Hello. Unfortunately I have became a member of this "club" but I am so glad to have found this support forum. I am totally overwhelmed and cannot get myself pulled together.
Six weeks ago our little Pomeranian started coughing and gagging continously. Took him to the vet. Said he had pneumonia, fluid build up and tonsilitis. Gave hime 2 shots, antibiotic and cough med for home. He seemed a little better but certainly not over it. Vet gave more cough meds, stronger antibiotic. Still not better after that. Next visit, said he had a heart condition, fluid build up, fast respiration, murmur. Started him on Lasix & more cough meds. He continued to decline. Our usual Vet is semi retired and is not in his office very often, doesn't make appts. so is first come first served. This was proving too hard on our little guy so we took him to a different vet. He confirmed the heart conditon and said his lungs was working only 1/4 capacity. Next week worse, gave him a 15 day taper off dose of prednisone, cough meds and Lasix. The pred did seem to help some at the maximum dose and he had began eating again normally. Last Wed. he coughed and hacked a lot throughout the night, Lasix was moved up to twice a day, Thursday night was even worse and Friday night was Horrible. He coughed and gagged All Night Long. Respiration around 130. Took him to the Vet with the intentions of IF nothing more could be done for him to have him put to sleep. So....that's what I did. I Am So Guilt and Grief stricken I want a do-over! I have cried and cried and cried. I wish I would have brought him back home with me alive. I am sick about it. He was so cute, so sweet and so much fun. He has lived with us for over 10 1/2 years. He was back to eating. I had just bought him his special heart food, and month supply of heart meds. Why didn't I wait another couple of weeks? He still enjoyed us so much. I keep reminding myself of how awful it was for him that final night but it does not help. I feel like I had one of my children Killed. I know I sound Crazy. I was raised on a farm all my life and have dealt with animal dieing. We had two of our outside dogs put down for old age health problems but...this has taken me by surprise and I can't seem to find any peace. And I miss him so bad. Everywhere I go in this house I expect him.
Sorry for this being so long.

Hiya BK59,

just to let you know I feel so much for you in your loss and grief at this very sad time. I know though that here you will get all the love and support you need in your time of loss and pain as I have discovered.

I feel so much for you and hope that you can take comfort in knowing that your little one knew just how much you loved him.

My little birdy who I had had for 12 years died without warning on Saturday and I am new the pain of losing him too.

Take care and know you are in my thoughts.

gossamerwings

PLEASE PARDON USE OF ALL CAP LETTERS. I'M TYPING WITH ONE HAND AND IS EASIER FOR ME. THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING ...

DEAREST BK59, I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS AND CAN HEAR YOUR HEART BREAKING. PLEASE ACCEPT MY DEEPEST CONDOLENCES.
I ALSO FEEL AS THOUGH I'VE LOST MY CHILD. TRULY I DO. THE GUILT IS GOSH AWFUL FOR ME AS WELL.

BUT, I FEEL MORE FORTUNATE THAN YOU, DEAR ONE. WHY IS THAT? I CAN STILL FEEL ALEX ALL AROUND ME AND KNOW HE WANTS VERY MUCH TO COMFORT ME, EASE MY PAIN AND TAKE AWAY MY GUILT. WELL, I BELIEVE WITH ALL MY BEING THAT YOUR FUR CHILD POMERANIAN WISHES SO BADLY TO DO THE SAME FOR YOU. HE KNOWS HOW MUCH YOU'VE DONE FOR HIM, HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HIM AND HOW MUCH YOU MISS HIM.

IF HE COULD REACH YOUR EARS FROM THE RAINBOW BRIDGE WHERE HE IS ONLY JUST A BREATH AWAY FROM YOU, HE MAY VERY WELL BE TELLING YOU THIS ...

"I Hear your Voice on the Wind! And I Hear you call out my name! I am the Voice of the past that will Always Be! I am the Force that in Springtime will Grow! I am the Voice of your hunger and pain. Answer my call, and I'll set you Free! I am the Voice of the Future!
I Will Remain!"

BK59, CAN YOU HEAR HIM? SHHH ... BE VERY STILL ... LISTEN ...

PLEASE CLICK ON "THE VOICE" POMERANIAN IMAGE BELOW IF YOU'RE ABLE TO VIEW VIDEOS AND I WILL COPY AND PASTE THE LYRICS FOR YOU JUST IN CASE.

