Hello. I didn't know this board existed until I found it a few days ago while trying to seek support after my cat died a week ago today. I have had many cats and dogs over the years to pass away, and I have dearly missed them all, but losing Tonks has been worse than all the others. He was only 2 years old and healthy until 4 or 5 days before he died of cytauxzoonosis, also known as bobcat fever.

On Monday night, Tonks didn't eat his supper which is very unlike him. He was an inside/outside cat and would stay in the bathroom sometimes at night but would paw at the door in the early morning hours, wanting to go out. He didn't want out on Tuesday morning, and I thought this was odd. He had thrown up a huge hairball in the night, so I thought he had an upset stomach or some type of stomach virus. His only symptoms were lack of appetite and lethargy. He was still drinking water. I thought that I would just wait until the next day and see if he would start eating before I took him to the vet. That was my first mistake--waiting. On Wednesday, he was no better, and I noticed that his ears were very warm, as was his head, and I suspected he had a fever. He still wouldn't eat and did not want to move at all. My regular vet was out that day, so I took him to another vet that I also go to that afternoon, but his receptionist told me he had gone out of state, so I decided to wait until the next morning to take Tonks to my regular vet. The vet did not get to the clinic until about 9:30 on Thursday, and I waited over an hour before he could see Tonks. He told me that he was pretty sure Tonks had Cytauxzoonosis, an illness I had never heard of. It is transmitted by a tick that has fallen off of a bobcat or by the offspring of a tick that has fallen off a bobcat and then bites the cat, and it is almost always fatal, about 95% at least. The vet told me that he had had two cats to live of all the cats he had diagnosed with the infection. Tonks loved to go in the fields around the house and down to the creek. I treated him with Frontline Plus, so he rarely got any ticks on him, but I had pulled two ticks off of him about a week prior to him getting sick. I live in rural Tennesse, and ticks are very bad here, but they are worse than usual this year. The vet thought that Tonks had a chance, although a slim one, and wanted to keep him to give him an IV and antibiotics, so I let him keep him. I couldn't believe what had happened. I thought that he would tell me he just had some type of virus, give him antibiotics, and he would recover. I refused to believe that he wouldn't make it. I visited Tonks that afternoon, and he was no better. Later that day, my sister told me of an herb that she had read about over the internet when searching for information about Cytauxzoonosis called Monolaurin. My husband found it at an herbal store. I called the vet at home and told him we had found the herb, and he told us to leave it outside the door at the clinic and he would go that night and administer it to Tonks, which he did. The next morning, Friday, I visited Tonks. He was a little worse. Later in the day, I talked to the vet on the phone, and he told me of two more herbs that the lady whose cat had survived had given to her cat. My husband went searching for these herbs. I visited Tonks that afternoon. He was so sick, did not want to move at all, and when I picked him up to hold him, he meowed as if he were in pain. I don't even know if he realized who I was, he felt so bad. I wanted to take him home that night and bring him back the next morning to the clinic, but the vet didn't want me to do this. He said that he wasn't going to be in the clinic the next day, Saturday, and that he would do his treatments early that morning at 5 or 6 o'clock. So I left Tonks at the clinic. After searching all afternoon, my husband finally found the herbs in a little herb store in Kentucky. I called the vet and told him. He told me to leave the medicine outside the clinic door and he would administer it to Tonks that night. I told him I wanted to see Tonks the next day, and he told me he would call me when he would go to the clinic to do his treatments at 4 or 5 in the afternoon. I waited all day on Saturday for the call and finally called the vet at home at a little after 5 p.m. He told me that Tonks had already passed away when he got to the clinic that morning at 5. I don't know why he didn't call me then so that I could come and get him. He never offered an explanation for this, and I was too distraught to push it. I didn't get to pick up Tonks until Sunday morning, more than 24 hours later. I could not believe that Tonks was gone. I still can't. I was very angry at myself for doing everything wrong. I was also angry at God for letting him die. I had prayed and prayed for God to let him live. I should have taken Tonks to the vet on Tuesday rather than waiting, then I would've gotten the medicine sooner. I should have checked him for ticks every night. I didn't. I should have taken him home on Friday night, regardless of what the vet said. Tonks died alone, and I know that he suffered greatly. The infection causes all the major organs to fail, hemorrhaging, and painful muscle cramps. There was no one there to help him. I'm sure he felt abandoned. I am now consumed by grief and guilt. Tonks was only 2 years old. My daughter found him at my sister's boyfriend's house in town. He had been staying on the front porch at times and eating at the house next door. After inquiring at the neighbor's to make sure he wasn't their cat--he wasn't, we took him home. He was a half-grown kitten at that point. I knew he was special when we got him home. He would look at me in the most human way, and I had the feeling that he was an angel kitty sent from heaven. I know how silly that sounds. I have never thought that of any cat I have ever had, and I have had many. He got more and more beautiful as he grew, and I realized that he looked like a full-blooded Maine coon. At two years old, he was extremely big. He had long white, gray, and tan fur that got longer as it went from his face towards his back, a bottle brush tail, and pantaloon-like legs. Maine Coons grow until they are three to five-years old, so Tonks had not reached his full size. When I would carry him, he would stick his front legs straight out and hang them off my arm. This is the only way he liked to be carried. He loved to play with Turkey feathers and to chase my other inside cat, Duchess, down the hall. When he was outside, he would come when I called his name. Even if he was across the field or down at the creek, he would come when I called him. He was a very proud cat and looked like a prince when he walked. He was my angel kitty. My husband doesn't understand why I am so depressed and offers no support. He is not an animal lover like I am. He doesn't understand. Things will just never be the same now. I think about him all day, at night before I go to sleep, and the first thing when I wake up. I just don't know what to do. I have eight other cats and five dogs. I have two beautiful children. What is wrong with me? I look at his picture throughout the day, and it makes me cry. I know Tonks can't come back. I just hope and pray that he will be waiting for me in heaven when I get there, along with all my other animals that have passed away. It will be a big group. I should have appreciated Tonks more while he was alive. I never thought I would loose him so soon. I wish I had taken more pictures of him. So many things I did wrong. I'm sorry this post has been so long. I thank anyone who has taken the time to read it. I have read several posts on this board, and they all make me cry. I feel for all of you who have lost your pet. I know how you are feeling.

