I feel so lost and lonely without my pepper poobear. I loved her and I miss her so much. I miss her cuddling on the bed with me, her kiss when I come home it is so hard. She died so suddenly of a Heart Hemagiosarcoma that I didn't even know she had it, I didn't have a chance to accept it and come to terms that she was going to die.
My dog Pepper (border collie/Sheppard mix) died on Monday she was diagnosed on Monday with a heart Hemagiosarcoma. (cancer) She was only 6 ½ years old. She died at the vet. I keep thinking if only I had done this or that I could’ve help her live a little longer. She died at the vet. We were worried about her on Good Friday as we thought she had slipped on the ceramic in the kitchen as I heard some scuffling she was all upset and lethargic when I got to her, I thought she was just a bit sore and maybe scared herself. She knew enough to still do certain things like go outside to pee and she could walk outside, but she was throwing up, had the runs, wasn’t eating and wasn’t quite herself, mostly sleeping. I called the emergency vet they said to keep our eyes on her and take her in if she got worse, I also called our vet's emergency number and they said the same thing. Well after a few days she seemed to bounce back to being herself again and then this last weekend her back legs gave out, at first we thought maybe my brother’s Jack Russell had bumped into her because she was running behind her, but now I think they probably just gave out, anyway she got all upset and just wanted to come in and lie down on the couch. She ended up throwing up a couple of times again and her breathing wasn’t quite normal. She almost sounded like she had a stuffed nose, I thought she must have a cold I even put a vaporizer in the room to see if it would help. Well Monday she had the runs again so my Dad thought we should take her to the vet to be checked out. My brother and I took her for the runs.
The vet was checking her out and he couldn’t hear her heart very clear but thought maybe because she is such a nervous dog it was muffled, however when he checked her gums they seemed to not fill up pink right away and they thought that could be poor circulation and from our description of the last week or so they decided they should do an x-ray. It showed her heart was enlarged and her liver seemed very small, but they couldn’t give us a definite reason for it without doing an ultrasound. The ultrasound specialist happened to be there and they did an ultrasound and found she had a mass over 7 cm large on her heart. This is the part that kills me. The vet brought her back into the consult room and she was up on her feet, although you could see she was tired. She was waiting for my brother and I to take her home. The vet told us it did not look good but he would consult with some specialists and see what options we had. He couldn’t really give a ballpark on how long she had. So we left the consult room and went into the waiting room to pay the bill and get some final instructions and meds for the runs. Pepper went to stand by the door to leave and was waiting for us. She then walked across the floor and lied down, I didn’t think to much of her lying down as she was just through lots of tests and she was waiting for my brother and I, but then she didn’t look like she was breathing properly and I said something is wrong and I felt like everthing was in slow motion. My brother and I ran to to her and tried to get her up to go home and she wasn’t responding so the vet came and looked at her tongue and it had turned blue, they rushed her to the back for oxygen and then told us they were trying to stabilize her and then five minutes later they said for us to hurry because she wasn’t going to make it so we went back there and she was barely alive and of course we hugged her and cried buckets of tears, but we couldn't save her.

I am having trouble dealing with that she walked into the vet and we thought we were going to bring her home. If only I had known I would’ve given her a huge hug after all her tests. But I thought she was coming home. I am feeling so much guilt. I feel guilty that I didn’t give her a big hug while she was still on her feet after the tests, I feel like she maybe she thought I didn’t love her and gave up and that a hug from me may have gave her strength. I worry that they put a muzzle on her when they checked her ears because she nips when you touch her ears and they left it on which I think maybe caused her to have a harder time breathing. I feel like I should’ve been in the ultrashound room with her and I keep seeing her look out at me from the xray table when they opened the door to call the other vet like she was just begging me to get her. I worry the tests were too much for her, if only we didn’t put her through all those tests maybe her heart would’ve been ok a while longer. I am trying not to obsess and to think of the good things and happy times and not blame myself, but it is so hard. I miss her so much.
What she had was fatal, the ultrasound specialist told us to consider humane options for her as there was no cure. When I read about it once detected they have very little time. Only weeks. It just feels so surreal that we took her for help and she died. I never at all considered she was going to die at the vet. It was such a shock.

