Hi everyone. I just joined the forum. I'm here because I had to have my beloved cat Sydney put to sleep two weeks ago today. Even as I type that, I can't believe it's true. She was the love of my life and I don't know how I'm going to live without her. I don't know how I've even lived this long without her. I don't feel like any time has passed since she died, like it was yesterday. I feel like I've just been moving through life in a fog. I've never had such a close bond with a pet. We got her when she was only four or five weeks old and she was the sweetest, most wonderful cat. She was with us all the time - curling up on our laps while we watched TV, sitting nearby when we worked on the computer, sleeping in bed with us at night. Her favorite place to sleep was on my husband's chest, and she was always in the bedroom with us when we woke up in the morning.

Now when I wake up every morning and she isn't there, I feel sick. I don't know how I'm going to keep doing this day after day. We have another cat, but she isn't as friendly as Sydney was, and although I love her very much, I'm not nearly as close to her. Sydney got sick very suddenly - our vet thinks she ate something poisonous, but we cannot figure out what it could have been - and after spending a week in the hospital on IV fluids, we took her home for a night, hoping we could nurse her back to health, but we couldn't. Her kidneys were already too far gone, so we made the decision to end her suffering. We were there when she passed, and in a way, it was a relief to know she wasn't suffering anymore. She was very sick her last night with us and just kept trying to drink water, but she had ulcers in her mouth and down her throat, and it was too painful for her.

She was only 7 years old and I am so angry that she was taken from us so early in life. I know I should be grateful for the time we did have, but I just miss her so much, it is eating me up inside. I made an appointment to talk to a therapist about it tomorrow because I'm having trouble dealing with the grief. I can't think about anything else and the longing I feel for her is unbearable. I'm hoping to find some comfort on this forum.

hi jess
im so sorry for your loss. i know how you feel. although my little fred was 14 when he passed, i thought he would live another 4 or 5 years more. you are going thru the same emotions we all go thru, sadness, anger and more sadness. i too didnt know how to go on, it hurt so bad. its been about two months now and even before your reading your post, i was sitting in my office crying quietly because i miss him and his little brother riley who passed away a year ago, so much. its so hard, i know. but time heals. it really does. more often than not, i find myself remembering the happy moments that i shared with them. its too soon for you but it will come and before you know it, you will find yourself smiling again. sydney is looking out for you now. please take comfort in knowing that sydney is not in any discomfort anymore and she will live in your heart forever. funny thing i felt the same way you do about your other cat. when riley died, i thought i was going to fall apart. although i loved them both the same, i felt closer to riley. you see, i tried to give fred hugs but he just thought he was too old for his momma to be hugging him and holding him. riley just a bit more affectionate and loving. but when he left, fred was there to pick up the pieces. he didnt leave my side. he licked my tears away and lay his head next to mine when my world fell apart. that time we shared, just him and i was one i will cherish forever. i never thought we would be so close. give your other kitty extra hugs and kisses
my condolenses. please keep writing. i know this place was a god send to me. so many people reached out and gave me comfort. we are here for you.
you are in my thoughts and prayers.
patricia

Dear Jess,

I am so sorry for your loss! I know exactly what you are going through. I lost my beloved Doberman - Austin 3 1/2 weeks ago. He would have been 8 years old on July 26th so I understand your anger at being cheated out of a few more years with your baby. I have to be honest and admit that the whole first week passed in a blur for me. i lived on coffee and Xanax and slept all the time because it was the only way i could cope with the loss. If I was awake and not numbed by Xanax all i could do was cry. I had to take time off from work because I just couldn't cope. I love my husband dearly, but our home and even our bed seems empty and lifeless without my baby to love. Today I walked in the front door and no one else was home and I looked up the staircase still expecting to see Austin standing there with a toy in his mouth dancing from paw to paw with excitement and all I cuold do was cry. I am better today than I was 2 weeks ago, but I measure my progress by how much time passes between crying bouts. As trite as it sounds, time really is the only thing that's going to help. I was considering therapy because I was starting to worry that the depth of my grief was not normal - and then I found this website. I found a group of people who REALLY knew what I was feeling and had dealt with similar issues themselves. Everyone here has been not only completely sympathetic but have shared their stories as well. Stories of love and loss and how they coped. Having this forum to pour out our feelings has been a godsend! Here is the place you can grieve openly without hearing how it was just an animal or just get another one. Those people who could not possibly understand what a pet adds to your life only make matters worse. I'm sorry that I cannot do anything to help ease your pain, but please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and I will be keeping and eye out for further posts from you. In the meantime, cry or be angry or sad or however you need to feel and do so unabashedly! No one loved your cat like you did so grieve in whatever fashion or for as long as you need to to get it all out of your system.