Karen

PLEASE PARDON ALL CAP LETTERS. I'M TYPING WITH ONE HAND AND IT'S EASIER FOR ME. THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING ...

DEAREST KAREN, I'M SO VERY SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. PLEASE ACCEPT MY DEEPEST CONDOLENCES. OH, HOW I CAN HEAR YOUR HEART BREAKING AND ALL THE "WHAT IFS" ARE EATING AT YOU SOMETHING FIERCE AS "WHAT IFS" WILL ALWAYS DO. I HOPE AND PRAY THAT THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION WILL GIVE YOU SOME ANSWERS AND BRING YOU AT LEAST SOME SMALL COMFORT. HUGS!!!

YOUR PRECIOUS ANGEL FUR KID TONKS WAS AN INDOOR/OUTDOOR KITTY WHO LOVED TO "go in the fields around the house and down to the creek," TICKS ARE BAD WHERE YOU ARE AND YOU KEPT HIM TREATED WITH FRONTLINE. THIS DISEASE AFFECTS MOSTLY DOMESTIC KITTIES, IT HAPPENS REALLY FAST FROM THE POINT IN TIME YOUR KITTY BECOMES ILL TO THE POINT IN TIME WHEN YOUR KITTY CROSSES OVER TO THE RAINBOW BRIDGE. THERE IS HONESTLY NO EFFECTIVE SPECIFIC TREATMENT AND IT'S ALMOST UNKNOWN FOR KITTIES TO SURVIVE THIS PRACTICALLY ALWAYS FATAL ILLNESS. I AM SO SORRY!

I CAN POINT YOU TO WEBSITES WHICH INCLUDE COLOR PHOTOS OF WHAT HAPPENS SO RAPIDLY TO THEIR BLOOD CELLS BUT THE LANGUAGE IS VERY MEDICAL IN JARGON. I CAN UNDERSTAND IT BUT I ALSO HAVE A MEDICAL BACKGROUND IN BOTH HUMAN AND FUR AND FEATHER KIDS ...

KAREN, YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME IN THE LEAST FOR NOT HAVING FOUND THOSE HERBS IN TIME. IT WOULD NOT HAVE MADE ANY DIFFERENCE. OH MY GOSH, I DO WEEP WITH YOU DEAR ONE. WHAT A VERY SPECIAL AND UNIQUE FUR BABY ANGEL TONKS IS AND SO VERY BEAUTIFUL, TOO. ABSOLUTELY PRECIOUS.

YOU ALSO EXPRESS GUILT THAT HE DIED ALONE WITH NO ONE TO HELP OR HOLD HIM. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE AWARE OF THE PHENOMENON WHEREAS KITTIES WILL HIDE FROM YOU WHEN THEY KNOW THEY ARE DYING. THEY WISH TO BE LEFT ENTIRELY ALONE.
IF THEY'RE IN YOUR HOUSE, YOUR KITTY WILL FIND A PLACE WHERE THEY HOPE THEY WON'T BE DISTURBED.

