On June 18 I said goodbye to Ramsey (R.J.). I had him since he was 5 weeks old. He was all by himself and away from the litter. We felt bad for him. My ex-husband thought he was part rottweiler. We took him to the vet and he laughed and said the only thing he has in common with a rot is that he has coat that is black and brown. They said you will just have to wait and see. I was walking him in the park and someone said what a beautiful Corgi mix. I said "thank you" and ran home to look up Corgi. Sure enough he looked like a Welsh Corgi mix. R.J. barely tolerated other dogs, was extremely picky about which humans he liked. He talked back. When I would send him upstairs, he would stop every so often, turn around and growl as he went up the steps and to his room.
He was 15 when I had to say goodbye. He has had seizures since he was quite young, but it was controlled with meds. Other than that he was healthy. He was with me when my mother died. I made the divorce attorney make sure I got custody. During the past year his health began to decline. I was given meds for a heart murmer and arthritis. I had to carry him up the steps. about 9 months ago he started urinating in on the dining room. Sometimes you could be standing next to him. He pooped in the house on about 5 occasions. He was diagnosed with cateracts and he had lost most of his hearing. I had tried to adapt my house and schedule to accomodate the changes. I even took him to an animal chiropractor. He had 2 mini-strokes. He was dignosed with dementia. I still was not ready to let go. Several co-workers, family and friends as well as his groomer said it was time to say goodbye. I couldn't . I kept hoping I would come home and he would have passed peacfully in his sleep. That didn't happen. When we would go for walks his back legs would give out and he would fall but get right up.
The last week of his life, when I would try to play with him he didn't seem interested. I made an appointment for him to be euthanized (hoping he would perk up). Two days before the appointment I was going to cancel and give me another week with him. He began bumping into chairs and doors. The day before the appoinment friends and family came to say goodbye and I took him to say goodbye to family. I had been researching the procedure. I took an online quiz. Based upon the quiz and he scored on the side of euthanizing. That night I slept on the floor next to him. (I tried to get him to sleep in the bed with me, but he kept trying to jump on the floor). The next day we got up, I fed him and gave him a med to calm his nerves. (He didn't like going to the vet). We went for a walk. I thought I would do okay. However, when I got into the clinic I began to cry. My sister-in-law was their to make sure I didn't back out and run out the door with my baby. The doctor was really nice but he suggested that it may not be good for me to stay in the room with him. Which my sister-in-law had said earlier. However, I felt like it was my responsibility. R.J. was shaking but didn't appear to be agitated. i tried to stay but I felt guilty and ran out. My sister-in-law took my place. It was quick. I went back in and said goodbye. The song "How do I live" immediately came to mine.
The hardest part is coming home and him not greeting me. I feel guilty for having to be the one to put him to sleep. Most of me knows I made the right decision but some of me would have had him hang on not for him but for me. I know it is selfish but we have been together for 15 years. I miss him. I know some day I will get another pet but I want him. I just hurt so much. I have been taking benadryl to sleep because if I don't I keep seeing R.J. laying on the table. I know life goes on and I am living and keeping busy but nighttime is the hardest time. Thanks for reading to my ramblings

dear ramsey's friend i was right were you are now 2 weeks ago today, it is just such an awful time. now is the time to be gentle & kind to yourself & post here for as long as u need to. you will cry lots & lots & you may not sleep, but do try to drink & eat a little. you may feel rundown & ache all over (I still do). Your are right to grieve your loss and it is right that you loved your companion so much. don't listen to ppl who say the "it's only a dog", feel sorry for these ppl has they have never been blessed as you hve to hve had such a loving companion as R.J. {{{HUGS}}} to you during this very difficult time. you will find the ppl here so understanding & caring just as I do....take courage.....you will make it through the next few hours....I had to break down the days this way or I felt I wld hve gone crazy...... i took out our big wheelie garbage bins for the first time this week with out my Buddy happily getting in the way, and it just sucked......i made it thru, it just reminded me he isn't here.......dont not let yourself feel what you are feeling.....it is right that you do......breathe out, then in, then out again & in....i'm serious you are probably holding ya breath....i know i was & i had to remind myself in those 1st few days to breathe, sounds silly but I know i'm not the only one here who feels this way.
{{{HUGS}}} to you all the way from Australia.......write soon......
elaine xx

I feel for you...I am very sorry for your loss.
I think you did the right thing and at least you were able to spend some time with him
the night before, I wished I did that with Ceaser. I didn't know how serious he was and he was so sick that I thought he needed to just rest and
that he would be fine in the morning, had I known that he was going to die the next day...I would have spent the night with him downstairs where he was sleeping or put him on the bed next to e like the good old days......but I didn't do that....however, I was there when he passed, we performed CPR and everything before he took his last breath an went right in front of me...he waited for me and then he went, I did feel and see his soul leave and that experience made me feel better even though it was very painful at the time.

