Yesterday, Oliver, my beloved companion cat and best friend of 15 years passed away in my arms. I have very few friends to talk to that understand the deep relationship that an animal can create with another human and am not yet comfortable going to a local support group so I am glad to have found this online support community.

For years my vet and I helped him battle with thyroid, kidney and finally CHF issues as best we could. I'd like to think we had moderate success but I think the truth is we merely slowed the progression and ultimate outcome of his issues. Maybe that is all that I should have hoped for. The past couple weeks his increasingly skinny frame began to gradually lose his balance, then yesterday he could only take a step or two before lying down on his side. Then rolling back over to his other side a few minutes later. He seemed to be lethargic in a dream like state maybe not wanting to expend any unecessary energy for fear his organs would give out on him.

I brought his food and water next to him and after showing the slightest interest he seemed to tired to get up to eat or drink so I tried giving both with a syringe only to find out he did not want it afterall. I held him and stared into his eyes. He had completely surrended his muscle movements to the desire of how I wanted to hold him. Despite his continued calm and unstressed composure I could tell something was wrong. Maybe he had come to terms with it at that point and had given up fighting it.

Then minutes later he started having what I can only describe as a seizure like event. For about a minute his legs seized up in all kinds of directions, he took 3 gasps of air, letting out a sound that I can only imagine represented pain and that I fear will forever be etched into my memory and was gone as my tears flowed all over him as I begged him to come back. It makes me cry right now writing this. I am 40 and cannot ever remember crying like I did then and continue to do randomly - I never knew I was capable of feelings as extreme as I have.

I have been single the entire time I have been with Oliver and work from home so he was with me literally 24 hours a day on most days. Our habits became so intertwined that it is hard to get back to any of my daily routines without thinking of him and getting sad. He would follow me around from room to room. So full of unconditional love, affection, forgiveness and understanding. His death has hit me like a ton of bricks. I am so sad. I know I must but I have trouble eating and sleeping. My life has ground to a halt and I lay in bed all day.

I am a bit of a recluse but had convinced myself that the reason I never felt lonely was mostly because I made an effort to keep in touch with friends and family but with him gone I now feel for the first time "lonely" and realize that I have probably been so to some degree for all these years and he was the main one who filled that void.

I know he would want me to be happy and think of all the great times we shared but doing so just makes me realize how much I am going to miss those times and makes me sadder not happier. Every room in my place contains something of his which reminds me of him which makes me sad yet I cannot get myself to store or hide any of it.

I could not bear to look at him after he died yet at the same time continued to be with him and pet him. I ended up having a individual cremation the same day. His remains sit in front of me as I write and bring tears to my eyes if I look at them for too long yet I want them near me at the same time.

I have read many great posts on here about how others are going through the grieving/healing process and how for some, time makes parts of it less painful and I hope that is the case for me as well but right now it seems like it will be an eternity before I can think about him and not feel sad about him being physically gone. From his gentle nugges on my cheek with his paw to wake me up when I have over slept to him curling up next to me at night to sleep. I feel like his soul will forever be part of my heart and his memories be in my mind but for some reason that does not yet make it any easier for me to move forward.

Anyway, thanks for reading, this has been a truly life changing moment for me that I hope to fully understand and appreicate one day. What is left of my heart goes out to anyone who is going through this process or about to.

dear chris I am so sorry for your loss, I do know that feeling of I'll never stop crying....u will but not for some time.....how blessed you were to hve held your beloved Oliver in your arms when he passed....I know how traumatising it is for you.......{{{HUGS}}}, I'm glad u hve his ashes, it's sorta like he's still there, but obviously in a completely different way....I'm thinking of taking my Buddy's ashes with us when we go to our farm in a couple of weeks, it just wont be right going down without him, it is going to be hard to go without his phylical presence....There is nothing I can so or do for you, but I care & I know how awful this is.....come & share with us here we all know what it's like to loose our fur companions....I'm quite a bit of 40 & hve children etc....& yet I was shocked by the intensity of the loss of my Buddy.
again {{{HUGS}}} all the way from australia.
elaine

