My name is Melanie and I just lost the greatest love of my life. My Sheltie, Sammie "girl" who was 3 1/2 years old died last Saturday morning. I was on vacation and when I left her she was fine and when I got off the cruise ship to call my friend who was taking care of her I found out she was gone. She had a very bad incidence of pancreatitis about 2 years ago and ever since she would have "spells" for a day that she was lethargic, possibly throwing up and weak. The vet and I both thought it was just part of a pancreatitis flair up. I would give her doggie ensure, boil hamburger and rice and nurse her back and it never lasted long and she was running and playing again. All this time we now know it wasn't pancreatitis, it was Addison's Disease. It is a disease most often found in famale dogs around the age of 4. This aweful disease attacks their adrenal glands and their bodies don't produce cortisone and other chemicals. She had what's referred to as an Addison's Crisis where the attack was so bad that it shut down her kidneys, caused her to have seizures and finally her heart stopped. It is hard to diagnose b/c it presents itself in ways related to so many other things. If you are lucky and diagnose it early then you can put your dog on medicine and they can lead a heathly life. I tell you all this so that you will be aware of this and maybe save one of your fur kids. I have had lots of pets buried them, euthanized them and actually watched one get hit by a car but all of them combined haven't hurt like losing Sammie. I can't stop crying. I've cried so hard I actually threw up what little I had eaten. My face is pealing from the salt in my tears. I can't eat without throwing up or running to the bathroom. I can't sleep without waking up crying or screaming. It hurts to breath. I have to concentrate to breath. She was MY dog. My kids loved her and my husband loved her but she was my soulmate. She was everywhere I was. I took her to work everyday the first 6 months of her life. She was in every room I went in. She slept with me. She ran errands with me. We had rituals, we had fun, we shared everything. She was my happy place when all else sucked. She was the greatest joy in my life. I love my family don't get me wrong but I have 3 teenagers that don't necessarily want to be around me and a wonderful husband who is trying to build a new business so .....Sammie was always there for me. That dog understood me and tried to talk, literally would make many different kinds of noises when I talked to her. She woke me up every morning by putting her nose to my nose and staring me down until I would wake up to play with her. She waited for me to get out of the shower. She wouldn't go into my room at night to go to bed until I walked down the hall and she went with me. She was my life and now I don't know how to live. It's day 5 and I can make it about 30 minutes without a major cyring episode. Staying busy at work isn't helping, talking about it isn't helping. I actually wanted to go to sleep and not wake up the first 3 days b/c the pain is unbearable. Nothing in my life makes any sense. I can't keep a straight thought together. I walk into a room in my house for something and forget why I'm there. I couldn't remember how to do the laundry last night. I really thought I had lost my mind until I read other folks reactions to their losses and learned that this is normal. I am playing the could have should have game too. I'm trying to stop it b/c it won't help or bring my girl back to me. I feel guilty b/c I wasn't here for her when she needed me the most but I'm trying to believe that God knew I couldn't handle that part. I feel guilty I was off having fun and she was dying. I hate the world right now. I can't imagine being truly that happy again. I've been through a lot in the past several years: I had cancer twice and a stem cell tranplant, a divorce, my daughter lost a kidney, my mom died of cancer, my dad had cancer twice (he survived), I buried my very loved cat, Lewis, and I went through HELL at work the last 18 months. I'm a financial advisor with a company that changed names, systems and everything else twice. All were hard and I've been strong. I was able to cope and get a grip until now. I feel hopeless. I feel lost. I can't function. I miss her so much, she's all I can think about. I found her collar last night (my kids had hid it from me b/c they knew it would hurt). It smelled like her and I just sat on our couch and smelled it for hours. I put it under my pillow last night so she felt close to me. My husband built her a casket on Monday. I put the quilt from my childhood in there for her with her favorite pillow (she always had to lay her head on a pillow) her favorite toys and our family picture which she was in too. My husband picked her up from the vet hospital and put her in the casket so I didn't have to see her like that. My son used the tractor and dug her grave. Eight of my closest friends came over and we buried her at 6:00 Monday night in our back yard where she loved to play. I go home from work each night and sit by her grave and talk to her. I scream, throw things and cry. I just want to be as close to her as possible. I will keep reading posts as I need you all. My family and friends love me but I don't think they understand the depth of my pain. Thank you so much for taking time to share my grief with me and for the love you have all given to your furry kids.

dear melanie, i wish could be there in person to give you a big hug. i know how you are feeling. everyone here knows how you are feeling. i am so sorry to hear about your sweet sammie. in less than a year, i lost both my fur babies, the second about three months ago. i remember crying non stop and so hard, my eyes were swollen shut and my whole body just ached. i know what its like to wonder how youre ever going to make it and even wondering if you want to or not. most people do not understand when we tell them our furbabies are our soulmates but we do. you certainly have been thru so much and i understand the bond with your little one. she never made your life difficult, she never talked back, she never yelled at you for not getting your work done on time. she, like all of ours was the one constant in our lives. the one who loved us no matter what. the one who consoled us truly when we had a bad day. what a wonderful lesson we can learn from these beautiful creatures as they teach us unconditional love, patience, tolerance and so much more. how blessed you both were to have each other. im sorry she was taken so early from you. that just seems so unfair. but unfortunately we cannot control these things. when i read about you holding the collar, it brought back so many memories. when my first cat passed away suddenly last year, i was so distraught. he died the very same day we were moving to a new apartment. if he had passed away a few days earlier, i wouldnt have moved. the new place didnt hold his memories, his scents , anything at all.. he had visited the place only once two days before he passed, only because i took him first to see his dr. i found myself on all hands and knees looking for any of his fur that i could hold in my hand. i ransacked the moving boxes hoping that he had shed any of his fur in there as he played from one box to another. i found a few strands and to me it was like oxygen. i held them for the longest time. it was all i had left of him. i taped them down and to this day i still go over to feel them. this is a very difficult time for you. try and think of him in a wonderful place full of new friends. its a big open field where the sun always shines and the pain and discomfort is all gone. and when sammie is tired from playing all day she lays down and looks down on you to make sure that you are ok. she is now your little angel.
and please keep writing. write about your grief and your anguish. write about your memories. that is what got me thru the worst days of my life. there will come a day when you will be able to smile again, amidst the tears as you remember the wonderful and happy times you shared with sammie.

you are in my thoughts and prayers.
patricia

Patricia,

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing to me. It helps me feel a little less loss. I've combed the house for Sammie's fur too. The hospital where she died sent me some of her fur and they took her footprints with ink on paper for me. It is my oxygen too. I am deeply sorry for both your losses. I can't even imagine going through this twice. Complete despair. Everyone who met her fell in love with her so I'm trying to think of all the new friends that can love her now too. She was just the most loving creature I've ever had the privilege of knowing. I will keep writing and praying. Thank you, Patricia for caring. God bless you.
Melanie

I'm really struggling at work right now missing my Sammie. Her pictures are everywhere. No one is going to be home tonight due to all their activities and I don't know how I am going to walk in our house without her being there to greet me. I don't want to go home. In fact, I don't want do anything. It's hard to even shower. I haven't even put makeup on for the past 5 days b/c I would just cry it all off. I try to eat and it makes me sick. I feel like I'm having a heart attack b/c the pain hurts so much. HELP!!!!!!!

