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Lightning-Strike Pet Loss Support Forum > Pet Loss Support > Death and Dying Pet Support
Steph
Since Luba's sudden passing on June 5th I've come into contact with other people in the neighbourhood who have lost their beloved pets. There has not been one person who has not expressed an unbelievable amount of guilt associated with the departed furbaby.

In my case I felt guilty that I had not done enough for her (on emotionally low days I feel that I "killed" her), I've also beaten myself to an emotional pulp for not saying a proper goodbye to her. I had no idea that she was dying, but, still, the guilt continues - to this day.

I often thought that it would have been better if I'd had to put her to sleep, at least that way I could have been with her. That is until I read some of the posts here, and then met some neighbours who had to put their dog to sleep. They are beating themselves up that they "may have done it too soon". This despite the fact that their dog was obviously suffering very much (I saw her dragging herself along the road shortly before they had her euthanized). They wished that their dog had simply died on her own, so that they would not be feeling like executioners now.

Then there are my friends across the street. Their cat got let out, of the house, by a freak accident. He never came home, and is presumed dead. It's been five months, and he was very old. They are beside themselves with guilt.

Finally, a lady nearby is overcome by guilt because her dog is very sick, and she has, up to this point not been able to have her euthanized.

Guilt is everywhere. But what good does it do anyone, or anyones furbabies?

I think that I am starting to see through the negative haze of my own guilt. I am not psychic. I did not know Luba was dying. I did not even know that she was even slightly sick. Had I known, I would have acted faster. As it was, I had her at the vets as soon as she was sick. I got her the best care that I possibly could. It wasn't enough. But it HAS to be enough to set me free of this ever-present guilt!
Sharon
True Steph,
I think I am not feeling as much guilt for putting my Zoe to sleep (especially after reading more about renal failure), as I am feeling such an emptiness and sadness. The guilt I feel is towards friends who had lost pets before I did, and I didn't understand just how awful this is.

I WILL be there for them in the future.

The bottom line is this sucks. There is NO good way to lose someone that is SO precious to us.

-Sharon
Gort
QUOTE (Sharon @ Sep 8 2004, 10:06 PM)
The guilt I feel is towards friends who had lost pets before I did, and I didn't understand just how awful this is.

That's the same guilt I am feeling. I am indeed fortunate that Ava chose to leave this world on her own time table. I feel bad enough about her being gone let alone if I had had to make a decision for her. Could I have done more for her? I don't know. She seemed quite healthy for her age. I didn't really get to say an proper good bye either but that's okay too. I gave her the usual pettings that I always gave her when I put her out for the last time.
Arnold
Whoo-hooo! Good for you, Steph. Your perspective sounds very healthy. I, too, had to accept that it was simply Arnold's time to go and that I did what I could knowing what I knew. What more can any of us do? I am not so plagued by guilt any more - just a sense of profound loss and sadness. I do miss my little one.

Nanci
deedee
Guilt is supposed to be a teacher when it is "working properly." If you felt guilty for taking change out of your mother's purse, it was supposed to stop you from doing it again. In that case, guilt is very valuable.

However, when it comes to grief, guilt seems to hurt rather than help. Did I wait long enough? Did I do enough? Did I wait too long? Since we are often put into a position where we have to make that tough, final call, all of the unanswered questions hit. We feel bad for what we did and bad for what we didn't do, particularly because we are so responsible for the health and well-being of our pets. It adds to the grief.

I still feel guilt about poor Oswald. About all of the above. It is, however, being tempered a bit by knowing that he had a decent life with me for so many years. I am trying to focus on our life together as a whole, rather than the last year or so. I am trying to remember the joy, too.

dee dee
DJ - Edgar, Jesse, Tom's Mom
There is no easy way to experience loss. Every loss hurts and it takes time to move through the loss. No matter what we do it won't be enough. We're human. That's the way it is. We can't do everything - and even if we could, would we prolong the lives of our pets for our own selfish and greedy needs? Would we make them suffer longer just so that WE can feel better? No. We wouldn't.

Ask yourself this - do you think your pet would have traded one single moment of life with you for the life of the hundreds of abandoned or neglected animals out there? Why do you feel guilt? Because your love wasn't enough to save them. Because you're human.

But that's all our pets ever wanted us to be.
j4lorn
I came across an excellent article about guilt online, the full article is at http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.html and she has several other free articles there, along with an online book you can buy for about $10, "Coping with Sorrow on the Loss of your Pet". I got the book but haven't read it all yet, it's almost 200 pages. I think this lady seems very wise.