Dear BK59,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know what you are feeling and I can assure you that you have found the right place. When I joined this forum I had just lost my 7 year-old Doberman named Austin. I was so heartbroken I felt that I couldn't breathe. I hurt so bad I thought I would shatter. In my case, my husband was playing ball with him when he picked up the ball, walked to a spot on our front lawn and laid down and died. The vet felt certain it was cardiomyopathy but we will never know for certain since we refused an autopsy. I wasn't even home when it happened! i was 2 hours away. I was so heartbroken my sister had to drive me home. I saw my baby at 3:00 in the morning at the emergency vet's office where I said my goodbyes and promptly fell apart. I understand your sense of guilt, even though it is unwarranted. I did the same. I beat myself up for weeks. I went to see our primary vet because I needed to know if there were some symptoms or signs that I had missed. How could he die at 7 with no warning whatsoever?! We will never know why we have lost our babies as we have, we just have to find a way to deal with. I have not dealt well and I still cry at the drop of a hat. I have tributes to him in all my favorite spots, yet I was determined to trade in the SUV I bought becasue he was scared to ride in a car, I wanted to completely redecorate my bedroom (where he kept me company for hours on end after 2 surgeries) but I've been too sad and apathetic to do it. Everything is just too much effort for me right now and I know that is a sign of depression - and it's been almost 1 month! The only real comfort I've had is on this forum. People have been so unbelievably kind, sympathetic and understanding and it's been a blessing. Here is where you can vent and grieve or even share stories of happy memories of the one you lost. Don't let anyone tell you how you should or not feel or how you should or should not grieve. Only you know how much you loved him and what a void it leaves in your life. Try and stay busy and keep your mind occupied. I find it's worse for me when I have too much quiet time alone to think and really feel and then the overwhelming grief seems to hit me in waves. I still miss my boy horribly, but take heart in the fact that the crying jags and the grief waves are getting further apart with each day that passes. And even though I am a grown woman I miss my dog so much (he used to sleep in bed with us right between my husband and myself where he could touch us both) that since his death I have been sleeping with the stuffed bunny I bought him for Easter as this was the last stuffed animal he brought to bed with him. Fortunately my husband is very sensitive and understanding and says I can keep the bunny in bed with us as long as I need to. I guess at some point I'll give the bunny a special seat on the slipper chair in our room, but not quite yet. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. Please continue to write in anytime you need to. There is a huge support system here that I am grateful for and I think it will help you as well. I'll keep an eye out for updates from you. Until then, I hope you get some peace and solace to help ease your pain.

Sincerely,
Carol

Thank you all so very much for your kind words and tender spirits. I read your post over and over and find comfort each time. Please know I share in your losses as well. "Pet" seems like such an inadequate word. My heart is still so heavy....

BK59 -

I feel for you so much and I am so sorry for your loss. I saw your post come through on my email several days ago but I've been dealing with some all-consuming nondog issues and haven't been able to do anything else for what feels like weeks now. Anyway, I know all too well how you feel. I've lost 7 dogs in the past 24 years and believe me when I tell you that I've managed to find a way to make every one of them my fault - and most of my dogs have, essentially, died from old age related conditions. I guess it is just human nature that makes us want to blame ourselves and assume this mantel of guilt and then again, I guess it is one of the stages of grief as well. I don't know for sure why we do it but I want to say try not to be so hard on yourself if you can. It's obvious just from how you write about it that you loved your baby very very much and tried very hard to find a way to relieve both his suffering and his illness. But at the time you made your decision to let him go, you were operating under the premise there was nothing else that could be done and you wanted to save him greater suffering. That is a truly unselfish act. Nothing could be less selfish and more loving. It is the final act of love. Now, of course, you want to second guess that decision because you wish there was something that could have been done for him but if you trust your vet, then you have to know that you did the right thing. It doesn't make it any less devastating, of course. I lost my Jack from kidney failure on April 11. Putting him down was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I slept with his coat over a pillow and his collar and stuffed toy next to me for two weeks, and barely got out of bed for most of that two weeks. Then I went to the shelter and got another dog because I couldn't stand the sound of the silence in my house anymore and realized that none of this was going to bring him back. I'm a long way from being over the grieving for him, but I'm giving a wonderful dog a home while I'm doing it so it's a win win all the way around. I wasn't sure how I'd feel, and I thought I might feel too guilty to really fall in love with another dog so soon, but I think Jack sent me the perfect dog and my only regret is that he's not still here to meet her. I've also found that writing in my journal helps a lot to help me work out my feelings of how I feel about losing Jack, and also writing about happier times I remember spending with him. I really hope you find some peace in your grief and your loss. There's no easy way through this, that is for sure. You just have to get through it until one day you realize that the pain is subsiding just a little and the happy memories are more to the forefront. I've heard it said that you never get over losing them, you just learn to live without them, and I guess that just about says it all.