Sincerely,
Carol

Hi Jess,
I am new here too. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I too am overwhelmed with grief and I have guilt as well..... I think having to put your little one down may make it harder...maybe not... I know it Hurts and it Hurts Bad. Just know you are not alone. I am feeling your pain as well as everyone here. The more I read the posts the more I realize just how much our "pet kids" bring to our lives. How much they are loved and how much they love us.
BK59

Jess, I sypathize with your loss very much. I can tell you that even five months after my cat's untimely death, I still have some sad times. They are not as frequent, but there is just no shortcut away from grief for those we love so much. You have to take that time for grieving.

I have not had children, and have only had cats, and adopted dogs (through my husband). They are are my children. Because they have fur and do not speak English, it does not make them any less important in our lives. Please know that your pain is understood by every person who reads or responds to your post. It validates you as much as your closest friends' sympathy. You gave her the best life possible. Eventually, your pain will be less, and life will get better.

Hi, Jess, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Sydney. Losing a beloved companion is never easy, regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. This grief healing journey is very painful, particularly in the beginning. What you are feeling is really very normal. The stages of our grief journey in the loss of a beloved companion are identical to the stages of grief for a human family member or friend. The professional counseling field recognizes that it takes about a year to find our way to being able to make the physical adjustment to the physical loss of our beloved companions - - for the first year is filled with all the firsts - - the first birthday, the first anniversary, the first holidays, the first - - whatever -- that always remind us that the physical presence of a very valuable member of our lives is no longer with us. Sometimes a professional counselor can help us through the more difficult parts of our grief journey. I hope your counselor is versed in the grief of a beloved companion - - as this is a very new component to the counseling field and not every counselor is trained in it - - and unfortunately, not every counselor believes it is appropriate. Our grief healing journey after the loss of a beloved companion is physical, emotional, and spiritual so it is important for you to do whatever helps to comfort you during the most unbearable moments of your grief. When my 6 year old number one kitty son died 2.5 years ago due to end stage Lymphoma, I slept with his collar under my pillow, and would hold onto it tightly or one of his blankets when the grief was so overwhelming in the beginning. And although my Eli left behind 2 kitty siblings and one doggie brother, our household was so empty for quite awhile because of the loss of Eli's physical presence. One of the most important things for you to understand, Jess, is that you are not alone in your grief journey. In the immediate early stages you can begin to feel like you are losing your mind from the overwhelming consuming grief. The emptiness feels so isolating. But you are not alone, Jess, - - you are not isolated - - and equally important - - you are not losing your mind. What you are feeling is very normal, and each of us here understands the darkness this grief healing journey can make our hearts and lives feel. We are here for you for as long and as often as you need us, Jess. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thanks to everyone for your support. I picked up Sydney's ashes from our vet today and in a way, it is comforting to know that she is with us in the house again, at least physically. I miss her so terribly. I'm sure I'll be visiting this forum regularly. Thanks again for the kind words.

[quote name='Jess' date='May 12 2009, 06:49 PM' post='50357']


Hi Jess,
Just wanted to say my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for your loss. Your words are so familiar. I lost the love of my life too...I still don't know how I've made it this far. I am still stuck in January. I am seeing a therapist also (husband asked me to go), but this forum has helped me more than anything. My Mouses has been gone for 4 months, and I am finally able to smile and breathe again. I have learned so much from reading everyone's posts (cried through every one). I take comfort in knowing so many people love their pets like I do. If they are getting through this, then so can I, and so can you. The first months are SO painful. I wish I could take that away from you. Those days were the worst days of my life. I stopped eating (lost 20lbs), and crashed at night from grief (I never go to bed early...ever). I hated to wake up every morning. I kept thinking, "how am I going to do this everyday?" I cried so much, my lips cracked, and my cheeks developed a rash from the salt in my tears. I gagged when I cried, because I cried so hard. I went through the "what if's," like crazy. It took me 4 months to stop thinking of the medical stuff. My Mouses is gone. Her death was so unexpected. Death is a part of life, and it really sucks. I've had cats my whole life, it wasn't until Mouses that I learned how well they could hide their illness, and how fast they could go. Wish I hadn't learned that lesson with her (my soul kitty). I finally accept her death. I finally know nothing I say or do is going to change the outcome. She is gone. Those words are still hard to type. I have to live without her. It is hard to feel separate from her. I am just me again, and I hate it. I see her in my clothes, in my sheets, in my furniture. She is a part of me forever, and I can't wait to see her again. That is the thought that pulls me through, I will see her again. We will all see them again.


