. Many years from now, when it is your time to pass on, it will be to Zizi like not a second has passed, and there you'll be---fully reunited!

But in the meantime, you will go through this grief... But we'll all be here to help you through it! You can come here any time, and some of us are even here in the middle of the night.. Or we'll see your latest post when we sign back on.

Could you take something to help you sleep---like benadryl (non-prescription) or something your doctor could prescribe? I know several others here have done that---including me. I agree: It's hard to function and do the everyday things our life requires when our hearts are shattered.

Remember, you don't have to feel any regrets. Zizi is fine, and if the roles had been reversed and it had been you who passed on instead, you would want Zizi to be okay until the day you reunited.

Much love to you,
Kathy

Hi KayMarie:

That photo of you and Zizi is just soooooo precious......
I'm sure that someone was scrambling (quietly) to get such a picture...

I can "hear" in your letter that you loved your sweet Zizi more than anything, KayMarie, and
isn't the "unconditional love" that we get back from our furbabies just soooo wonderful???

I am sorry that you were out of town when Zizi passed away, but like Gort said, "perhaps that
was a blessing in disguise"...
That way, you will always remember Zizi just the way he used to be....
I also know that there is probably some guilt feeling because you were not there, but in this world,
things work out the way they do......
We don't have anything to do with some things........

I've always said, "the most wonderful thing about memories, is that they can't be taken away"!!!
And, Zizi will FOREVER live in your heart and soul and mind......
He's always with you; that, I am sure of!!!!!

I know that you miss your little boy something terrible.......
I can tell you from experience, that each day WILL get a little bit better......

It's "baby steps" though........ Somedays are like 4 steps forward and two steps back....
But, it's hard to heal a broken heart..

Just know that you have lots of friends here, at LS...........and, whenever you feel sad, or the need to
write, just come on board and type until you can't anymore..........
That's what I did -- I wasn't even sure that I was making sense, but all that mattered was that I was getting
the pain and agony off my chest.
Everyone here did understand what I was writing, because they had been there themselves.

God Bless you, my new friend,
We'll be here for you --

Love, Denise

I just want to say thanks to everyone for their advice and support. This is a wonderful site and I'm glad I came across it. I can't tell you how valuable it's been to me, not knowing how to handle my grief, but I have been talking to my friends and family again and I feel much better knowing I have somewhere to talk with people who understand.

Thanks again,
KayMarie