Thanks elaine, it helps to know that I am not the only one experiencing some of this and I appreciate your sympathy. I am sorry for your loss as well. Hopefully in time it will be easier for us all to deal with. I keep telling myself to concentrate on happier memories and in the end this will probably work it just seems hard to do when his passing is so fresh in my mind and his absence is so obvious. Hope you are able to still find some enjoyment in your trip to the farm.

i'm sure our trip will be good, Chris I know u will make it thru till tomorrow, I'll bet u not sure, but you will, more {{{HUGS}}} for you, I find the memories will come but first let all the tears help wash away the shock you are in now, peace be with you
elaine

Chris,

For whatever comfort this might provide, my dog died very dramatically in my arms at home, but in the presence of a vet, who was unable to euthanize because my girl had lost so much pressure, catheter and needle insertion failed. The seizing response you describe is similar to what I witnessed. I don't profess to be know all of the clinical implications, but I can tell you that when multiple organs fail and death quickly follows, the body goes through what can appear to be painful or struggled processes. However, the beloved animal at that point is often not aware of these involuntary processes, and they are the body's metabolic manner of succumbing to physical death. It can be very hard to witness, I know. But please try not to add to your grieving pain by thinking that what you witnessed was little Oliver's pain or fear response. I think that we are so removed from witnessing 'natural' death as it occurs outside of euthanasia, we are not emotionally prepared for the experience of seeing the body shut down when it enters multi-system failure. This can be very disturbing to the best friend that is watching, and feels powerless to do anything to intervene.

I was beside myself when my girl died like this and thought it was traumatic for her. But the vet said the organ failure she was in caused the seizing, and she was so in an altered state, she didn't even realize what was going on. The release of breath that you described is an involuntary physiologic reaction to organ failure and the death process. I personally also see it as perhaps the physical expression of the liberation of the spirit. This is my own view and I'm not suggesting I know it to be so, but it does make sense to me,.

I hope you find comfort for the death experience you had, which can add to your grief if not placed in a perspective that is manageable and understandable. So give yourself some patience and kindness and know that dying is actually hard work, in that the body has a lot to take care of when coming to a place of final rest. And that process can look violent or unduly traumatic to the loved one who is witness to the process. What I've taken from that experience is that is was a privilege to be with my girl while she died, actually on her own terms, and I'm grateful I could hold her as Death took her.

I will be thinking of you and your beloved Oliver, and knowing that the relationship you had and the Love between you was, and is, more powerful than the shutting down of physical organs as little Oliver left this earth.

God bless and I am so sorry for your loss of Oliver. I wish you Comfort in the coming days as you continue your life without the physical presence of your best friend.

Robin

robin what you've said makes so much sense, I didn't experience any of what you've described but my vet did express some of these occurances to prepare me if they occured which they didn't, I sit here typing & crying so hard.....
elaine

elaine, I did indeed make it through the night. I think the physical and mental exhaustion and stress of it all finally forced my body to get some much needed sleep. I continue to have random crying spells but I think you are right that they help purge the body of the shock and even some of the physical pain. The alternative is to bottle in all those feelings which can't be good. I so look forward to the day that my memories of him bring only happy feelings but I guess it is too soon.

Robin, thank you so much for taking the time to share your story and perspective on it. I am so sorry for your loss. It is very helpful to know you have gone through a similar situation and that our beloved animal friends may not be in as much pain during their passing as I had assumed they are. I guess since it can be such a tramatic event for us it is easy to assume it is for them as well unless we know better.

I have indeed never witnessed the natural or assisted death of an animal or person and unfortunately was not prepared as far as what to expect and I certainly had no understanding of what an animal may or may not be feeling at the time. Seeing and hearing him in such an unusual way I just assumed the worst in every part of it. Thank you again so much for your thoughts, they have really helped me better understand my experience and I take great comfort in the possibility that he was not necessarily in pain or that he was even consciously aware of what was happening to him.

I am so very sorry about your loss. It is just devastating to lose our beloved friend.

This grief thing is such a rollercoaster of emotions - it has taken so many twists and turns and at the end of it all - well, I just still miss my Callym so painfully.

