Callym passed on May 23, 2009. It is now officially June 23, meaning it has been a month since I have seen that face walking around my home. A month later, and I miss Callym more than ever. Sometimes I think I have not really accepted his passing. I mean, I know he is not coming back - I am under no delusions. But I think as an act of self-protection, I am not really allowing myself to fully process that this is permanent. I know it is, but I don't want to think about that aspect of things as I think I will never stop crying.

The nursing Callym when he was sick with his oral/cheek cancer was the most emotional intense few months of my life - it was full of so much love, concern, devotion, bonding. And then after getting closer than ever (if such a thing was even possible) because of the nursing, Callym now is no longer here.

I do have photos of him in quite a few places in the house. While it sets off tears seeing the photos, I'd sooner that than try to forget the hurt. So tears it will be.

I don't know what to think any more. One thing, I don't think I'll ever be quite the same carefree person I once was. Yes, I am a better person for having had him in my life, but with his passing a part of my heart feels permanently broken.

Callym, I love you. I always will.

That was so nice Scarlett. When you said that you're not allowing yourself to fully process that this is permanent ... wow, can I relate. I'm so glad that Callym had you to care for him.

wow scarlett u summed up my sentiments exactly, I will never be the same either,

Yes, me too. That is exactly how I feel.

Scarlet,

You are right you won't be the same. I don't think any of us will ever be the same when we lose our furbabies just like we will never be the same when we lose our human family members or great friends. People make me so freakin' mad when they expect us to be fine now. My Sammie has been gone only 18 days and it seems like I haven't seen her in forever yet the pain is still so raw and real. But the folks around me assume my heart is healed. When my mom died it crushed me and that was 6 years ago (the same day Sammie died). I've never been the same since but I've been good the years since my mom died. It changed me, how could it not? But, there is still joy to be found in life. And the one thing I know is that our loved ones would be very very sad because we're sad. They know our tears are what heals us but I believe they want us to be happy again. It is so hard for me too but every day I tell myself to smile b/c Sammie might be watching and it would make her happy. I have good moments and bad moments and really awful moments and I imagine that will continue for quite a long while. Part of us is missing and only time will heal that open wound. I believe God will help find some way or someone to help fill that void. We will never forget, never stop missing them but we can be happy again. I pray for that for everyone on here. We all deserve that. God bless you.

Im so sorry Scarlet i know how very hard it all is .its the same thing im going trough now ,its been over a month now that jeannie passed and its still as heartbreaking as ever.one min you think your doing a bit better next min it hits all over again, the bouts of crying ,the stages of all the grief ,its hard .i also know what you mean about not being the same after it ,thats the same thing i wrote in my other post.i don't feel the same as i did before jeannie passed that empty numb feeling that you go trough every day and trying to think about the happy times and try not to be sad is beyond hard i know,and all the things that remind you of them and how you try to get used to them not being here now its so very hard.but i do hope you feel a bit better by keep writing here ,be well and take care again , THANKS JAY

I hear you Scarlet I am right there with you & you too Jay.
Some how it helps knowing that what we are all feeling is "normal" just wished it took some of the weirdness out of our lives, sigh
elaine

Thanks all.

Callym was in my dream last night. He was lying on a shelf in the living room tucked away. But when I went closer, I found out that I had been imagining him, and it was not him but another cat.

I just want him to literally walk out of the photographs and hang out with his family again. After the tough life he led before finding us, I know he wanted to be with us so much longer than he was. Sigh.

Hi, all. I just wanted to add a reply, as someone who is, unfortunately, an old hand at losing her furbabies (10, with my last one coming). You are right, Scarlett, you will never be the same. There will be scar tissue on your heart now. I don't think we ever "heal", we adjust. As much as my heart is broken, I still would not trade the brokenness and the hurt for all the love I had with my babies for anything. There is a price to be paid for that love, and we are now paying it.

I think a part of our heart always does stay broken. It's been a little over three years since my baby left me, and in many ways the pain has lessened with time, but there is still an empty place and I think it will always be there. I'm glad for you that you got those last months caring for your baby. Mine died suddenly and I wonder if it would have been any easier if I'd had time to prepare. I don't really know. All you can do is treasure your memories. And cry as much as you need to. I still cry a lot. It sounds like you gave your baby a wonderful life. I don't know what more we can do.

Magdalene

Scarlett:

You summed it up when u said that a piece of your heart is permanently broken. I lost my Springer June 24. And I too will never be the same carefree person..She was the love of my life, my best friend. She got me thru some really difficult times in my life, loss of a sibling, suffering a heart attack.....But now she'll never be able to mend this heart..

Thank you all.