melanie, we are here for you. you are not alone. i too remember staying at the office late. i didnt want to go home and when i did, i had the worst stomach ache and i cried all the way home. opening the door was so hard. i just stood there and sobbed. i wanted to see my babies. i put a little memorial (pix, bowl, etc) up by my bed (its now been transferred to the book shelves) but at first i just kept it next to my bed. i bought a special candle that i would always remember fred (and riley) by ifor each of them. and when i was able to step inside my apartment, i just lit the candle, curled up and allowed myself to cry. i screamed into my pillow and just let it out. you would think that one night of that would be enough but it wasnt. there were many many nights like that. but my point is try putting a few of sammies things together and allow yourself to grieve. it ok. i couldnt eat either but thats ok. its ok to not be ok. you have just expereinced a huge loss. you couldnt be ok overnight. its just not possible. the first few weeks you will feel like youre barely alive, just functioning by routine. thats ok. i shut the door to my office and cried and cried. this went on for a very long time. also, i dont know where you live but sometims you can find a group therapy that is offered in some of the shelters. that was also very helpful to me. but like i said, keep on writing, like you are. pour out your heart. we hear you and understand.

patricia

Hi melanie,May i first say how very sorry i am about sammie it is truly devastating i know how you feel ,when my jeannie passed and i came home that day i cried so hard i feel to the floor ,i didnt eat well or sleep a total mess ,even now not even a month im still so sad about it all ,but this place has a lot of support please give your self time as much time as you need and come here as much as you need ,the people he do understand how this feels ,They really are like our best friends our pets .i hope you do start to feel a bit better ,best thoughts and be well .THANKS JAY

Dear Melanie,

I am so very sorry for your loss. Sammie sounds like such a sweetheart. I know right now you feel so alone in your grief, but as everyone previously has said - we really do know what you are going through. My 7 year old doberman, my sweet baby boy "Austin" died on April 17th. He had a heart attack while playing ball one night with my husband. Austin loved everyone, but I was his person. we snuggled on the bed every night after dinner and watched TV. He was my constant companion when i was in bed for weeks after my hysterectomy. I fell asleep every night petting him as yes, all 90 lbs of him slept between me and my husband. The shock of his death was horrible enough, but just like you, I was not home. I was not with him when he needed me the most. I was 2 hours away visiting my sister. When my husband had to call and tell me I completely lost it. My sister had to pull the phone from my hand and talk to him because I was hysterical. Even thoug it was almost midnight, my sister packed all my things in my car and drove me home. I got to the emergency hospital alittle after 3:00 in the morning to say goodbye to my baby. the next several weeks passed by in a blur of hysteria, no food, and Xanax prescribed by the doctor to calm me enough to sleep. Sleep was the only reprive I got from the grief. And I can't tell you how many times I said - even in many posts on here - that I hurt so bad I couldn't breathe. Now I know a heart really CAN break. This site was a godsend for me! At first all my friends and family were sympatheic to my grief, but as the days passed I got the impression people started wondering why I wasn't getting over it. Only people who have ever really loved a furkid knows the depth of the anguish we feel when they leave us. The people who come to this site know how we feel, because they've been there. The emotional support and sympathy I got after my first posting was so heart warming. As the days pass and my heart starts to lighten (which I honestyy never thought would happen) I am now finding strength and comfort and healing in being here and supporting people who are new here and their pain is so fresh I wish there was some way I could physically ease your pain or at least give you a hug. All I can really do is offer you emotional support from a distance. And keep you in my prayers. Please keep writing. Believe it or not, it does help to pour out all your feelings - even if it's only 1 line that's says you hurt or a full page tirade. This is the forum to get it all out. But most of all, cherish Sammie's memory and try to remember all the special times you had with her. My baby boy's ashes are in a beautiful wooden urn with a Dobe statue resting on top. The urn is on the firplace mantel in my bedroom and I talk to him every day. And almost 2 months later I still sleep with the stuffed bunny that Austin brought to bed every night. Each of us has to do what is best for us to get through our grief. Write soon. Wishing you peace and comfort.

Carol

Dear Melanie
I am right where you are now, I too find it hard to breath, I didn't throw up but I'm not interested in food. We love our 4 legged companions and it just so SUX when they aren't there, when everything falls apart the first thing I do is to breath out and then in, out again & in again....it's really the only advice I can give right now....{{{HUGS}}}

Carol,

Thank you so much for sharing your pain with me. I couldn't get on the site last night because I wasn't even consolable, today I just hurt all over. I know exactly what you mean by people expecting you to be 'over' it by now. My God, Sammie has been gone 6 days, how can I be over it. Just yesterday here are some of the comments said to me....'Are you better now?', 'There will be another dog to love soon', 'Can you imagine if you would have lost a child how you would feel?'. They are all good people who said those things but they do NOT understand my pain. Everyone seems to be going about their normal activities and finding joy. I can't do that. I wish I could but I can't. I wish I had a blanket of Sammie's but she never slept on a blanket. I was her blanket. She slept on the couch with her head propped on a pillow. Or she slept on the floor right beside where I was. I even crawled around the floor this morning trying to smell her where she had laid. I think if my family saw me do that they would lock me up somewhere. I too am glad I found this sight and friends like you because to tell you the truth without it I don't think I could go on. May God continue to ease your pain and heal your heart, Carol. You are a very loving person.

Melanie

Petmum,

I am so sorry for you pain also. It is comforting to know that all the emotions we're feeling doesn't mean we needed to be locked up in a straight jacket. I actually had to tell myself outloud this morning to breath and concentrate on the road while driving. My doctor and friend presribed me Ambien to help me sleep. I just with there was a pill to make the pain stop too. I'm going to order her a headstone today. We buried her in the backyard and I am going to try to put stones around it tomorrow and make it nice for her. It will be hard but I want to do that for her. I will be praying for your heart too.

Melanie

So very sorry for your loss.

This is a great website. I wish I had found it last June when I lost my precious baby Lily so suddenly. I found it a few days before we lost Hunny this April 4th though. We had to put Hunny to sleep because she was losing her battle with cancer. That was the hardest decision I've ever had to do, and I hope I never have to do it again. But there were some people here who helped me through it. My babies left too soon, both were only eight when they flew to heaven.

It is extremely hard. And most people just don't understand how deep the pain is. How much it hurts to long for them each day. I cried in the shower when Lily died. I couldn't breathe either. At least with Hunny, we had time before she had to leave. But it all hurts so much. It will be a year June 24th since we lost Lily. I can't believe how the time has flown by. I pretty much cry for both of them every day, usually on the way to work and the way home. I always felt closest to them at home. I hated to go to work. I was angry with the world. My perspective on life has definitely changed. Work is just a pay cheque now. I need to be at home - close to my babies. I'm paranoid all the time, cos we're not sure what exactly happened with Lily. It looked like she was choking, but we couldn't do anything. So, now I'm terrified to give my other babies bones. But every day gets a little easier. It does, it just takes time. And there will always be times when the tears just start flowing. Something will trigger the tears. And you'll always miss them. But it makes me happy to know that my babies are together again, to know that they are both healthy and happy. I stare off into the distance and "see" them walking down the road or across the field. That makes me smile. They loved to go for walks. In heaven they get to do that whenever they want.