I wish more than ever I had the proverbial magic wand, to make our animals come back healthy and happy.

Sending loads of hugs.

Thank you for your sympathy and understanding Scarlett. I am so sorry for your loss of Callym. It has been devastating indeed and I too feel like even at this early stage it has been a rollercoaster of emotions. I guess we can take comfort in knowing that after a dip there is usually a rise and over time hopefully the distance between both extremes will stretch out to the point where the dips will not be so painful. I would do just about anything to get him back but everytime I look at his cremated remains it is a painful reminder that it is not going to happen. I guess the next best thing is to beleive that our furry friends are happy and healthy wherever they are, know how much we love them, are watching over us and are waiting until it is our time to join with them again. I have been praying that he send me a sign of any of this.

I will pray for u 2 Chris.
elaine

Thanks elaine, I very much appreciate it. You and your Buddy are in my prayers as well.

Chris,

First let me extend my deepest sympathy for the loss of Oliver. I am so sorry that your heart hurts so much. It's like I've said over and over again on here it hurt's to breath and you have to think to do the most mundane tasks. Your whole being is stricken with grief and you can't function, don't know how you will go on. You pray God let the hurt stop, let the tears stop, make my world right again. Nothing makes any sense anymore. There is no joy, no laughter a void. You think you are literally losing your mind. I know. My Sammie, a 3 1/2 year old Sheltie died while I was away on vacation. She died in much the same way you describe about Oliver. She had seizures from her organs shutting down and it was horrible to watch. I wasn't there but my best friend who had been keeping her was. I made her tell me everything and those memories haunted me so bad for weeks. If it wasn't bad enough that I wasn't there but to know she suffered and was in pain was much to much for me to handle. I wanted to die.

My vet explained to me than when animals and I'm guessing humans get to the point their organs shut down and their bodies seize they do not know anything and they don't feel pain. They are for all intensive purposes gone. The mind shuts down and the body follows. The body has a natural fight or flight syndrome and it has to go through all of that sometimes before it can shut down and let go. I did some research on my own and found many articles saying just that. So both Oliver and Sammie were no in pain, they were not suffering and they were not scared. Their beautiful little souls were already on their way home, their bodies just had to catch up. I hate that you had to see that as I hate that my friend had to see it too but know that Oliver is happy and I hope has a new friend in my Sammie.

It has been 23 days since Sammie died and since we were on vacation for a week before it's been 30 days since I've hugged her. It hurts every day and will always hurt to some degree. I do not remember much from the first week at all and not a lot more from the second week. I know I had trouble even getting up to shower. No make-up for first 2 weeks because I would have cried it off anyway. I still cry everyday and I miss her so much but I have a grip now and can go on. I try really hard to think of her happy and think about her wanting me to be happy too. I believe she can see me and come visit from time to time and I want to make sure that when she does she sees me smile. She loved me just like little Oliver loved you and he would want nothing more than for you to be happy. He knows just like all our furkids know that the tears and swings of emotion are necessary for our continued healing. They understand that because God explains it to them. But ultimately, they desperately want us to be joyous.

This place saved my life for without it I might have had a nervous breakdown. None of my family, kids, husband anyone could understand the depth of pain but we do on this sight and we will be here for you. Write a lot and write often. It helped me initially and continues to help me now. I've done quite a few things to memorialize my Sammie and it made me feel just a little better. Each day I write in my journal and I call it letters to Sammie. I write to her and tell her how I'm feeling like I used to. I printed every picture out of her I've ever taken (hundreds) and put them in a photo album. I had a shadow box made with her paw print, piece of her fur, the rainbow bridge poem and a picture and it will hang in my office as soon as it is done. I ordered her a headstone and made her a nice little grave in our backyard where I can visit her often.