I know if I didn’t take her to the vet and she died next week at home I would’ve had the opposite guilt and thought I should’ve taken her to the vet. This way I know what was wrong and what she died from but it hurts so bad. I feel like I will never get over this feeling. Has anyone had similar and how did you get over this feeling of guilt. I hate that the last couple of hours of her life were having tests done at the vet and not being smothered with love. It has been a week today and I am still feeling so sad and can't stop thinking about her. I can't stop crying.

I am very sorry to hear about your Pepper. Its definitely hard to lose a pet like that but you shouldn't feel guilty for trying to help your dog. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Your dog was sick and you took her to the vet out of love.. to find out whats wrong so that she could feel better. It is unfortunate that she didn't make it, but when its their time.. it just their time.

Its not easy to let them go and naturally you will be sad, but remember you did everything you could do. I too am dealing with the loss of a pet, who I had to let go after 18 years (my cat had to be put to sleep this weekend due to old age/kidney failure).

You should think about the good times, all the joy she brought to your life.. do not dwell on those final hours, trust me.

I hope time heals your pain and eases sadness soon. Its hard, but hang in there and you will be okay in time.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I cried as I read your story. My heart goes out to you and I pray that every day you will be able to let go of the grief and doubt and be able to remember the good times.

My little 8 month old Jasper ran into the street and was hit by a truck. We rushed him to the emergency clinic and the initial exam looked promising. So they sent us home and told us they would call if things changed. About an hour after we were home they called to say he was bleeding into his abdomen and couldn't get it to stop with drugs, they needed to do surgery. As the final blow, they said they had a team of x-ray technicians looking at his x-rays and they all found that there was a break in his spine at one of his growth plates. If they operated to stop the bleeding, he would be paralyzed. We couldn't do that to our puppy who found running around the yard his greatest joy in life. We opted to end his pain and suffering.

This was 3 weeks ago. The first week I spent crying and doubting the decision - wondering "what if", terribly upset because I never got to say good-bye to him and give him one last kiss and hug, kicking myself for not giving him the chance that maybe he wouldn't be paralyzed. The second week, I was in a daze. My therapist told me to stop "shoulding" on myself. Everyone said we made the right decision, no one was judging us - except myself.

This is week three. My husband and I decided to adopt another little puppy because we have so much love for animals in need. I still miss my Jazzy terribly and I still cry, but the grief is letting go. Who knows what week four will bring.

Try to let go of the "if onlys" and "what ifs" - you did what you could. And I'm sure Pepper knows that. Our furbabies are up there playing together - no pain, only joy - waiting for us to be with them again.

I am so sorry to hear about your Jasper. That must have been awful for you. I know how you feel about the feeling you didn't get to say goodbye. When we got to Pepper she was still breathing but she was dazed and sort of appearing comotose. I suppose she knew we were there, but I still feel sad that I didn't hug her while she was more alert and aware. I hugged her that morning as she was sleeping with me, but I never in a million years thought she would die at the vet, I didn't even know she had the Heart Cancer. She only started showing signs in the last week and my understanding is this is how it happens when they find it it is usually too late. It is wonderful that you are adopting a new dog. There are many who need our love. I will at some point get another one as well. Right now I still find it hard to accept that Pepper is gone. I am sure my Pepper is playing iwth your Jasper.

I'm sorry to hear about your cat. 18 years is a very long time. It must be very difficult. We had a dog for 14 years and we had to put her to sleep and I know that is very tough. I only think of good times with my old dog so I guess with time it will be the same with Pepper, I wont' worry so much about what I could and couldn't do, but right now I still can't help missing her being here. I almost hate to come home as I dread coming in the house and her not being there with me. THank you for your kind words. They do help.

Dear Trulie,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Pepper.

I lost my beautiful Mack to hemangiosarcoma, in Sept.,2006. It's a terrible disease (one I had never heard of 'til Mackie was diagnosed) , especially since it usually has no symptoms until it is too late. Mack was diagnosed one week before he died, in my arms. He was just a little short of his eighth birthday.