How are you doing today? Again I am so sorry for your sudden, unexpected loss of Sydney, your baby. You loved (love) her and she loves you. Nothing can take away your memories of her. Soon you will think of her with smiles. I promise.
Take Care. Hope your therapy is helping you. Chris

Thanks Chris. I had read one of your posts before I officially registered here and your words sounded familiar to me as well. I can tell by what you write that you feel similarly about Mouses as I do about Sydney, and we grieve in similar ways. I, too, wake up every morning and think to myself, "How am I going to do this for the next 50 years??" (or however long I live). I'm desperately afraid of my memories of Sydney fading. I don't want her to become a part of my past. Somehow, I don't think I will ever think of her that way, but the thought that I might scares me.

I know what you mean about gagging when you cry. A couple weeks ago I was home alone one evening while my husband was at work and I was on the verge of having a panic attack (never had one before). I was so distraught I was collapsed on the floor sobbing and trying to catch my breath and pounding on the floor. Sometimes I feel like I want to jump out of my skin because I just can't stand the feeling of missing her.

It's been one month today since we put Sydney to sleep and while the grief is becoming slightly less raw, it's still there. I still cry at some point nearly every single day. I don't feel like I have accepted her death yet. There is still some irrational part of me that thinks this is only temporary and that one day I will walk in the house and there she will be, perfectly healthy and waiting for me. Was it hard when you finally accepted it? Did it happen suddenly or was it more gradual?

Thanks for writing.
~J

Hi Jess,

Glad to hear your grief is becoming less raw. I know exactly what you mean when you say part of you thinks this is only temporary. After the third month, I had my first day without tears. I kept thinking, "OK, I did it, I am getting through this pain...can I have her back now?" I kept feeling like I experienced what I was supposed to, and now I could get her back like it was some kind of huge reward for all of my suffering. Wishful thinking I know. For months I would peak around corners and look at her spot on our bed, as if one day she would magically reappear. I would walk in the house, and expect her to be on the couch waiting for us to come home like she always did.

My acceptance was sorta both sudden and gradual. I was going over ways to bring her back until I was blue in the face. Everything happened so fast when I lost her. All I could do the first three months was go over ways to bring her back (called several vets, read a million things). My husband kept saying to me, "what are you trying to accomplish with all of this research?" I would always answer, "I don't know." Then one day (around month 3), I answered, "I am trying to save Mouses." Then it hit me. Nothing I could do or say would bring her back. I can't go back in time. I can't change ANYTHING. I can't save Mouses...she's been gone for 100+days. I finally accepted it. Then I went NUMB. I went into a huge numb phase. I spaced out. My brain just stopped thinking. I would float around in a fog. Then I realized I wasn't letting myself miss her. I was putting all of my energy into saving her so I could avoid accepting she was gone. Then I let myself miss her. Even though I missed her right away in January, this was different. I felt myself let her go, so she could finally run and play in heaven.

When I let her go, I started to obsess over time lost. I kept thinking about how she was here all day everyday...I could've went in the bedroom and seen her anytime I wanted, and now I can't. I was mad at myself for all of the chances I missed to be with her. My therapist helped me focus on how good I was to her. She helped me focus on all of the time I did spend with her. Mouses was a very loved kitty. I no longer go to therapy...it all came down to, "you love her and you miss her." So simple. I didn't want her to go, I wasn't done living with her yet, but she IS gone. I started to look at death forums all to help me realize that death is a part of life. I read pet loss and people loss sites. Depressing...but it helps me see the bigger picture. I even made a list of sudden horrible deaths (people and pet loss). Depressing...but it helps me realize death really does come at any time. We all hope it comes when we expect it, but it often doesn't. This cold hard fact is what helped me accept her death the most. Someone on the news had their 2 1/2 year old boy slip out of their hand on a nice friendly walk around the block, and get hit by a car. His family kept saying, "it all happened so fast." He was here laughing and smiling one minute and gone the next. I repeat this everyday, "if they can get through this than so can I." This forum has been the most helpful in my acceptance. I am more of an animal lover than a people lover, so most often I think of this site. I think, "if so and so can get through this than so can I." This forum helps take the personal edge off my own experience/loss. I hope you find it does the same for you.