I put a framed picture of her in every room that I frequent in our house and in some way makes me feel like she's there watching me. I also read the book "All Pets Go To Heaven". It gave me some piece (although I didn't like the first 40 pages or so). You might want to pick that book up at a local bookstore and read it. But for now, scream, get angry, sob, vent, lay in bed all day whatever you need to do to get through this. It is all normal behavior and we must go through this grief. What I've learned is this.. For all the pain I feel now I wouldn't trade the 3 1/2 years of the most wonderful love I've ever felt for anything. God will not bring you to it without bringing you through it. Let yourself mourn. Don't what if yourself to death. Don't keep reliving the death. Do love yourself and appreciate what a wonderful life you and Oliver had together and know you gave him an amazing life while he was here on Earth. And you will see Oliver again.

I'll keep praying for you.
Melanie

dear chris, my heart goes out to you. im so very sorry to hear about your best friend oliver. my little fred passed away almost 4 months ago. and there are days when it feels like it just happened yesterday. fred was diagnosed with diabetes just a few months prior to his passing. i can relate to dealing with their ongoing health issues and watching your best friend go thru all of it. i cried everytime he got probed and prodded. in the end, he passed from complications of diabetes, he died of kidney failure. he too died in my arms. the doctor injected him with a sedative before giving him the final injection but he didnt need the latter. i closed his little eyes as i rocked him and sang to him and told him how much i loved him. i know what you mean about after our babies passed. i held fred for a couple of more hours even though i knew he couldnt hear me anymore. its just so hard to let go. these are in my life, the hardest moments ive ever had to go thru. but at the same time i loved every minute of the 14 years i had with fred. i wouldnt trade any of it because the joy and love he brought me, well its priceless. youre life will never be the same. i know mine isnt and i remember thinking the same thing you are now: it seems like an eternity before i can think of my sweet fred and not cry or feel that pain in my heart. but all we can do is take it one day at a time. allow yourself to feel every emotion, no matter what everyone around you is saying. cry, be angry, cry again. and i can tell you that as time goes by, so will your pain. it will lessen. and sometimes you will have a really bad day after a good day...be kind to yourself and keep writing. this was the place where i was able to pour out all of my pain. and wonderful people picked me up. we are here for you too.

i will pray for you, that your pain will lessen day by day and that the memories of your wonderful oliver will fill your heart.
patricia

Melanie, thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers and sharing your experience, it really does help me. The description of your grieving experience sounds much like mine. I feel like my life has been turned upside down, everything has fallen out of place and I am crawling around trying to collect all the peices and put things back together all the while knowing that even if/when I am able to do so the most important peice will still be missing. He was such a big part of my life. I have tried to convince myself his soul/spirit still lives on inside and around me but for some reason it is just so hard getting over not having his physical companionship.

I was expecting this would be mentally draining but have been surprised at the physical toll it has taken. I have quickly learned to force myself to eat and sleep whether I want to or not. I figure with proper sleep and food I will at least be giving myself a fighting chance to face all the challenges I need to overcome to make it through the day. Every room I walk into around here I am reminded of how much I miss him. Even if I could get the strength to start putting away some of his many things scattered throughout I will always be reminded of one of his many favorite spots to lounge around as I walk into each room.

I am so sorry your Sammie passed away at such a young age and you were not able to be there with him. I am glad at least he had the company of your best friend. It sounds like you have made progress towards your memories of him being only the joyous times you two shared together rather than focusing on his passing as I seem to have been doing. I long for that day when my memories of Oliver do not bring to mind his passing, or at least not in a painful way, and it sounds like in time it will happen.

Sometimes I wish I had not witnessed what I did and other times I am glad I was there. Despite not wanting to think about it, I think the more I understand what was actually happening to him the easier it is to process. So I thank you, and Robin earlier, for sharing that our friends are probably not in as much, if any, pain and fear as ones imagination can make it seem they are.

I too beleive our pets want us to be happy. It seems whenever I manage to do so it is short lived. Sometimes I think if he is looking over me and I am happy he might think that I do not miss him or had not cared about him as much as I do. He was a smart cat though so I don't know why I don't trust that he already knows how strongly I feel about him and that I do not need to be sad or cry to show how much I miss him.