Pepper knew knew you were there with her...at home or not, your love and concern were all that mattered.

love and prayers,
Dayna

Trulie, I am deeply sorry for the loss of your precious fur baby Pepper. I can tell from reading your post, that Pepper was loved very much. I know you are in the early stages of grief...and usually everyone relives the last days or moments with their pet. It's so hard when we can't save our babies lives. We want someone to blame and often blame ourselves. But please know that you did everything you could for Pepper. She had a wonderful life with you, and knew you were always there for her. Cancer is a terrible disease, and so many of us have lost a pet because of it. I know you have many happy memories of Pepper. And these memories will get you through the pain. You will be sad for awhile thinking of Pepper. But give yourself time to grieve....and those tears will be replaced by smiles. For you will remember Pepper as a happy and healthy dog, and all of the joy she brought into your life. She will always hold a special place in your heart....forever.

Trulie,

You might be interested in the Sumner Foundation, it was started by a woman who lost her beautiful Golden retriever to hemangiosarcoma. They have a wonderful gallery, where you can post Pepper's picture among the faces of of other angels ,who have been lost to this terrible disease.

Thinking of you and your "pooh-bear",
Dayna

i just read the full story. i had a miniature collie named pepper years ago. i think guilt can always lurk up in us even years later. now i try to replace it with happy memories. i also talked to a pet psychic on the phone and that helped me a lot.i asked acorn questions and relieved a lot of guilt. im a skeptic but the way she described him and his personality it felt real. i try and pay attention to signs from my angel acorn and all my angels. i always feel my angels if their special song comes on or anything. that keeps me going. i sang a song to acorn as he passed away and its strange how it played in the hospital when my sis almost lost her baby to kidney stones and miraculously she passed the stones for the first time in her life when they were the biggest shes had. the song also plays when im arriving home sometimes, alot of times on the 21 minute of the hour(he passed on the 21st). you should know that your dog doesnt blame you and she is still with you. pepper knows you were trying to help her. everyone has their own pace in grief. dont let anyone tell you otherwise. we are all here to comfort each other through it

Hi Trulie

I'm so sorry for your loss of Pepper, it's so hard to understand when these things happen.
Please know that you're in the best possible place to help you through your grief.

Take Care

I really appreciate everything people have been telling me and I find this forum is very helpful to get me through this pain. Yesterday seemed to be a really bad day for me I cried alot blaming myself again and again, sure that I if I somehow had only reacted faster I could've saved Pepper. Today has been a better day. But the weekend is here and I am finding the weekends are difficult. Especially as Pepper loved to be outside in the nice weather. It has gotten to the point where my parents don't want to hear it anymore. If I start up about how I will always feel I could've done more or tell them I feel guilty they tell me to stop talking about it. My Brother who was there at the vet that day, if I say to him maybe if we had've reacted faster we could've saved her, he say "yeah maybe we could've saved her" or if I say taking her to the vet was too much stress " he will say yeah I'm sure that probably caused her heart to give out" Then I feel bad all over again. He was there too and this is a family dog not just my dog. I wanted to take the muzzle off her at the vet after he looked at her ears and my brother said we should leave it on or she will get upset it if has to go one again. But somehow I am the one that feels bad she had the muzzle on. I know my brother feels bad too, but I feel like I am the only one in the family that is still having so much trouble with her death. It helps to be able to talk to people who understand. It helps alot. I thank everyone who has sent me messages.

Sweetie, it's going to take a while to let go of the "what if's" and "should have's" but know this, they will eventually go away. Someone told me something after my Jasper died that felt so right to me that I wrote it on my bathroom mirror with my eyeliner pencil so I could see it everyday. This is what they said: "Ask yourself, with the information that was presented to you at the time, did you make the right decision?" I answered "yes". And even though there is still a small lingering doubt, in my heart I know it was right. And the day will come when your doubts and your pain will subside. It's been four weeks tomorrow that I lost my baby boy. I was finally able to open the box that the emergency vet techs sent us - it contained a clay imprint of my Jasper's paw. I cried, but the deep, aching pain that comes with the first couple of weeks of grieving was not there. There was sadness and that's OK. It means I'm healing - and you will, too.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Deanna
Michigan