Breaking the Power of Guilt
by Moira Anderson Allen, M.Ed.

We are believers in cause and effect. When something goes wrong, we want to know why. How did it happen? What went wrong? Could it have been prevented -- and if so, how? Who is responsible? What could/should have been done differently? Rarely can we acknowledge that there are no answers to these questions. Rarely can we say, "no one was at fault; it simply happened." Rarely can we accept that nothing could have been changed or done differently.

This reaction is intensified by the profound sense of responsibility we feel toward our pets. Pets occupy a similar role to very small children: No matter what happens, WE are responsible. We can never expect our pets to understand why they shouldn't run into the street, chew on the electric cord, or filch scraps from the trash. We are always their guardians and protectors. And so, when something happens, we view ourselves as responsible for THAT as well -- and it is only a short step from feeling "responsible" to feeling "guilty."

<...friendly snip of bulk of article...>

Pet owners who "don't care" will never experience the pangs of guilt. Only caring, responsible pet owners go through this agony. The trouble is, too much guilt can prevent you from becoming a caring, responsible pet owner AGAIN.

The world has enough people who don't care what mistakes they make. It doesn't have enough pet owners who DO care -- who choose to learn from their mistakes and move on to make a difference in yet another pet's life. Don't let guilt keep you locked in a lifetime of misery. Choose to forgive, to love, and to move forward. The world needs you!
SJ J & S
You know I finally started to put my life back together again by forgiving myself.

I know – I know I hadn’t done anything wrong to forgive myself for but that was beside the point, I had to make sense of it all and the only way I could do that was to say that I had been wrong in having Jude put to sleep.

Therefore the only way for me to go forward was to forgive myself.
BabyHannahsMom
Guilt -- you know, we use that word for what we are feeling, but it isn't really the correct word. I can't find my dictionary (still moving to my new apartment!), but as Deedee indicates, you feel guilt when you intentionally do something wrong. I think I read that in an article about pet loss too -- that it's not really the right word because all any of us ever did or wanted to do was to love and take care of our little ones.

That is a great article, 4lorn. Let us know what you think about her book. I have read some things by her, and she really has helped me.

Steph, all those stories are incredible. It really is something how we go about blaming ourselves for everything, but they can't talk and they can't make decisions, so that all comes with it -- the bond we share, the love, the lives we share with our little ones -- we know beforehand that there will be a huge price to pay. I still say as someone else said before (ha) "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." (If ya'll haven't read the post on here from a good while back under the tribute section about The Little Orange Boy, you should do it when you feel like it. It's a real tear jerker though.)

The thought occurred to me that the "guilt" feelings and thoughts really do something very, very powerful: they keep us very tightly bound to our little ones -- we can't let go, we can't live, we can't love. It lets us live in the past, even though we dwell on the bad part of a wonderful past. Gosh, I don't know, but I KNOW (even though I forget sometimes) that these feelings serve no good purpose and they just tear us apart even more.

We're already hurting so much -- I wonder too if the "guilt" doesn't sort of take our minds off how much we really just miss them and wish we could see them again. I can't remember which of the members it was right at the moment, but one day I read her post saying in her grief, she "just threw herself down on the couch . . ." I could really relate to that, and I still do. It feels like howling at the moon or something -- the lonliest, saddest, most unbearable pain in the world when we lose them, no matter how, when or where we lose them. Hannah's been gone over 5 months now, and sometimes I'll just be walking outside or something and I'll think to myself, "I just can't believe it. I just can't believe she's gone, my little girl is really, really gone." It doesn't seem possible. We were together, just the two of us, for such a long time. One day I hope and expect that I, and everyone here, will be able to accept those thoughts without feeling like screaming.

I do know that we have to forgive ourselves. As SJ J & S said, in truth, we have done nothing that needs forgiveness. If we could read our own posts from someone else's perspective, that would be great, wouldn't it? I know that if I want to have a life of meaning, I will have to find the way. I do very much want to give and to receive, to love and to be loved, etc. I know we all do, and I know we'll all eventually come to accept where we are now and our pain will ease some day. We are already all helping each other so much. We all take turns, when one is down, the others are up and ready to help, and vice versa. I still think our all getting together here is part of the plan, you know. Like we all say, everyone here is so wonderful, so compassionate, so kind. It's amazing, ya'll are amazing. Thank goodness (and MD) for this site again!
Love,
Marcia
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