I still cry...I still slip back into the past, but each day really is getting easier and easier. I am finally thinking about saving a new cat soon. Very emotional...but I really miss having a cat to love. How is your other cat? Is she any comfort to you?

Take Care Jess. Hope your having a good day. May Mouses and Sydney be running through the sunny fields while chasing butterflies. I keep picturing Mouses getting all of these new playmates from this connection we all have. They are free to be cats...I am sure Mouses is rolling in the grass, purring...so happy to be outside. Although I told her she still has to occasionally sleep above my head.

P.S. Don't worry about your memories of Sydney fading. I've lost several other cats. It has been 10 years for some...my memory of them is as clear as a bell. I can still feel how they felt. I can still hear their individual meows, and remember their individual things. Your memories of Sydney will never fade (love her name by the way).

Jess, Wow, that could be me writing your post. I have said aloud many times to Callym's picture since he died, "How am I going to continue without you for another 40/50 years?". While Callym was ill with cancer for those 2 months, my deep crying fits during that time often ended in gagging - the crying was coming from so deep inside of me. I too would lie on the floor just crying and pounding the floor too. I screamed "no no no" in the car a few times too. And I still feel like this is a bad dream - when I *really* think about all that is left of my Callym is his remains returned to me after a private cremation, well I want to scream in shock - it cannot be true. I am a total confused mess.

hi jess im so very sorry ,im new here also and my jeannie passed away from kideny faulier i know what you mean about crying so hard ,and the waking up alone knowing that our pets arent with us anymore ,im still a mess with it all but im happy i found a place like this to talk about it all ,the people here really do understand what its like ,i hope as each day goes on buy talking here we all will feel a bit better little by little ,take care of your self and i hope you do start to feel better THANKS JAY

Our other cat, Jeebie, is sweet and quirky and I love her very much, but not like I love Sydney. We just don't share the same bond. Jeebie is my husband's cat and although we were together when he got her, we weren't living together, so I didn't get to spend that kitten time with her. Sydney was only about 4 weeks old when we got her. I had to feed her kitten formula and she was just my baby from day one.

On Friday, my husband and I took in 5 stray kittens and fostered them for a couple of days until we could have someone from the local shelter come out and pick them up. They were very cute, but they were terrified of us and kept hissing and trying to hide. Sydney was never like that. Despite being separated from her biological mother and her litter at such a young age, she loved us from the very beginning. She wanted to be with us always.

The first night we had her, she slept on a stuffed animal on our bedroom floor. That morning, I got up to take a shower and my husband was still in bed. When I got out of the shower, he asked me if I had put Sydney on the bed. I said no, but yet there she was, snuggled right up to him. This tiny kitten had clawed her way up the comforter on our big queen-size bed because she wanted to cuddle. She was just such an angel. All of my friends who came over my house fell in love with her. She was just so special.

I know that life has to end someday, and I always dreaded the moment when we would have to say goodbye. I just never in a million years thought it would be after only 7 years together. That breaks my heart. I wanted more time with her, much more time. We had such a happy little family of four. A couple years ago I bought us all matching Christmas stockings with our names embroidered on them - me, my husband, Jeebie, and Sydney. Now when I think of hanging those stockings up this year, I want to cry because 1/4 of our family is missing.

I loved buying things for the cats. Two Christmases ago, I got them a new scratching post and Sydney absolutely loved it. She scratched on it multiple times a day and would climb up it and sit on top of it. We also got them window shelves for our bedroom. They each picked a favorite window and I'd wake up in the middle of the night and see their individual silhouettes lying on their shelves. Just a few months ago we renovated the office in our house and got black built-in desks and cabinetry, so I bought the cats this beautiful litter box cover that looks like a piece of furniture to match. I bought them a fleece blanket for Christmas last year with a little lamb face embroidered on it, and that's what we ended up bringing Sydney to the vet in to have her put to sleep.