Give it time. Six days is nothing. Lily's been gone a year almost and I still bawl my eyes out for her. The hardest part is knowing that you can't hold them when you want to. I still haven't buried Hunny's ashes next to Lily yet. Somehow, I just can't seem to bring myself to do it.

But this is a great place to come. Just writing about what you're feeling helps. Sometimes, people don't reply, but so what, just writing about it helps.

So, please don't be too hard on yourself. Let the tears flow. I check this website every other day at work, and it always makes me cry. The people at work, must think I'm nuts sometimes. But whatever, I don't care. My Hunny and Lily meant the world to me.

And I can't wait to see them again one day. For now, I just need to believe that they are happy and healthy. And your precious baby is out of harms reach and healthy again. And yes, when she's not busy having fun, she's looking down on you.

Take care.

Patricia,

What a great idea about collecting some of Sammie's things. I went home at lunch and put one of her toys in all the rooms of my house. I am going to print a lot of pictures of her out of my computer tonight and put one in a frame to place in each room. I put her collar under my pillow so when I wake up crying I can at least hold it. I am also going to get a headstone for her grave but I have to figure out just what to put on it. I went to lunch with my husband and had to leave the restaurant b/c the tears started coming. It really hit unexpectedly. So many people around me (good people) just don't understand. They think I should be fine now, sad yes but certainly not still sobbing. I actually didn't cry this morning at all. I woke up and didn't feel anything. It was like I was a stepford wife just going thru the motions but I wasn't really there. Then on the way to work I started feeling guilty for not crying. I got to work and then lost it. It is hard for me not to have control of my emotions. I like to be able to have control and feel in charge and I'm not. It's been 6 days since she left me and things aren't any better. I know it will take time but right now it sure feels like it will be forever.

Thank you Patricia,
Melanie

Lynette,

Thank you so much for sharing your love for Hunny and Lily with me. In some respects it scares me to think that even a year from now I will still hurt. I know it will get better everyday but the true happiness I felt with my Sammie Girl will never be again. It is so difficult to imagine continuing my life without her. I know exactly what you mean about your job. I could care less about it. It is just a paycheck. I won't ever again let it affect me like it has in the past because it just isn't anything compared to the life I lost. One of the hardest things for me today is I don't know where to go or what to do. I don't feel right anywhere. My friends want me to come over but I don't want to. I don't want to be in my house or at my office either. I just have to face the fact that there is no place I can go that Sammie hasn't touched in my life because she was my whole world. That's the devastation as you know too well. I love the visual of seeing your Hunny and Lily running happily. I'm trying so hard to picture Sammie meeting new furry friends and running around everywhere but it's hard b/c I'm being so selfish right now wanting her here. It's Friday and I'm dreading the weekend. I would have spent the weekend playing with Sammie b/c all the kids will be at camp. It will be aweful. May God bless you Lynette and the love in your heart for your babies.

Melanie

melanie, hang in there. its only been six days. in some of my other posts, i recounted how ive lost pets so many many years ago and even now when i see photos, i burst out crying. they will be with us forever and ever and i always think that that little hole in my heart for every one of my fur babies can never ever be repaired. but we move forward and we force ourselves to breathe. yes i know what you mean. its almost like a slap in the face when after a few days people look at us like "what? youre not over it yet?" uh NO. if you lost a child, would you be over it in a week, in a month, in a year? whats strange is something you hit on as well, when you have a good day, you feel guilty about not crying. it made me feel so bad, like i didnt miss him already.
im glad you have some of sammies toys in every room. some days you will smile when you see them and some you will just sob. but thats alright. there will be a day when smiling will take over. yes oure right. it does feel like forever, like we will never get over it and in a morbid way, we dont want too. i think subconsciously we think that by not crying we will also forget our fred, our sammie. but that will never happen. i promise you that.
this weekend take care of yourself. it will be very difficult. i gotta tell you that ive read some of your reponses to other peoples posts and i think thats terrific. i promised my fred and riley that in their honor i would pay all the love that i got from this site, forward. that has been tremendous therapy for me. keep doing it and keep writing for yourself. and if you want to be alone, be alone, if you need to cry, cry. i promise you the days will get better.

take care. im praying for you!
patricia

Melanie.

You will make it through. It'll be tough, but you'll make it through. I know when we lost Hunny, (we let her go on a Saturday), my daughter and I took the Monday off and we stayed home and printed out photos of her. We went for a walk with our other dogs. We made it through, but then we had three months to kinda prepare for it. She got sick last summer, within a week of Lily dying, but had surgery and she was good until Christmas week when the tumour started growing again. And we knew that when it came back there would be nothing more we could do. I think I cried most of my tears for her before she left. Not in front of her, but everywhere else. But when I look back at the photos of her in those final weeks I can see that the spark had gone. Her mind was still good and she was getting around ok, but the tumour was wide open and the cancer had spread. So, I am sure the painkillers were hiding any pain she had. But the photos tell everything. I know she didn't want to leave, but at the same time I think she was ready to go be with Lily.

I know I'm rambling but it helps me to talk about things. Like I said Lily has been gone almost a year. Yeah, I still cry for her, but it is getting easier. I've lost dogs before, but for some reason losing these two was by far the hardest. Maybe it's cos they went so close together or maybe it was because these two were the first ones we ever had in the house (with the exception of one - all the others were outside dogs).

I found going for a walk by myself was a good thing. I took Hunny for a walk the morning of April 4th. Just the two of us. I followed her. I like to go that same way once in a while and just stand and "watch" her. She stood at the end of the road and just looked around for a few minutes. She looked so tired and weary, but at peace. She knew that she was going to be with Lily. This is hard to type without crying.

I have a photo of Lily on my desktop at work. I have both of them on a pet memorial website where I go a couple times a week to leave a little message for them. When Lily died I went there everyday for many many months. Now that Hunny is gone, I find it hard to go there. I'm not sure why.

Anyway, take you're time. Most people don't know what to say, because they have never had pets, but those who have, will usually understand. I found many people said that "they become a huge part of your family". And that's all they say, but sometimes that is enough, because I still can't talk about my babies without shedding a tear. Even though I like to talk about them, I don't particularly want to cry in front of these people.

Life sucks sometimes, especially when they go too young. Hunny and Lily were supposed to live to a ripe old age. I feel like I've let Lily down. She was a rescue and she was supposed to have been with us forever. But the day she died, was the day that Izzy was surrended by a puppy mill. We adopted Izzy 10 days later. So, sometimes, I like to think that Lily gave up her place with us so that another precious baby could have a chance at a good life. She was so unselfish. And Hunny, sent George to watch over Izzy, Barney and Casey. We now have a full house, 4 dogs!!!

