My beautiful long-haired black cat (my boy) is gone forever. I had to make an instant decision on 9/10 to put him down. The vet said his chest was full of fluid and his gums were blue from very little oxygen. He had struggled to come from the back of our home to the front room to lie down on one side with his mouth open. It was so scary. He got up and moved a couple of feet and did it again. I thought he had died. We rushed him to the vet and he was put on oxygen. The fact he was 16 years old, had lost weight over the past few weeks...well, the vet guessed at a cancer somewhere in his body and what they would have had to do to help him survive maybe 4 weeks, or maybe the next day it would be another emergency to drain his chest. That draining causes a lot of pain. I couldn't let him suffer but I didn't want to let him go either. So the instant decision to put him down. Now I can't stop crying everyday. He was so gentle and sweet. I miss him so.

I thought how I had told the vet that purring seemed to choke him up; she said she never heard of that. I said he sits with his tongue hanging out a little. She didn't know what that meant. I saw a picture on the Internet of a cat who was having trouble breathing and his tongue looked just like my boy's. Maybe if the vet understood breathing problems she might have been able to do something before something horrible went wrong all of a sudden and his chest filled with so much fluid, he could not breathe hardly at all. I didn't know when I scooped him up, it would be the last time I would hold him.

I have had dogs and cats all my life and believed that when one goes it may be God's way of making a home available for one that needs it. 16 years is the longest I ever had an animal and it was wonderful. This cat was the last to go of 3 kittens originally born in our yard and he was my favorite.

Grief is easier to bear when there is at least one other animal at home, at least for me. Thanks for listening. I needed to talk.

I read all everyone's stories and I feel for all of you. We love them so much, that's why there is so much pain. But I wouldn't have not had them to avoid the pain that comes in the future. It is never never easy. I don't know how to bottle my grief.
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This is some of what I first posted about my boy …about 8 weeks after his death. The pain is still here. Sometimes I think the reason we can comfort others is we are still living our pain everyday. And our pain “talks” to their pain. Through encouraging them, we are encouraging ourselves. And I thank the many wonderful friends I have met here for their words of encouragement. And your many thank-yous really do help ease the pain that is never-ending. I learned not to bottle my grief....but to try and channel it. It seems ironic to think that maybe we learn about life…..from death.

Hi Judy,

Little Guy's story still brings tears to my eyes! I've never experienced anything worse than the terror of seeing them so sick...hoping for a miracle...praying you won't have to make that last terrible decision...unbearable. And yet for the tug of furkind on our heart strings is so persistent, and powerful that we volunteer to bear it again.

I hope you and Lucky are okay,
Dayna

Hi Judy,
That is so true. We do learn so much when we lose our precious babies. I know mine have sure taught me a lot, I know I have made lots of changes with my current pet family to make sure everyone stays as healthy and happy as possible. Maybe they help guide us along the way.

Thinking of you and Little Guy!
Hugs
~NM

Oh, Judy, the hell of it is....life on earthly planes is FILLED with deaths of all sorts of things, all the time, so it's part of life as we know it. And yet, there really IS no such thing as permanent death, either. Everything's a cycle, never-ending, in and with everything. That's why they say, if you can learn how to 'die' before your physical death, you're really learning how to LIVE.

But to a grieving heart, and one that's too enmeshed with earthly thinking from the past (as in our history on earth), it's SOOOO hard to think on these things when we're faced with loss.

And hey, if it weren't for those of us who also take a long time for the whole process of mourning to 'sink in' slowly, I'd feel like a lone voice in the wilderness here! But I never apologize for my grief lasting as long as it does -- I process slowly, but I hope more thoroughly, that way. And I'm always reminded of that book (that I DON'T actually have) called "I'm Grieving as Fast as I Can!" Great ti tle!!

Thank you, Dayna....I understand your tears...I find myself shedding many reading others stories and I never fail to have them..when remembering about my boy.