IF THEY ARE OUTSIDE, THEY DO THE SAME AND, ON RARE OCCASION, ANOTHER KITTY MAY TRY TO HELP THEM BECAUSE THE HEALTHY KITTY WANTS TO BE THERE TO COMFORT THE HIDING, DYING KITTY. HOWEVER, THE SICK KITTY WISHES SO BADLY TO STAY WELL HIDDEN AND NO ONE, NOT EVEN ANOTHER WELL MEANING KITTY, TO BOTHER THEM AS THEY GO GENTLY INTO THAT GOODNIGHT ...

I HEAR YOU EXPRESSING HOW GAWD AWFUL YOU FEEL ABOUT TONKS SUFFERING, TOO. THE HONEST TRUTH IS THAT DOGS AND CATS HAVE SPECIAL, NATURALLY OCCURRING CHEMICALS IN THEIR BRAINS SIMILAR TO HUMAN ENDORPHINS BUT CLOSER TO MORPHINE. THOSE NATURAL CHEMICALS THAT THEIR BRAINS MANUFACTURE GO TO WORK FOR THEM IN A BIG WAY VIA NEUROTRANSMITTERS AND NEURORECEPTORS WHICH THEN RAPIDLY DISTRIBUTE THEIR BRAIN MADE PAIN KILLERS THROUGHOUT THEIR BODIES. THE MORE INTENSE THE PAIN CAUSING INJURY OR DISEASE, THE HIGHER THE LEVELS OF THE KITTY'S NATURAL PAIN KILLERS THAT THEIR BRAINS WILL PRODUCE AND DISTRIBUTE STRONGER DOSES AND FASTER TO EVERY PART OF YOUR KITTY'S SYSTEM.

SO, YOU SEE, THERE WAS NOTHING YOU COULD DO, THE DISEASE IS MOSTLY FATAL, YOUR KITTY WANTS BADLY TO BE LEFT ALONE AND THEY HAVE WONDERFUL NATURALLY OCCURRING PAIN KILLERS WHICH ONE MAY EVEN COMPARE TO MORPHINE. I HOPE I'VE MADE SENSE TO YOU AND HAVE ALLAYED SOME OF YOUR GUILT AND FEARS, DEAR ONE.

PLEASE KNOW THAT YOU AND YOUR ANGEL FUR BABY TONKS ARE BOTH IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS. PLEASE COME BACK TO TALK AS OFTEN AS YOU'RE ABLE OR FEEL THE NEED AND CONTINUE TO EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS. IT'S BY SHARING AND CARING THAT GETS US THROUGH THIS GOSH AWFUL DIFFICULT TIME AND HELPS US TO SOMEDAY FIND THAT HEALING PATH.

I WISH YOU PEACE!



MANY COMFORTING HUGS!!!

ALWAYS,
Dottie xoxoxox

Karen, I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of Tonks and for the pain you are going through. Your post made me cry becaue I know exactly how you feel right now. I don't know if you read my post, but I also had a cat - Sydney - who got sick very suddenly and spent several days in the vet trying to get well, to no avail. Though she was not as young as Tonks, she was only 7 years old, far too young for her life to be over. It's been nearly three weeks and I am still sick to my stomach about it. I still have sobbing fits and feel like I cannot possibly live my life without her. Like you, I miss her every second of every day, especially at bed time and when I wake up. Not seeing her there is like a knife in my heart.

Sydney was very special, moreso than any of the other pets I've ever had. I felt like I could communicate with her, and the love I feel for her is indescribable. There are no words. I did not lose a pet, I lost a child. My husband is an animal lover as well, and loved her as his child too, but he is still having trouble understanding why I am still consumed with grief at this point. He was upset for a few days, and cried right along with me when we had to put her to sleep, but after about a week or so, he was fine and was even talking about getting another cat so that our other cat has a playmate.

It breaks my heart to think of another cat filling Sydney's role in our lives. I know she can never be replaced, but I can't bear to see another cat playing with her toys, or lying on her favorite blanket, things like that. My husband is getting frustrated with me and feels that I am "sulking around" about it and it's very difficult to have to go through this without his support. I keep trying to explain to him how everyone grieves in different ways.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in how you feel. I cannot offer you any words that will bring you comfort, because I have yet to find any. It just hurts and will for a long time.

(((Hugs))) to you during this incredibly difficult time.