But what is weird is that every once in a while I see Izzy just looking around, but high up around the walls. It's almost like she's looking at something. Makes me wonder if Hunny is here watching over them. Lily never knew any of these pups. Crazy eh? But kinda a nice thought I think. I think Hunny stayed as long as she did because of the pups. Hunny helped Izzy come out of her shell.

Anyway, I'm sorry, I'm just rambling on and on. There is nothing wrong in mourning the loss of someone you loved so much. Let the tears come. One day, you'll find you didn't cry as much as usual. Yeah I know - the guilt. Then the longing. But I've lost pets before, so it does get easier. Eventually. You never ever forget them. But hey, I don't care what people think of me. I lost a huge part of my heart with Hunny and Lily and for that I make no apologies. I loved them and I will always love them.

Take care. I'll be thinking of you.

Anyway, I have to go pick up George from the vets. We had him fixed today.

thinking of you sammie girl, and I'm still having to remind myself to breathe too

Melanie
I'm truly sorry about your loss of Sammie girl. Wishing you peace and comfort in these most distressing days.

I somehow made it through the first weekend without Sammie. Friday night when I got home from work was really painful knowing that she wasn't going to be there to hang out with all weekend. Sammie loved this house and all the yard she had to run in. She would follow me around the yard while I looked at my flowers and then she would find one of her balls in the yard and we would always end of playing fetch. None of those thing were ever going to happen again and it hit me hard. I sobbed for 3 hours and my poor husband didn't know what to do. Saturday, my friend (who was with her when she died) came to get me Saturday morning to run errands with her and then she came back to my house and helped me get stuff done that I hadn't been able to accomplish this week. She kept me busy which was the plan. It helped a bit. I ordered Sammie's headstone today and it will have a picture of her on it etched in marble. I bought a journal today and I'm writing letters to Sammie. I'm not sure if it is going to help but somehow it makes me feel closer to her. My friends are just trying to help I know but they are trying to talk me into getting another dog. It just makes me mad right now. I can't replace her. She was my greatest love of my life and I want her back not a different one. Does anyone think I should consider this? I honestly don't think I'm capable of thinking straight anymore. Just doing the laundry took every ounce of brain power. Nothing makes sense without Sammie. I love you so much Sammie Girl

for me sammie girl I wouldn't get another dog just yet.....I just couldn't.....I am so with you, I just want MY Buddy. The time isn't right for me & I wld hazard a guess that perhaps a few more buckets of tears are required before thinking of another dog for you too. I think we need to grieve a lot more before making such a big decision. One shld never make big decisions such as this under stress....and we know....this IS stressful......
my husband & kids went shopping on the week end & I had this crazy notion that they might get a little puppy & I found myself getting angry just thinking bout it. they didn't thank goodness...... I know your friends are just trying to help as do you, you gotta let 'em know u cant even think such a thing just yet.....it's just all to damned hard if u ask me.......
{{{HUGS}}}
You are in my thoughts.

Morning.

Everyone is different when it comes to getting another baby. You know in your heart that it will never replace the precious baby that you just lost. A new pup will bring another type of joy. I know it hurts right now, but for me, having another one around the house has helped. You will never forget. Never. But you get busy with loving the new family member and time flies by.

Maybe remember though that the rest of your family is mourning too. In a different way than you, but maybe they need another to love. Each person handles death differently. I took it extremely hard when I lost my two babies, but my husband and daughter handle it very differently. I know they miss them very much, but they don't dwell on it like I do. We have added four new dogs since we lost Lily last June. I love all of them.

When you're ready you'll let another into your heart. I know it hurts so much when they leave us, but I don't think I could ever not have a dog in my life. The love that they give is worth so much to me. I think my life would be so empty without them. If you went to look at pups, I think you'd be surprised just how much your heart would melt.

There's no hurry, so just take it day by day. When you're ready, you'll know. Four months after losing Lily, I found myself longing for another companion. That's when we got Barney. And he is the love of my life now. And so are my other pups.

Take care.

ive told my story many times so forgive me if you have already read this somewhere else. when fred my sweet little kitty died about 3 months ago, i was as shattered as you are now. all the emotions you are going thru i went thru as well. i wasnt suicidal but i thought if something happened to me i wouldnt fight it. i just wanted to be reunited with my babies again. i too didnt know how to get out of this hole and i didnt know if i wanted to or not. a week later my friend, not knowing that fred had died, approached me about a little puppy that had had a rough start in life and needed a forever home. in a minute i had such thoughts as "how dare you?" "how could you ask me such a thing? i cant replace fred so quickly. he would never know how much i loved him if i did that" but i listened to her anyways. in the past, when ive lost my pet, i have waited quite a long time before i can even consider getting another one. and i remember after fred died, i thought "thats it! no more! this is just too painful!" but i realize now that whats even more painful are the wonderful animals that we lose every day because they couldnt find a good home. but i digress. she showed me a pix of (now) lucy but only a headshot and she begged me to consider it because this could be her last chance. she could be returned to the shelter. somewhere in the back of my mind i began to think that possibly fred had something to do with this. he never liked it when his momma was upset or sad. the next day i called up my friend and accepted the challenge. but the wall was already up. i would not love this new dog. i would just give it a new home. thats it! the day after they brought lucy over. ive never seen a dog like her before. she is blond with frosted tips. yes frosted tips. her legs are about 10 inches tall and she was so skinny i could see her ribs. she had a mane of hair around her little face that made her look like a chrysanthemum and she was a wiggley one. quite frankly i thought i made a mistake. the foster family left me alone with her and i just sat in my apt and cried and cried. i called my friends to come get her. i didnt want her! i wanted my fred back. the entire day, i wouldnt touch her, talk to her and she retreated to a corner of the room and i in another. my tears dried up when i left her alone and went out. the further away i was from her the better. i was missing my fred so much it hurt! i returned about an hour later and things hadnt changed. i threw her a bone so she wouldnt bother me and continued to cry and wonder why on earth i had taken this dog. my friends kept calling to see if iwas ok and (this was the moment for me. it was about 8pm - lucy had arrived at 11am) and i told them no and to please come and get her and take her away. this truly was the grief talking because i dont believe in taking in an animal and giving it back. once i commit, i commit. but i didnt care. and as im telling my friends that i dont like this dog, lucy looked at me from her little corner and with her eyes, bgged me not to give her away again. my heart melted at that very moment and the wall came down. it was that moment when i realized that lucy would never replace fred. fred had a huge chunk of my heart already and that wouldnt change. but there was enough to go around. lucy is my best little friend now. i would rather spend time with her than with anyone else.

i never woudl have thought i would ever say this but lucy saved my life. she gave me back my life and like ive mentioned to others, i miss my fred every day. theres not one day that i dont think about him or miss him terribly. i cry all the time because i want to see his beautiful little face greet me at night, after all its only been three months now. but lucy helped to heal my broken heart. because of her, i laugh more and i smile. i tell her how much i love her every day because we all know how quickly they can be taken from us. i feel like the luckiest person on earth that my sweet lucy found me. (thank you my dear fred).

i agree with lynette, everyone is different when it comes to getting another baby. i was always of the kind to wait months and months and months. in the case of my two kitties, i waited years before getting them because i was so heartbroken over the loss of my dogs. my advice? have an open mind. 3 months ago, i never thought that my life would be where it is today. if it wasnt for my lucy, i would be in the midst of serious depression. please dont misunderstand. im not saying to go out today and get another one. but maybe just start (baby steps) by considering one. you will know when you are ready. one day at time. you will feel it in your heart. sammie cant ever be replaced.

take care! im praying for you!
patricia

Yes, unfortunately, they leave us much too soon, and take a huge chunk of our hearts with them. But I believe they understand that we have room in our hearts for others. I hate the endings, but the years in between I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. My dogs become my best friends. Hunny had the opportunity to get to know three of our dogs and my husband believes she sent the fourth. Hunny loved all of them. And Lily would have too if she'd had the chance. Dogs are pack animals, they understand that human hearts are big enough to love more. I wish they could all stay forever. I really do, cos I miss Hunny and Lily so much.