Yes, that unconditional love so freely given to us...is what leads us to volunteer to bear that pain again.....and again....and again...and, as long as there are homeless babies waiting to find a forever home.

And as I have told you before, the words you wrote about Sadie are something I will remember the rest of my life.....they came from the heart...and when words come from heart...they are truly golden and priceless.

Yes, Lucky and I are doing fine....just as I was so glad to hear you and Birga are okay too.
Hugs to both of you,
Judy

Hi, Nemo's Mommy

I know I have made lots of changes with my current pet family to make sure everyone stays as healthy and happy as possible. Maybe they help guide us along the way.


We do learn from our losses. And what you just said.. is what we do to just try and do the best we can for our special ones and ....I do believe they help guide us along the way. Well-said.

Hugs back to you,
Judy

Hi, FK

And hey, if it weren't for those of us who also take a long time for the whole process of mourning to 'sink in' slowly, I'd feel like a lone voice in the wilderness here! But I never apologize for my grief lasting as long as it does -- I process slowly, but I hope more thoroughly, that way. And I'm always reminded of that book (that I DON'T actually have) called "I'm Grieving as Fast as I Can!" Great title!!

I couldn't have said it better myself! We each go at our own pace and do what we need to do.
I find each loss is different...........so when we learn to get through one grieving process...the same path may not work as well for the next one...and so...we get on a path of continuous learning.

Welcome to my club! Where can I get that book?

Judy

The little long haired black cat at my shelter always gets some extra attention with thoughts of your Little Guy ...Thanks for being here for me. Your kindness will never be forgotten..Hugs.Ann

Thanks, Ann. You are always a comfort to me also. Sometimes a sadness can result in a more rewarding future. Arthur and Little Guy............what sweethearts we have!

Hugs back at you,
Judy

Just checking something on the new software.

I wanted to say that your words resonate. You were one of the kind souls who came to my rescue when my baby girl passed away on 10/11/08. My heart is still broken and something tells me my heart has a new shape, one of fragments and shards, but it still beats and still has the capacity to love. I miss her every single day. I wanted to thank you for being there for me and to say that I can relate to your loss and feelings.

I seem to go back and forth reading your sad experience with mine, they seem to parallel then self. The sadness you have for the lost of your little boy cant match the loneliness of the lost. We are both missing the one who always seemed to be "there", unnoticed, quite, loving and always witnessing our lives. Our silent partner.
You have a missing piece of your life that even with a "addition" cant fill. I know, I am the same way. I do not know how or if this is ever going to go away. I have moved "on" but for some reason I keep going back to her favorite spots just to see her impression in the pillow or where her favorite toy was kept ,I keep them locked away like so many of the memories I have of her. The gratitude I have for the time we had together is some how diminished by the lost of her love filled face always looking up at me.
I guess we both have realized that someone made a lasting impression in our life's without us noticing just like those pillows, and now that it's gone we cant seem to fill that void.
You feel that he was taken to soon, but we don't have the right to see them suffer, we don't have the right to fulfill our needs at the expense of there pain. We only have the right to love them and make them part of our life's. They where part of what makes you, you. Just like me, part of "me" is missing now.
It will get better ,I am told in time and I guess we need that time and to build a little more of a hard shell around us so the next one wont take a piece of your hearts.
There are many roads to peace , I hope yours is not to difficult. Take care of yourself !
George

ckrspanl: Thank you for your beautiful words. I am glad I was able to help you. Just wanted to let you know I read your words and your kindness is very much appreciated.

Judy

Hi, George,

You certainly expressed the feelings we both have...quite well. Yes, we do have a part "missing" and I hope someday that "missing part" will be with us again and we can feel whole.

No matter what we think....they who we have lost and they who will come next into our lives...will always have a piece of our hearts. I think we just can't help that.