We wanted to get them a new cat condo for Christmas too, but I had been looking around and didn't see anything I liked, so I decided to hold off for awhile. Now I'm so sad that Sydney never got her new condo. I look around at all of the things I bought for them, and it breaks my heart that she won't be able to use all of those things anymore. She loved them. I can only hope that she is in a much, much better place and that she doesn't miss any of these material things that I lovingly bought for her. I feel that she has contacted me a few times in dreams, and I've had a few other experiences that led me to believe that her spirit is around. Those experiences have brought me some comfort, but I want nothing more than to be able to pick her up and kiss her and hold her close.

I haven't posted a picture of her here before, but I want to share this image. This was taken about 3 years ago and it's a picture of Sydney doing one of her favorite things - lounging on our deck - her deck - in the summer time:

Click to view attachment

I love you baby girl.

I am very sorry for your loss. I can relate to so much of what you are going through. I lost my baby when she was only 7 months old. The grief I felt was overwhelming. I was not in any way prepared for losing her, and thought we would have years and years together. I honestly felt so bad that I wanted to die.

It is now just over a year since I lost her. I still think about her all the time and miss her with all my heart.

When new furbabies come into our lives it is all too easy to compare them to the ones we have lost, but they are all unique. That is what allows us to open up our hearts again without feeling disloyal.

I got two kittens about five weeks after I lost my little one. It was so hard at first, and I felt guilty that it took me so long to bond with them. However, now I love them to bits and just couldn't be without them. The difficult part is that I am so overprotective of them, and live in fear that I am going to loose them from some sort of illness as well. I guess that is to be expected given what I went through.

It does get easier with time. I have a lump in my throat as I am writing this because I still feel so sad, but the happiness she gave me is greater than the pain I feel now.

Keep writing on here. We all know how you feel.

This is a key idea that we all have to hang on to during our difficult moments. Well, it is actually a good thought to always carry with one.

Well, it's been 6 weeks today. I can't believe I have lived this long without her. The idea of continuing to get up every morning and face each day without her is still agonizing and exhausting. I miss you, Sydney. I love you, baby girl.

It's one day at a time...like they say. I've missed my Hobbsy for almost 3 months now (tears welling up typing this) and one comes to realize that we can and must go on.

((Hugs))

Jess,

Just wanted to express my sincerest sympathy for your loss. I understand. I am 6 days into losing my 3 1/2 year old Sheltie named Sammie. My life feels over. I feel hopeless. I feel lost. I am so angry that the kindest, most gentlest, happiest creature that has ever come into my life was taken out so soon. Why her? Why me? Why? I know we aren't supposed to ask why but I can't help it. My friends are getting a little annoyed with my crying and my sadness b/c they don't understand why I can't just pick up and go on but I can't. I also have other pets. I have two cats, Gidget and Clark. Clark's brother Lewis had to be put to sleep about 5 months ago. I do love them but they are NOT Sammy. They didn't go everywhere with me. They aren't as affectionate or connected to my soul as she was. I would give anything in this world to have her back and I know you would to. Jess, let's help each other think about how our babies are happy and loved and content in Heaven with lots of furry new friends. I'm trying but it is so hard. I'm selfish. I want her here with me. This group of loving folks on here are all that's keeping me going and the smell of her on her collar that I cling to at night and put under my pillow. Hang in there Jess. I will lift you up in prayer today that you will have just a few moments of happiness and then more moments tomorrow.

All my best,
Melanie

Thank you for the kind words, Melanie. I too feel an incredibly strong connection to Sydney unlike anything I've ever experienced with anyone - humans included - in my life. I never really was into the whole soulmate concept until now. I really feel that she and I share a very unique bond. That's what makes this so difficult. I've never had to deal with this kind of a loss before. I've lost other pets in my life, although Sydney is the first pet that I raised as an adult; I was a child when all of the pets before her came into my life. I've never thought of her as simply a pet; she was always so much more. Even my friends thought of her more as a person than a cat. She just had this amazing personality. I've also lost family members (although no one I was especially close with), and none of those losses have come close to this. At times, it seems impossible to deal with. I am selfish too. I hope that she is safe and happy and at peace, but I ache for her and sometimes the longing to have her physically here with me is absolutely unbearable. I will be thinking of you and wishing you peace.

~Jess

I hope when I get "Buddy's" ashes I might feel like you, thank you for saying those words, it's getting me thru this.

I miss you, Sydney. I hate getting up every day and moving through life without you. I think about you all the time. I'd give anything to be able to hold you and kiss you again. I love you, baby girl.