And I too, think that there are just too many precious animals out there who are looking for a new home, for someone to love them. Three of my dogs were given up. What does that say? Yes, I lost my two angels, but I have the chance to provide love and a good home to three more who so desperately need it. Izzy, a 4-year-old beagle was surrended by a puppy mill. It's almost a year since we got her and it's taken a long time to gain her trust as much as we have. She's come a long way. She had no idea what love or affection was, how to give or receive, but she loves it now. And sometimes, I think Lily gave up her place here so that Izzy could have a chance, because Lily died June 24 and Izzy was surrended that very same day. (Lily was also a rescue back in 2001). Casey, a 6 month old beagle/cavalier, was given up because of allergies. She is the sweetest little thing ever. Just so loving and so friendly. And George, the one that Hunny sent to protect Barney, Izzy and Casey. He was dumped in the town where I work. We looked for a month and no one phoned for him. How can people be so cruel? How can you not love these animals? My heart aches so much for the ones I've lost, but these little bundles of joy always bring a smile to my face. I love each and every one of them.

Just take your time. Don't rush into anything.

hi Melanie
hope its going a bit better,i know what you mean about the first week ,its so very hard,so much pain about it all,the first few days after my jeannie passed away i still couldn't believe it ,she would always wait for me to get up, and walk with me to the kitchen so i could get my coffe.one of the many routines we had.That first week when i woke up and just see the empty spot where she used to sit was just awful, i still cant seem to get over that, im still so sad over it,i also know what you mean about some people thinking you should get over it soon .they just don't understand the love and the bond that a person has with there pets,i got the same reaction from some people i know as well and they mean well like you said and are good people.But some dont understand at all like a person at my job just told me get another cat that looks like jeannie and that could be like the new her and ,dont keep thinking about it so much.Are you for real i was like..they just dont know and understand how you feel,thank goodness for a place like this where people DO undersatnd,Im not sure if you read my other post about how it all seems so different now when they leave us and that numb feeling you have after ,and just going trough the days almost like unconscious that's how i feel now ,About getting a new pet i was thinking also ,but it depends how you feel and if at this time you are ready for that,i don't feel i could do that now i will probably wait a bit longer.sort of at a stand still on it.i would say if you feel you are ready for a new pet then try it and see how it goes,if not then take your time on it ,Take care and be well THANKS JAY

Patricia, You have such an amazing heart. Your babies are truly blessed. I love the name Lucy by the way. It just sounds like a happy soul and one with joy and energy. I might consider that for a name down the road I like it so much. I have actually been thinking today that my life doesn't seem right without a dog to love. I cannot believe or put into words how much joy Sammie brought me every second. I am not the geru of patience either but I never once lost patience with her or was mad at her for anything. I never had to discipline her much. All I had to do was change the tone of my voice and she knew she was doing something she shouldn't. If only my kids were like that :lol: Thank you for sharing your story with me. You hit he nail on the head. I really haven't thought about suicide but with having cancer twice in the past I sure wasn't going to fight it if it came back this time. I wanted to be with Sammie. I'm working really hard on thinking about how sad she would be if she could see me now and feel my pain and see me cry. It would have broke her sweet little heart. She was so in tune with me. She loved loved loved the kids and my husband but she was in sync with me. She was determined every day to make me happy and she did just that. My husband and I talked about getting another dog when she was alive and we didn't because we had 3 cats. (I've since had to euthanize one). There is a part of me that feels like I should have done it while Sammie was alive so she would have had a friend to play with. We honestly didn't get another one because she was so special and she got 1000% of my attention and the kids that we didn't want to take anything away from her. Things just worked so perfectly. She went everywhere with us. My daughter's soccer team is sad b/c Sammie was our unofficial mascot. I would take her to the tournaments and put one of my daughter's extra jerseys on her and march her around when we would score a goal. It was so funny and Sammie loved all the attention from the girls and their parents too. I know all animals are different and special in their own ways but I do worry that the next dog won't be as wonderful and amazing as her. Although, I think to some degree you feel that way about your first child. And then the next one comes along and they are different and you love them too. You just might like one more than the other sometimes. :) I'm reading a book that I think Jess mentioned she read and it gave her some peace. It's called "All Pets Go to Heaven". I just started it today at lunch so I'll let you know if it gives me some comfort. You and the others on here have truly made the first week bearable. I can't thank you enough for your messages and your willingness to share. You are a blessing to me and many others. Thank you. You are in my thoughts and squeeze Lucy for me. Melanie

Jay,

Yes, I think numb pretty much describes me today too. I still cry but not as often. I still feel pain in my heart, literally and I still hate going through my routine with out my Sammie girl. We are just going through the motions because we have to. I'm trying to keep busy but I'm not getting too much accomplished. I seem to be able to do only things that I don't have to concentrate on for long periods of time. I hate that feeling the second I wake up in the morning and realize she's not on the bed with me or staring nose to nose at me. I have to drag myself to the shower and that's usually where the tears hit the hardest. My other devastation comes into play the second I pull my car into the garage. Sammie knew my car and she was ALWAYS at the door waiting to roll over and have me rub her furry little belly while her legs flailed about and she would talk to me. The quiet sucks. Finally when I was done keeping myself busy last night and sat down it hit me hard. She's not here to cuddle with as we wind down the day. I know she's not there so why does it feel like some panic attack realizing she isn't. I'm working on printing out all the pictures I've taken of her over the past 3 1/2 years. Some would say not to do that yet but it makes me feel closer to her somehow. I'm going to put them in a photography book my friend (who is a professional photographer) is helping me make. Jay, one thing I'm also doing which I know will sound silly but whatever helps. I'm writing a letter to her in my journal everyday. I just tell her what's on my heart and what my feelings are and what I did that day. I cry everytime I write in it but it's something I need to do. You are in my thoughts and prayers that each minute brings you a little more comfort and less loneliness.
Melanie

Hey Melanie. I just posted a response to you on the other forum about the book. I hope you are finding it helpful.