Thanks for all the ideas on memorializing and book suggestion. I have been meaning to get some books on the subject so will check out that one you mentioned. Just making these posts has helped me tremedously and in time I think I'll try writing in a journal and assemble his pictures as you have with Sammie. I have often wondered when the right time is to put things of his away and/or put up pictures of him, I guess it is different for everyone but right now I am conflicted as I can't get myself to put away anything of his yet it still hurts to look at it so I just try to walk around here without looking at anything of his but knowing it is all still there, it is strange. I have been able to look at his cremated remains and while it still hurts I seem to also get some level of peace out of it that is just slightly greater than the hurt.

I agree that despite how tramatic an event this has been and how hard the grieving process may be, I too would not trade all the time I shared with him to not have to go through it all. Thinking that way really helps put things in perspective and can reduce the pain and sadness. Thank you again so much for sharing your thoughts all of which have been most helpful in getting me through this new experience. You and Sammie will be in my prayers as well.

Thank you for your kind words patricia, I am so sorry for the passing of fred and I will keep you both in my prayers. The more I read about others experiences the less alone I feel so I very much appreciate you sharing yours. I suspect we will always miss our furry friends as we should but I too am hopeful that in time my pain and sadness will be replaced with happy memories. I feel like the support I have gotten on here has created a great foundation for this once I am able and ready.

It is so sad having to witness the slow downward spiral of a pets health. As we unfortuantely found out the best efforts of our vets and ourselves are often not enough and we are left feeling helpless. At least with their passing you know that in most cases it will be over shortly but having to watch them struggle without knowing how many more weeks, months or years they will have to do so was heartbreaking. I am glad you were able to be there to help fred move on. It is good to know you also felt the need to hold onto fred after he passed. It felt so sad and strange sitting there holding such a lifeless body but I guess I just wanted to enjoy being physically close to him as long as I could.

It seems a common beleif on here is that no matter how upsetting going through a pets illness, passing and grieving for such may be to us all the amount of joy that we were blessed with by having them in our lives far outwieghs these negatives. I think this is the right perspective to take and hope it makes it easier to get through the greiving process so I can focus more on the happy memories that we shared. I will indeed continue to take it one day at a time and keep checking in here for support as needed. I don't know what I would have done had I not found this place and people as kind as yourself.

chris, you are such a special person. i so admire your strength even though i know you are hurting so much on the inside. please do continue to check in and let us know that you are doing ok. dont forget that we are always here to pick you up. i know that oliver is in a wonderful place now, with all of our loved ones. its a place where the sun always shines and pain does not exist. take comfort in that.

you are in my thoughts and prayers.
patricia

Chris i am so very sorry about oliver,i know how hard it all is ,my cat Jeannie passed away over a month ago in my arms also ,it was so heartbreaking ,i was in total shock and cried so much ,im still so sad over it all still ,she made some sounds also when she was passing and shaked a little also and it hurt so much beacuse i couldnt stop it ,i also know what you mean about all the rounties,Things dont feel the same after thats for sure,and how much you want them to be there again ,its so very hard ,but please give your self time over it ,no matter how much time beacuse it truly is so devastating when they leave us ,that emptyness and trying to rembemer all the happy times is like beyonde hard ,and trying to get used to living whitout them, i do hope you start to feel even a bit better ,and know that people here do understand. take care and be well THANKS JAY

Thanks patricia, most of whatever strength I have gathered during these past few days would not have been possible without the support you and others on here have so kindly provided. This is my first time going through something like this so even the most simple and seemingly obvious things really help. While I still miss him, as I suspect I always will, and I am still sad and heartbroken, the physical drain that all the anguish was previously generating has gradually subsided so I feel like I have made some progress there.

A few things that I think have helped so far is coming to the understanding that he likely did not suffer during his passing nearly as much as I had imagined as that really bothered me. Also as each day passes from that tramatic event it gets just a little easier for my memories of him to focus on all the happy moments instead. Finally, beleiving that he is in a happy place free of pain and suffering so thanks for reminding me of that and keeping us in your thoughts and prayers as you and fred are in mine.