Hi Karen,

I am sorry for your loss. It sounds like Tonks was a wonderful, fun cat. I know how you must be feeling as I felt very much the same when my dog Pepper died unexpectedly at the vet. I felt alot of guilt for the first two weeks I cried alot blaming myself for many things I felt I should've done. From what I have read it is normal for us to feel this way. My dog like your cat was very young. It has been almost a month and I am feeling better, only off and on I feel the guilty feelings creep up on me, mostly now I think happy thoughts and miss her. I hope you will be able to realize that you did everything you could, your husband and you looked for herbs to help, you went to visit your Tonks at the Vet. You did absolutely everything you could to help Tonks and the grief will take a long time, but you shouldn't feel guilty when you did everything you could.

Hi, Karen, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Tonks. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. This grief healing journey is never easy. There are so many emotions that consume us, particularly in the beginning, and one of them is the awful feelings of guilt. Karen, you did the absolute best for Tonks. You got him to the vet just as soon as you could. Your husband found the herbs that the vet told you about and you got them for Tonks. Unfortunately there is never any guarantee that any form of treatment or medicine will restore our beloved companions to good health. And there comes a time when they can only be restored to health in the loving comforting arms of our Father God Creator. I do know how heartbreaking this is because for them to be with the angels means that we are left behind on this side of eternity with empty hearts and arms - - even when there are other precious companions and human family members in the household. This grief healing journey is a one day at a time journey, and it is important for you to know you are not alone. Unfortunately there is no easy way through this journey, but it is important for you to know that each of us here understands what you are going through, Karen, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Karen, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I'd like to thank all of you who replied to my post. You don't know how much it means to me. Your words are very comforting to me and help me. I know you all understand.

Dottie, thank you for your kind words and for keeping me in your prayers. I didn't know about kittie's natural pain killers. It makes me feel better to know that Tonks didn't suffer as much as I feared. I just hope and pray that none of my other cats gets this horrible illness.

Jess, I am so sorry about your dear Sydney. I know what you are going through. I love all my other cats, but Tonks was just special to me, as your Sydney was to you. I know you need to work through all your feelings of loss before you can consider getting another kitty. Don't get another one until you know you're ready, and then you will be able to love it completely.

Trulie, I too have been second guessing myself about things I should've done. I think, though, that you did absolutely what you felt was best for your Pepper. I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. I think you did everything you possibly could to save him.

Moon Beam, thank you so much your comforting words. I know that it will get better with time. I keep thinking that if I hadn't taken Tonks home, he might be alive somewhere today. He wouldn't have gotten bobcat fever, but I couldn't foresee the future. I am very grateful and feel blessed that I had him for the two years that I did. They were wonderful, happy years.

My youngest daughter and I pray for all the poor animals in the world every night. We will keep all of you in our thoughts and prayers, also.

Hugs to all of you,
Karen

Sometimes in a loss of someone special, we just cannot focus on who we have left.

That is what happened to me with Miles. I have had cat and dog friends all my life, but there can be a special one. This does not diminish all the ones who went before, or the ones we have not met yet. There are just so many things about a special friend that mean not only can they never be replaced, but also that they were the one that just clicked. We have this with human friends, too.

Where this is different, though, is that we only experience total unconditional love, absolute love, from an animal friend.

[quote name='longdistancevoyager' date='May 16 2009, 11:55 PM' post='50433']
Hello. I didn't know this board existed until I found it a few days ago while trying to seek support after my cat died a week ago today. I have had many cats and dogs over the years to pass away, and I have dearly missed them all, but losing Tonks has been worse than all the others. He was only 2 years old and healthy until 4 or 5 days before he died of cytauxzoonosis, also known as bobcat fever.

Karen: I just wanted to send my sympathy to you regarding the loss of Tonks. I also lost my kitty cat recently, just this past Tuesday night in fact. His name was Joey and he was only 8 months old. We had just adopted him in January. He died of FIP, something I had never previously heard of. I too went to the vet thinking everything would turn out alright. Even when she said "our worst fears are confirmed" and told me it was FIP as she suspected, I still was in shock/denial, waiting for her to tell me what the treatment options were. Instead, we were there with Joey as he was put to sleep. We miss him so much, and feel that our little family is incomplete, even though we have 3 other cats and 1 dog still to love. I felt a lot of guilt as well, even though the vet said it was nothing we did or didn't do. Anyway, I hope this board is helping you as you start to heal. I know it helps me to read everyone's stories. Take care of yourself and again, I'm sorry for your loss.
<3 you Joey!