~Jess

dear melanie. thank you so much for the lovely compliment. but i have to say everyone here has an amazing heart, including yourself (yes its true! you are very special and sammie knows that). i am truly blessed and grateful to be a part of such a special community; one who love our furbabies so deeply and one who respects all life. we are all her to get you thru this most difficult time. the same way everyone rallied around me when i didnt know what was happening to me. i am so glad to hear the steps you are taking. no it doesnt immediately take the grief away but it slowly chips away at it. you are doing wonderful things and we appreciate you sharing them with us. you have no idea how much it helps me as well. i had never thought about writing letters. that just touches my heart and i want to do the same thing for my little fred.

indeed, sammie was very special. loved by all especially her mommy. you know you are right when you say sammie would not want to see you so sad. it breaks her heart. and more importantly she would want you to fight with all your might if your health was not what it should be. something i havent mentioned is that although i do not fight cancer, i have an illness that i have to live with everyday. at first the docs thought it might be cancer and i was ready for it, well as ready as i could ever be. i am very fortunate that it wasnt cancer, but i still battle my disease everyday. but what got me thru the horrible surgeries, the sadness were my kitties. i was in bed for over two weeks and they never left my side. when they knew momma was crying they would huddle close to me curl up and put their little heads on me. how can we not love our wonderful babies for their unconditional love. these 10 lbs furry creatures were of extreme support to me. i know how much sammie meant to you. i wish i was there to give you a big big hug. sammie wants you to be ok. she knows that you will never ever be over her and thats ok but she wants to see your beautiful smile again. i choose to believe that there is a place where they all go and where pain no longer exists and where they smile all day. i believe they become our angels and they look after us. and if ts true or not, thats what i choose to believe. somewhere, underneath a giant tree with lots of shade sammie is laying down, taking a little breather. not too far away, fred and riley are resting too. they love the warmth of the sun. fred saunters back and forth between sammie and riley. fred didnt know how cool dogs were and now he does.
one day melanie, you will be ready for another and theres no need to worry or be afraid that you will love him less or anything of the sort, becuase you have a beautiful heart and like you said, it will be different but you will realize how much love you have to offer another sweet furbaby that needs you. im so glad there are people like you.
please do let me know what you thought of the book. and thank you for thinking of me! i will most certainly give lucy a giant bear hug from you. in fact i will give her two

i continue to pray for you, for your health and for more strength to get you thru these sad times.
patricia

ps: the name lucy fits my dog so well because she is always getting into trouble. just last nite, she ran away. dont worry, she came back but only after ii chased her down two blocks and was completely out of breathe. she ran back to me at full speed and her little 13 lb body knocked me over. she was laughing all the way back. i was so happy to have her back i couldnt scold her. she truly is a gift from heaven. i hope that one day, when you are ready, you too will have a lucy

Last night was a really emotional night. I had a decent day at work yesterday, no tears. I just feel fatigued and numb most of the time. I always cry driving up my lane because I know Sammie will not be there to greet me and as you all know that is so painful. I stopped to get the mail and there was a card from the vet hospital that she died at. They had cut some of her fur off which showed both the black and white in her fur, tied a little bow around it and attached it to a card about the rainbow bridge. They also put red paint on one of her paws and put a paw print on the card. Both vets signed it and wrote a little note but there was also a letter written by the vet tech. She said she had been doing this for many years and never felt so compelled to write a pet owner. She wanted me to know that Sammie was NEVER alone. My friend, who was watching her while I was gone, came to visit, my own vet and vet assistant came and this lady all stayed with her. This lady's name is Barb and she told me that everyone there was just drawn to Sammie and the special auro and look in her sweet eyes. Both vets and the techs stayed all night the night she was so ill b/c they didn't want to leave her. They took turns laying in her cage and petting her head and ears. God this is so hard. I wish it had been me who was there but to know that strangers could love her enough to do that in her last hours gives me comfort. She had that affect on every single person she came in contact with. The UPS drive got teary-eyed yesterday when he learned she was gone. My clients who often petted her in my office are crying. She was so special and such an amazing spirit of love and gentleness.


I read the book, "All Pets Go to Heaven" and I wanted to make a few comments. I didn't like the first 50 pages of the book at all. It is a complete historical account of how animals were viewed, used, worshipped etc. in history. That's not why I was reading the book. It was a little interesting but not what I was looking for. Having said that the rest of the book was good. I agree with a lot of what the author (a world renown psychic) says and some things I just don't know. But the one thing that I loved is that our beloved pets can visit this plane (Earth) after they've crossed over. We might see a vision of them, get a whiff of their scent, feel a change of air, see other pets act differently and many other things. The author says our pets can come back to check on us and let us know they are happy and will be waiting for us to greet us when it is our time. She says that pets ALWAYS go to Heaven b/c God made them so pure and filled with unconditional love that they don't need to be on this Earth as long as we do to learn lessons and learn to be more loving. He welcomes them home and other loved ones who went before them, pets or humans, will be there to greet our pets. Even if our former pets or humans didn't know them on Earth they will know them in Heaven. I love that idea so much. I love thinking of Sammie loving all over my mom and my mom taking care of her until I get there someday. She talks about animals having psychic abilities (a 6th sense). Animals can sense danger, sniff out diseases, warn their masters of trouble and protect us in times of distress. The stories she tells about things like this are amazing and wonderful. What I am taking from this book is this....Sammie can see me and check on me and it would break her heart to see me sobbing and having trouble coping like I am. Just like when our children suffer we suffer watching them. Our pets don't want to see us sad or hurt. They understand that our tears are a way of healing our pain and it's o.k. but they want us to be happy just like they did when they were here. So to honor Sammie I am going to focus on that as best I can. I'm going to stop feeling guilty if I have a good few moments or hours. She wants me to be happy and I love her and I will try to do this for her. I don't think I can do it for myself but for her I will do anything.

I took several pictures of her, a copy of the rainbow bridge poem, the piece of her fur and pawprint and her "birth certificate" my friend had made for her to a framer today and they are going to make me a shadow box that I will display right above my desk at work. I'm still going to write her letters and visit her tombstone. I put roses on it at lunch today and I will still cry a whole lot but I am going to try to work on her seeing me smile again. Read the book... I think it might give you all a sense of peace and knowing your loved ones are happy.

oh melanie what a wonderful thing your vet did for you. i can feel the love from them all the way across the world. i truly hope this helps dull the pain. it will only be by the slightest cosmic shift but just knowing others care about what happened to you whilst you weren't there is a testament to the sacredness of our fur companions. they really a gift from above are they not?
thankyou for sharing.
elaine

i echo elaines sentiment. how wonderful to know that sammie affected so many people. it must bring you so much peace. when my fred died i too remember all the techs and doctors rallying around him. even people that i didnt even work there would come and give him hugs and pet him and give him kisses. i will forever be grateful to them for all the love they showed him before he passed away.
melanie, im so glad you have answers to your questions. and i thank you for sharing them with us. ive always been afraid of reading those kind of books lest they tell me that all i believe is not true. sammie is with you always and forever and im so glad hes with your mom. theyre taking care of each other now. love that!

well i am a big sobbing mess right now but please continue to share your wonderful insights with us. you have no idea how happy i am knowing that my little ones truly are in a special place.

thank you!!!!
patricia

Sammie has been gone for 19 days. I was doing pretty well for the past 4 days until last night. A huge wave of emotions flooded over me and I sat by her grave for an hour and sobbed. Today, I feel exhausted and don't seem to care about much of anything. I'm at work not caring a thing about what I'm supposed to be doing. I took a drive at lunch to clear my head but it didn't really help. I'm so sad today. I miss her so much. Her pictures are all over my office and I just keep looking at her big brown eyes. My husband and kids are really aggrevating me too. It's been almost 3 weeks why am I still acting like this. They just don't want to think about it. I know they loved her and miss her but they don't dwell on it and it isn't the first or last thought of every day for them. My husband and kids want to get two very adorable puppies and I think we probably will in July but that just makes my heart hurt b/c I don't want to be thinking about new puppies I want mine back. I hate the rollercoaster of emotions. I just want to go home and take a nap and not think about it. Overwhelming grief today. I hope tomorrow will be a better day.