I also miss him very much...it has been about a month and I still can't get over it. I am not in immediate pain anymore but I feel "heavy" and miss him very very much...I understand what happened and I know he is in Heaven and that he visits me but I do miss his physical presence all the time.
Im a working on a website and a scrapbook, even considering writing a book. I suggest you start writing and making a scrapbook....Pictures really helps me...
I am on a mission to gather as much pics I can of him to complete my scrapbook. I have called all kinds of places where I know he has been over the years to get some pics here and there on top of the ones I have.

Your dog a lived a long nice life and like mine he went through a divorce with me as well so I know how that feels like to have a dog that went through so much with you...who went through life-changing events etc....It is very hard!! 15 years is a long time......I totally understand. I would love to hear more abut your wonderful dog and I hope it makes you feel better that he at least spent 15 long wonderful years with you and you gave him the best care. He went peacefully.
PLease continue to write....

http://ceaserthings@blogspot.com/

It's so difficult to lose our best friends and I am so sorry for your loss. I lost two. We lost Lily a year ago today and that still hurts as much as that awful day last year. We watched the life fade from her eyes as we tried to save her. Then just a few days later we found out our other dog, Hunny, had cancer. She had two toes removed because of the cancer. Unfortunately, it came back and we had to make that awful decision to let her go be with her sister Lily. We did that April 4th of this year. It was so hard. Like you, I hoped that she would slip away in her sleep. But that never happened, she kept hanging on. Probably for our other pups that she loved so much, and that poor Lily never had the chance to meet. I will always wonder if we let her go too soon, if we could have let her stay longer. Her mind was good, she was still getting around, she was on pain meds all the time for the last month. But she had a tumour on her foot that was wide open. She had lumps popping up all over her body in the last week. She had one huge lump on her chest. Then a few days before she left, my husband found one on the back of her neck. I've watched a dog suffer from cancer and I knew I couldn't let Hunny go through that. And with an open tumour on her foot, which we knew couldn't be comfortable for her, she was constantly licking it, we couldn't put her through the agony of suffering. So, my husband made the call. I couldn't do it.

She's gone now and hopefully she's with Lily. I miss them both so much. And today will be hard. When Hunny left though, this is gonna sound weird, but it was almost like a calm came over me. I think because I cried so much for her while she was still alive. Because we knew we didn't have much time left with her, I was mourning her death before she had actually gone. I hated that, but I couldn't help it.

When I look back at the photos of her taken this year, I can see that the spark had gone from her eyes. I don't know if it was sadness or pain, only that the spark had gone. She and I took a final walk that Saturday morning. I let her lead. We went east - we hadn't been that way probably since last fall. It was so quiet and peaceful that morning. There was still snow on the ground. We got to the end of the road and she just stood there for a minute or two, just looking around. I still see that in my mind's eye - she looked so peaceful, but just so weary and tired.

I know in my heart and head that we couldn't make her stay with us just because we needed her here so much. She had to die with her dignity. She was a very proud dog. And I think deep down she was ready to go meet Lily. I sent her to heaven with a little stuffed angel and one for her to give Lily. I attached a little letter for the both of them too.

I miss and love them both so very much. But I need to believe that they are both together and that they are happy and healthy. I like to imagine them running through the fields of heaven.

You had 15 long years with your little angel. Mine were both only 8 when they left. But I know we will cherish their memories forever. And I hope to be with them again one day.

Anyway, my heart goes out to you, cos I know how you feel. But I have to go now, I'm at work and I'm crying as I write this. And I could keep rambling on for hours given the chance.

Take care.

Lynette.