Hi Jay, thank you for your sympathy, I am so sorry about your cat Jeannie. It certainly makes me feel less alone knowing you went through a similar experience and it helps to be reminded that in time some things should be easier to get through. As traumatic an event as Oliver's passing was for me, I think I have since come to the understanding that it is better for me to have been there than to not have. Of course it was shocking and hurt to have to witness it all while feeling so helpless but I think if I had not been there I would probably now be wasting energy trying to deal with unfounded feelings of guilt for not having been there and always wondering how long and how hard it was for him to pass which on reflection was not long and from what I have come to understand not as painful as I had imagined. As I just mentioned to patricia, I am physically feeling a little better which in combination with support from all the kind people on here like yourself should help me a lot to get through this grieving process. Thanks again!

Chris
thinking of u {{{HUGS}}}
elaine

dear chris how are you feeling today? you know you are absolutely right: there will always be a big piece of your heart that will miss him. i mentioned this meany times before, i still miss my tiger, my very first little cat that i got when i was 6. if i see a picture of him, i start crying and that is "ehem"-something years later. i wish i could be there to hold your hand thru this. everytime one of my pets cross, its devastating as all of us here can attest, but this is your first time. its an emotional rollercoaster. you will have ok days, bad days, days full of anger, sadness, days when you cant stop crying. just know that you have to let yourself feel whatever it is that youre feeling and hold on to the happy memories. oliver is "upstairs" now and he wants you to smile again. hes happy now.

please please continue to let us know how you are doing. we are here for you.
im praying for you.
patricia

Thanks for your continued support elaine and patricia. I am feeling better today. When this first happened I could not imagine how I could possibly rid myself of the physical pain I was feeling but thanks in large part to the support I have received on here I am learning how to get through that part of it and feel like the pain is subsiding ever so slightly as each day passes. I am hopeful that as this occurs the energy freed up can be put to better use in helping me deal with the sadness and heartbreak.

u r spot on Chris
the physical pain is a real shocker!!!! I'm often suprised by how much we can still hurt & yet see that we have moved forward in this whole process of our grief. a testament to our unique nature & the the uniqueness of our beloved fur companions.
another day to get thru, @ least u know u can do that.
keep on taking a big breathe out & then in.....stupid thing to say....but oh so important.....
go gently my friend
elaine

You are right about the breathing elaine, not stupid at all. When I cry I notice my breathing can become really short and erratic which probably just causes more physical stress but noticing such and consciously taking deeper and more consistent breaths seems to help alot.

perhaps i shld get a t-shirt printed with breathe out, then in....funny idea just to lighten the moment
elaine

Chris,
Just wanted to check in on you and see how you are doing? I'm sure you are exhausted. It is hard to believe how much our mental condition affects our physical. It's bee 28 days for me and I'm just now starting to feel better with a little more energy. I felt like someone came along and literally sucked the wind right out of me. Just walking to the shower (10 feet from my bed) was exhausting. If I had to focus very long at work I got a headache and needed a nap. My stomach was really a mess. If I did eat it didn't stay in long. My chest pains really felt like I was having a heart attack. That took a good 2 weeks to get better. And still if I feel a really sad moment coming on I get those pains in my chest and back. But, I'm starting to come out on the other side. I can sometimes talk about her and laugh at the silly moments, not always but sometimes is a huge improvement. I'm still praying for your pain to lessen each day and for you to find something to smile about. I hope you can have a nice 4th of July, Chris.
All my best,
Melanie

Hi Melanie, thanks for checking in and keeping me in your thoughts. It has been an exhausting week indeed but I'm glad to report that things continue to improve as each day passes. I still miss him dearly of course but the physical pain that I could not imagine getting rid of just one week ago has largely subsided for whatever reason. I am now trying to get back into my daily routines and adjust to life without him. The adjustment has been hard since our lives were so intertwined but I am hopeful in time this part too will get easier to get through as I learn to adjust. I was able to talk to someone who knew him briefly and we shared some mutual memories of him that brought some smiles to my face and warmth to my heart so that was nice. Glad to hear you too appear to have made some progress after having gone through similar feelings after Sammie's passing and hope you have a happy 4th of July as well!