It hurts so much doesn't it? It will get better, you won't cry as often, and the waves of emotion won't last as long.

One year ago today I lost my precious Lily. I cried this morning and I still feel like crying, but mostly I just feel overwhelmingly sad. I just want to go home and be alone. Hopefully tomorrow will be better for all of us.

Take care.

dear melanie, im so very sorry you are having a rough day. you have to give yourself a break. 19 days is still very fresh. it feels like a neverending rollercoaster of emotions. one minute youre dried eyed and the next questioning what is wrong with me because you cant stop crying. i think i can speak for everyone here when i say we all have gone thru this. you have to allow yourself to grieve as much and as long as you need to. its always a memory, a ritual something that triggers the sadness. sammie hasnt been gone that long. dont expect yourself to get over it so quickly. it might help your family understand and you heal a little if perhaps maybe one night you can all tell one happy memory of sammie. i bet you would all end up with smiles and maybe you would not feel so alone. i think thats one of the hardest things ever is when the closest people around you (without intending to be hurtful), just do not understand. i know it has made me feel alone, isolated and just know not knowing where to turn.
tomorrow will be better, even just a little, and keep writing, even when you dont feel like it. its very healing. like ive mentioned before, this place is what got me thru the worst days of my life. remember, ive told you that i just didnt care or know how i was ever going to make it? well im still here moving forward and so will you. be especially kind to yourself and please give yourself a big hug from me and remember that sammie is with you forever and ever.

patricia

oh melanie i wish i cld give you a hug, i know i need one {{{{{HUGS}}}}, I am with you in your pain, I am there too today, hard to type thru tears isn't it........

Patricia,
Thank you so much!! I like that idea of having all of us talk about funny things about Sammie. Yes, I am going to do that tomorrow at dinnertime. I know each day I do get stronger it's just the uncontrollable surge in emotions. Often times two very different extremes of emotions which makes it hard to understand and deal with. I found some of her toys today. I think that's what started the surge of tears. My housekeeper had put them somewhere other than where we normally keep them and I wasn't expecting that. I know this kind of thing will happen for awhile. I wish it wouldn't but I know it will. I have been doing a good job of journaling. I write Sammie a letter each evening and vent to her and talk to her just like when I would come home from work. It does help a lot. I think trying to write other people on here has also given me a lot of comfort. I'm going to try to write a memorial for her on here next and attach a picture. I really appreciate you and all your comforting posts. No words to tell you how much they help. God Bless.
Melanie

Elaine,
Here is a hug back for you!!! Stay strong and maybe we can get through this together. I am saying a prayer that tomorrow is a better, brighter day than today.
Melanie

thank you melanie for the prayer I know they help, i will say one for you too.

and dont for a second think that sammie isnt "reading" everything you are writing well, i think the big man upstairs is reading it aloud to her. im glad youre going to create a little memorial. it will be so healing and i for one would love to see your beautiful sammie. shes happy melanie. shes doing great and so are you.

big hug
patricia

Melanie,

Well...that brought back some tears -- Your initial post was tough to read because that was like a description of me when my Penny passed away. For me I had taken her to the vet and left her for the night with the notion that she'd be fine and I got a call in the morning that she was gone. Not only did I feel the pain of her loss, but guilt for leaving her and not being there for her when she most needed me...and so even though your situation is a bit different, I definitely get it. Going out of my mind is the best way to describe how I handled Penny's passing. I'm a pretty emotionally stable person (I'm actually a counselor:) but after Penny passed, I didn't know how I could continue to wake up in the morning. I remember opening my cupboard because I was starving, but couldn't bring myself to actually pull anything out, more or less eat it. I laid in bed the first day and just wailed (I guess I could do that because I was alone in my house), I couldn't breath, it took so much energy just to walk down the hallway...and the list goes on. It was tough going to work...having to actually get in my car and go somewhere. But there was this one evening about 2 days after she passed where I just stood in the shower and I couldn't catch my breath and I just looked up and said "Penny...I need you right now, I need you to come cuddle with me tonight" and suddenly I felt a huge rush of air escape me and I felt at complete peace and actually slept that evening. And as time moved on, I slowly started to see life from a new perspective. I think it was Penny's perspective. Our pets know we loved them with our whole being, that we cared for them, that we would do anything for them. One thing my husband said that was such a comfort (he happened to be away at the time of her passing) was that Penny was a happy, playful, loving, goofy dog who was loved beyond belief...we gave her the best life we could and she was happy. When I'd cry, she'd come and lick my tears...she lived in the moment, and would do anything for a tasty treat and loved chasing birds. She just loved "being". And she taught me that and I don't think I really saw the beauty of life until she showed me through her passing. I wish she could have found a better way to show me:) but I know she was and continues to be with me to guide me through it all. Some people thought I was crazy for putting so much "stock" in a little dog, but I have always felt my pets had a better understanding of life than I ever could, and are my everyday teachers.

Sammie, Penny, and all of our pets that have moved on without us want us to see life as they did, and although it hurts beyond explanation, it will get better. I remember when people used to tell me that on LS I'd think "there is just no way that's true...how will this ever get better"....but it does. One thing I realized is that I had to stop thinking I was crazy...if I wanted to cry, scream, go numb, sleep the day away, not talk for a bit...whatever it was, I just allowed myself to do it (within reason of course:). And I was tired of people telling me it was ok or not to be sad...so I just decided to allow myself to be angry, sad, mad, confused....whatever. There is no abnormal reaction...actually these are normal reactions to an abnormal situation. It's ok to not feel yourself...and it's ok to allow yourself to do that. But in the end, Sammie knows she was your little girl, and she'll always know that. Don't feel crazy to ask her to help you through this...she's most likely helped you through other tough times in your life by being there...I'm sure she wants to be there for you through this too. Keep talking to her. I talked to Penny and journaled to her sometimes several times a day. I still do...she's my little girly girl forever. Nothing will ever change that.