Your girl will always be your girl....your special girl. She has a part of you that is very unique. She is with your thoughts always and I feel that way about my last boy, Little Guy. Maybe with my boy, the special came about because he became a very sick kitten with his feral mother. She couldn't help him so I took over his care. And for him to live the longest (16 1/2 years) of any I ever had..well, there is something special there for me.

They are our Angels and will be always and forever.

Take care, George. I wish you peace and happiness always.
Judy

Little Guy:

You died today...it was the last day I held you.

Just when I think I have control of the pain, I have found new pain since you passed...pain in the words of others. I have met sick people and I am sorry I ever believed they cared.

I have met honest ones too and you are responsible for some beautiful permanent friendships.

You are missed more than you will ever know.

I wrote because you died today and I have to acknowledge that..no matter what.

Your "Mom" forever.

beautiful words..........I am so sorry that you hve come across ppl who hve never been touched by an animal, they can say some hurtful things unintentially....we know different though don't we?
It is right that you acknowledge your loss.
I care that you are hurting.
Peace be with you.
elaine

Judy,

Thinking of you today as you honor your favorite of the gang of 3 that were lucky to have found you... Little Guy.

I'm traveling and Flossie is with us..... I placed her ashes in the console right in front of where she used to ride on a place that was specially made for her. WeeBee uses it now but Flossie is still along.

You have been such a support to me and many others here that I hope you feel the support from those of us who sincerely appreciate your thoughts when we needed it so much. We all need that from time to time and sometimes for quite some time. You have always understood when one of us had a bad day even if it had been months and sometimes years.

Thank you for being there for me....... I am sending a BIG hug your way today!

Hi Judy, I know how much your heart is broken, but it has remained strong for all of us you have comforted in the many months you have been here and like Ginger I'm so greatful for that...

These "dates" are tough, aren't they. The closer we get to them and the anxioty we feel, that when "that" day does come it's like we just relive it all over again. Why do we torture ourselves like that?? Why can't we just think instead that this was the day x amount of yrs ago that I was able to take my baby's pain away, I did not let him/her suffer needlessly for "my" sake...

Little Guy was so blessed to be loved (and spoiled) for so many years...Hugs to you today...Ann

beautiful words..........I am so sorry that you hve come across ppl who hve never been touched by an animal, they can say some hurtful things unintentially....we know different though don't we? It is right that you acknowledge your loss. I care that you are hurting. Peace be with you.
elaine

Thank you so much, Elaine. I do understand ppl who have never been touched by an animal not understanding their words can hurt. Something done unintentionally I do not consider "sick".

I wrote my post to my boy on a day of great pain and when we are in pain, we remember those who comforted us and unfortunately, we also think of those who added to the pain.

And so, yes, it is right that I acknowledge my loss....it helps the pain of that loss.... and I appreciate your care and support.

Judy

Flossie's Mom:

Thank you for keeping in touch and for your thoughtful words. Flossie is truly always with you.

Caught your BIG HUG.........thank you.......we can never have enough hugs!

Your support has helped me also. That is the trick among those who care and support each other...with such support, we can't fall down....down to where the pain is and always will be.

Sending a BIG HUG back at you....................

Judy

Hi, Ann

I wish I had met your beautiful Arthur and that you could have met my boy Little Guy. I think we could have bonded instantly with each of them.

Thank you for your thoughtfulness and I really appreciated your making my boy's day special.

Why do we relive it? I don't know. I wonder if part of being hard to forget is when it happens so suddenly and unexpected. Seems to make more of an imprint on our minds. But then we use our trick of deliberately replacing a sad thought with a happy one and so we survive.

Maybe we don't think of it as taking the pain away because we hate the thought of them ever having any pain and don't want to think of that part. We wanted to take the pain away by a cure that would let them stay with us longer but that was not to be.

We never forget...but we survive.

Little Guy was so blessed to be loved (and spoiled) for so many years


So was I, Ann..............So was I................

Hugs back at you, Ann.
Judy