Hi,

My name is Gary.

I am new to this forum. I'm a long time Cat lover since a small child.

I am so sad and have a seroius need to express my grief about an incident that happened to one of my favorite feral Cats recently. I'm having a difficult time and find myself crying at times when I'm alone because of what just happened.

I'm a caregiver for numerous feral Cat colonies here in North Seattle and Bellevue areas. I've been providing daily care for the feral Cats about 9 years. Just about all of them have been spayed or neutured.

Some have become very friendly and a few very lovable just with me. I love all of them, They are like kids to me. I'm a single guy and never been married so these guys are like my "Kids". I can pick up a few.

I've found homes for some of my younger more social semi-ferals but the adoption success rate is very marginal.
Most people just don't seem to have the patience to allow a feral Cat to adjust to home life. It takes time, sometimes a LONG time but they usually adapt if they are young and the person who adopts them has a lot of LOVE and patience.

One of my favorite feral Cats was a big beautiful part Siamese, part Tabby mix fluffy male Cat with blue semi crossed eyes.

Wednesday night about 11pm right after work, I was driving up to one of my sites to feed the Cats as I normally do driving through the long parking lot. I guess I was diving at my normal speed, I do watch out for the Cats.

There has been some recent construction activity in this parking lot. There was some construction vehicles and other equipment parked for the night.

Suddenly Sammy with his tail up as he usually does happy to see me and one other Cat unexpectedly dart out of some bushes at the end of a parking lot island just as I'm passing by it and as I am nearing the normal spot about 40-50 feet away where they normally wait for me at.

I did not even see them until they darted out of the bushes of the island. They never really have been in this part of the parking lot so I was not expecting them. I was tired, They were so quick.

The one Cat turned just in time and avoided my small truck, The other who was Sam, just kept going and evidently ran right under my truck entering from the left side and right at that time the left rear tire went right up over him and I felt it lift on the left side. I immediately got a very sick feeling knowing that this is serious.

I stopped my truck a second later and turned to see Sam running towards a blue mobile aireal snorkelift and lay down next to one of the rear tires underneath the lift.

I got out of the truck right away and ran over too him, He was laying on his side, I put my hand on him and told him I'm so sorry, I knew he was seriously injured, He was purring and his eyes were open but staring straight ahead and he did not even move, I kept saying no, please no.

I went and got a folded blanket out of my truck and picked Sam up and put him on it, He was still purring as I had my hands holding him. I kept telling him I'm so sorry over and over and that I did not mean to hurt him at all and I really love him.

I could not believe what just had happened.

He died about a minute later. That was almost 2 days ago and as I'm writing this I'm crying.

I keep going over what I could of done or not done to of kept this from happening.

I buried Sam yesterday near where I fed him and the other Cats.

I told him I will always remember him and love him and that I'm so sorry that this happened. I'm still crying.

It really bothers me that this happened to my beautiful and my lovable Cat.

I feel so bad.

Everynight after I feed them and just before I leave,

I always say a prayer for ALL my Cats asking God to keep them safe and healthy, To protect them all from the cars and trucks, To protect them all from the mean people, mean kids and mean Dogs. To protect them all from dangerous chemicals and poisons, To protect them all from all diseases and illnesses.

I may sound slightly eccentric but these Cats are a big part of my life, I care about them.

I'm ending this entry, I'm on my way to feed the remaining ferals. I still love all of them and intend to keep on caring for them all for as long as I can.

I just needed to express my sorrow and feelings about what happened and start the emotional healing.

I wished I could of adopted Sam but I already have a few too many ferals living in my home. I do have the patience for these Cats that few others seem to have.

My in home semi feraal Cats, They live the life of luxury while being kept safe, warm, dry and most of all, LOVED!

And many return the love, When I sit on the couch or the bed, I get many who want to lay on me, my shoulders, legs and next to me.

Thank you for allowing me to post my feelings on this forum.

I wish to thank Debbie and Petrina for there support of the Bellevue colonies. Friskies, Blaclike and Big Kitty.

Gary.

Hi Gary, I was so moved by your story.
First of all, it was an accident, you have to remember that.
How many cats if not for you , would be with us today?

This is how you have think, about what happened.
I think Sammy purred because he was with his friend.
How many of us humans die alone, alot I bet.

Gary, it seems as though Sammy didn't really suffer.
Unlike some fates of kitties around the world.

Sammy is chillin right now, and probably saying what a good friend you were to him, and
are to his ferel buddies. I admire you, there should be more people like you in the world.
I knew an older lady who used to feed ferel kitties, and I started to do it with her.
It was kewl, until I tricked one into the building, and he went nutz. I had never been around ferels previously
and learned my lesson. I managed to let him find his way out, after he did much destruction, lol.

You're an incredible human being, and don't think any less of yourself because of this incident.
Please keep coming here, the people here understand your pain, and sorrow. They can help you through this.