I trust that Sammie and Penny have met and are running through the fields, chasing birds, licking popsicle sticks, and are lying in the sun. My thoughts are with you and Miss Sammie -- LS helped me so much and I hope that we can be a support.
(p.s. I apologize for my long-windedness...sometimes it starts coming out and I can't stop it:)

Peace,
Shannon

Melanie...I just wrote...but saw your post about all pets go to heaven. I read "Cold Noses at the Pearly Gates" which actually ties biblical passages to the belief that our pets go to heaven. Like your book, there were parts I didn't like as much and just skipped them...but it was a comfort. Just wanted you to know I honestly believe that our pets can come to the earthly plane. There are moments that have been difficult where I have heard her, or swear that she ran through the kitchen. Some people say those are just our emotions creating dillusions, but I disagree...and my husband has always said that he believed Penny knew so much more than we do about life and the world beyond. I feel Penny all around me quite often. I don't dream of her often, but there are moments I know she's there. Also, her brother Jax was her bestest bud, but they were completely different personalities (she loved toys, he really could care less; she would lick your face really hard, him really soft and gentle, etc) but there are times I know she's with him. She had this little duck toy she loved to throw around. Jax pretty much doesn't care at all about toys, but we have a huge tub of them cuz Penny loved them. There are are times he'll go flying through the house, jump up on me and drop that duck on me. He'll dig through that tub of toys and find it. There was also a night I was having a particularly hard night and slept with Penny's urn under my arm. Jax was dead asleep in his blankies and suddenly he unwrapped himself, crawled up by my head and laid down with just his head under the blanket with his nose resting on the urn. There are also moments when he'll come kiss me really hard and go crazy, and I just know it's her for moment. There are many other stories like that..but that's why I say don't feel crazy if you really feel Sammie with you. And don't be afraid to ask her for a visit if you really need her presence.

I also did the shadow box (it's in our living room), and also I've been working on a scrapbook....It definitely helps and she deserves any tribute I can give her. At least now I can look at those pictures and giggle and how goofy she's being rather than cry, and that feels so good.

Shannon

Shannon,
Thank you so much for writing to me. I loved your stories of Penny visiting you. I have never had one of those moments and I pray everyday for one of them. Every single thing you said is right on the money. I'm going to go get that book you mentioned tonight. It's been 23 days since Sammie died but 30 days since I've seen or held her and it feels like an eternity. I miss her so badly. I can get through the day, function and smile again but I still cry at some point everyday. It isn't uncontrollable sobbing anymore just a few tears and intense pain in my heart. We are getting two new Sheltie puppies that will be 7 weeks old on Friday. They are sisters. Part of me is ready to have another dog or in this case two and part of me is scared but my kids convinced me and I'm getting more and more excited. I put all of Sammie's hundreds of pictures in an album last night and just cried, laughed, sighed, cried, giggled and cried some more. It was very emotional but I'm glad I did it. It sounds like your other furkids will keep you busy. I have two cats and love them but they are cats and are very independent. They aren't my Sammie girl and while I'm so glad they are there it is also hard sometimes too. I can't thank you enough for writing and hope to hear more from you.
Melanie

how are you doing today?

It has been 31 days today that Sammie passed away. Sometimes it seems like an eternity and sometimes it seems like yesterday. I miss her everday and think about her all the time. I can now talk about her and laugh and the tears are there but not so extreme. BUT, I have great news to share!!! I adopted two 7 week old Shelties on Friday, both girls. Their names are Sadie and Sofie. I was nervous about getting another dog and especially in this case two. I didn't know if I would be able to bond with them. Would I feel guilty and somehow disloyal to Sammie? What if they didn't love me back like Sammie did etc... and many other thoughts. Let me tell you all something... those little girls have brought the joy back into my home. My kids can't stop smiling. My husband can't wait to leave work today because he misses them. We all sit around the floor and play with them and laugh. Yes, I am laughing again. I would never have believed that could happen a few weeks ago. I don't feel guilty because my Sammie girl loved me and wanted me to be happy and she is glad we have dogs in our house to love again. Sadie is more of a pistol than Sofie. Just yesterday Sadie got up for no reason and went into the kitchen, stopped and just started playing like she was pawing at something and chasing it. I watched her and watched her and then it dawned on me, Sammie was there. I know it, I know it!!!! She was playing with her and letting her know that she was going to love it here and that she would watch over all of us. I jumped up and down and yelled I love you Sammie, I love you. My family just looked at me and thought I had lost it 'again'. Then I told them what happened and they kind of believe me but who cares, I know it was her. I have prayed many many times for loved ones who have passed to come back and give me a sign and it's never happened. But it did this time. I felt so happy. I took the puppies out to her grave and told them they had big shoes to fill. Both puppies just laid down on the grave and were comfortable and content. It was a cool thing to see. I can't wait to go home again. I think that was one of the many things I really missed and struggled with, coming home and no one to greet me. The whole scheme of my house is 'right' again. It is the most amazing thing. Would I trade the puppies in to have Sammie back. Of course in a milisecond but I can't. So, I'm letting myself love them and it feels wonderful. I hope to be able to post pics if I can get it to work soon. My best to all.
Melanie

I was so glad to read your post Melanie and hear how much joy the new puppies are bringing to your household and family. It's quite amazing how your heart so easily opens up again, isn't it? I love my new little one, but I am having a bit of relapse with my grief. I miss Sydney so, so much and nothing is going to change that. I'm back to "feeling" her absence again, which is accompanied by this unbearable sense of longing. I guess this is how it's going to go - this up and down roller-coaster. It's exhausting.

I'm glad that Sammie came to visit. It's always such a comfort to me when I know that Sydney has been around. Looking forward to seeing pictures of your new additions!

~Jess

yeah melanie!!!!! im so happy for you and your family. your update brought tears to my eyes. it was so lovely to read. sammie was behind all of this and i believe that she was right there with the new pups and with you. she was certainly telling you something wasnt she...i think thats why im so in love with my little lucy, because although i can be the depths of dispair remembering my little fred, she can come right up to me and bring the biggest smile to my face. all tears dry up and i realize what a blessing and what a love my lucy is to me. this weekend, i took my little one to the dog park. wanted her to have some fun before the fireworks began but i guess she could already hear them (when we could not) and she didnt have such a good night. she shook like a leaf and clung to me and her gramma. boy, i didnt think i could love her more but when i realized how much she loved us and how much she needed us, well it was overwhelming. even last nite, i took her again to the dog park, to make up for her not having any fun on saturday and she had a blast but (and shes never done this before) every once in a while she would jump on me and let me hold her as if to say i need a break mom, will you please hold me. shes such a little independent one that it truly touched my heart. it was the first time in about four months that i really felt like her momma. anyways, enough of me. my point is that i realize that although we would love for our furbabies to be with us forever, i also know that if they did, others wouldnt have the chance to have a wonderful loving home. when i think of how many animals in the world that arent as lucky as lucy and sofie and sadie, it breaks my heart. sofie and sadie are such lucky little girls, it thrills me beyond words that the smiles in your household are over abundant sammie is smiling too.

cant cant wait to see pix.

god bless all of you!
patricia

thats great Melanie that you got the new puppys, and i feel that can help heal a lot of the pain ,you will be a great mom to them and im sure your so happy to have another pet to love and take care of,sammie will be watching over you now and the new pups,now it sorta makes comming home a bit more bearable and not so filled with so much of all that grief ,i hope it goes well and and i hope your feeling better now and remembering the good times with sammie and now able to smile when thinking about her,and know shes watching over you now and you will always have a special place for her that will never go away ,take care and be well