So sorry for your loss. So very sorry.

dear ramseys friend

i am so sorry for the loss of your loved one. i know how hard that is and what a difficult time you are going thru. as i read your story, my heart broke for you. i dont know that i could have done what you did. what with taking him to see family to say goodbye, having frineds over to say their last farewells. what a lovely thing to do. it makes my heart so heavy just thinking about it. the guilt is setting in, the what-ifs. but please know that the decision you made was made out of love. ramsey knows that. i understand how nighttime feels. i used to work late into the night because i didnt want to come home at all. i hated that fred wouldnt be sleeping next to me. i hated not seeing him. its excruciatingly painful. when i finally could muster walking thru the door. i made sure to go right to bed so i could sleep and not think about fred not being there. and i so can relate to the song. which believe it or not helped me. i had a few songs myself that "belong" to fred, or i should say, the day that fred passed away. and the first few days, i listened to them over and over and over again and cried my heart out. everytime that i thought i couldnt cry anymore, i played it again and the floodgates would open. i would shut the door to my office and muffle my screams. even now, i can listen to the songs and i will start crying. but listening to freds songs helped me tremedously in the way of getting all of my anger, my fustration out, the guilt out of my system. whats left now is a gigantic hole in my heart filled with sadness take care of yourself now. its ok to feel the way you are feeling. i can promise you that time heals. - if only jump ahead a few weeks right?know that ramsey is in a wonderful place now and he is taking care of you now. he is your angel. please keep writing. its very healing. you are not alone!
patricia

Thank you so much for your reply. My power was out so I couldn't read my email. Today was an okay day. I think knowing that it's okay to feel this way about my dog is a help. My friends are actually pretty supportive but I don't want to appear to be a complainer so I just smile and say things are good. However inside I miss my friend. I am going to pick up his ashes to bury in the front of the window in which he looked and guarded the his property. Rather than taking meds I am just staying busy so that when my head hits the pillow I fall asleep. I would love to start walking again, but that was something R.J. and I used to do. It feels funny walking with no leash.

Thank you, I believe I read about your special friend last week. It is so hard to say goodbye even when it may be the best decision to make at the time. It is amazing how our four-legged friends can wrap themselves around our heart.

Thank you so much it is as though you read my mind. I went through the "what if's" then the guilt and though I know I will get another companion a part of me feels like I can't love again and then have to say goodbye again. Thank you for letting me know I am not completely insane. R.J. would say I was partially insane since I would dress him in doggy clothes that he despised and would try to chew off.

I think I will finally do the scrapbook that I been planning to do for years. I have lots of pictures of him. I realized the morning that I took him the vet, that I didn't have any pictures with him. I was always taking the pictures of him. Sadly we have a picture of us outside the vets office the morning of his death. It is kind of bittersweet. Thanks for the reminder to get his book together.

Thank you so much for your words of support. Your pretty strong to loose two pets within a year would be pretty difficult. I try to remind myself would I be okay living as R.J. was living. I looked at his quality of life and whether he had lost his ability to live with dignity. This site has really helped me.

now is the time we shld b around with others who understand what our losses mean, it is just so painful, we all want dignity & if our beloved companions can hve this with their last breath then we are honoured to hve had them in our lives....no words can ease the pain u r in, but i'm finding just being here has helped & I didn't even realise it
elaine

Dearest Ramsey's friend,

I am so sorry for your pain and your loss. I wish I could give you a hug in person. My Sammie didn't have to be euthanized she died very unexpectedly while I was on vacation from a disease we didn't even know she had. She was only 3 1/2 years old and the greatest love of my life. It's been 23 days since she died and 30 days since I've hugged her in my arms. I like most have lots of guilt (since I wasn't even there for her when she died, we were on a cruise ship and couldn't be reached). Then I played what if.....I tore my heart up worse than it already was. You WERE a wonderful mom to Ramsey. You went above and beyond what most people would do. You loved him and he loved you no questions. It was just his time to go be with my Sammie and all the other furkids on here. It sucks, it hurts, it is gut wrenching pain like nothing I've ever imagined. I'm dealing with it and the pain is less intense but still there. Without this site I don't know where I would be. Reading a lot of folks posts helped me so much understand the grief process and know that I wasn't alone. One of the most powerful statements I've read on here is this...."I wouldn't trade the pain I feel now for the love I felt knowing Sammie", or in your case Ramsey. That is so true. I will pray for you that each day gets just a little easier. Keep writing, I do and it helps a lot. I'll say a prayer for you, Ramsey's wonderful mother.
Melanie

i hope that today was better than yesterday. hugs!
patricia