Take Care

Hi Gary, I think that you are an angel for these feral cats. It must have felt great for Sammy to know someone out there cared and even loved him deeply. I bet you you were the love of his life. You don't really know how old Sammy was so perhaps this was just a way for a kinder than usual fate to let Sammy move along; perhaps fate knew that Sammy's greatest wishes were to leave this world while you were by his side, so that this last sight becomes the first one he will come to when you both will be together again. I think Bue said something that is quite true: that Sammy didn't really suffer, it was so brief and he may not have felt any pain at all, other than shock . As you know there is a time for everything, it looks too simply like this may be what happened here, you need not feel to blame, there may be a reason why things were different that night, maybe it happened in the best way possible, we have to agree that it would have had to happen one day, for Sammy or for worst for him if something had happened to you and he would have spent the rest of his life wondering why you weren't coming over to take care of him anymore , this was the end of a chapter in a beautiful story trust that there will be more for both you and Sammy, there will be another time for both you and Sammy to be together, in what is just an instant's time for Sammy and hopefully a very fulfilling and worthwhile long time here for you. Till you meet again, you go on taking care of Sammy's friends, because in each of them I am sure you will find a little bit of Sammy and this will keep your heart from breaking. Take care dear Gary you're a beautiful wonderful guy.

Hi, Gary, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Sammy. Losing a beloved companion - - whether or not they live in our homes - - is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. I can relate to your sorrow, Gary, and I am so sorry that you have had this tragic experience. You may feel to a certain extent that you betrayed a trust with Sammy - - and the other precious ferals - - that you would never be the one to hurt them. What happened to Sammy was a horrible accident, Gary, and Sammy knows this. You loved him and comforted him through the last moments of his life as you lovingly cared for him in his life. I know that if you could hear him talk to you now you would hear him saying "Thank you, and please don't be sad. All is well and I look forward to seeing you again here in heaven's perfect garden at your appropriate time." My number one kitty son Eli was a feral kitten rescued by my Black Lab from the drainage pipe at the end of our driveway. Eli was my "challenge child", my special needs child who loved his big doggie brother more than what his doggie brother could handle sometimes. Through our short 6 years together Eli taught me so many lessons of how to "think out of the box" and how to "just be" - - . It was Eli who taught me how to not be so afraid of snakes - since we live in the woods my Eli was the "snake charmer" and would often bring his catches - - live - - into the house for me to see. Thank goodness they were just Black Snakes!! It was cancer 28 months ago that has temporarily separated me from my Eli. Your Sammy and my Eli are now together in heaven's perfect garden, and I'm sure they are exchanging notes of how well they trained us. Gary, you have a wonderful heart, and I know you are devastated by what happened with Sammy. The grief journey is never an easy one - - whatever the circumstances of loss - - and I am so glad you have found us here at Lightning Strike so that you do not have to travel this grief healing journey alone. Each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us, Gary. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Gary, I'm so sorry for your loss of Sammy. I cried when reading your story. This was truely an unavoidable accident. Never blame yourself, we cannot control thier actions. I admire so much your loyalty and love for these cats. And that's exactly what you gave Sammy, who may have never found that from anyone else. Loyatly and Love. I hope you never lose the ability to keep giving this way. Sammy will always be with you and helping with the other cats. I know your heart is breaking, but feel very proud for all you do. You are truely one special person. Hugs..Ann

Thank you, Bue's Mommy, toonie, moon_beam and ann,

I am grateful for your responses. I'm recovering but still feel sad when I think about the accident, I think about it a lot.

I am dedicated to these Cats. They are a big part of my life and will stay a big part for as long as I'm able to stay mobile.
They need someone to care for them.

It takes a long time, but most of these Cats do eventually return the unconditional love I give these guys by allowing themselves to eventually trust me, A few will let me pet them or even pick them up and hold them.

I feel honored when I have earned there trust.

Yesterday I picked up Sam's tiny little sister Lisa (Little Sam) and held her for awhile, She is a real doll. She's still not sure about being held for any length of time. She gets kinda tense then wants me to let go of her.
When the time is right and I find the right person, she is one that has a very good chance of getting a good home.

A Calico Cat that I have not seen for a few weeks returned last night. She' sat next to me after I fed her. She's another possible candidate for adoption.

It may seem strange to some that I care about these wonderful Cats but it's something I really enjoy doing.

I still have a good job and I could of been spending my extra time and money in bars, clubs or other places or things but I've found that I enjoy the Cats the most!

Yesterday I planted grass seed over Sam's burial site and today it is raining! The Cats love to eat grass and I'm hoping that they will occasionally visit Sam when it grows.

Again, Thank you everyone for your feedback and support. I appreciate it.

Gary.

Your kind soul has given these animals a chance to live! Sammy and all the kitties you still take care of know the love you give them is worthy of their trust.

Please, do not let guilt creep into your thoughts and try to take over. What happened to Sammy was an accident - just like what happened to my Jazzy (he was hit by a truck last saturday and was in such a life-threatening state, we had to let him go be with God). Accidents happen, we have to push through the pain and grief and move on, knowing there are others who need us (your colony and my 10 year old collie-retreiver).

God bless you in the work you do for these animals. You have my utmost respect.

((((HUGS))))
Deanna-Michigan